2001
 

12-29-01 (12:44)

  • thought i was supposed to goto work at 12 today, but ended up having to go in at 10, so now i'm going in at 230 instead. whoever is in charge of scheduling now that leslee left messed something up because i know that i was scheduled 12-9 today. at any rate it turned out to be kinda good because i took in my car and went to the post office today.
  • updated movies list.

  • 12-28-01 (23:55)

  • updated movies list.
  • one more day left at the theater...new year's eve.
  • my first day off in six or more weeks will be january first. it has been a fun run so far, but it's starting to get old.
  • nothing exciting has happened lately.
  • right now i'm going to relax. maybe later i'll have something of worth to say.

  • 12-25-01 (01:36)

  • updated movies list.
  • they should rename the movie "a christmas story" to "the christmas story" because it's that good.
  • work was a zoo today, until about 5pm anyway. after that it was almost completely empty.
  • today started off bad, but ended up being pretty good.
  • xmas doesn't need to be as consumer driven as we've made it.
  • talked with alex at work today about xmas in ghana. he says it's a much more communal holiday over there. we also talked about the political climate over there. interesting stuff.

  • 12-24-01 (00:52)

  • the good thing about xmas this year is i won't lose any sleep on xmas eve.
  • happy birthday vern.
  • i hope stupidity isn't contagious because if it is then working at tower might not be so good for me....not to say that there aren't smart people working there, or even that the theater was any better (it wasn't), but tower has a few people who are exceptionally dim-witted.
  • the kings crushed the suns today.
  • the niners have been doing well. wish i could watch a game one of these days.
  • updated movies list.
  • traveling wilburys cds are going for $30 plus.

  • 12-22-01 (01:12)

  • there was a power outage last night.
  • weather was pretty good today.
  • work was very busy.
  • got two free t-shirts.
  • bought my sister and dad xmas presents today. still don't know what to get my mom.
  • got a box full of xmas presents from my mom and my sister today. opened all my presents prematurely.
  • today was a good day.

  • 12-20-01 (23:10)

  • work was pretty lame today. all day i've been clumsy and that made the day go by more slowly.
  • some guy came into work today and wanted a refund for a cd he had already opened i explained to him that unless it was defective we couldn't take it back. he told me that we used to in the past and that we still should. what i didn't explain to him was that as time changes so do policies...this particular policy probably changed because of the proliferation of cd burners and the accessibility of music on the internet. instead of saying that i just said that our policy has been like this for a while now and that i was sorry if he didn't know about it. it was at this point that he began to take the cd out of its case and bend it to the point of breaking...after a few tries he got it to break and then he just left. the guy had serious anger management issues.
  • i figured out the good thing about bands like blink 182 or artists like britney spears...their sales really do keep stores like tower alive. if it weren't for the massive revenue we get from boy bands and the like we wouldn't be able to provide all the quality music we do offer. naturally we don't have every band you're looking for, but for the most part i think tower keeps a pretty good selection (especially if the manager is good) and the reason we're able to take risks like keeping sections open for indie rock, goth music, or world music is that we make a lot of money selling bullshit like britney spears. so, in a way, i have to thank all the bullshit artists who go multi-platinum on zero talent because they keep stores open. i like walking into music stores and browsing so i'd prefer they stick around rather than having to buy everything on the internet.
  • the good thing about work today was that james wants me to be in charge of purchasing DVDs. that should be cool.
  • got a fat shipment of food today from my grandmother so i won't have to buy food for a few months. also got to play with dry ice and that's always a fun time.

  • 12-20-01 (02:03)

  • kept busy at work today so the day went by pretty quickly.
  • melanie leaves for WA tomorrow so i'll be by myself for about a week.
  • maybe one of these days i'll wake up early and take the car in to be fixed up so i can sell it.
  • got a blue hooded sweatshirt for xmas. i like it.
  • video codecs are stupid.
  • same today as the day before. hopefully that'll end pretty soon.
  • updated movies list. vanilla sky sucked, read my review to find out why and how much.

  • 12-17-01 (16:40)

  • worked at the theater today, but got to go home early because they had too many people.
  • told michelle that i was going to quit and that the 31st would be my last day. it felt good to quit. i don't regret working there. i don't regret working there as long as i have, but it's time to move on and starting getting weekends again....even if they're not really on the weekend.
  • the worst thing about economics is that its first teaching is that nothing is free. though that may be true in most facets of society it isn't a helpful outlook. it would be better, in my opinion, to discard that notion for one that preaches the benefits of giving and receiving. by highlighting the fact that there is an opportunity cost to everything you choose to do with your time i think economics does humanity a disservice. i'm just saying that if you think that for everything given there is something lost then that, though true, is a pretty lame way to live your life.
  • probably going to go to a movie tonight.
  • chico's tacos makes burritos with serious mass. i like.
  • lately i've been trying to goto all the food places in and around downtown. there aren't many i've missed at this point. eating out is fun. i hardly ever eat bad food when eating out and i almost always find myself content with the amount of food i've had.

  • 12-16-01 (01:48)

  • i've been pretty productive while at work lately. keeping busy makes the day go by more quickly and at the end of the day i feel better having actually gotten something done.
  • updated movies list.
  • in terms of mental domination of one's opponent i think ali is the best of all-time; mj being a close second. at their peak both of them could absolutely mentally dominate their opposition. both of them amaze me.
  • i'm really tired.
  • tower is a good company overall. while i've been there i've had at least three (good) meals paid for by them...they offer a benefits package...they reward handsomely for being employee of the month or working holidays...they give bonuses and they're pretty laid back (no uniforms or dress codes, flexible scheduling, etc). even though they pay minimum wage i think they take relatively good care of their employees.
  • updated cdlist. in the last year and 10 days i've purchased 84 cds.

  • 12-14-01 (01:30)

  • computer has been freezing up more lately....more than almost never is still not that much, but it's noticeable. i guess after 5 years of almost flawless service it has the right to be a little finicky.
  • didn't goto the screening for 'not another teen movie' tonight. i like movies which are the equivalent of comedic hip-hop on film. "scary movie" i and ii, "don't be a menace to society while drinking your juice in the hood", wrongfully accused, etc. it's fun to catch all the references and usually they're funny enough to watch.
  • i wonder if 'big trouble' will ever come out.
  • the royal tenenbaums should be good.
  • now, more than ever, i feel political effacacy is almost nil.
  • raining pretty good today.
  • i feel like i haven't had a day off in a month, but it's probably only been a couple weeks. i guess when you're spoiled by two free days a week you just get used to the break.
  • while at work today i looked through a folder filled with people who have been caught shoplifting in the past couple years. i found a picture of the guy who would have been my supervisor if i decided to work at papa murphy's. apparently he came in all the time and tried to steal gay porn magazines and eventually they caught him in the act. there were other stories, but most weren't as interesting as that one. lots of kids trying to steal porn. lots of teenagers, as expected. the most interesting thing was that the most anyone attempted to steal was about 45 bucks worth of cds. i think when i got busted for trying to steal it was something like 7 bucks worth of stuff.
  • "From the department of mad consumerism, reckless fuel consumption, and paramilitary chic comes this latest gem:  the Hummer H2, the latest sports utility monstrosity from General Motors.  Built to resemble the Humvees rumbling through Kabul, the Hummer H2 gets about 13 miles per gallon and, at 8,600 pounds, weighs just enough to evade federal fuel efficiency standards.  It's not cheap to own the beast -- fifty grand sticker price, plus all that fuel -- but nonetheless, GM expects to sell around 40,000 Hummers per year. Enviros are outraged, but hope the new vehicle will help spur the fight for fuel-efficiency standards for SUVs."

  • 12-13-01 (00:31)

  • "The fixings for a traditional British turkey dinner could travel more than 24,000 miles before they reach the table, according to a report released yesterday by the U.K. lobby group Sustain. On average, food consumed in Britain travels 50 percent more than it did a decade ago, at the expense of human and environmental health.  Sustain said that the country's food system had become "almost completely dependent" on oil, and that internationally, food distribution is a major cause of pollution and climate change.  The organization also criticized a food system in which countries essentially swap food. (For example, in 1997, the U.K. imported 33 million gallons of milk and exported 71 million gallons).  It urged Britain to improve food quality and safety and protect the environment by supporting local food suppliers."
  • the other day while i was working the box at the theater a couple came up and purchased tickets. while i was getting the change and tickets the girl commented to her boyfriend "i can't believe i spent $50 on alcohol last night." to which i replied "that was stupid." she came back "what?" i gave them the tickets and didn't say anything. i hope i provided the push she needed to get her life together. not likely, but either way i had a laugh.
  • today was like any other day.
  • "Environmentalists in Florida are concerned about state plans to weaken protections for the manatee and the red-cockaded woodpecker. The Florida Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission has developed a new set of criteria to gauge what levels of protection animals deserve, and it has indicated that the woodpecker and manatee may now merit lower levels.  To qualify as endangered in the state, a species must now have lost at least 80 percent of its population during the past 10 years; a threatened species must have lost at least 50 percent of its population in the last 10 years.  Enviros say the criteria will effectively guarantee the extinction of more species. The woodpecker population, for example, has dropped 97 percent in the last century, but not even 50 percent in the last decade."
  • it seems like most of our problems come because of the lazy and moronic philosophy "if it ain't broke why fix it?"
  • it just makes sense to care for the environment a little more than we have. to have more diversified energy sources is good policy; to do otherwise is retarded. if there was money in good policy then maybe bush would give a shit.
  • bush's smirk makes me laugh.
  • updated movies list.
  • regardless of whether humans are to blame for the rise in global climate, the hole in the ozone or myriad other environmental problems we should decrease our use of fossil fuels, we should preserve our forests, avoid polluting our waters, etc. there just isn't any good reason to work a little more to do those things. basically i think it would be good policy to make our presence on earth as unnoticed as possible. obviously this is impossible because we consume more than any species, ever. we also reach to just about ever corner of the globe. we have more waste per capita than any species, ever. we've wiped out more species on the earth than any other species...we're probably the equivalent to a meteor impact in terms of our affect on the diversity of species on earth.
  • "truth has three phases; the first is denial. the second is hostility. the third is universal acceptance because it's apparent." - Spinoza
  • bush has convinced me that he's one of the worst presidents ever...if not for the simple reason that he appointed ashcroft as att. general.
  • i always thought that conservatives were against the government taking over their lives and robbing them of their liberties, but in this (and most) case(s) it is a conservative who is doing it.
  • "First they (nazis) came for the Jews. I was silent. I was not a Jew. Then they came for the Communists. I was silent. I was not a Communist. Then they came for the trade unionists. I was silent. I was not a trade unionist. Then they came for me. There was no one left to speak for me." - Protestant Pastor Martin Niemoller

  • 12-11-01 (18:49)

  • i like the bends more than ok computer.
  • got an attachment for my dremel to keep it perpendicular to the cutting surface. should be useful.
  • talked to michelle at work today. she seems like a pretty decent person once you get past the thick shell. we talked about michael moore and it turns out she's met him once before...said he was smelly, but seemed like a good guy. i asked her if she felt she'd ever be appreciated by the home office (her bosses). she said no. i asked what was keeping her at the theater and she replied "fear and inertia." i totally agree with her and hope that she decides to do something with her life. she says that the only satisfaction she gets from her job is when she positively affects one of her customers or employees. i hope i don't ever get stuck like her. it's easy to get stuck like that and some people don't realize just how easy it is.
  • updated movies list.
  • might watch ocean's eleven again tonight.
  • i think what gandhi and i are trying to say above is that people should match their reality with their ideology. if you think it's wrong to eat meat then don't eat meat, if you think the world should recycle and reuse products more then that change should start with yourself. he says it his way and i say it mine, both are effective.
  • this whole lack of US cooperation with the kyoto stuff makes me very disappointed.
  • took 13 cds out of my collection yesterday...i'm trying to thin my collection a little.
  • the good thing about led zeppelin relative to the beatles is that their albums are more consistent. that means that when i'm in the mood for led zeppelin i can pick any of their eight albums and be happy. whereas if i'm the mood for some beatles it's usually a choice between abbey road and the white album...occasionally it might be sgt. peppers, let it be, or revolver, but their great stuff so overshadows their good stuff that the good stuff gets left in the dust.
  • haven't rented any movies lately because it requires me to do too many things...go rent them in the first place, watch them, return them, and pay for them. watching a movie at the theater is more fun, free, and doesn't require me to return the movie by a certain date. because i work all the time it just makes more sense to watch new movies rather than renting old ones. i do want to see 'when we were kings' again before 'ali' comes out.

  • 12-10-01 (18:06)

  • michelle (my boss at the theater) said "so the question of the day would be: is my box big enough." she was talking about a box for shipping a broken register, but i didn't know that until i told her to stop coming on to me.
  • talked to a new co-worker about politics today. he believes the death penalty is good, anyone who tries can get a job, and the war is "just." naturally we hit it off right away....that's when i got my ass kicked.
  • "Scotland has enough potential wind and wave energy to power the entire U.K., according to an independent study that has been met with excitement by the Scottish government. Known as one of the windiest spots in Europe, Scotland could apparently provide almost a quarter of the U.K.'s energy needs from onshore wind farms, without having to construct the farms on designated scenic areas.  Wave and tidal stream energy could meet the other three-quarters of Britain's power needs.  A second report issued today said Scotland could achieve its goal of generating 18 percent of its electricity from renewable sources by 2010."
  • watched 30 minutes of coyote ugly the other day. it's right up there with the fast and the furious in terms of best movies to laugh at.

  • 12-9-01 (00:54)

  • got some more cds today.
  • www.stealitback.com has good deals on police seizures.

  • 12-8-01 (10:16)

  • got up early to goto a meeting at work.
  • was going to take the car in, but they're too busy to take it.
  • i have a lot of promo cds i need to sort through and not much time to really listen to anything.
  • the chemical bros. single "it began in afrika" doesn't disappoint.
  • "In a blow to environmentalists and unions, Republicans in the U.S. House pushed through a plan yesterday to give President Bush broad authority to negotiate trade agreements.  The bill, which was approved by a single vote, would take away from Congress the power to amend trade deals brokered by the administration; lawmakers could merely vote yea or nay on the pacts.  Enviro groups and unions fear their concerns would receive short shrift under such a system. Democrats also argued that the bill would enable foreign investors to challenge environmental regulations in the U.S..  To win the vote, the White House and GOP leadership played the terrorism card and doled out favors to any fence-sitting House members.  A similar bill is expected to pass easily in the Senate."
  • "What's with all the talk about national energy security and a recession?  American consumers aren't listening to the worrywarts -- they're out there doing their patriotic duty, lining up to buy SUVs at a record clip.  Sales in November were up 13.7 percent last month from the year before. In fact, so far this year, half of the 20 best-selling vehicles in the country have been SUVs, according to the Commerce Department.  (Could this have something to do with an announcement by the U.S. EPA in October that fuel efficiency for all 2001 model cars is only 20.4 miles per gallon, the lowest in two decades?)  Senate Democrats said this week that they would fight to increase fuel-efficiency standards for SUVs, but somehow they forgot to mention just what size increase they would push for."
  • why do we "ride" bikes, but "drive" cars. as a bike driver i'm offended by this. i think that driving should be reserved for bikes and riding for cars. when "riding" a bike i am actually driving the wheels with my own power, whereas in a car i'm just along for the ride that the engine power gives me. both require some driver interaction - steering, braking, paying attention, etc., but with a bike there is more of an interaction (not to mention the fact that driver balance comes into play). so for the sake of all bike drivers out there, please don't demean us by insisting we are merely along for the ride.

  • 12-6-01 (01:32)

  • i think people should wash their hands more and their bodies less. hands should be washed frequently because of health concerns and bodies don't need to be washed everyday because, under normal conditions, they just don't get that dirty. it would save a lot of water.
  • aphex twin set out to compose one of his songs only at times when he was masturbating. he's funny.
  • my head kinda hurts.
  • wish final doom worked.
  • heard grand theft auto 3 is really cool.
  • i like getting a check every week, but i don't like having to work two jobs/seven days a week. still haven't decided to quit the theater. lately everyone has been really nice, at least to me, and that is despite business being slow. lord of the rings is coming out in a couple weeks though so maybe an argument could be made that michelle is just happy because she knows we'll make money soon. working there two days a week means i don't get burnt out, but i still get the benefits of working there (extra money and free movies). if i quit the theater then i think i'd get xmas eve off.
  • i'd like to have some time off to goto a movie in sacramento or possibly catch a kings game or goto sac state and figure out what i need to do to become a real teacher.
  • being in retail for the first real time in my life has made me appreciate what people in retail have to deal with everyday. it's also made me realize how lame franchises can be. it's also resparked my interest in opening up my own business where i could sell good milkshakes and breakfast burritos and other grill items. being your own boss is really the way to go. being a teacher would kinda be like that, especially given the right circumstances. at the high school level you'd most likely have to deal with some retarded administration and lame curriculum requirements, but if you're creative then i'm sure those can be skirted or cheated a bit.
  • next time i buy cds from tower i'll get ravi shankar, the four (which includes yellow submarine) remaining beatles albums, and some bill hicks. it should be a fun day.
  • definitely should take the car in some time soon while i have a little money. after i get a few things looked at i can go ahead and sell it.
  • i don't like it when it's so cold.

  • 12-5-01 (23:10)

  • worked for another eight hours today. nothing exciting.
  • bought some cds...the first since i've worked at tower. it's amazing how easy it is to be broke and how hard it is to get out of the hole.
  • i like the new aphex twin album a lot. rolling stone has crackheads for reviewers nowadays.

  • 12-5-01 (01:13)

  • got to about level 9 of final doom and then it started to freeze whenever i loaded my saved game so i'm not going to bother playing it anymore.
  • thought i had work at 11am today...actually didn't have to go until 130. missed out on some valuable sleep.
  • work is getting old so i'm trying to learn how to receive shipments and order things.
  • ups is lame.
  • updated movies list.
  • one guy at work was looking for pink floyd cds under "F" that was probably only thing worth noting all day.

  • 12-3-01 (01:36)

  • johnny will be in santa cruz for a month or so. planned on watching a movie with him today, but i guess he skipped town early.
  • got to make next week's schedule at the theater today. that was new and kept me busy for a little while. i've discovered that i like to learn new things and keep my brain busy with new challenges. it's one reason why i think i'd have fun as a professional thief...it's the kind of thing that would never get old and if i made a profession out of it i would constantly be traveling and keeping my brain busy with new scams. it would be a fun and fruitful life.
  • final doom is a pretty hard game. overall quake is better, but not by much. anything past quake is too advanced for me.
  • lord of the rings is reputed to be over three hours long.
  • my computer is over five years old.
  • i'm going to play doom and then sleep. i've got work at 12 tomorrow.

  • 12-1-01 (01:48)

  • i guess it's december. decembers are usually pretty good.
  • close by myself tomorrow...hopefully i know everything i need to know.
  • got employee of the month at tower so i'll get fifty bucks for that.
  • saw jeopardy while i was on lunch today...it seems they've raised the rewards since the last time i saw the show. i was wondering if/when they were going to do that.
  • working seven days a week isn't that bad overall, but it does get annoying in the long run. the key is taking it one day at a time and not thinking about the fact that you don't have any days off to yourself.
  • it was sad to hear that george harrison died today. he was my favorite beatle and i've maintained that for a long time.
  • the beatles were a better studio band than led zeppelin, but led zeppelin was better live. you take the studio trickery away from the beatles and there is no doubt that led zeppelin has them beat, but things as they are...i've decided that the two are tied in my book.
  • i'd like to buy some new speakers. something smaller, but with just as much performance. when have more money than i can justify keeping in my checking account (usually anything above 50 bucks) then i'll buy some new speakers.
  • saw jessica simpson singing some xmas crap on the daily show last night and it made me laugh and cry at the same time.
  • reorganized the whole singles section at work today. each day i try to give myself a big project and it makes the day go by pretty quickly.

  • i've gotten a couple people coming into tower during my shift wanting to sell their old beatles cds. yesterday i bought the white album from this guy and gave him 8 bucks store credit for the 2 CD set...he came back with a used alanis morissette album and bought that with the credit he got for the white album. i pleaded with him to not get rid of his beatles album in exchange for alanis...but to no avail. i was very disappointed. then there was a girl who came in and sold the beatles anthology 1. she was willing to take 8.60 in store credit for it. there are just some cds you need to keep and it distresses me that people are so willing to get rid of such good albums.

    11-29-01 (00:34)

  • can't wait for bush to announce that the international agreement to leave antartica alone was made in a different time and doesn't make sense in the 21st century. i'll never forget his face when he said "the cold war is over" as if it was a revelation. what a funny guy.
  • i propose a gender neutral alternative for the informal terms guy and gal: gay. bush is a funny gay.
  • tis very cold these days.
  • i don't take anyone seriously when they say "tis" or "methinks" or other such antiquated words....either they're really really old (in which case it's okay) or they're trying to be cool.
  • i play one level of final doom before going to sleep and that's usually a pretty good night cap.

  • 11-27-01 (20:35)

  • since sept. 11th more than half a million people have lost their jobs...how many of them are actually benefitting from the airline bailouts or the economic stimulus programs? it seems that someone could run on the platform of "policy for the children" and would have a good shot at winning. point out how the current system doesn't support parents in parenting (doesn't even give them the option), doesn't provide good enough education, and doesn't even provide the option for free or cheap child healthcare in a lot of cases. how can a government justify spending billions on weapons that don't work (read: osprey) and corporate welfare and yet still allow 40-50 percent (the same rate as the UK) of our children to be born into poverty? it seems like a platform ripe for the taking.
  • good website with (wage-rent disparity) housing data.
  • work went by pretty quickly today.
  • looked at my check book and cried.
  • did some dishes and cleaned a bit.
  • i work a lot and it doesn't seem to help at all.
  • got the keys and safe combos to tower today.
  • "The Bush administration has promised the pesticide industry that it will overturn a Clinton-era policy that prohibited using information obtained from industry studies on human subjects to determine pesticide limits.  Under the new policy, which hasn't yet been officially announced, the U.S. EPA would be able to set limits based on data from tests in which paid volunteers ingest small amounts of pesticides, despite ethical and safety concerns raised by environmentalists and physicians.  The about-face would also defy recommendations made to the agency by a scientific panel in 1998. Two panel members called for an absolute ban on human testing of pesticides, while the 16 other members said such tests should be very limited.  For its part, the industry claims that animal testing doesn't provide an accurate enough picture of how safe pesticides are for humans and results in overly strict restrictions on pesticide use."

  • 11-26-01 (18:35)

  • i think that valuing life so much could get us in trouble. people who want to push cloning are definitely going to push it under the guise of a life saving technology, and though true, it's repercussions (esp. economic) are frightening. if cloning were to become available it would be available to the rich and then it just becomes a socially accepted form of economic darwinism. that's scary to me.
  • if love is accepting a person despite some of the bad things they may do then how does that relate to patriotism or a love for one's country? is it fair to compare the two? certainly true patriotism should include support in times of need, but it should also include concern enough to push it in the right direction and point out weaknesses or failures in policy. does the same apply for the love of a significant other?
  • katha pollitt had a good article in the nation this week.
  • work was slow at first and then picked up after i started talking to a girl i was working with. her parents are from india and were the product of an arranged marriage so she grew up with pretty conservative/"traditional" parents. it's good to talk with people of different cultures.
  • i think feelings of superiority, however substantiated, can be dangerous.

  • 11-26-01 (01:38)

  • another run of the mill day for me. woke up late, watched a movie, went to work, came home and watched tv, now i'm tired.
  • updated movies list.
  • probably should sell my car soon.
  • it's been very cold lately.

  • 11-25-01 (00:46)

  • work wasn't so great until my lunch break and then things started to pick up. they have me at supervisor now so i'm learning even more new stuff.....just when i thought i was getting comfortable with the relatively new job they push me to the next level.
  • been pretty busy lately. i definitely won't get a day off until i quit my job at the theater. so i'll probably be working seven days a week for another month or so...in all likelihood.
  • updated movies list.
  • very windy and rainy last night. the power went out in isolated portions of davis. the first wind of the season blows all the twigs and leaves all over the place. crazy wind is nice once in a while. powerful wind can be fun.
  • ate at the new mexican food place today - it's good, but not as good as dos coyotes - more authentic though.
  • working one 9a-6p shift a week shouldn't be too bad. last night i didn't get much rest and had a fucked up dream about a shoot out in downtown davis.
  • working on xmas is actually going to be a good thing because instead of going to la and spending money on gas i'll be making 14 bucks an hour working at tower records for 8 hours. it will be the first time i've gone without some sort of xmas morning festivities and that'll kinda suck. but money is the modern panacea.
  • listened to the new crystal method album the other day...seemed pretty good at first listen, but the cool part is that tom morello worked on a few of the tracks with them so i'll definitely have to get that one of these days. so far i haven't gotten any cds while working at tower; i'm pretty proud of that fact.
  • i need to become a teacher so i can avoid making  just 13,000 bucks a year working as a supervisor at a retail store.... and so i can get holidays and summers off as well.

  • 11-23-01 (02:05)
  • work was lame tonight. harry potter burned at the very end so we had to give a bunch of refunds. then the next show ended up getting cancelled, but only after many tickets had been sold. the worst part was that i had different managers telling me to do different things at different times...there was no organization. one told me to keep selling tickets, one told me to stop, then they told me to sell them, but with a warning, then they said they had the problem fixed, but there would be a delay and finally they told me that they weren't going to show the movie so i had dozens of angry customers who wanted refunds. some of them got mad at me and some of them understood that it wasn't my fault. overall it was a big headache.
  • asked this one girl for her student id card so she could get the student rate. i saw that it was an id card from a college in new mexico so i told her that i had been there over the summer. she said that was cool and then noticed that i was reading "the nation" and said "you were just in new mexico and you're reading the nation?" at first i thought those were two good things, but she said it in a sarcastic way so assumed that she wasn't sympathetic to the left wing. i replied "am i to assume that you read the national republic? (a conservative magazine)" she said no and then i asked what she read and she replied "nothing." overall it was a confusing conversation which ended in my wanting to break her non-reading face.
  • there were some good customers though...one family came up wanting to see monsters inc. a little girl in the family had a 49ers jacket on and i asked if she liked the niners she said yes. so i gave the whole family child rates...probably saved them about ten bucks. i also gave a similar discount to a group who had two students and a mother. the students were from uc berkeley and ucla. i chatted with the berkeley student about "the play" versus stanford and about westwood villiage with the ucla student. they ended up saving five bucks for being generally nice people.
  • when i asked my co-worker, adrian, what he thought of the way the administration has handled current events he said "i guess i'm happy with pretty much anything they do." oh boy.

  • 11-22-01 (15:40)

  • so if superbowl sunday is the biggest advertising day of the year what are the top five? super bowl sunday, thanksgiving?, xmas eve?, day after thanksgiving?, day after xmas?...one thing i do know is that war correspondents have the 4th most dangerous job according to TLC.

  • 11-22-01 (15:01)

  • had my first pastrami sandwich yesterday. it was pretty good.
  • have work from 5-close tonight, that's lame.
  • nothing to do, nothing to say.
  • orbital is good. in-sides is amazing.
  • my back hurts already.
  • melanie left early this morning.
  • they want me to be a supervisor by november 30th at tower.
  • might have some apple pie and a quesadilla for dinner tonight.
  • 11-21-01 (01:54)
  • gave myself a haircut the other day.
  • worked from 130-1030 at tower. don't feel as comfortable there as i do at the theater because i still don't know how to do returns, trade credit redeems, etc.
  • i'm busy a lot these days.
  • watched a program on the learning channel called "weird worlds"...it was about alternative lifestyles and it focused on body art and alternative medicine. it showed some people who felt they were more themselves after they had amputated certain parts of their bodies (nads and digits mostly). it was very interesting. i'm glad they showed that program on tlc because keeping people open-minded is a good thing.
  • melanie leaves thursday morning or wednesday night for home.
  • i wish i had a better memory.
  • "A light-vehicle fleet that was just 2.7 miles per gallon more efficient would eliminate Gulf imports." that means that if retail cars were just a bit more efficient the 22% of our oil supply which we get from the gulf would be unnecessary.
  • "The (trans-alaskan oil) pipeline would carry a domestic energy source all right, but it's frighteningly insecure. It's mostly aboveground, accessible to attackers, and can become impossible to repair in winter. If pumping stations or key facilities at either end were disabled, 9 million barrels of hot oil could congeal in one winter week into an 800-mile-long Chapstik." and this assumes that there's enough oil up there to make it profitable to start drilling. oh and it would take about 10 years to start getting oil anyway.
  • "Gas-guzzling cars and light trucks are responsible for 20 percent of the carbon dioxide the United States pumps into the air each year. The US consumes over 7 billion barrels of oil products each year, sending more than $200,000 overseas every minute."

  • 11-19-01 (02:24)

  • would have liked to see the 49ers game today. hopefully when i have to work sundays from now on it'll be a closing shift so i can watch football and read the paper.
  • updated movies list. going to watch monsters inc. sometime.
  • hardly have time to listen to music these days.
  • johnny says he wants to see harry potter again. in retrospect the movie doesn't really do much for me.
  • i don't think the rollerball remake is going to be very good.
  • shrek 2 in 2004? the machine never stops working...

  • 11-18-01 (00:50)

  • updated movies list.
  • haven't been seeing good movies lately. i don't regret watching the movies i've seen, but i still would like to see some better ones. watched part of barton fink the other night, but it was on bravo and they have commercials so i changed the channel.
  • i like jimmy fallon.
  • worked from 9-5 today, will do the same tomorrow.
  • next day off i get is sunday and i'll probably end up having to work that at the theater. the theater does their scheduling week by week whereas tower does it a couple weeks in advance.
  • working seven days a week is lame and will end before the year is over.
  • my back has been hurting for the last nine months and there isn't anything i can do about it. i'm looking forward to 60 more years of back pain.
  • the good thing about morpheus is the ease in which you can resume downloads...it's good for anyone with a modem connection, but probably goes unnoticed by anyone who has dsl.
  • it's been getting cooler lately. hopefully it's not going to be a cold and rainy winter. last winter it got very cold and i wasn't too pleased by god's decision to do that to me.
  • harry potter has made working at the theater more of a pain. i got a stomach ache because i was stressed out by the long lines and retarded customers. eventually i figured out that i should just take my time and let the people wait an extra 30 seconds to get their five dollar popcorn and three dollar soda.
  • after work i read a couple chapters of michael moore's book and then took a long nap.
  • had pizza for breakfast and dinner.
  • need to go food shopping sometime.
  • vaughn at work smoked too much pot when he was younger...he seriously can't remember shit. "so chris what shift you working today?" he says..."3-10" i say..."that's a pretty sweet shift man - you don't have to open or close; nice."..."yeah i like it" i say. 30 seconds passes by during which we stand around and clean. then i stop and say "i feel sorry for you since you have to close tonight."..."yeah it's going to suck closing tonight. wait, you don't close tonight?" he says..."no, i get off at 10 tonight." i say hoping that'll jog his memory..."at 10? what kind of shift is that? what time did you get on?" he asks..."i got on at 3 and i work until 10, it's a new shift i guess...since it's so busy lately." i say..."oh cool. that's a pretty sweet shift."..."yup."
  • if i ever have some time i'd like to find a script for a search feature on this page. it would be nice (at least for me) to be able to look up "hitchhiking" and see what days in the last few years i talked about the trip.
  • one lady the other day put mustard on her popcorn and another asked if we had parmesan cheese for the popcorn. interesting.
  • question i least like to hear - "can i ask a question?" it's wrong in so many ways.
  • a lady and her son (or maybe her little brother) came up and wanted some popcorn and soda today and the first thing she said was "hi, how ya doing?" the odd thing was that she actually paused and waited for a reply. i told her i wasn't doing very well and she said that she was sorry and her face seemed to indicate that she wasn't just trying to be nice...she was actually sorry. so i told her why my day wasn't going well and i told her that i appreciated her asking and actually stopping to hear my answer. i told her that it saddens me to have people ask how i'm doing and then start barking out candy and popcorn orders in the same breath. i told her that i've heard a lot of foreigners have complaints about americans being too faux-courteous...she said she could relate and that she thought it was lame as well. at one point i turned to her little brother (or son) and said "your parents might tell you to be polite and always say please and thank you, but i think you should only do it when you really mean it." that's what i do and i hope that people pick up on the fact that my politeness isn't a given...i try to say it only when i really mean it. i think that that makes my 'thank yous' more meaningful.
  • i need to do laundry some time soon.
  • moby wants us to remember september 11th forever. the ladies wearing black on the corner of F and 2nd want us to mourn those who died. i guess everyone needs to decide for themselves how long is long enough to mourn and be debilitated by the horrific, awful, terrible, horrendous, shocking, ghastly, abhorrent, and tragic event. jesus told me last night that we must mourn forever and nietzsche told me that mourning is useless and only holds me back. seriously though, i hope we all remember it for the rest of our lives because forgetting it would be tragic, but i also hope that we're all able to get drunk every weekend in good conscience and humor without september 11th hanging over our heads. i also wish that people would stick to one adjective when describing the event. it seems as though it's a contest sometimes to see who can show the most grief by using the most adjectives in describing the event.
  • acrylic and plastic are just as cool as glass, despite what moby has to say. i think he watched the same show on the learning channel as i did the other day. tlc really makes cable worth it.
  • i need to sleep.

  • 11-14-01 (23:28)

  • the new incubus album actually has its moments. in fact, the last track (aqueous transmission) is downright good. try it before you knock it.
  • i'm hungry.
  • finally have a fixed schedule at tower.
  • harry potter comes out in a couple of days...friday, saturday and sunday will be insane at the theater. i screwed up and got myself scheduled overlapping shifts for those three days at my two places of employment - not good. tomorrow i'll seek to rectify the situation.

  • 11-13-01 (16:24)

  • saw a movie yesterday with johnny and vern. updated movieslist.
  • it's started raining the last few days which is a nice change, but i'm not looking forward to winter.
  • thinking very seriously about quitting my job at the theater. let it suffice to say that the management there is mostly lame. now that i have the job at tower i have the luxury of quitting the theater so i might do that.
  • have work at the theater later tonight. not looking forward to it at all.
  • working at the library was a pretty sweet setup. really wish i could have gotten a part-time job there.
  • have nothing to say.

  • 11-12-01 (00:07)

  • woke up at 530am today and went for a hike with johnny and steve.
  • the hike was really hard for me. my muscles ached and my knees still ache. everytime i took another step up the mountain it grew harder, the air grew thinner and cooler. by the time we got near the top it was around 30 degrees, snowing/raining, and pretty windy. finally i convinced them that i had had enough so we turned back. it was really beautiful. it was nice to get away from things and be active. it was nice to see snow and to see it snowing. it was nice to see the quaking aspens and the fall colors both in the trees and in ferns on the ground. i think that the colors of the moss, ferns, and autumn leaves made the trip worth it. none of us drank enough water while we were hiking and that wasn't too smart since we were hiking for about 5 hours at elevation and such. if i was serious about hiking i would definitely get a water bladder so i'd have plenty of water and easy access to it.
  • we got back to davis in time to see the end of the 49er game and that made me happy.
  • after the game and some eats we took the potato launcher out and had fun with explosives for a little while.
  • i have tomorrow off and that is very good.
  • i don't know why i'm still awake.
  • might watch the jet li movie tomorrow.
  • haven't talked with phil or jon in a while.
  • don't have any days off of work until at least thanksgiving, but i might have to work at the theater on that day too. it doesn't really matter to me either way. everyone i know is going to be gone so i may as well work.
  • lately i've just been happy enough to get by. no real complaints.
  • not looking forward to seeing lord of the rings or harry potter, but it seems like everyone else is - even vern the movie nazi.
  • i downloaded civilization 2 the other day, but not civilization 3. haven't installed or played it though. i'd rather play doom 2, but i haven't even had time for that. tomorrow i have plenty of time. don't know what i'll do.
  • if pot is so harmless then why do pregnant mothers normally quit pot while pregnant? i mean if it's all natural like wyclef and most pot smokers say...if it's not bad for you then why the worry? i guess most of the time people who say that it's harmless mean that it's harmless relative to some of the harder drugs...and i'd agree with that.
  • it seems that the more i think about most issues i fall somewhere in the middle of the most people. i don't consider myself as much to the left as the stereotypical berkeley student, but i'm certainly no bush supporter either. for example, i'm not someone who pretends that pot is evil and needs to have a war waged against it, but i also think that people don't give it nearly enough credit for what it does to your lungs and memory.
  • updated movies list.
  • stomach hurt most of the day. don't know if i ate something that didn't sit right or if i was just stressed out. it's been happening lately while i work at the theater. i should smoke a joint to relax. or maybe listen to some music. same difference.
  • watched some quality tv today...junkyard wars (where teams convene in a junkyard and have ten hours to make a particular machine and match it up against the other team...for example, both teams have to make a glider and whichever team can make a glider that can sustain flight for the longest period of time wins the competition). also watched something on the learning channel about making robots based upon designs in nature - from spiders and ants to snakes. i also watched part of the raider game, but then i dozed off.
  • i bet the 49ers pissed some gamblers off by not covering the spread in the final minute when they were within 4 yards of the endzone.

  • 11-7-01 (12:22)

  • sf voted for government subsidies of solar panels and wind power. good.
  • tyrone called this morning and wanted me to work because someone called in sick...told him i have to work at tower today. the shifts at tower are longer and i get an hour for lunch so both of those things are nice.
  • made a list of movies and cds i want to buy while i work at tower...luckily i also balanced my checkbook and paid my bills before making the list so i know that i can't afford anything.
  • heard the new aphex twin album is bad, but i don't believe it.
  • it's been a pretty bad year for movies and music.
  • i should eat breakfast and go to work.

  • 11-7-01 (00:44)

  • updated movies list.

  • 11-6-01 (23:27)

  • go on a long hike next sunday and monday, that'll hurt.
  • got paid yesterday, that'll help.
  • played risk and that was fun.
  • haven't gotten much time to update the webpage and check my email and such.
  • voted today.
  • we started selling harry potter tickets already.
  • don't have much time to do much of anything now that i don't get any time off. after i come home from work all i want to do is just sit around.
  • tomorrow i work at tower.

  • 11-5-01 (00:30)

  • been really busy lately

  • 11-1-01 (23:40)

  • what a game! the yankees pull off the same 9th inning heroics as yesterday. when we saw them play the angels in new york they tried to do the same thing, but couldn't quite pull it off. they were down 4-2 and in the 9th inning they rallied for one run, but came up short. now in two world series games they've been down by two runs and pulled off the victory each time. after watching the 1986 world series game on espn classic i didn't think it got much better than that, but the last two games proved me wrong. just wow.
  • had 6 hours of work today...worked in the box and wasn't off at all. i did mess up on one refund, but that's because i wasn't properly trained and martin west led me astray. of course after michelle counted me out she gave me no props for working my first shift in the box without being short any money. i knew after trying to strike up conversation about her 1974 beetle that she was a fairly worthless person.
  • the best thing about working in the box selling tickets is that you can sit down and read between shows. so i read the latest issue of the nation and became edumacated. now all i need to do is get organizized.
  • read in the paper, and in grist magazine, that bush had to rethink his arsenic decision. he's a loser.
  • there's a really good/funny article in the nation's nov. 5th issue called "court time for henry" it's about henry kissinger being a bumbling buffoon and a complete asshole on top of that. i think kissinger's newest book title sums his character up rather well: "Does America Need A Foreign Policy?" hmmmm. but my favority line from the article is: "the bush administration is opposed to the ICC that is now taking shape, which meant that when the president was asked what he intended to do about the perpetrators of the recent aggression he had to embarrass himself by resorting to his least attractive 'don't mess with texas' mode, and bable about 'wanted dead or alive' like a cartoon sheriff."
  • i've got work tomorrow from 10-7 so i'm not going to the employee screening of jet li's new movie "the one" or of pixar's "monsters inc."
  • watched an episode of modern marvels on the history channel today...the last one i saw was about the buidling of the panama canal, this one was about the equally amazing construction of the tunnel under the english channel. crazy cool.
  • was watching tv and the news had a little advertisement which went something like this: "our bridges could be the next targets of terrorism, more at 10pm." if it bleeds it leads. there is a right and wrong way to relay potentially useful information like that...plugging the story as a teaser after the world series isn't one of them.
  • "CLIMATE CONTRAIL Of the many unprecedented events of Sept. 11, one of them -- the near-absence of airplanes in the skies that day and the next -- has given scientists important clues for studying the impact of aviation on climate change.  Normally, the sky above 25,000 feet is full of contrails, cloud-like phenomena that form when ice crystals bond to jet fumes.  Climatologists have long suspected that contrails contribute to global warming, but with constant air traffic, there was no way to compare the sky with and without airplanes.  Now scientists are optimistic that data from Sept. 11 and 12 will help refine climate change computer modeling.  Meanwhile for an update on the climate negotiation scene, as the latest round of international talks begins this week in Morocco, visit the Grist Magazine website."
  • i do believe that after the attacks we have a better chance of pushing for less dependency upon middle eastern oil...however this, for bush, means looking elsewhere for oil because energy doesn't exist outside of burning oil and coal.
  • i'm the first to admit that bush did a good job in making sure that we didn't get muslims and terrorists confused, but beyond that i think he's really dropped the ball. he has an amazing chance to change dramatically the way we deal with the middle east (repeal the unwritten "carter doctrine" which embodies the attitude that any attack on the middle east is an attack on our [oil] interests), the way we depend on oil (especially from saudi arabia) as an energy source, and our national attitude towards global coalitions like the kyoto talks and the ICC. in every category he seems to be failing.
  • need to sleep.
  • got the killing on dvd today so if you want the great kubrick classic on vhs let me know. oh, i also have boogie nights on vhs if anyone is interested.
  • 11-1-01 (02:13)
  • had my first day on the clock at tower records today. watched videos the whole time and discovered that customer service is really important to them.
  • actually looking forward to "ali," but i plan on watching "when we were kings" again before i watch ali. melanie hasn't seen it and it's a really good introduction to what ali was really about. ali is directed by michael mann so it should be good.
  • politically incorrect was good tonight. i goto the taping on friday right after 9 hours at work. i'll finally start making some money and that's good.
  • found out today that when rolling stone magazine first reviewed dr. dre's the "chronic" and nirvana's "nevermind" they gave each 3 out of 5 stars. rolling stone hasn't ever earned much of my respect. i guess they were supposed to be good when they first came out and their interviews are sometimes pretty decent, but that's about it.
  • the new snoop dogg movie (bones) isn't going to come out in davis because the home office (which owns both theaters in davis) doesn't feel it'll do well. they're right, but it's still fucked up. i'd rather watch bones than "glitter" or "corky romano" or "13 ghosts"
  • i'll have to start paying attention to music news now that i have a job at tower records.
  • the beatles were a little too happy to have pictures of their ugly mugs placed all over everything associated with them.

  • when we were on the trip someone asked why, of all the stadiums there are, i picked yankee stadium to see a game at. i replied "because i think yankee stadium has a lot of history" and he replied "well there are a lot of parks with just as much history." i beg to differ my friend.

    10-31-01 (21:08)

  • just saw an amazing world series game...one that will be remembered by sports fans for a long time. the series looks a whole lot different now that it's tied.
  • going to chevy's for dinner with johnny and vern.
  • passed the cbest test.
  • got the job at tower. in the next ten days i'll work a total of 73 hours between my two jobs.

  • 10-30-01 (01:35)

  • basketball was fun.
  • what are we bombing?
  • world is fiendishly moronic.
  • why is it that we always find out who politicians sleep with, but not who they are in bed with? that is to say...we find out who they have sexual intercourse with, but not who gives them insane amounts of money in exchange for political favors.
  • the most interesting part of my life is work.
  • pretty much on cruise control these days.
  • i'm thinking about the most consequential way to leave work. should i write out a list of grievances? should i explain to the management why they suck and how they could remedy it? should i walk out in a dramatic scene when michelle disrespects me? should i go out quietly? should i try to take as many people with me as possible?
  • today seemed pretty long.
  • i had sushi burps almost all day because i didn't eat anything else until after midnight when i had chips, salsa and ice cream.
  • the balanced diet is my forte.
  • didn't see kpax tonight. no big loss. it'll most likely be another hokie hollywood formula film.
  • it was nifty playing basketball with nic. normally he'll only hang out with us when luke is around.
  • i should play basketball more often. that won't happen though because davis has seasons. seasons are over-rated. i prefer to go to the weather and have my default be a sunny 70-85 degrees. i respectfully disagree with anyone who thinks otherwise.
  • watched some mnf tonight. saw one great play and then probably changed it to the history channel.
  • i don't really watch the news anymore and i've never been one to read news on the internet so i don't really know what's going on these days. i have started to get some blurbs in my inbox about the more interesting news often not addressed on tv.
  • pledged $120 on kvie the other day, almost forgot about that.
  • clemens will step up.
  • civilization II sounds like a good game.
  • i wasn't productive like i should have been.
  • when you look at it that way, yeah war is good.
  • cursive is lame unless it's good.
  • sleeping is the most fun i have on any given day sleeping is the most fun i have.

  • 10-29-01 (14:03)

  • went out for sushi with johnny and ivonne. it was pretty good, nothing fantastic, but good.
  • paid my phone bill online, suprisingly that's the first bill (other than ebay) i've paid online.
  • might play some basketball tonight. might watch kpax tonight. might not do anything tonight.
  • i should be productive right now.
  • i think eventually americans are going to grow tired of killing innocent afghans and wasting bombs. unless we get more information about our tactics i don't think we'll support the "war" effort for very long.

  • 10-29-01 (01:07)

  • just watched game 6 of the 1986 world series...what a game. i feel so so sorry for bill buckner.
  • watched the first few innings of the yankee/diamondbacks game and figures that it was going to turn out the way it did so i took a nap.
  • going to sushi with johnny tomorrow; melanie and ivonne might also show up, but i'm guessing it'll be just the two of us.
  • have tomorrow off, tuesday i have the interview at tower and work from 6 to close. same old stuff.
  • "peoples and governments never have learned anything from history, or acted on principles deduced from it." - hegel
  • i thought i read some quote from gandhi about his taking solace in the fact that good has always prevailed eventually. i hope i misread it.
  • "without music life would be a mistake" - nietzsche
  • "two great european narcotics, alcohol and christianity" - nietzsche
  • "wherever germany extends her sway, she ruins culture" - nietzsche
  • "god created woman. and boredom did indeed cease from that moment - but many other things cease as well! woman was god's second mistake" - nietzsche
  • "man is born free, and everywhere he is in irons" - rousseau
  • "the right of conquest has no foundation other than the right of the strongest" - rousseau
  • "what wisdom can you find that is greater than kindness?" - rousseau
  • "god makes all things good; man meddles with them and they become evil" - rousseau
  • "a man says what he knows, a woman says what will please" - rousseau
  • "democracy is the worst form of government, except for all the others." - winston churchill
  • "the arabs are a backward people who eat nothing but camel dung." - winston churchill
  • i think this makes it painfully obvious that even smart people say some extremely stupid things....just as nietzshce is dead on when he talks about music and european narcotics he's a bit simple when speaking about germany, and funny, but not very progressive, when speaking of women.
  • the newest orbital album has the feel of a lot of stuff that the kfmf (kosmic free music foundation) used to put out.
  • i'm going to sleep.

  • 10-28-01 (1:10)

  • updated movies list.
  • work was lame again. they (management) really don't have respect for others and it sucks. today was johnny's last day so it'll be even less bearable. if tower hires me and things are good there then i might quit. have work at 10am tomorrow, that'll suck ass.
  • last two days before i've gone to work i've listened to abbey road up until the second i left the house.
  • hung out with johnny after work.
  • watched tv with melanie.
  • got the new garbage album from a chick at tower so that's a sign of things to come....free music is good.
  • when johnny gets his digital camera back i'm going to take pictures of the escort and put it up for sale.
  • the first song on the new garbage album is pretty good, the second sucks and i'm listening to the third now.
  • on the one hand i want to ditch the theater job and on the other i want to tough it out. part of me thinks it's unbearable and part of me knows it could be a lot worse and i'm just being spoiled for thinking about leaving if i get the job at tower.
  • i find it really funny that people talk about things they really don't know shit about...whether it be the cause of cancer or the thoughts of an average afghan citizen.
  • next friday i see the taping of politically incorrect. yay.
  • i don't shower or shave much these days.
  • i should be more active. i wish i had enough of the kind of friends who would like to play ultimate frisbee or football on the weekends, but i don't know enough people and i think a lot of people just look at as too much of a pain.
  • i guess i haven't been into new music lately so i can't really comment on the state of affairs in the music world, but it seems that whenever i listen to radio stations that are playing new music it all sucks, it also seems that all the theater tunes which are supposed to introduce you to new music sensations are also all lame. this new garbage album is also no good. garbage's last album was good, oh well.
  • i need to ask for the 11th and 12th of november off so i can go to pyramid peak with johnny and vaughn.
  • i guess it's supposed to rain the next couple days.
  • looks like i'm going to get trained for the box on thursday and trained for projection (a 50 cent raise) next week. projection would make working at the theater bearable.
  • dawn of the dead was on ifc today...watched part of it. great flick.
  • i've concluded that the new garbage album is crap. i'm going to sell it unless someone claims it first.
  • watched the last half of back to the future today. johnny and i agree that it's a fantastic film.
  • i want to watch event horizon again sometime.
  • martin gave johnny a piggy back ride around theater #4 today while we were supposed to be cleaning. martin is the only person at the management position who isn't a prick; he's also a frat boy. woulda thunk i would ever get along with a frat guy?
  • it's funny how once you start working on a regular basis it becomes the main thing in your life...i don't think about interesting things like philosophy and politics and physics as much these days. most of the time i'm thinking about how i'm happy to be off work, about how i'm dreading going to work, or how lame work is. what i should do is bring the two realms together and form a union at work demanding respect, higher wages, benefits, more consistency, and logical guidelines.
  • i'm bored with life mostly. i have fun at moments in the day, but it doesn't enrich my life enough to keep me satisfied. maybe it's always been like that. either way it's funny that i feel that way because i'm more busy these days than i have been in the past. i also have much different standards for what qualifies as 'busy.'
  • i've found that for the most part i'm pretty okay with whatever is going on in my life. naturally i dis/like some situations more than others, but for the most part i'm just fine with where i am. when i was living with jordan i was pretty much okay with it...i didn't especially like it, but i could deal with it. the transition from school to work hasn't really been that strange for me...and such is the way i usually live my life.
  • i need a hobby.

  • 10-26-01 (23:55)

  • work was kinda lame today. sometimes i really like working there and sometimes i don't. the boss was being stupid and bitchy. johnny and i had a lot of fun despite her. martin (one of the manager types) was fun to work with.
  • got a call from tower records and they want another interview. ran into someone at work who works at tower and she said they were talking about me while she was at tower today.....see she comes by the theater sometimes and gives us free cds in exchange for free movies...so i guess things look good for me getting another job. yay.
  • was singing polythene pam (from abbey road) all night at work today, i think people started to get annoyed.
  • if i owned a theater i'd show better movies, movies with cheaper print prices, i'd play good music in the lobby and before the movies, i'd have a better kitchen area, i wouldn't abuse my workers, i'd pay above minimum wage and advertise that fact out front, charge more reasonable prices for food, and go bankrupt rather quickly - but it would be fun.

  • 10-26-01 (03:02)

  • updated movies list. watched 3 movies tonight. there was an employee screening of 13 ghosts and before that i watched riding boys and girls and cars with melanie. finally watched my memento dvd as well. "i can't remember to forget her" was one of the great lines in the movie. the interview doesn't go very deep into the philosophy the movie touches on, but i find that interviews with directors hardly ever get very deep. maybe because they think people aren't interested in it. i know that in the fight club dvd ed norton mentions nietzsche about 50 times, but then again he's cooler than most people out there. fyi: memento is #9 on the imdb top 250.
  • tomorrow i work from 6 to close.
  • i wish there were more 30 minute films which came out so they could package 3 or 4 of them in one admission price. it would make the 7-9 bucks more worth it. there are plenty of good 20-40 minute films out there and if there were theaters showing them then more would be made. even most independent film theaters only show shorts once in a while when they have a "film festival" or something of the sorts.
  • all sorts of anthrax scares going on around the country...this is a sad place to live in right now and i'm lucky i have distractions at this point in my life.
  • i should sleep..
  • 10-25-01 (17:05)
  • just yesterday i was talking to melanie about how this war is only a war as much as the war on drugs is a war. http://www.mnftiu.cc/mnftiu.cc/war.html
  • johnny is working all day. melanie has other things to do. might end up watching the new drew barrymore movie tonight. oh well.
  • i slept too much. i should do something productive.
  • i'm mostly a lazy person. that's something many people may not know about me, but it's true.
  • looked at my map of the us today and found it really amazing that i've been to all of the 48 conterminous states. it's a big country.

  • 10-25-01 (02:40)

  • updated movies list.
  • send email to my aptpupil.org address from now on.
  • my printer is dead. i'm going to break it with a hammer to finish it off.
  • seems like buy.com is a good place to buy dvds.
  • the first album on the beatles white album double lp is much better.
  • it might rain in the next few days.
  • johnny might be sick.
  • johnny and i went to woodland, hung around his house a lot, played magic (a geeky card game), and later watched a movie.
  • i have tomorrow off again. friday i work.
  • my back hurt more than usual today.
  • it's almost 4am now.
  • bought another pair of black work pants today.
  • need to take the escort in to be tuned up and get the front end suspension fixed, then i need to put it up for sale.
  • awards for the summer theater movies.

  • 10-23-01 (02:01)

  • had some fun last night with scott, vern and johnny. vern thinks we're criminals.
  • thinking that i know everything because i know that it's impossible to know anything is just as dangerous (if not more so) than thinking that i know everything because i'm educated. if you catch my drift.
  • one of my bosses at work had a really classic day...he was talking about paying people a quarter over minimum wage and how it's not a lot to us, but it means so much to them when it comes time for payroll. i think my coworkers started to feel sorry for theater; what a crock. i want to form a union. he also kept telling me how much he liked me - not for my charming personality or my reputedly large penis, but for the fact that i can work during the day and am reliable. he's probably a better boss than most minimum wage workers have. the thing that sucks the most about working there is usually you only get noticed when you do something wrong, but that's not true with all management.
  • today is a sad day...i got the beatles white album and it marked their move ahead of nirvana and the beastie boys. all that stops them from complete domination of my cd case is led zeppelin.
  • updated cdlist.
  • updated moviesiown list.

  • 10-22-01 (01:55)

  • updated movies list.
  • saw the last couple innings of the yankee game tonight, that was exciting. the yankees are proving that they're the champions until someone beats them in the postseason. great teams can turn on the switch like they've done so far this october. out of the remaining teams i have no real preference.
  • after work tomorrow i don't have any work until at least friday.
  • melanie's parents are giving her their old car so i might end up selling the escort.
  • i want to make a comical film documenting working at the theater. there are so many things one could make fun of - whether it be the fact that we wash the counters every 5 minutes in order to look busy or the fact that management is so anal at one point, yet doesn't take the time to properly train new comers. after working there for literally 5 days i was in charge of training johnny. after that i was responsible for training ivonne. and yet, just today, i found out that we're supposed to put popcorn kernels in the popper prior to the oil because if the popper is too hot the oil will explode in flames...i thought that was kinda important information. i guess it just slipped management's minds to tell us about that. it's a really funny place to work when you look at it in the right way and i think it would be fun to capture that point of view on film.

  • 10-21-01 (18:19)

  • the newest orbital album is really good.
  • yesterday was a good day. scott saw a movie at the theater and so i got to talk with him. after work johnny, vern, a couple people from work, melanie and i went for a night hike at lake berryessa. it was around 4am when we got back, but it was worth it.
  • might go out for sushi later this week with johnny and a girl from work. if melanie can come it'll be her first time having sushi. since it's all you can eat for under ten bucks it's as good a time as any to be introduced to it.
  • think i'll call scott and vern and see if they wanted to go to dinner. scott is leaving davis on friday so it'll be a farewell dinner of sorts...he's going to a police academy down in southern california.
  • the thing above should finally work, i ended up getting a different script from a different webpage because the one that johnny uses wasn't working for me. at any rate, it should work now and you can email me from there too. my new url will be: http://www.aptpupil.org and my new email address (though you can use the armory.com one still) is chris@aptpupil.org.
  • got paid today so that helps a bit. i applied at long's drugs so i might end up picking up some hours there if all goes well.
  • kings beat the lakers last night.
  • looks like jordan hasn't lost much of his shooting edge. that guy is amazing.
  • i forgot today was sunday (football day). working on sunday is better than not working on sunday because sundays are traditionally lame.
  • while i was on break today i sat in the lobby and talked to some kid who was waiting for his mom to come out of another movie. he goes to junior high in davis and skateboards. we talked about working at the theater, skateboarding, running, movies, september 11th, and living in davis. kids are better than adults.

  • 10-20-01 (17:30)

  • things aren't working yet, in a day or so i should have the stuff above online and working. going to work soon.

  • 10-20-01 (02:47)

  • updated movies list.
  • played risk today. we actually played thinking that the rules were one way when they weren't really so we're going to start a new game another day - this time knowing the rules for real.
  • pretty soon i'll have a real website set up. when it's up it'll be http://www.aptpupil.org.
  • pretty soon the archives stuff above will work. just got it working and all the links should work. thanks johnny.
  • maybe i get paid tomorrow.
  • today was long.

  • 10-19-01 (02:55)

  • updated movies list.
  • got memento on dvd today.
  • got a haircut.
  • life is so fun.

  • 10-18-01 (03:34)

  • hung out with johnny most of the day. we went all around davis just walking and playing frisbee golf by trying to hit signposts and the like along the way. johnny hit one bike and one guy walking on the sidewalk, i didn't hit anyone, but got close. i think johnny would have won if we were keeping score. it was fun.
  • played boggle with melanie tonight. we played 6 games and went 3-3. the sum of the scores was 115-114...pretty durn close. it was fun.
  • have work later today. the reason my work schedule is confusing is because there's no logic to it. i work thursday through monday.
  • listened to both cds on the newest orbital album...it's a lot different, but really good. they even used a tool sample. at first i couldn't place it, but with time i remembered.
  • got risk, the board game, in the mail today. hopefully i'll learn how to play it soon because it looks fun.
  • watched an hour long program on the history channel about the building of the world trade center buildings. it was made prior to sept. 11th and i'm glad they showed it.
  • michael moore is funny and wise. i've been kinda reading his book along with another book by my bed but the going is slow.
  • i knew the yankees would beat the a's. that's not to say that i'm glad they did, i have mixed feelings, but the yankees are champs and it's the postseason and they have more motivation than any other city in the world.
  • going to see bill maher filming p.i. on nov. 2nd. that'll be cool.
  • while i was walking around davis with johnny we went to the geology building and looked at the map of the us they have there. it's a pretty good map considering it's simplicity (it didn't have a legend and it was black and white).
  • gotta sleep. i really look forward to sleeping lately.
  • 10-17-01 (12:44)
  • no work today.
  • updated movies list.
  • going to hang out with johnny and play some frisbee golf or something like that.
  • johnny is quitting the theater and i'm going to start looking for another job to supplement my work there - i don't get enough hours.
  • got traffic on dvd yesterday.
  • seen 77 bucks worth of free movies so far.
  • haven't had a chance to really listen to the new orbital album yet. next week i have three days in a row to myself so i can get stuff done.
  • get paid friday, might be able to take the car in to get things checked out.

  • 10-15-01 (21:41)

  • updated movies list. iron monkey was a lot better than the advertising suggests. the final fight scene was amazing.
  • today was mostly boring. i'm going to eat.

  • 10-15-01 (17:00)

  • going to see corky romano today.
  • johnny is at josh's, vern is a movie nazi, phil is shopping, and melanie is at work so i'll be going alone.
  • bought some cds today. updated cdlist.
  • woke up to a dog barking incessantly. finally i got out of bed and yelled "shut up." it did so for a couple minutes and then returned to barking. ate leftover pizza, watched $100,000 pyramid and went to the bank. also went to the bike store and looked at some of the new stuff they had in. when i'm rich i'll convert my bike's handlebars to mountain bike style ones so that i'll have a more upright posture while riding.
  • finally got a pg&e bill the other day. called the phone company and got things squared away with them. also called uc davis and made sure to get my transcript sent asap (they didn't even have the order on their computers).
  • while i was flipping through channels i saw some guy on hgtv talking about davis california and it being a good little town where he went to college and got started on his architecture career. i missed what he said before, but i think that they had a little feature centered on davis, because the next half of the show centered on cooperstown. as part of the segue they said something to the effect of "like davis, cooperstown has a small town feel...." would have liked to see the first half of the show.

  • 10-13-01 (17:52)

  • worked from 10-2 today.
  • updated movies list.
  • going to get the archives working one of these days.
  • i think the yankees will win tomorrow.
  • might watch a movie tonight.
  • pretty tired since i didn't get much sleep last night and i stood for 7 straight hours.
  • vaughn, from work, says he would want to go hiking if johnny and i ever end up going to lassen so that could be cool.

  • 10-12-01 (03:33)

  • updated movies list.
  • work tomorrow from noon to 6pm. corky romano and iron monkey come out in my theater so there shouldn't be any sort of rush for those.
  • finally changed the oil today. also washed the car and filled it up with gas. i think i'll need to have the cb boots replaced whenever i take it in.
  • think i get paid tomorrow, but maybe it's next week.
  • found doom 2 on morpheus yesterday.
  • haven't gotten a phone bill since we've been here...same with pg&e. also haven't gotten my transcripts yet. wonder what the deal is.
  • bill hicks is funny.

  • 10-11-01 (18:06)

  • the worst news of the day is that nbc bought telemundo for 2 billion dollars.
  • the other bad news of the day was that a saudi prince tried to donate $10 million to nyc and we rejected it because he said that our foreign affairs were partly to blame for the attacks. a) he was right b) we should have taken the money no matter what he said.

  • 10-11-01 03:17

  • updated movies list.
  • added the archives in a more user friendly format above. if any of them don't work then let me know.
  • completely revamped the trip pages...put them in chronological order, touched up the pictures and fixed some dead links within them.
  • i can't believe that the same guy who wrote training day was the same guy who wrote the fast and the furious. training day was really well written and the fast and the furious was fun to laugh at it was so bad.
  • apparently there is a dogma film called joy ride so there are two entries for it on imdb.com.
  • i ordered the celebration on dvd today, i'll get it as soon as it comes out.
  • i didn't know that zoolander was a character ben stiller had created a long time ago and used on tv. learn something new everyday i suppose.
  • we held our movie awards of the summer today...the results are on the other computer, i'll post them sometime.
  • got rid of a few cds.
  • got rid of a lot of useless pages on my server.
  • added abbey road to my definitive albums list.
  • VERY LIKE A WHALE

    One thing that literature would be greatly the better for
    Would be a more restricted employment by authors of simile and
    metaphor.
    Authors of all races, be they Greeks, Romans, Teutons or Celts,
    Can’t seem just to say that anything is the thing it is but have to go
     out of their way to say that it is like something else.
    What does it mean when we are told
    That the Assyrian came down like a wolf on the fold?
    In the first place, George Gordon Byron had had enough
     experience
    To know that it probably wasn’t just one Assyrian, it was a lot of
     Assyrians.
    However, as too many arguments are apt to induce apoplexy and
     thus hinder longevity,
    We’ll let it pass as one Assyrian for the sake of brevity.
    Now then, this particular Assyrian, the one whose cohorts were
     gleaming in purple and gold,
    Just what does the poet mean when he says he came down like a
     wolf on the fold?
    In heaven and earth more than is dreamed of in our philosophy
     there are a great many things.
    But I don’t imagine that among them there is a wolf with purple
     and gold cohorts or purple and gold anythings.
    No, no, Lord Byron, before I’ll believe that this Assyrian was
     actually like a wolf I must have some kind of proof;
    Did he run on all fours and did he have a hairy tail and a big red
     mouth and big white teeth and did he say Woof woof?
    Frankly I think it very unlikely, and all you were entitled to say, at
     the very most,
    Was that the Assyrian cohorts came down like a lot of Assyrian
     cohorts about to destroy the Hebrew host.
    But that wasn’t fancy enough for Lord Byron, oh dear me no, he had
     to invent a lot of figures of speech and then interpolate them.
    With the result that whenever you mention Old Testament soldiers
     to people they say Oh yes, they’re the ones that a lot of wolves
     dressed up in gold and purple ate them.
    That’s the kind of thing that’s being done all the time by poets,
     from Homer to Tennyson;
    They’re always comparing ladies to lilies and veal to venison.
    And they always say things like that the snow is a white blanket after
     a winter storm.
    Oh it is, is it, all right then you sleep under a six-inch blanket of
     snow and I’ll sleep under a half-inch blanket of unpoetical
     blanket material and we’ll see which one keeps warm.
    And after that maybe you’ll begin to comprehend dimly
    What I mean by too much metaphor and simile.
            [1935] Ogden Nash 1902-1971

    10-9-01 02:15

  • updated movies list.
  • went to sacramento and met up with my grandmother today. dinner was good.
  • have work tomorrow, but not wed or thurs.
  • got a free sega dreamcast by beating johnny's brother (luke) at a game of football. luke is a good guy despite being mean sometimes.
  • worked with johnny sat and sun, he makes the nights pass more quickly.
  • been too apathetic to care about foreign affarts.

  • 10-5-01 19:21

  • worked from 12-6 today. went to sleep last night around 6:30am because i thought that i didn't work until 6pm tonight.
  • got my first issue of the nation today.
  • updated movies list.

  • 10-3-01 14:27

  • "Any man who carries a hyphen about with him, carries a dagger that he is ready to plunge into the vitals of this Republic whenever he gets ready." -President Wilson. what a bastard.

  • 10-3-01 04:26
  • updated movies list.
  • updated archives.
  • updated cdlist.
  • updated poll.
  • had 5 more hours of work today. time passes by more quickly now that i've gotten a bit more accustomed to the new surroundings, tasks, people, etc.
  • don't work tomorrow (today).
  • ran some errands and went to work, that was my day.
  • i'm really eager to see "training day." getting free theater movies will be a definite perk of this job.
  • my boss has a VW bug and she parked it out front and came inside. as she was walking towards the office i asked her if it was a 1974 and she yes. i guessed correctly and she wasn't at all impressed. it was a lucky guess, but she didn't know that. what i'm trying to say here is that impressing her might not be something i should commit my life's work towards.
  • johnny got the job at the movie theater, they're going to call him tomorrow to tell him. wonder if he'll take it.
  • when i'm bored i should do something productive.
  • still waiting to get my transcript from davis.
  • saturday i have the cbest and 6 hours of work. what a day.
  • got terminator on dvd yesterday.
  • there was a good panel discussing the wtc incident on the history channel last night. the professor of american history at columbia was my favorite.
  • seen parts of glitter while working...boy oh boy does that look like a retarded movie. then again you could probably gather all that by yourself

  • 9-30-01 03:35

  • just watched snl and a thing on the history channel about the last hundred years of terrorism. it was quite good. snl was about average.
  • had my first night at work today. my back hurts from standing all day. the people are nice, the manager is kinda curt and might tend towards the bitch side of the street. notice i separate the manager from the collective people...that's because i get the impression the manager feels she ought to be separate from us. my first day at a real job (meaning one not acquired through nepotism or school) and i didn't really like it. however, it was a good experience. i'm getting to see how real people live their lives every day of the work week. i thought about quitting and i thought about how great it was that i had that option.
  • american job is a good movie. glitter appears not to be. funny how the former never saw the dim light of the theater and the latter is advertised on every major network. lame.
  • i still go back and forth between taking the job at the pizza place and not taking it. earlier today i was thinking no way in hell, then i was thinking about the economics of it and thinking that i had to. still haven't decided. if i do, it'll be on a whim; one i may end up regretting.
  • i'm glad 'regretting' has two "t"s in it...that's the way it should be.
  • received some new cds in the mail, have yet to update the cdlist. have yet to listen to them.
  • we got cable yesterday....that's how i was able to see the show on the history channel. earlier today we watched a show on the intercontinental railroad. the history channel and the learning channel are great. naturally espn, comedy central, and clear network stations are also appreciated.
  • still need to change the oil.
  • still awaiting my transcripts so that i may copy them and send them over to csus and get things looked at.
  • october sixth is the cbest, this time i shouldn't forget.
  • both my mom and my grandmother are coming up in october.
  • i should visit my aunt and new cousin in oakland sometime. sometime after i change the oil.
  • saw vern today. johnny was back in santa cruz.
  • if anyone wants fargo on vhs they can have it. i have the dvd now so it's worthless to me. watching dvds on a 13" tv is funny.
  • i guess it's bedtime.

  • 9-28-01 22:07

  • updated movies list.
  • i think we're missing a good opportunity to better our infrastructure domestically and take a long hard look at our foreign policy. we haven't responded nearly well enough, if at all, to the fact that thousands of people are out of jobs because of this. we need a better safety net and a more proactive government. other than that i think bush has done a pretty good job lately. he made a clear distinction between people of islam and terrorists, that is good.
  • been playing a lot of warcraft II lately.
  • first day of work tomorrow.
  • got offered a job at jamba juice and told them no thanks.
  • updated the poll.

  • 9-27-01 02:48

  • updated movies list.
  • it appears as though i've officially lost my ucdavis email account.

  • 9-26-01 12:11

  • got offered the job at the movie theater...around 23 hours a week so i took it. it's enough to pay for rent and food, but small enough of a commitment to not crowd my schedule if i choose to take up something else.
  • melanie might get a job at the co-op.
  • a guy from my high school track team made it to the nfl and returned a kick off for a touchdown the other day. he ran the hurdles and was a pretty nice guy all things considered. definitely the kind of person who was close to getting mixed up in the wrong crowd, but i think athletics, and his dad, kept him straight. he would always take his time in the hurdles, but alwaysended up winning. it would frustrate people so much because he wouldn't try until the very end. by the time he got to the state finals he had learned how to run better and ended up placing pretty well.

  • 9-25-01 01:43

  • papa murphy's wants to hire me. the interview at the theater went well, might get offered a job there.
  • not having to worry about getting a job is nice, but i still might look into a few more options.
  • i think i'd take either job. it's funny how people tell you to pick up the trash in the backyard and mow the lawn when you're young, but then you graduate college and all of a sudden you're above that. when you're young that kind of work builds character, when you're older it's demeaning. i don't fully understand it. i've got no problem with working at places that pay only minimum wage. everyone i know is really anxious to have more responsibility to people other than themselves...i'd like to postpone that for a bit.
  • sold my camera online so that's out of the way.
  • did a lot of shopping today - moving in type stuff as well as food.
  • updated movies list.

  • 9-23-01 15:16

  • went to a group interview at jamba juice - retarded. "if you were any body of water what would you be?" walden pond, i said. "huh?"... "if you were any animal what would you be?" a moose. "oh."... "if you were any power tool what would you be?" ...really dumb questions and i've decided i don't want to work there.
  • been pretty bored lately.
  • updated movies list.
  • 49ers are losing. shucks.

  • 9-20-01 17:55

  • there is news now that people made bets that the stock of four key companies - american, united, morgan stanley, and another, would drop - before the attack happened. this also happened to such a great magnitude as to indicate that these people must have known about the attacks in advance. i didn't know that there was anything in the stock exchange that allowed people to essentially bet on the performance of a certain stock. according to the report the people who did 'bet' on the stocks would have made over 4 million dollars on just the two airline companies. i guess authorities are trying to follow the trail of money, but that is proving difficult.

  • 9-20-01 14:38

  • i'm very satisfied with the two maps i purchased. the world map has two inset maps which map population density and vegetation/land use. it's also not a retangular map so it's more true to size - e.g. greenland doesn't appear to be as big as it does when it is distorted in the flatening process. maps are good, i only wish i had gotten them long ago.
  • went to border's and had an interview there. i don't want to shelve things all day long so i probably won't work there even if i get offered the job.
  • still downloading all the pictures from the trip....this is taking quite a while.
  • need to change the oil sometime soon. miles is a good car.
  • melanie comes to davis tomorrow. johnny leaves davis tomorrow.
  • nothing on the agenda for the rest of the day.
  • it's about 90 outside.

  •  

     

    9-20-01 00:50

  • i want to see the new denzel washington movie.
  • big trouble is being delayed because it has a scene wherein a plane is hijacked - lame.
  • my new email address works. aptpupil@armory.com thanks to johnny for telling me about them.
  • updated movies list. watched american movie for the third time this year, wow.

  •  

     

    9-19-01 22:18

  • some people are saying some really retarded things about the world trade center bombing. we're going to war with a country which may or may not have anything to do with the support of terrorism, many of us are singling out people based upon looks, many of us are paralized with fear, and some of us are overcome by rage. the whole revenge/war on terrorism thing is wasted energy in my opinion. i think the billions of dollars we are going to waste on sending thousands of people across the globe to kill innocent people and make them more angry with us could be better spent.
  • we live in a society where the economy is way too important and that shows not only in the attitudes people have and the decisions people make everyday, but in the fact that we are suffering so much because of what is happening with the airlines and the stock market. i wish our economy was based upon art, culture, philanthropy, or something else more meaningful than money.
  • "all we are saying, is give peace a chance."
  • it's nice to have my old keyboard back. i like my monitor.
  • saw jon and monique walking to downtown today. i shall visit them shortly.
  • called phil last night - no answer. i wonder where he lives.
  • cooked in my new wok tonight, it woked pretty well.
  • fiddled with a bunch of old pictures - mostly those from the two trips (hitchhiking and the more recent one) - i think that i made some good changes to them. they look more lively now that the levels have been adjusted. i added contrast and brightness to many of the black and white pics from the hitchhiking trip and they also look better. it gave me an excuse to look over all the pictures from the trips and killed some time in the process.
  • found a number for the education office at sac state; i'll call them tomorrow and get the info on all that.
  • think i'm going to watch a movie

  • 9-19-01 21:00
  • locked myself out of the apartment today. the bedroom window was unlocked, but had a stick in it to prevent people from opening it all the way so i opened it as much as i could and then used a stick to lift the stick preventing the window from opening. i got lucky.
  • setting up another email account, hopefully it'll be online by tomorrow. we shall see.

  • 9-19-01 10:35

  • went to togo's and had an interview there this morning. hope to be a sandwich architect soon.
  • got a call from border's this morning.
  • johnny is going to berkeley today, decided not to tag along.
  • in the process of uploading all my documents and pictures from the trip so that i can get them on the other computer. that's a pain.
  • talked to george the manager of the apartments this morning; he's nice.
  • johnny is having major computer problems.
  • i only have a few more things to move from the floor to their new home and i'll be completely moved in.
  • johnny talked to some girl at the gap today - he says he's practicing.
  • my back feels better today than it did yesterday.
  • tried watching a movie last night, but i fell asleep.

  • 9-18-01 18:05

  • the pictures of the wtc buildings should be up now that i uploaded them (9-11 update).
  • updated movies list.
  • listening to the radio right now...i have the dvd player and the entertainment center all hooked up...4 speakers, dozens of watts of power, and a 13" tv. it's comical.
  • hopefully melanie doesn't kick me out for putting my posters up already.
  • went to several area stores and submitted applications with johnny today. had an interview with a lady at ace hardware and that went okay. don't think i'll get the job though since i don't have any cashier or framing experience and those are the only two positions they currently require.
  • we went to dairy queen and gave the guy our apps. he looked them over and told us that there was only one spot open. he must have thought we were retarded since we are both college grads looking for a fast food job.
  • most of my room is in order - just have a lot of small stuff to get sorted out.
  • hurt my back the other day while moving; that sucked. it still hurts, but it's getting back to its normal level of hurt. i've come to grips with the fact that my back will hurt for the rest of my life. oh shucks.
  • i have lots of bills to pay.
  • got rid of some cds today in an attempt to thin my cd collection. i doubt anyone will want any of the stuff so i may just take it into tower and ask for 2 bucks for the lot of 8 cds.
  • now that i have a world map and a usa map i'm going to try and get grommets in each of the corners so as to protect from excess wear from hanging them on the wall. i shall call kinko's.
  • mostly been hanging out with johnny and vern lately. moving in and getting a job are the other things i've been up to.
  • selling my digital camera and an extra hard drive on ebay so that i may be able to pay upcoming bills.
  • i think the yankees will either do really well or really badly. i'm leaning towards another world series for them. this isn't to say that i love them or anything, i just think they're going to do it.
  • thecounter.com charges money nowadays so i don't think i'll have a counter anymore.

  • 9-16-01 01:37

  • slowly moving my shit back into the apartment. i say shit purposely - i have a lot of stuff which should just be dumped or given away.
  • it's late. last night i stayed up until 430 talking to vern and johnny.
  • mostly hung out with johnny and vern today. johnny's brother and his troop came up from santa cruz as well. we watched a movie, played ultimate frisbee, and hung out. i'm out of shape.
  • moved in a good amount of stuff today. i think that i'll be able to get just about everything from storage to the apartment using just johnny's camry and my escort. might have to ditch my bookcase, but i think that there won't be space enough for it in the apartment anyway.
  • got my first ny times today...i didn't expect it to start coming until next weekend so it was a pleasant surprise.
  • went shopping for food so now i have a reason to turn on the frig.
  • there were plans in the works for johnny and i to goto lassen national park for a couple days since both of us are unemployed and have nothing better to do. ended up deciding that we're not going though.
  • on monday i should goto the library and talk to the old boss and hit her up for some employment. doubt that'll happen.
  • talked to my neighbor today for longer than i had talked to any of the neighbors at the old apartment (except marina and gina who were actually across the complex and upstairs).
  • i'm tired.
  • the apartment is a mess. my life is a mess.
  • updated movies list.
  • updated cdlist.

  • 9-12-01 12:53

  • going to my dad's today.
  • hope to see session 9, heard it's a good movie.
  • i'm hungry.
  • they've shut down everything below 14th street - that's from greenwich villiage on down to the tip of lower manhattan - that's a really big area and includes Ray's Pizza where we ate while we were in greenwich villiage.
  • there's been too much misinformation so i'm not going to watch anymore.
  • i don't like rumsfeld, he seems slightly retarded. the fbi director and colin powell, on the other hand, seemed pretty sharp...meaning they were at least well prepared.

  • 9-12-01 00:21

  • blair and castro for president.
  • as expected the world economy is suffering from the attacks.
  • i've been watching tv for almost 17 hours straight. i did stop to fix up the house for my mom. the last time i watched anywhere near that much tv was during the olympics - vern and i were glued to the screen.
  • i honestly don't understand the situation back east. from what i understand both palestine and israel made mistakes at some point in the past and both have reason to be upset. why we've sided with israel i don't know.
  • i've got some new pictures from the trip below

  • 9-11-01 6:54

  • just last night while i was falling asleep i was thinking about how amazing earthquakes and other such disasters are. it really boggles the mind thinking about how people come together...the media, public services, neighbors, etc. when there is such an event. one of my fond memories was of the northridge earthquake and all the recuperation which followed.
  • also last night i was thinking about the last report of palestinians who died in the middle east. i was thinking about a compelling article called "give war a chance" - it outlines an argument for allowing two parties in certain situations to fight things out in order to relieve the pressure which has built up. in certain situations it's an argument which is actually pretty convincing, but i don't know if it would work with the situation back east because of the magnitude of the problems over there. in a situation like that i think it would lead only to years and years of war.
  • everyone knows how simple it is for terrorist attacks to happen and this morning it has become even more plainly obvious.
  • i just saw one of the towers collapse...at least the top half. i'm pretty glad i was able to see it before this happened. on a more serious note - we're talking easily thousands of deaths and it is doubtless for no good reason.
  • they're saying that some palestinian group is claiming responsibility.
  • we've got a complete moron in the white house and now this happens. one good thing is that there will be a rally around the flag phenomenon and even people who don't really trust bush's judgment will come together over this.
  • surely there will be talk about the "arrogance" of america and so on and so forth. obviously that holds some merit, at the same time something like this should never happen.
  • the tower with the tv antenna also most likely houses all sorts of other communications relays, etc.
  • it's amazing how much more dangerous believing in something can be than believing in nothing.
  • 7:40
  • both towers have collapsed.
  • a large plane crash in PA...a 767.
  • a plane crash in DC.
  • right now i have two major feelings...awe and a need to do something.
  • bush's first really big test here. a bigger test than most presidents ever face.
  • century city towers (the one's which were blown up in the movie "fight club) are now being evacuated.
  • the only person i'd like to see as president even less than bush is cheney, so i really hope we protect bush.
  • 9:01
  • they have video of palestinians rejoicing "god is good" because of what has happened here. if the video is accurate and not just some propaganda then this makes me really sad. how anyone could ever rejoice the death of thousands of people - american, palestinian, or otherwise - is beyond me.
  • this'll make us stronger as a nation.
  • i hope we don't do anything stupid like retaliate against someone just for the sake of action...what next is (sadly) up to bush and his cohorts. at times like this i really wish fdr was president. i truly feel that he was the best leader of the presidents (except maybe washington).
  • 9:33
  • uss cole, ok city, trade center, embassy bombings, trade center part 2, pentagon. we've actually been under quite a bit of attack once you look back to the last 7 or so years.
  • the frailty of our world becomes exceedingly clear in times like this.
  • 10:51
  • 9-11 will go down in history. 911
  • reports about gas prices rising in CA are going around.
  • i wonder if (when) the west wing, ER, and other shows will capitalize on this tragedy.
  • tony blair has got our back.
  • i'm more worried about chemical and biological weapons than i am about explosives and the like. a relatively small amount of anthrax would wipe out DC before we'd be able to respond....and that's only anthrax.
  • 16:10
  • i worry for people of middle eastern descent right now.
  • phone in davis is now online. i'm leaving on the 15th.
  • i wonder how the daily show, and other comedy programs, are going to treat today's events.
  • i wonder how long it's going to take for people to start selling pieces of the world trade center on ebay.
  • 17:40
  • i give bush's speech tonight a B.
  • despite the propaganda (the beacon of freedom, etc.) i thought it addressed the important points - recovery, mourning, retaliation, and the economy.
  • it's really insane to think that the two most impressive buildings i've ever seen are now gone. more crazy to think about than that, is that i just saw them there about a month ago.
  • hardship has proven to be really good for democracies. in fact there are theories which posit that democracy depends upon hardship in order to thrive. they say that it's a time when action is taken - significant because democracy is usually characterized by inaction. the great depression and the new deal which followed is perhaps the best example of this....of course it was followed by what many political scientists call the most affluent time (50s) our nation has ever seen. it's their theory, not mine.
  • fox seems to have the best camera footage that i've seen.
  • interesting to see that vh-1, mtv, and cbs all have the same coverage. it's a good way to see who owns whom. BET is even broadcasting cbs news. maybe they just have some kind of partnership.
  • i wouldn't doubt if there were bookies entertaining bets on the death toll.
  • think i'll give blood when i get to davis.
  • i was pleasantly surprised to not hear anything about rioting or looting.
  • hearing reports about the car bomb in dc was more scary than the planes because it would have meant a multi pronged attack...as it turns out they only used planes as weapons - that was relieving.
  • it's really surreal to me because last night i was thinking about how great humanity can be in times of stress. i was looking back at the northridge quake, but the response has been very similar....people donating blood, doctors offering their services, the american red cross mobilizing, sports complexes and schools turned into shelters and hospitals, etc.
  • 21:23
  • i wonder if bush's daddy engineered this scheme in an attempt to peg blame on iraq and thus have his son finish what he left undone after the gulf war.
  • peter jennings is kinda pushy with this producers.
  • i think i'll dig up my "terrorism in america" book when i get to davis.
  • bin laden has already been convicted by the press and the masses. that's sad.
  • what would happen if rich terrorists would buy billions of dollars worth of bonds over the course of years and then cash them all in at a time like this?
  • i think that the fed should persuade big money movers like a ted turner or a bill gates to buy more stock in an attempt to solidify the strength of the market. naturally that would be illegal.

  • pictures from the trip...


    9-10-01 21:43
  • i like green day, but the worst thing they did was pave the way for blink 182 and similar such posers.
  • saw this show on E! about freakshows...it had a special section on street performers and long story short it featured the "bushman" who scares the hell out of pedestrians in san francisco. he was interviewed and told the camera about times when people pulled weapons on him for scaring them. that's pretty lame.
  • there was a 4.2 earthquake the other day. big deal.
  • watched part of great escape and young frankenstein today. good flicks.
  • forgot to call the phone company and get that straightened out. should do that tomorrow.
  • going to do some prep work on the house for my mom tomorrow. chip off some paint, fill in some holes and the like and pick up some gas money. that'll help and it'll give me something to do tomorrow. there are advantages of having worked as a painter for a summer...being comfortable on a ladder is just one of them.
  • need to pay my car insurance bill...it's actually cheaper than anyone else i know despite having two cars on the policy and being a 22 year old male. guess i got lucky somehow. if it was much more i'd need a job pronto.



  • 9-9-01 13:40
  • went to the griffith park observatory for the first time on friday. had some of the run of the mill exhibits for a like museum...stuff about mars, the jovian moons, etc. watched a 3D laser light show which accompanied music by the likes of U2, radiohead, green day, seal, the cranberries, and more. some of it was really different, some of it was silly, some of it was just there.
  • went to my grandparents' place last night and had mashed potatoes and turkey. naturally, that was tasty. the peach and apple/blueberry pies were also exceptional.
  • offered to tear up my mom's front yard for a small compensation...not sure whether that is going to happen or not. she wants to redo the sprinkler system and replant the grass.
  • bought a hydraulic jack and some jack stands along with a case of 5w-30 oil a couple days ago...been wanting to have a jack and some stands ever since i got the bug, but i never got around to buying them. now i have them so now i can change the oil and do other such maintenance activities with greater ease.
  • my clmiller email address is going to be terminated somewhere around september 20th. i'll have to get another email address.
  • melanie's birthday is coming soon.
  • i'm going to go back to davis on the 15th.
  • the car should get a check up...when i can afford it.
  • hopefully i get a job quickly. i've never been very good at job hunting.
  • i wanted to watch session 9 today because sundays are exceedingly boring around here, but the only place it's playing is in westwood villiage...that's a good distance away and i don't feel like doing much driving these days.
  • my grandmother had the 8-1-01 through 8-4-01 updates printed out so i'll be able to rewrite those and put them in the august archives where they belong.

  • 9-6-01 22:34

  • read over some of my previous updates and have come to the conclusion that i write at the level of a retarded 7th grader. not being in school will only worsen this situation.

  • 9-6-01 15:00

  • back to normal updates i suppose...
  • somehow i lost the updates from 8-1-01 through 8-4-01...if anyone has them somehow then you should send them to me. it's a longshot, but worth a try. i know that those updates include walden pond through the first part of new york.
  • updated movies list.

  • watching prefontaine right now....does a pretty good job of covering the facts of the olympics at the time...the basketball scandal, the hostage situation, etc. they also use real footage for some of the race scenes, which is the only way to do it.

    09/01-05
    August
    July
    6/20-30

    6-19-01

  • changed miles' oil.
  • leaving tomorrow or the next day. first stop will probably be the jelly belly factory. first place sleeping will be aunt nora's house in oakland...will stay there as long as we like.

  • melanie is excited and up until now i haven't had time, or been stress free enough, to be as excited...it's creeping up though.

    6-20-01 (20:27)

  • updated trip page.
  • updated movies list.

  • 6-19-01 (19:05)

  • first update in a while...first update on my notebook computer. trip webpage is currently in the works.
  • moved everything to storage...all except the bare essentials - cd player and computer.
  • keyboard on the notebook requires vertical depression....kinda picky.
  • changed the oil on miles...took the oil to kragen and recycled it.
  • i think that from now on i'm going to update the trip page solely...i'll have lots of pictures and such as soon as the trip begins...granted the digital camera works.
  • graduation was good overall...mostly boring, but i don't regret going.
  • phil is coming over tonight.
  • it took a lot to get this computer working...a whole lot.
  • most likely leaving tomorrow.
  • not much more to say...leaving tomorrow.

  • 6-16-01 (14:28)

  • my mom is in town. my grandmother is coming soon. my dad is on a train to san jose. my other grandmother will pick him up there.
  • things are getting hectic.
  • vern is leaving fairly soon.
  • i've got no money, but most of my bills for the next month are paid.
  • last day at work was yesterday and it was laid back and good. got my paycheck.
  • subleasing has been a big monetary help, but it's forcing me to leave a day earlier than i would have liked. it's a tradeoff i can handle.
  • haven't eaten anything all day.
  • helped vern move some stuff into my storage place.
  • going to move the last of my stuff in there on monday probably.
  • made copies of all my cds, that's good.
  • got a lot of stuff that's going to be in the car for the trip.
  • called my contacts across the country today and most of them weren't there. oh well. call them again tomorrow and then monday and then while i'm on the road.
  • storage is kind of expensive.
  • signed and turned in the lease today.
  • need to goto the bank.
  • need to eat.
  • seeing my mom and sister will be cool.
  • seeing my other grandmother for the first time in years will be cool. get to meet her new husband as well.
  • i can barely believe that my dad is coming.
  • it's going to be hot under the sun in my gown. i don't really have to wear a suit underneath though.
  • that's all for now.
  • should have a trip page up within ten days.

  • 6-14-01 (11:01)

  • i just finished the final essay of my undergraduate career. i'll be officially done when i print it out and return it.
  • the final word in my final essay was "come" and the title of the essay was "Longevity through Technique." it was about corporations thriving in the long term despite the changing face of economic relations.
  • i'm pretty happy about being done.

  • 6-14-01 (06:47)

  • just a few hours away from completion.
  • picked up my cap and gown yesterday.
  • played galaga while on campus and didn't do so well.
  • "There's some nervousness and I understand that, but it's beginning to be allayed when they hear the logic behind the rationale.'' -Bush
  • one weight lifted and another comes crashing down.
  • "The economic clout of the Top 200 (corporations) is particularly staggering compared to that of the poorest segment of the world’s humanity. The Top 200s’ combined sales are 18 times the size of the combined annual income of the 1.2 billion people (24 percent of the total world population) living in “severe” poverty (defined by the World Bank as those surviving on less than $1 per day)."

  • 6-13-01 (20:45)

  • one essay to do and i'll be done.
  • "Big on nicknames, Bush greeted recently re-elected British

  • Prime Minister Tony Blair (news - web sites) with a
    hearty, ``Hello, Landslide!''
    Acknowledging his boss' reputation abroad, White House
    Chief of Staff Andrew Card said: ``Every president is a
    caricature in Europe until his first trip. They don't know
    him yet. They will.''
    Bush and his wife, Laura, capped the day with a visit to a
    famed chocolate shop. Joking, the president told a harried
    candy clerk handling his order to ``keep it under 20,000
    calories.''
    It was not so sugary sweet in closed-door meetings at
    NATO. Even Bush acknowledged resistance to his missile
    defense idea: ``There's some nervousness and I
    understand that, but it's beginning to be allayed when they
    hear the logic behind the rationale.''"
  • Bush is simply the most retarded president ever...andrew jackson was illiterate, harding was known for not being the sharpest tool in the toolbox, reagan was just plain dumb, but bush is worse than them all. i'm throughly convinced of this.
  • fuck the lakers. we haven't had anyone step up to give us scoring when we have needed it...the lakers have. that's the difference in the series...not shaq, not kobe, but everyone except those nimrods.

  • 6-13-01 (08:37)

  • well, two finals down and two to go.
  • been making cds like a mad man - trying to get (almost) all my cds copied before the trip

  • 6-13-01 (05:20)

  • there's this guy who comes to the library on occasion and he looks a lot like jimmy fallon. one day i asked if anyone ever told him that he looked like jimmy fallon and he said that he got that a lot. after that when we saw each other on campus we'd give a friendly nod. today he came to the reserves desk and asked for a book. when i returned i said "when i was in high school i had a friend who told me i looked like scott bakula - the guy from quantuum leap..." to which he said "yea you kinda do." so i replied "well i never saw the resemblance, so it got really annoying when this guy would call me scott whenever he saw me....so i'm not going to go around calling you jimmy." to which he replied "ha ha. that's cool, i appreciate it. well, see you later scott." it was funny. jimmy is a funny guy.
  • just started this essay. today is going to be long. hopefully i can get home after the final take a nap, watch the sixers kill the lakers, write the last paper of my college career and be done with it all.

  • 6-13-01 (03:11)

  • the next twelve hours are really important...one paper to write one final to take.
  • a bunch of people seem to be talking about ehrenreich's new book.
  • took a two hour nap...need to wake up and start writing. then i need to study for the race relations final.
  • "I don't want to be hostile.
    I don't want to be dismal.
    But I don't want to rot in an apathetic existence either.
    See
    I want to believe you,
    and I want to trust
    and I want to have faith to put away the dagger.

    But you lie, cheat, and steal.
    And yet
    I tolerate you.
    Veil of virtue hung to hide your method
    while I smile and laugh and dance
    and sing your praise and glory.
    Shroud of virtue hung to mask your stigma
    as I smile and laugh and dance
    and sing your glory
    while you
    lie, cheat, and steal.
    How can I tolerate you.

    Our guilt,our blame ,
    I've been far too sympathetic.
    Our blood, our fault.
    I've been far too sympathetic.

    I am not innocent.
    You are not innocent.
    Noone is innocent.

    I will no longer tolerate you
    Even if I must go down beside you.
    Because,
    Noone is innocent."

    6-12-01 (11:21)

  • gotta go check the mail.
  • johnny leaves for field camp today.
  • updated movies list.
  • one final down. three to go. have a paper due tomorrow and an in class final. on thursday i have one paper due. then i'm done. done.
  • too bad that philly couldn't capitalize on shaq and fisher fouling out. horry came up big, but champions find a way to win. the next game is huge. truly a must win.
  • the first final was my geology final so it wasn't that bad.
  • i found someone to sublease the apartment while i'm gone. vern should give me a $700 blow job.
  • got lots to do.
  • i should eat and sleep.
  • played some basketball and got a pretty good rhythm going, then i stopped.

  • 6-10-01 (15:10)

  • have plenty of things to do this week.
  • updated movies list.
  • work went quickly. studied a bit for my geology final.
  • neck is a little sore since i slept not so well.
  • i think that philly is going to win, but it'll be very close. lakers should come out strong, philly should be able to hold them off.

  • 6-9-01 (01:26)

  • pretty long day today.
  • car didn't start today and the alarm started freaking out. i thought it was the alarm since it would go off even if i tried to turn on the hazard lights, but it ended up just being the battery so i got it jumped by one of the managers. annoying.
  • pretty hot out today.
  • ran a lot of errands. went to REI and saw jesus there. after seeing jordan just the yesterday it was pretty annoying to see his cohort in gayness the next day.
  • got pretty much everything i need for the trip so that was good. got a public storage space so i can start packing whenever i want. probably need to rent a truck sometime to get the big stuff over there.
  • the basketball game was good, but the outcome wasn't. i expected it, but would have liked to see philly steal it....they definitely had a chance at it, but they just missed too many free throws down the stretch. the great thing is that they didn't roll over after the lakers made their push. after two games i've gotta think that they're for real. shaq had some good defensive stands at a good time as well.
  • melanie's got work early tomorrow.
  • went to the hotdogger in downtown davis and had a chicago style hot dog. very very good.
  • hockey game should be good tomorrow. jersey is a better team, but i really think that colorado can pull it off...they're at home, roy is gold, and bourque wants it real bad after not getting a cup after playing for 22 years...should be a good game either way.
  • cut my hair today.
  • saw a great jack in the box commercial which completely railed on the tobacco industry. great stuff.
  • this series has turned out to be really really fun to look forward to. if philly wins it i'll remember this time of year even more fondly.
  • melanie is going to be on tv on the 14th.
  • bought a hatchet, propane, and some rope while i was at the army surplus store. melanie got a hammock for us. i plan on doing a lot of nothing this summer. doing nothing is cheap and fun as long as it's away from home.
  • went to the post office and got them to forward my mail for the summer. it's too bad they can hold it for only 30 days because i'd rather do that, but i understand why they put a limit on it.
  • the lady at the public storage place was really nice...she's a grandma type.
  • speaking of which...i do believe it's my wonderful grandmother's 50th birthday today. well maybe not 50, but somewhere around there. she's pretty durn cool, especially for a decrepit old woman. she's even cooler for taking something like that the right way.
  • bought some blank cds today.

  • 6-7-01 (22:57)

  • college classes are done.
  • good thing i didn't skip my second class because i had a debate in which i was supposed to be a key member...forgot about that until about 2 minutes before class started. had to wing it, but it went well enough that our side won despite fighting for a losing cause.
  • running a bunch of errands tomorrow.
  • went to look at one apartment today, he'll get back to us tomorrow. old grandpa type landlord so that's cool. would be on the second floor and they like it on the quiet side so those are the drawbacks (as well as the location - i street and fifth).
  • got a propane stove while i was in la. cheap, but it'll work...it was on sale and was the generic kind...had i gotten the coleman type not on sale it would have gone for about twice as much.
  • fuck the lakers in the booty.
  • updated movies list.
  • should be interesting to see the next philly/lakers game to see how each team responds to their respective challenge...for the lakers it would be stepping it up and protecting their home court. for philly it would be proving that they're for real and didn't just capitalize on their own momentum and the lakers' lack thereof.

  • 6-7-01 (01:07)

  • tonight i watched one of the best basketball games in a long time.
  • there's talk that mckie broke his ankle...that would be a huge loss to philly.
  • philly is definitely the toughest team in the playoffs this year and it seems that toughness goes a long way.
  • one could say that geiger stepping up and iverson's amazing first half won't be repeated and that kobe just had a bad day (15pts), but on the flip side mutombo had foul trouble, rick fox had a much better than usual game and so did lue so i think it all evens out...that is to say that philly seems to be for real and as long as mckey's ankle isn't really broken (they say he's going to play in game two!) and if george lynch is able to come back in game four, i think that philly could make this into more of a series.
  • iverson, larry brown, and the rest really earned my respect with gutsy blue collar play. if they were going to steal a game it was most likely going to be this one (since the lakers haven't played a game in 9 days and are likely a bit out of shape/rusty/cocky...) so for at least one game iverson proved he's the true mvp...he scored 7 huge points in overtime, whereas shaq got only 3 and missed one of his free throws (not to count the numerous ones he missed in the fourth quarter). of shaq's 20 rebounds, only one game in the overtime period. stat of the game: philly from the free throw line: 23-25 (92%)... lakers from the free throw line: 15-27 (56%)...shaq missed all of those 12 missed free throws for the lakers.
  • i still think the lakers are going to win the series (unfortunately), but at least it'll be more of a challenge.
  • going to see about getting an apartment tomorrow, finally.
  • two more classes in my college career. maybe i'll just skip them.
  • have lots to do tomorrow and the next week or so.
  • updated movies list.
  • haven't been able to upload page or send email today.

  • 6-5-01 (16:46)

  • if you want a postcard while i'm on the road give me your summer address, here.
  • about to make some potatoes for lunch.
  • 12 more days.
  • rice is officially a 49er.
  • napster is going to start charging people.
  • the avs have their back against the wall.
  • don't forget to care.
  • everyone's got stickers that say "free palestine" or "free tibet" or "free kuwait"...i want one that says "free the U.S." as in from consumerism, greed, drunkenness...the point being that no country is really free even the ones that claim to be.
  • work in 30 minutes.
  • two more days of class in my undergraduate career.
  • i've lots of new cds to get acquainted with.
  • lots of shit has been going on in my life lately.

  • 6-4-01 (23:21)

  • updated cdlist. 535 now.
  • in the process of cleaning up my room again...graduation, the trip, and moving are getting more and more near.
  • the fifth grade teacher i was supposed to have lunch with on saturday didn't show up. turns out he passed away a few days before we had arranged to meet. that's really fucking lame and just messed up. it would have been nice to say hi to him.
  • on that note...
  • turned in my geology final draft today and then had to take a quiz...that part sucked.
  • rented some movies tonight.

  • 6-4-01 (03:42)

  • done.
  • got my tickets for graduation in the mail sometime while i was gone. if you know anyone who has three extra "bright blue" tickets then let me know.
  • of all the people to be named after christopher walken is a pretty cool one.
  • drove more in the last few days than i care to remember.
  • need to sleep.
  • need money.
  • need to go on a stress free trip.

  • 6-4-01 (00:49)

  • updated archives.
  • updated movies list.
  • have class again tomorrow and i'm not looking forward to that.
  • really just drained right now.
  • saw a couple old jordan finals games on espn classic and was reminded that kobe can suck jordan's nuts.
  • saw the nba game today and that was pretty good. lakers will win the series in 5.
  • saw the hockey game the other night also. that was a good one until roy and blake handed the devils two goals. still think the avs have a good chance of winning it all.
  • put a lot of miles on the car.
  • my family mostly just annoyed me while i was down there. my dad is retarded, but that's nothing new.
  • got lots of cds the day i left so listened to those while i was in la.
  • updated cdlist.
  • saw something on the discovery channel about violent criminals having less function in the frontal lobe than most people. a great discovery like this should allow us to disenfranchise people with less frontal lobe activity far easier than pre-scientific knowledge. yay.
  • saw jordan score 35 points in the first game of the nba finals in 1992 and make 6 out of 9 three pointers...in the first half.
  • also saw jordan score 38 points (including several big shots in the 4th quarter of a close game) when he was practically dying from some sort of virus in the 5th game of the 1997 finals. the guy was just amazing.
  • deja vu.
  • have a paper due tomorrow. just remembered. probably should do that.

  •  

     

    5-30-01 (01:55)

  • my alarm clock doesn't work anymore for some reason.
  • not going to update for the next few days because of the trip.
  • here's a good howard zinn article...

  • Whom Will We Honor Memorial Day?

    by Howard Zinn Memorial Day will be celebrated ... by the usual betrayal of the dead, by the hypocritical patriotism of the politicians and contractors preparing for more wars, more graves to receive more flowers on future Memorial Days. The memory of the dead deserves a different dedication. To peace, to defiance of governments.

    In 1974, I was invited by Tom Winship, the editor of the Boston Globe, who had been bold enough in 1971 to print part of the top secret Pentagon Papers on the history of the Vietnam War, to write a bi-weekly column for the op-ed page of the newspaper. I did that for about a year and a half. The column below appeared June 2, 1976, in connection with that year's Memorial Day. After it appeared, my column was canceled.

    * * * * *

    Memorial Day will be celebrated as usual, by high-speed collisions of automobiles and bodies strewn on highways and the sound of ambulance sirens throughout the land.

    It will also be celebrated by the display of flags, the sound of bugles and drums, by parades and speeches and unthinking applause.

    It will be celebrated by giant corporations, which make guns, bombs, fighter planes, aircraft carriers and an endless assortment of military junk and which await the $100 billion in contracts to be approved soon by Congress and the President.

    There was a young woman in New Hampshire who refused to allow her husband, killed in Vietnam, to be given a military burial. She rejected the hollow ceremony ordered by those who sent him and 50,000 others to their deaths. Her courage should be cherished on Memorial Day. There were the B52 pilots who refused to fly those last vicious raids of Nixon's and Kissinger's war. Have any of the great universities, so quick to give honorary degrees to God-knows-whom, thought to honor those men at this Commencement time, on this Memorial Day?

    No politician who voted funds for war, no business contractor for the military, no general who ordered young men into battle, no FBI man who spied on anti-war activities, should be invited to public ceremonies on this sacred day. Let the dead of past wars he honored. Let those who live pledge themselves never to embark on mass slaughter again.

    "The shell had his number on it. The blood ran into the ground...Where his chest ought to have been they pinned the Congressional Medal, the DSC, the Medaille Militaire, the Belgian Croix de Guerre, the Italian gold medal, The Vitutea Militara sent by Queen Marie of Rumania. All the Washingtonians brought flowers .. Woodrow Wilson brought a bouquet of poppies."

    Those are the concluding lines of John Dos Passos angry novel 1919. Let us honor him on Memorial Day.

    And also Thoreau, who went to jail to protest the Mexican War.

    And Mark Twain, who denounced our war against the Filipinos at the turn of the century.

    And I.F. Stone, who virtually alone among newspaper editors exposed the fraud and brutality of the Korean War.

    Let us honor Martin Luther King, who refused the enticements of the White House, and the cautions of associates, and thundered against the war in Vietnam.

    Memorial Day should be a day for putting flowers on graves and planting trees. Also, for destroying the weapons of death that endanger us more than they protect us, that waste our resources and threaten our children and grandchildren.

    On Memorial Day we should take note that, in the name of "defense," our taxes have been used to spend a quarter of a billion dollars on a helicopter assault ship called "the biggest floating lemon," which was accepted by the Navy although it had over 2,000 major defects at the time of its trial cruise.

    Meanwhile, there is such a shortage of housing that millions live in dilapidated sections of our cities and millions more are forced to pay high rents or high interest rates on their mortgages. There's 90 billion for the B1 bomber, but people don't have money to pay hospital bills.

    We must be practical, say those whose practicality has consisted of a war every generation. We mustn't deplete our defenses. Say those who have depleted our youth, stolen our resources. In the end, it is living people, not corpses, creative energy, not destructive rage, which are our only real defense, not just against other governments trying to kill us, but against our own, also trying to kill us.

    Let us not set out, this Memorial Day, on the same old drunken ride to death.

    5-30-01 (01:07)

  • got a really good baseball game going on right now...wish i could see it. bottom of the 18th. bases loaded. giants are down by 1. santiago is hitting...two outs. two strikes one ball. obviously they need to score here. benito is has fouled off the last two pitches. they just lost. fuck.
  • have a long drive ahead of me tomorrow.
  • money mark is good.
  • been playing more frisbee golf lately.
  • gotta get some sleep and pack some stuff for the weekend getaway.

  • 5-29-01 (14:13)

  • talked to edward at work last night about philosophy and work went by really really quickly. never would have thought that he'd be interested in that kind of stuff.
  • i'm going to play more frisbee golf from now on. also should play some more basketball.
  • thinking too much can be bad. at some point you need to just act. when you act you can't constantly question your actions. at the same time you can't go through life without thought and reflection. balance is key.
  • leaving for la tomorrow night. i need to get some people to sub for me at work.
  • i think that our brains get locked in certain patterns or habits. whether it be musically or just thought about a certain subject. that's why it's important to listen to new stuff (free jazz for example) and think about things in new ways. at the very least this is what philosophy does.

  • 5-28-01 (01:40)

  • updated movies list.
  • went to sacramento yesterday and checked out some of the jazz festival and old sacramento. some good stuff. picked up some salt water taffy and it wasn't as good as the stuff from santa cruz.
  • speaking of which...johnny came by for what amounted to less than a day. we played lots of frisbee and frisbee golf.
  • phil came over today and we played frisbee golf. i lost my frisbee.
  • this week is going to be short...no school on monday. long day tuesday. medium day wednesday and leave for la that night.
  • plenty to say, but it's too late.

  • 5-25-01 (20:42)

  • knew lakers were going to win, but i didn't think it would be by so many points. needless to say they've been playing pretty well.
  • i guess johnny is coming up this weekend, but only for a day or something.
  • played some basketball tonight. that was fun.
  • have to pick up melanie in 30 mins or so.
  • need to start looking for a place to live now.

  • 5-25-01 (15:37)

  • melanie got into davis so i don't have to worry about that anymore.
  • the autechre album which i finally got around to buying is great.
  • woke up on the early side today and went to work. then had class.
  • it's not hot outside today at all. it's warm, but not hot...i like.
  • going to have lunch with my fifth grade teacher next saturday. that should be interesting, but good.
  • after the lakers win the next two games and complete their third consecutive sweep we should start getting stats on the best playoff records in history. last year they only lost a handfull. the bulls only lost a few at their height...i wonder what the best playoff record ever was. i don't think any team has gone undefeated in the playoffs, but, as always, i could be wrong.
  • going to play some basketball after i finish digesting this breakfast burrito feast i just had.
  • i'm going to try really really hard to have perfect posture for a while and see if that helps. for the most part i've been only trying half of the time. it's really frustrating to have a body that doesn't work, especially at 21. can't wait until i'm 45 and falling apart and slow and out of shape even more than i am now.
  • learned about the asteroid belt and jupiter today. mars is really interesting. i like the teacher and i like taking the class pass/no pass.

  • 5-25-01 (00:49)

  • watched tv and ate a lot.
  • pretty warm tonight.

  • 5-24-01 (15:19)

  • finished the lame paper.
  • updated cdlist.
  • back bugs as much as it ever does. no end in sight.
  • warm today, but overall okay.
  • have work in 40 minutes.
  • have 2 hours of work tomorrow also, forgot about those.
  • not doing so great lately.

  • 5-24-01 (00:40)

  • played basketball today, that was good and fun.
  • saw jon today and got the typical shit from him.
  • updated movies list.
  • have a paper due tomorrow, 4 pages to go. it's actually two separate papers, but he's counting it as one with two sections. kinda dumb.
  • learned more about mars today. cool stuff.
  • haven't been able to upload my webpage much lately which is annoying. i don't update that much these days anyway.
  • still don't know what the deal is for next year. don't really care at this point.
  • tomorrow is going to be even cooler, mid 80s maybe.
  • watched seinfeld today.
  • have mostly been just thinking about how disgusted with people i am in general. despite all my disgust i don't think i complain too much. i've just come to expect it.
  • phil decided to get drunk instead of hang out with me tonight.
  • need to watch the movies i borrowed from my dad before i go down there.
  • while i'm in la johnny is going to be in davis.
  • throughout my life i've found that i don't relate to very many people.
  • melanie needs some claratin.
  • i need to work on this paper.

  • 5-23-01 (18:27)

  • marv albert and stock market experts are stupid. shaq makes four free throws in a row and declares that shaqs free throw woes are over. the stock market has a few good days in a row and stock market experts declare the slump is over.
  • it was in the 80s today and people were still bitching.

  • 5-22-01 (23:15)

  • i want to play basketball everyday, but i have work, have no one to play with, and it's too hot during the day.
  • my back will never get better. going to physical therapy didn't do anything. i'm better off just doing things myself.
  • got my race relations midterm back today and that was satisfactory.
  • too much stuff to do these days.
  • i have nothing to talk about.
  • i'm going down to la next weekend.
  • this whole business with my back has really gotten me down. i can't wait for it to cool off a bit so i can play basketball.
  • nothing seems to help my back consistently. it was pretty good for a couple of days, but i can't figure out what i did differently those couple of days.
  • i'm worried about graduating, a trip which may or may not happen, going to la, my classes, my back, the heat, money, and now health insurance for next year.
  • i wish i just have pain free time to do nothing while i'm young and it's still allowed. gone are the days when people can just live for themselves...i think that's a shame. don't read that as it's a shame that people can't be selfish anymore. it's just that people have to answer to their work, their lovers, etc. more than they used to. i think.
  • i don't like shaving. i don't like being unshaven.
  • it's probably going to end up that i can't get anyone to sublease the apartment so i'll end up having to pay rent and store my stuff anyway. what a waste and a pain.
  • going to go shopping again.
  • hopefully this weekend i can relax and play/watch basketball. maybe it'll help my back.

  • 5-20-01

  • can't even upload my webpage lately. lame.
  • updated movies list.
  • saw the philly/toronto game, that was a good one.
  • clippers got the second pick in the draft, that's really sweet.
  • updated cdlist.
  • back has been feeling better.
  • have a paper due on thursday.
  • have physical therapy tomorrow morning

  • 5-18-01 (14:44)

  • haven't been able to upload my webpage since last night. kind of annoying.
  • i'm really really hungry. i eat too much and so my stomach has gotten bigger and gets hungry more often now.
  • fridays are better than most other days.
  • it's amazing to me how easily my friends find girlfriends. vern litterally had someone call him up today to offer to hook him up with some chick.
  • wanted to play basketball today, but there was only one guy on the courts. maybe i'll go later.
  • phil isn't doing so great.
  • i'm a strange character in a lot of ways.
  • i'm bored and hungry.
  • it's pretty warm outside.
  • my back isn't too horrible, but sitting always makes it worse...one reason i update less frequently these days.

  • 5-17-01 (22:16)

  • updated movies list.
  • life gets more hectic every day.
  • my friends are different from me.
  • sometimes i just think that i'm a burden on people.
  • i need to do lots of things and don't really have the drive to do them.
  • weather has been good.
  • played basketball yesterday after work and it was fun. went to play today, but there didn't seem to be any good games so i went home.
  • overall not a big fan of paul van dyk.
  • i've got all sorts of money coming and going out for next year's rent, the trip, and living expenses. still think i'm broke overall.
  • bush is retarded.
  • fact: if everyone were like me when it comes to energy conservation then we'd be better off. then again i am my mother's son.
  • people are mostly hopeless.
  • going to la next next wednesday night staying until sunday.
  • if i bought a vw bus then i could live in it and, like daniel c. miller (from the hitchhiking trip), i'd always have a place to crash if the "old lady" kicked me out.
  • when it comes to reading, i dabble. i've read parts of about 20 books this week. sadly i never read more than a couple pages from each. i like to get a taste of a certain idea or theme or event and let it ruminate for a bit. maybe later i get back to it.
  • bought some ny yankees tickets today.
  • at the very least post-modernism brings to the fore the idea that it is very hard, maybe impossible, to separate your experiences from your perception of reality (?). modernism attempts to do this by suggesting reason can lead you to objective answers about how the world works, but this is a fallacy which has caused more grief than i care to discuss. the truth is that everyone has great difficulty separating their experience from the truth (?) of things. i'm reminded of the greek philosopher pyrrho. you fill in the blanks.
  • it bugs when someone says they're not good at something when they know they are. i had a friend named james nash who would always say he didn't do well on a test and when the scores were released it was always the case that he did very well. after awhile it got pretty old hearing his bullshit sad sop stories.
  • to be honest with you i really don't care if i'm getting a true representation of a philosopher's work. when i read about the philosophy of joe blow i don't really mind if he is being misunderstood or misrepresented. this is true for two reasons: a) i don't take to heart what one source says about a person's work...e.g. nietzsche's will-to-power says blah blah blah, ergo he was a nazi sympathizer. b) i'm more concerned about the ideas being presented, not who is presenting them. thus if i was introduced to nietzsche as being a psycho nazi i honestly think that i would have viewed his philosophy the same way that i did knowing that he was neither of those things. i know that i will eventually discover the truth about a person. so even if i was introduced to nietzsche's ideas as coming from a nazi i would eventually have found an alternate source which would have set the record straight. and if the ideas are interesting enough i would just consult the primary material anyway.
  • i've always been down with spike lee. i just assume that everything he does is genius. i'm the same way with kubrick. they both use music really really well. and it doesn't hurt that they both have good taste in music. one can use bad music appropriately, but when one uses stevie wonder, public enemy, beethoven, the trashmen, strauss and others it certainly does help a film. scorsese hits up some quality music as well. i'll end the list there before it gets stupid long.
  • my back felt mostly good today, tomorrow will be bad for sure.
  • heard good things about the new depeche mode album.
  • been hearing really great great great things about the tool album.
  • "victory is a process, not an event"

  • 5-15-01 (15:36)

  • been pretty busy lately. been trying to get ready for june because it's going to be huge.
  • money is spent before i even get it. that sucks.
  • got my two free tickets to the movie theater today.
  • listening to a philip glass cd and it sounds a lot like the soundtrack to koyaanisqatsi, but it isn't. i guess he just recycled some of the stuff from this cd when doing the koyaanisqatsi soundtrack. actually i think it would be the other way around because of chronology, but you get the point.
  • updated movies list.

  • 5-14-01 (02:16)

  • updated movies list.
  • long day tomorrow.
  • kings lost. lakers look better than the spurs which means they'll probably repeat.
  • i think it's really sad that we only appreciate people after they die. if you care about me tell me so before i'm gone and buried (or burned).
  • had some really good ice cream today.
  • work went pretty quickly.
  • actually haven't done much lately. i've worked, watched basketball, and slept.
  • went bowling last night, broke 100.
  • graduation is in a month and three days.
  • hoop dreams is a great film.
  • there are a lot of things about human behavior that make me really sad.

  • 5-11-01 (22:34)

  • well, what did i tell you about the kings game..."take rick fox out of his game and we win no problem. shaq gets under 18 rebounds and we win. kobe gets under 20 and we win. webber shoots 50% and we win. uncle pete gets 4+ 3 pointers and we win. jason williams gets 12 or more points and 3 or more assists and we win. we get under 15 turnovers and we win. if any of those things happen then i think we'll win. there are lots of things we can do to win, we just need to do them." and what did we do? rick fox had 3 steals, 11 points, and 4 rebounds and peja (who fox was guarding) had only 14 points - that's not taking fox out of his game. shaq got exactly 18 rebounds. kobe had 16 points MORE than 20. webber went 13-27 = less than 50%. uncle pete took 4 three pointers and missed them all. jason williams only had 2 points, but 4 assists. and we had 16 turnovers. ergo, i was right.
  • on the positive side...we did out rebound them. vlade had a good game. webber played alright. we limited shaq offensively.
  • would have liked to see the raptors game...vince carter had an amazing game.
  • the kings game made me really sad.
  • it's kinda funny that if you buy into science you buy into the "fact" that the only reason we're here is because life came from pools of water near heat sources (though there is new evidence that points to life coming from asteroids)...and that we evolved only because the last mass extinction happened to wipe out the reptiles and allow for the rise of tha mammals.
  • something like 90% of the world's richest nations also have the greatest access to natural resources. i know that there are studies and figures on this, but i don't have them in front of me. the u.s. is the most obvious example since we have all but only a few resources on the planet. japan would be the obvious exception to the rule.

  • 5-11-01 (18:38)

  • kings game is more near than ever.
  • went to the whole earth festival today. saw dungey there.
  • the u.s. got kicked off the human rights committee in the UN so we (congress) decided to withhold some of our past due dues...to teach them a lesson. congress is stupid.
  • saw a 1971 bus for sale...2500 bucks and it's got a pretty nice camping package, a new new new engine (less than 1,000 miles on it - with a warranty of 10,000/1 year) and lots of other stuff. the guy is moving to CT so i'm going to weigh the pros and cons and maybe i'll end up selling the escort and buying the bus. more than likely just a pipe dream.
  • buses are very cool. but they don't have a/c. they don't get as good gas mileage. you can sleep in them. it's got a refrigerator. they're air cooled (hence they overheat more easily). they're not fuel injected. carbs are sucky.
  • so when you "pimp out" or sup up your honda civic you're generally looked at as foolish (at least when it comes to the people i hang out with). but if you pimp out your vw bug then it's cooler. why? the bug is just the 60s version of the civic - reliable, small, ubiquitous...so here's my theory...a) when you fix up a bug it's cool because it's an old car and fixing up old cars is just cooler in general. b) when you fix up a bug the chances are that you actually worked on it since they're so easy to work on.
  • went to the davis enterprise and i should get my tickets in the mail soon enough. melanie was the one with the brilliant idea to do the trivia thing in the first place so really she should get most of the credit.
  • i'm going to rest my back and try to stay cool. the kings game is going to be great.

  • 5-11-01 (13:24)

  • kings game in 6 hours.
  • teresa, an old friend, called yesterday and might be coming to davis for the weekend. that would be cool.
  • last week melanie and i entered a contest with the davis enterprise where you had to match a quote from a movie to its respective movie. this week melanie looked in the paper and it said "last week's expert on classic lines was Chris Miller, who wins a pair of passes good at..." so i'm going to goto the davis enterprise and claim our two free movie tickets. very cool.
  • got a bunch of food today, yum.
  • got my cbest information today.
  • gotta start planning a bit more for the trip sometime soon.

  • 5-11-01 (02:00)

  • it's too bad that we find ourselves so caught up in image that we can't buy a great piece of artwork by dali, van gogh, or escher, just because "everyone else has one." at least in my age group i've found that it's taboo to buy a print of starry night by van gogh or the persistence of time by dali or waterfall by escher, all because they've become popular. i find that i do the same thing myself and it's really really stupid. i remember liking starry night by van gogh since mr. manitzas introduced it to me in the fifth grade. then i get to college and realize that everyone's got a print of it so i hold off on buying it myself. kinda lame. i think with age this idea that in order to be cool you have to be original will fade.
  • updated movies list.
  • played galaga in between class and work today, that was really fun, cheap, and an overall good way to kill time.
  • talked to dungey briefly today. talked about derrida. that's some heavy shit.
  • paid some bills. that's some heavy shit.
  • it's pretty hot these days.
  • kings play tomorrow and sunday. i don't know where i got the idea that they were playing today.
  • working for vern on saturday.
  • phil came by yesterday. finally gave him his xmas present.
  • "xmas" = christmas...why? "x" = cross? cross = symbol of christ? christ+mas...seems to be the only logic i can apply to it and it seems far-fetched and a bit morbid.
  • religion is morbid.
  • watched 'do the right thing' again today. very good film.
  • melanie had a bad day.
  • tuesdays and thursdays feel long.
  • i like the gandhi quote, that's why i haven't replaced it.
  • made ice cream today and it came out really really wrong. don't know what i did. oh well.
  • gas is expensive.
  • there's a guy who writes for the school paper who has an article named "the right angle." obviously i disagree with most of the things he writes about. or i should say, i disagree with his views on those things he writes about. he was complaining about gas prices reaching three bucks by the end of the year and how outrageous he thought that was. republicans are so backwards. so are democrats, but at least they seem to care a little bit more about people. he wants us to drill the fuck out of alaska because he doesn't think americans should have to compromise their lifestyle. bush agrees...his press secretary said the other day that the president doesn't feel americans should have to change their lifestyles when it came to the energy crisis. that's just dumb. turn off the fucking lights, don't be so western.
  • a judge has decided to stop the clinton proposal which was going to ban development in something like 58 million acres of federally owned forest land. from what i have gathered, the judge thinks it would cause irreversible damage to ban development in those areas. everything i've ever learned in my life has shown that irreversible damage comes from destroying forests, not from trying to save them. again, backward thinking. it just seems a lot easier to build a road and develop industry in an area than to restore a forest.
  • in class the other day my professor was talking about joint ventures and how they allow investors to invest in more things than if they were to invest without others to share the risk. he described it as being "able to stick their fingers in as many pies as possible." hmmm.
  • going to sleep now.

  • 5-9-01 (19:09)

  • "labor is prior to, and independent of, capital. capital is only the fruit of labor, and could never have existed if labor had not first existed. labor is the superior of capital, and deserves much the higher consideration." - abraham lincoln
  • "ten men in our country could buy the whole world and ten million can't buy enough to eat" - will rogers, 1931
  • "the history of a nation is, unfortunately, too easily written as the history of its dominate class" - kwame nkrumah
  • "as long as you are convinced you have never done anything, you can never do anything." - malcolm x
  • "by idolizing those whom we honor, we do a disservice both to them and to ourselves...we fail to recognize that we could go and do likewise" - charles v. willie
  • kings game tomorrow and then sunday. i'll be able to watch both of them. i expect them to win the next one handily and the one after that will be harder. take rick fox out of his game and we win no problem. shaq gets under 18 rebounds and we win. kobe gets under 20 and we win. webber shoots 50% and we win. uncle pete gets 4+ 3 pointers and we win. jason williams gets 12 or more points and 3 or more assists and we win. we get under 15 turnovers and we win. if any of those things happen then i think we'll win. there are lots of things we can do to win, we just need to do them.
  • so bush has proposed a bunch of justices which look (for the most part) to be fairly backward thinking idiots. yay.
  • had my midterm today and that wasn't as good as it should have been. should have studied more.
  • fucking new jersey beat toronto, i hope they don't repeat. i hope the la kings win tonight.
  • the headline is "World Bank says urgent action needed on poverty"...within the article a quote..."``The size of the task (of reducing poverty) is immense,'' the bank's chief economist, Nicholas Stern, told a news conference at which the report was released." hmmm. duh.
  • more people die while watching football (soccer) games than while being shot at school, so what's all the fuss? har har.

  • 5-9-01 (11:08)

  • if i lived in cuba my back would feel better by now.
  • had a midterm yesterday and a paper due the day before that. i have another midterm in two hours. whoop whoop.
  • been pretty hot lately.
  • with all this energy crisis crap i think i'm going to leave california for a couple months.
  • have lots of stuff to do in order to get ready for the trip and get ready for whatever it is i'm going to do about my teaching career.
  • have lots of bills to pay.
  • kings lost last night and they could have won. they play two games in sacramento, then one in la, then one in sacramento, then the last one in la. i was wrong...i thought it was 2-3-2, but it's 2-2-1-1-1. i guess it's hockey that plays their seven game series 2-3-2. maybe baseball too.
  • the lakers won't win the championship next year. the rule changes will affect them more than most teams.
  • getting hungry.
  • is post-modernism philosophy? what is philosophy? i think that most philosophers would like to discount post-modernism as a pessimistic critique of philosophy which is largely without purpose and thus not worth one's time. utility and truth guide modern philosophy and since post-modernism claims there is no truth and says that utility is contextual and power-centric they probably don't take too kindly to post-modernists trying to deconstruct everything they've been working towards since plato. post-moderns of course would say that really they're not working towards anything because that implies that there is some higher plain of existence with which we must come in contact (through reason)...it's pretty dangerous to put science and knowledge under the guise of "finding truth" because, just like religion or marxist thought, it becomes an issue of power. those with the "knowledge" those who are able to canonize are the same people who have power. they claim it's grounded in a highest good called "knowledge" or "reason," but the results are the same - separation between those with the power and those without...and what's more is that they justify this separation by claiming yet another form of "truth." so it leaves me wondering what's the difference between claiming reason and scientific thought as a truth and claiming god as truth? it seems to me that many of the results are the same.

  • 5-7-01 (15:37)

  • if a thing is worth doing, it's worth doing right. that's how i feel about "friends" (not the tv show). if you have a friend who isn't worth talking to when you see them on campus, then they're not worth having.
  • wore a rage against the machine t-shirt - nothing new for me, but what made it interesting was that two separate times i got a comment on it. one chick just looked at my shirt and said "that's what i'm talking about" and another said "nice shirt." it's good to see people who appreciate politics.
  • my mom referred me to this website. it's two guys who want their college education sponsored by bored internet browsers. you can always tell how intelligent a person is by how many exclamation marks they use.
  • the internet is so boring!
  • it's really hot outside!
  • i have work from 6-11 tonight. that's going to really suck!

  • 5-7-01 (11:10)

  • not going to finish this paper in time.
  • don't get any email these days.
  • melanie is at work.
  • i'm more worried about the test i have tomorrow than i am about the paper i have due in 50 minutes.
  • have a lot of bills to pay.
  • get paid this week.
  • jonique came over the other day.
  • need to call phil.
  • there's a lot more to do in davis than one would think. you just need to look for it.
  • hope the kings win tomorrow. i might get to watch the last 15 minutes or so.
  • slept a few hours this morning.
  • science papers are boring.
  • i should go work on that paper.

  • 5-6-01 (15:14)

  • played basketball on thursday and last night.
  • watched part of the kings game today and that was a bit depressing. they only lost by three, but they didn't play like they should have. too many turnovers not enough assists.
  • have a paper due tomorrow. test tuesday, test wednesday.
  • guess johnny has more or less moved on. suppose that's good.
  • haven't been updating enough lately.
  • had lunch with my aunt, uncle, and cousin. i know now why a true democracy won't ever work. it took us way too long to decide where we were going to eat. fairly annoying.
  • need to eat.
  • been busy lately and that sucks.

  • 5-5-01 (12:02)

  • updated movies list. finally saw memento...very good. lends itself well to philosophical discussion.
  • it's always best to watch a movie without knowing anything about it before hand.
  • my aunt is coming soon to get me lunch.
  • have a midterm and a paper on monday and another midterm on tuesday.
  • simcity 2000 is too easy in the 'easy' level and too hard in the 'hard' level.
  • i'd like to see memento again and talk about it with someone who likes to talk about philosophy.
  • in two months i'll be 22. i'll also be in montana or some such state.
  • the spurs should win today. game will be on at 330.
  • didn't go to the bike auction.
  • washed the car last night.
  • going to check the mail and listen to the who.

  • 5-4-01 (11:38)

  • updated movies list.
  • probably going to go out and look for some places to live today.
  • i've been waking up earlier these days and once i wake up it seems like i can't go to sleep again.
  • might get into the 90s by early next week.
  • fridays are good.
  • i can't believe that dallas came back against the jazz.
  • didn't do too badly on my geology test. kinda thought about taking it for a grade and taking my race relations class pass/no pass, but i don't know if i can do that since it's one of only five classes for my minor.
  • need to wash the car sometime soon.

  • 5-3-01 (13:35)

  • fucking wind.
  • my back felt fine in the morning and then i spent 45 minutes in the car and it started to hurt.
  • i'm going to eat, take my drugs and rest my back.
  • bought a book for class today.
  • i'm broke.
  • next week i have a paper due and two midterms. this quarter sucks and i care less than i ever have.
  • i just want my back to be better.
  • the kings won by 7, guess who called that one...it was a great game.
  • i'm going to eat now.

  • 5-2-01 (18:15)

  • windy as all hell today.
  • kings are going to play in a little over an hour. i think it'll be a close game, but i think they'll end up winning by 3-7 points.
  • listening to tool is probably bad for my psyche.
  • need to find out about carl jung.
  • talked to dungey today. he might end up working at ucsb. if not then he plans on writing or doing some such thing.
  • had the doctor's appt. today and got x-rayed...nothing wrong there, which is good. he gave me some drugs and told me i should get physical therapy a few times a week for a month. that's probably not going to happen since it's probably expensive. overall the visit didn't do much for me. ensured me that it was a muscle thing (which is one thing i already knew) and told me that physical therapy would help (duh). so maybe i'll start swimming or doing rowing exercises or something. any way you slice it it's pretty retarded.
  • it's a good thing to have work or school most days of the week because it gets me out of bed (or off the floor, as it were).
  • could goto arco arena and watch the game with 17,000 other fans on big tv screens there, but i doubt that i'm going to do that.
  • going to play some sim city 2k.
  • updated movies list.
  • got fargo on dvd the other day.

  • 5-1-01 (16:01)

  • normative statements should be outlawed.
  • it's really easy to get into a mindset that dooms the future to match the past. usually we do it without even noticing. it's really easy for me to say that i'm not going to get an A in a class because i hardly ever get As. or when someone asks if i studied for a test i give the standard answer "i don't study." i've gottn trapped into this conception of what my identity is...part of my perceived identity is being someone who doesn't really study, but it could be a lot of things for a lot of people. it could be "i'm a fuck up...so i'm always going to be that way." or "i've never had a good relationship...so i probably never will." the problem is that we usually don't consciously make the statement which follows "..." we usually just say "i'm a fuck up" or "i've never had a good relationship" and we allow our actions to be constrained by what naturally follows that train of thought. that's why it's important to forget. that's why it's important to actively work through the past. learn from it, certainly, but don't dwell on it.
  • i'm going to eat and play simcity 2000.
  • i can't believe we don't have a cheese grater. what makes it even more funny is that we didn't even notice it until just a few days ago.
  • need to watch the sting and music man sometime soon.
  • have to wake up early tomorrow for the back appt.
  • have to wake up early on saturday for the bike auction.
  • waking up early sucks.
  • melanie works the next 3 or 4 days in a row. that's good because she'll make some money.
  • i need to make some money so i can pay for next year's rent.

  • 5-1-01 (01:08)

  • updated archives.
  • updated movies list.
  • my aunt should be coming this weekend.
  • have a doctor's appt. for my back on wednesday. have a paper due tomorrow...just a couple pages, but i need to read first.
  • ice cream hasn't been as good as the store bought stuff, but i'm working on several options. i'll get a system down eventually.
  • might watch memento this week.
  • have a geology paper (first draft) due next monday. had a test today.
  • spurs are looking very good.
  • doug christie, of the kings, reminds me a lot of scottie pippen. that's a good thing.
  • i really like the soundtrack to the good, the bad and the ugly.
  • it's may and that means that it's a month away from june. i graduate in june. i move out in june. i begin a cross-country trip in june. june is going to be huge.
  • i think about the trip less these days. for the most part that's good.
  • i can't seem to read the things i'm supposed to. i was at work and picked up plenty of books, none of them happened to be what i was assigned to read. i should be reading for this paper i have due tomorrow.
  • going to the bike auction this weekend. might pick up melanie a bike. hopefully it'll be a half way decent bike and i'll make it wholly decent by fixing it up. we shall see.
  • don't spend much time on the computer these days.
  • probably because i spend more time eating. i had breakfast and lunch today.
  • luke is a funny guy.
  • i'm not going to cash my tax refund until june.
  • that's about the extent of the excitement in my life.
  • phil stopped by today, but i was at work.
  • "god save the queen. the fascist regime..."

  • 4-29-01 (16:49)

  • kings won. the lakers are about to win. kings game was good.
  • didn't go to work.
  • bowled four games last night. that was tiring.
  • have a geology test tomorrow.

  • 4-27-01 (15:05)

  • cleaned and lubed my bike.
  • went to class.
  • listening to the beatles. they're not as good as led zeppelin.
  • i will fund a paper of any reasonable length on the historical (up to the present) sociology of coffee shops. i will provide ten dollars for your time.
  • the kdviations this quarter looks better than it usually does.
  • gotta go pick up melanie from work.

  • 4-27-01 (12:41)

  • played some frisbee golf yesterday by myself. there was a fine young fellow who also felt that it was a good idea to play some frisbee golf. sadly he felt it would also be a good idea to talk on his cell phone while doing so. yup, this guy was talking on his cell phone and playing frisbee golf at the same time. not to be judgmental or anything, but he's a loser.
  • went bowling last night and did really well. also played galaga and got to the 30th level. could have done better, but i just let my last two guys die since it was time to start bowling. last night i was on top of my game i guess.
  • i want to play some basketball next week.
  • i like bowling.
  • have class in 20 minutes.
  • have a test and a paper on monday and tuesday of next week.
  • rented five movies.
  • people at work were taking the survivor polls and i felt like breaking their faces. not really, but it's the survivor polls on top of the tiffany website and the gap website and all the other horrible places they frequent while on the computers at work.
  • need to wash the car some time. if you have a car and you don't wash it yourself at least on occasion then you're not very friendly.
  • don't know where i'm living next year. do know that i can't afford much more than i'm paying now.
  • played basketball and gta on the computer last friday. that's major news since it's something i haven't done in a very long time. melanie's only been here a week.
  • i've been eating better than ever.
  • i'm broke.
  • gotta get to class.
  • should degrease and lube my bike while i'm on campus today.
  • people don't take care of their possesions and i think that's too bad. sure a bike is only a bike and if it breaks then it's only money, but to me it's more than that. i've got a special relationship with things that provide for me...whether it be my receiver which provides loud crisp music or my bike which provides tons of thrills and high speed transportation.

  • 4-25-01 (23:11)

  • "power is not having to use it" - chris miller
  • only thing that smells better than davis in the spring is revenge. the kings got their revenge tonight - they romped the suns 116-90. so i was wrong in my prediction, but at least in the right direction. the game was great. scott pollard is god.
  • tuesdays and thursdays aren't so great.
  • i think it's a miracle that i've only missed 6 classes so far.
  • my dungey (philosophy of law) class is cool, i expected that. my geology (of the solar system) class is also cool, i mostly expected that too. my sociology of corporations has turned out to be a course on how corporations work and have changed in the last thirty years - so far a disappointment. my race relations class has also been a disappointment. such is life.
  • melanie's got work early tomorrow.
  • the kings game was great.
  • slept on the floor last night and that didn't do much good.
  • put some boards under my mattress, maybe that'll be a good happy medium.
  • wish i could see the lakers game tomorrow.
  • the orbital album should come out next week. last i checked anyway.
  • two months from now i'll probably be in oregon or some such place.
  • there are a lot of things in this world which i find "funny." one of them has got to be that people think they have the "right" to cheap electricity. we could argue the idea of human rights all day and not even get beyond the right to govern one's own body, much less their right to cheap electricty or mcdonald's. people are just funny. funny stupid, not funny ha ha.

  • 4-25-01 (18:12)

  • melanie is at work now so she's officially making bank again.
  • work wasn't too shabby.
  • going to watch the game tonight and the kings are going to win - 106-93.
  • updated cdlist.
  • in the movie "quest for fire" it's interesting to see how long long ago we fell in love as a result of having sex and working together. now it seems that we need to work together and fall in love in order to have sex. i make no value judgments on this, it's just interesting to note.
  • got paid today and that is nice.
  • it's certainly getting more towards the hot side lately.
  • updated movies list.
  • made some cookies and cream ice cream with my new ice cream maker. yummy.
  • lukes (looks) like luke updated his webpage, finally.
  • made a doctor's appt for the back situation. i'm 21 and everyday my back hurts (to varying degrees). i don't think that that's normal.
  • updated wish list.

  • 4-24-01 (00:47)

  • work was longish.
  • fuck.
  • cut my hair today.
  • don't really like mondays and tuesdays.
  • have a geology test next week.
  • it's pretty warm inside my room right now.
  • thought about plenty, don't remember any of it.

  • 4-23-01 (01:33)

  • had work from 12-3 today, that went slowly.
  • didn't do much today.
  • ate crab enchiladas and they were good.
  • i've eaten breakfast two days in a row now. having melanie around should be good.
  • i'm pretty tired.
  • i have an ice cream maker now so expenses in that department should decrease. lovely.
  • weather was really good today. played some catch at the park and that was fun. i'm a bit sunburned. need a haircut.

  • 4-22-01 (00:22)

  • melanie is here.
  • went to picnic day and that wasn't so shabby. spent the whole day with melanie's parents and that wasn't so shabby either.
  • updated movies list.

  • 4-20-01 (19:16)

  • less than three hours.
  • it's amazing how productive one can be when one puts their mind to it. when i have a paper due the next day i get all sorts of things done. when i'm trying to kill time i get my room, and the rest of the apartment, cleaned out. when you get three guys to work on painting a house it gets done in just a few days. what am i doing with the rest of my time? it seems that most of the time i'm the exact opposite of productive.
  • i've already eaten today, wow.
  • did some laundry today. i came back from the laundry room at one point to see that the door was locked and i knew that vern was out so i figured that i locked myself out some how. our door is kinda screwy so when we lock only the bottom lock we can sometimes just push on it and it'll open right up. so i pushed on it and then put my body into it a bit, but it wasn't budging. so then i took a step back and kicked it and ended up breaking the door jamb. it turns out that vern returned while i was doing my laundry and was taking a dump so he didn't answer the door. the managers are going to fix it tomorrow so on the bright side we're getting our door jamb replaced. either i'm one strong mother fucker or door jambs are weak.
  • full on raining today. tomorrow may or may not rain. picnic day might suck. sunday is supposed to be nice and by tuesday it's going to be in the mid-80s. fucking weather.
  • playoff action begins tomorrow so even if picnic day bites the dust there is a chance i could stay entertained. actually i'll probably have to hang out with melanie's parents so maybe that won't work out.
  • big book companies (barnes and noble and border's) settled for $4.7 million over monopoly type practices. i doubt my grandparents got any of that $4.7 million.
  • why doesn't faith based funding from the government include funding for muslim based programs? or maybe this should be the question - why does faith based funding mean funding for christian based programs?
  • "NAFTA eliminated over 766,000 net job opportunities in the U.S. between 1994 and 2000, according to the Economic Policy Institute. "It is important to remember that the promise of new jobs was the principal justification for NAFTA. According to its promoters, the new jobs would compensate for the increased environmental degradation, economic instability, and public health dangers that NAFTA brings.""
  • ""The steady growth in U.S. trade deficits over the last two decades has eliminated millions of manufacturing jobs. ... Most displaced workers find jobs in other sectors where wages are much lower, which in turn leads to lower average wages for all U.S. workers. Recent surveys have shown that, even when displaced workers are able to find new jobs in the U.S., they face a reduction in wages, with earnings declining by an average of over 13 percent.""

  • 4-20-01 (00:06)

  • melanie is going to be here in about 21 hours.
  • updated movies list.
  • christmas in hollis is the best non-traditional christmas song of all time. it's so good that i had to make it the best of something. it's like when i said that rage against the machine was one of the best bands which used only four instruments (drums, bass, vocals and guitar).
  • been watching more movies lately, but they're all for weak point values. the goal is pretty much not going to happen anyway.
  • so i think the kings play the suns in the first round of the playoffs, that should be a good series.
  • the weather looks to be a bitch in the next couple days. once again i must thank god and/or his dead, and now rotting, son for this.
  • since there isn't anything you can ever know for certain as a truth and since there isn't an ordained Truth outside of ourselves we say that beauty (along with many other things) are in the eye of the beholder. in a way we are gods of our own reality. since everything we live in is created by us then, in a sense, we've got a tremendous amount of power and freedom. it's a shame we've pissed it away by feeling threatened and/or superior to anyone not like us - whether in terms of looks, ideology, fashion sense, musical tastes, education, economic status, etc.
  • i don't know when it rained last on picnic day, but i know it hasn't rained on a picnic day while i've been here. i'll admit that i like it to be in the 70s more than i like it when it's in the 90s, but this wind and chance of rain bullshit doesn't endear me to god very much.
  • i'm going to blame everything on god from now on.
  • i had a dream which made me realize that i can count the number of times my dad has said that he was proud of me on one hand. at the same time my mom says it all the time so that makes up for it right? i mean if my mom thinks i'm the coolest person in the world then it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks because her positivity makes up for all the negativity. positivity can be stored and collected, right? that is how it works, isn't it?
  • my computer is kinda freaking out. maybe it's just the keyboard, maybe not.
  • i've already had five people vote on my new poll. pretty interesting distribution. i picked african-american, but only god knows the real answer. at least that's what the chick from best buy would say.
  • when johnny and i were at best buy trying to get my dvd player cleaned (since i was going i figured i'd get it cleaned because it's free) there was some problem with my warranty information. i think i asked the girl how the warranty got messed up and she said something like "i don't know; i'm not god." that led to a conversation on the great one above - his holiness.
  • this is a pretty god-centric update. i'll stop. but only because god told me to.
  • there should be only one banner when you view this webpage, if you're getting three (one in each frame) then let me know. i don't know what i'll do about it, but it's nice to know how many people are getting screwy layouts.
  • if you're ugly, fat, left-handed, non-white or otherwise unlike me then i encourage you to kill yourself.
  • it's cool that i can say stuff like that and no one will get offended because they know me. in fact most people who read this are rather astute and will probably see that sentence as an indictment of anyone who is a bigot in those (or less conventional) ways.
  • on the nothing really has a greater meaning tip...because a picasso painting isn't beautiful thanks to its ability to tap into some thing above us (humanity) called beauty (some universal conception of beauty) and since everything else follows in this same manner it can be deduced that the word "nigger" or "faggot" or some other offensive word isn't really offensive in the higher sense. those words are only offensive because we make them offensive and because we assign a demeaning connotation to them. there isn't anything about the word itself that makes it offensive. context is everything. you know this. it's why in england when someone asks for a "fag" no one takes any notice. "fag" means something different. if there was some great meaning behind the word "fag" then it would mean the same thing in any culture which was in touch with this greater meaning. (i don't think that anyone is going to honestly atest that american english is somehow more in tune with the higher meaning of the world and so we needn't address that part of the argument.) i'm saying nothing new here. my theory about african-americans using the word "nigger" is that they are redefining the word, recontextualizing it, taking the power back, taking the meaning that society has attached to it and changing it - it's an exercise of linguistic power. i don't necessarily agree with this, but i don't condemn them for doing it. i understand that the word has meanings attached to it. just as if everytime i was butt-raped in jail my rapist would say the word "banana" i would have negative meanings attached to the word. granted the word "banana" is more arbitrary than "nigger," but you get the point. what i'm saying is that we all know, at least on some level, that a word is just a word, that meanings are attached to words and that's how they become powerful, but what i'm trying to reitterate is that we have assigned meanings to the words, not god. the words themselves only mean anything because we have made it that way.
  • i don't know where that came from. it's all basic and simple stuff and you know it all already, but you probably don't agree with it. don't take it as my saying it's okay to use those words - it's not. don't take it as me saying words don't mean anything - they do. all i'm saying is that we sometimes need to be reminded that words aren't everything, their definitions aren't fixed, and their meanings aren't set by god. i'm sorry if using any of the above words has offended anyone. seriously.
  • it even seems to me that the above argument is partially why the use/study of English is an art, not a science. if every word had a completely fixed definition and an assigned emotional response then literature wouldn't be as much of an art as it is.
  • 20 hours until melanie is here.
  • if the aptpupil.freeservers.com url doesn't work then you can try aptpupil.freewebspace.com i'll try to upload the files at the same time.
  • i wish tupac were still alive. i wish john bonham didn't have to go out the way he did. at least it gives me one more reason to hate alcohol. alcohol is the devil and the source of all bad things. i just figured that out right now. i'm smart and clever and i did was philosophers and scientists have been trying to do since plato. i've found the source of all our problems. getting rid of alcohol, thus, is the answer to all of life's problems. yay me.
  • my back was better today than it was yesterday, and that is good.
  • shit! i missed survivor tonight. poor vern has work on thursday nights so he misses it every week. a moment of silence for vern's lost happiness.
  • fridays are better than all days except saturday.
  • i should make sure that i have enough space on the website servers to upload all the pictures for this summer's trip.
  • going to sleep now.

  • 4-19-01 (20:02)

  • updated poll.
  • updated movies list.
  • there is nothing in the world which is ordained by a higher power as beautiful or better than another thing. ergo we should be able to look at art and accept that it is beauty to some and not to others. we can try and say that one piece of art is more artistic because the artist obviously knew more about his/her art, but we have created the rules of art so it's all arbitrary in the end anyway. take music for an example...you can say that the beatles are better than the doors because they understood music theory better than the doors and because they used a wider range of musical styles to create their music. but the only reason we see those traits as being valuable is because somewhere down the line someone in power arbitrarily chose those traits as desirable. actually those people who have decided upon what bases a thing should be judged didn't do it entirely arbitrarily, they also did it to maintain their power and to help perpetuate what they felt was beauty. i think that everyone who's thought about it probably already knows it, but i don't know anyone (including me) who really lives by it.
  • i'm bored. maybe i should eat.

  • 4-18-01 (18:13)

  • if there's one conclusion you should get from all this discussion of post-modernism it's that there is no set standards for good/bad, beauty, worth, etc. as such it should be fairly evident that beauty, along with everything else, is in the eye of the beholder. i just wish we had a society that was conducive to this. we say that america, with its doctrine of human rights, is such a place, but in reality we shun anyone with divergent points of view. that, to me, is sad.
  • the way some people are able to love each other, despite ugliness or unworthiness by societal standards, shows me that on a very basic level post-modernism has at least some validity.

  • 4-18-01 (10:20)

  • "a dangerous resolve -- the christian resolve to find the world ugly and bad has made the world ugly and bad."
  • "what is the seal of attined freedom? -- nolonger being ashamed in front of oneself."
  • "the conditions of god. -- 'god himself cannot exist without wise men' -- luther said, and was right. but 'god can exist even less without unwise men' - that good old luther did not say."
  • woke up early today to get some stuff done and saw that there are people who actually wake up early on a regular basis. i don't know if i'm going to be able to be a 9-5er.
  • weather is really nice right now.
  • i talk about the weather a lot these days, must mean that i'm a boring person.
  • i'm hungry, but don't really have much in the way of breakfast food. this is surely one reason why i don't wake up early.
  • the truth of the world is that there is no truth.
  • there is one thing that everyone has in common - their individuality.
  • that being said, it's amazing how similar people can be.
  • even nietzsche makes almost metaphysical claims about humans. he makes claims about human nature both in the will-to-power and in his claim that everyone has both dionysian and apollonian impulses. to me, he even borders on making a claim that there is something beyond just our actions that makes up our identity. i don't think he goes that far, but he seems to get close.
  • i guess the whole business is sticky. if you say that there is no truth in the world then you are puporting a truth. even if the truth you claim is that there isn't any truth you're still making a claim to truth. it's kinda like me making a logical argument against the merits of logic. i'm using logic to try and defeat logic, and obviously that doesn't work. like using scientific methods to debunk the scientific method.
  • i think the best thing i've ever written on this webpage was written just 10 hours ago: "fuck God and his dead son." it really encapsulates who i am.
  • i'll never be able to say the word "justice" without following it up with "whatever the hell that is." because "justice," like most things is completely arbitrary.
  • it's interesting to think about how we think about things around us - from people to pencils. we always ask ourselves what a thing is based upon what it does. we base our understanding of things as relative to their function and their environment.
  • i can't even think about this, my head is going break.
  • saw a shirt the other day that jared diamond would have liked it had a picture of a snowboarder doing some crazy twisting jump and the caption read "forget the landing - chicks dig self-mutilation."

  • 4-18-01 (01:04)

  • yahoo weather calls for rain on saturday. fuck God and his dead son.
  • i'm certainly going to hell now.
  • talked to dungey today and that was, as always, good.
  • tuesday and thursday classes are boring. i should have been a philosophy minor. sociology is cool and all, but philosophy is more interesting.
  • weather.com tells a different story than yahoo weather so maybe there is hope.
  • got a longish day ahead of me tomorrow.
  • borrowed the jared diamond book (third chimpanzee) from the library the other day. re-read the chapter on drug use today. good stuff. i like hearing new views and his is certainly that.
  • david horowitz (not the consumer advocate guy on tv) was in davis the other day. he's a conservative guy who's against reparations for slavery. at any rate, he was lecturing in freeborn hall the other day and i would have liked to see what he had to say. a bunch of students went and then left in the middle of his speech. i would have at least heard the guy out and then if i didn't agree with what he had to say at the end of the lecture i would have walked onto the stage and taken a dump on the podium. it's called respect, people.
  • i don't know how i'm going to make my back get back to 100%. it's the worst when i sit down in class and such. i've got most of my mobility back. hopefully i'll start playing basketball and that will make things better.
  • i'm going to get some sleep now.

  • 4-17-01 (01:27)

  • been really swamped lately. have all sorts of things to do and i enjoy sleeping too much to get most of them done.
  • waiting is a bitch.
  • they forecast rain for friday. it had better not rain over the weekend.
  • april has been a long month so far.
  • there are certain movies which are great while you're watching them and others which are only great afterwards. magnolia is very good while i watch it, but gets better when i think about it. koyaanisqatsi gets better when i think about it afterwards and here's why think this is the case...since it's 87 minutes of being bombarded by basically the same stuff over and over it gets almost tedious while you're watching it. tedious for a good purpose, but tedious nonetheless. after it's over you have the luxury of just thinking about the gist of it, rather than having to take it all in as it unfolds in the film.
  • paths of glory is now my favorite kubrick film.
  • "the last picture show" was a good movie overall. it reminded me a lot of a douglas sirk type film...it showed a small town and then, layer by layer, showed you how fucked up this town really was. douglas sirk did the same thing, but with families not towns. i really liked written on the wind.
  • supervisor chick at work asked me if i was going to law school since i was a political science major. i laughed and told her that stuff was a load of shit. she said "isn't that was poli sci majors are supposed to do?" i said "most political science majors are retarded." i guess a more accurate statement would have been "most people are retarded."
  • really i shouldn't complain because the law does more good for me than it does bad.
  • if all paths in life are equally good in that none are ordained by any power as being "the best" or "the right," then i may as well choose the path of least resistance. i may as well choose how to view life based upon how conducive to happiness it is. happiness is as good a highest good as anything else. right?
  • i'm going to stop trying to convince people that there isn't any real truth in the world and that they should come to grips with that because a) they don't really listen to me anyway b) it's probably better that they not question reality.
  • speaking of which i want a "question reality" sticker.
  • baskin robbins's chocolate chip ice cream is the best. their chips are small and flaky, not big and obtrusive. there are lots of them and they're small so they melt in your mouth rather than requiring you to chew them. good stuff.
  • i guess i've come to grips with the fact that luke will never update his webpage again.
  • the internet bores me completely. i goto an average of 8 webpages a week. yahoo, yahoo sports, thecounter.com, johnny's site, yahoo weather, there are probably a couple others i'm forgetting...
  • i'm going to sleep.

  • 4-16-01 (00:40)

  • updated movies list.
  • i can't remember the last time i went to a music news website. i used to go to them all the time to see what was coming out and what rumors were flying around about which bands. i haven't even gone to the beastie boys website in months. i just don't care unless they're touring or unless they're coming out with something new. i figure that i'll get wind of that by the time i need to whether i look for band info every day or every other month. mostly i just don't care about news anymore. i guess the one exception would be sports news.
  • i hope that rob zombie gets to finish his horror movie - i want to see it.

  • 4-15-01 (02:53)

  • updated movies list.
  • poll.
  • sometimes i just think that no matter what i try to do, no matter what i learn or read i'm not going to be able to change who i am deep inside. that's a depressing thought.
  • sometimes i think that we're just such animals in so many ways and that everything outside of impulses is a rationalization.
  • i need to read more jared diamond because as long as i remember i've thought about things in the same way that he does....that many of our motivations can be traced anthropologically to our primordial selves.
  • bought a book on nietzsche today while i was at barnes and noble with johnny.
  • koyaanisqatsi was good, don't get me wrong, but it wasn't as good as i expected. the soundtrack is great. made me want to see "man with the movie camera" again.
  • thinking was probably the worst thing i could have ever done in my life. seriously. it's caused me a lot of grief. i guess i can feel better than other people because i think about things that others don't, or because i think about them more deeply, but then i feel guilty about feeling better than other people, even if they are all from texas. besides, i've thought enough to know that feeling better than another person is retarded anyway. so what has thinking got me? i'm not going to think about it because it'll only depress me.
  • i encourage all of you to stop reading this page and watch some tv - remember how many happy moments you've had in front of the tv...a lot more than being alone thinking about the meaning of life, the existence of god, or Being or Truth or...

  • 4-14-01 (20:57)

  • updated movies list.
  • played frisbee golf again.
  • got some speakers in the car - they don't rattle now.
  • hit 110mph in the escort.
  • johnny leaves early tomorrow.
  • finally saw koyaanisqatsi. nothing that revolutionary or anything, but still good. seemed to me that it wasn't really about life in chaos as much as it was life in too much order. all those people going to work were doing the same thing as yesterday, and they were going to do the same thing tomorrow - that's not chaotic. it definitely applied to the last definition - life which needs to be changed...i would have done it better.
  • tell me if you're having any problems viewing the new webpage.

  • 4-14-01 (03:15)

  • updated movies list.
  • went to best buy to get my dvd player cleaned.
  • might get car speakers tomorrow.
  • watched three movies today.
  • back felt good enough to play frisbee golf.
  • having johnny here has kept me busy and that's generally a good thing.
  • my dad is an enigma like no other. my mom is a lot easier to figure out and i think i like it more that way. if anyone takes that as offensive then they should probably hate psychology since it systematically reduces us all into calculable bundles of atoms.
  • could get into the 80s by monday.
  • it's pretty late so i should sleep.
  • i think heidegger is right when it comes to his view of people shaping history around the story they tell of human existence or Being. i've been thinking the same thing for a while - he just says it better.
  • talked to this chick at best buy about religion.
  • "i pity the fool." - mr. T

  • 4-12-01 (01:21)

  • "Beliefs are dangerous. Beliefs allow the mind to stop functioning. A non-functioning mind is clinically dead. Believe in nothing..."
  • updated movies list.
  • lately it's been too windy for my taste.
  • cleaned the kitchen today. need to clean my room sometime. also have some laundry to do.
  • kubrick remains my favorite director.
  • got paid today, but i'm still broke.
  • the last update i wrote seems like it was a long time ago, but i wrote it just seven hours ago.
  • my back is at about 65% right now, it was at about 15% before. i can walk without hurting, sitting doesn't hurt very much, i can even look down at my feet without it hurting. hopefully i'll be back at 100% by monday.
  • i'm going to sleep on the floor tonight and hope that i don't wake up as stiff as i have been after sleeping on my bed.

  • 4-11-01 (18:34)

  • work wasn't too bad.
  • back is feeling mostly better, but still not healed completely.
  • melanie is coming up next week.
  • it's really lame how true psychology is. i find that i'm far more like my parents than i'd like.
  • turning around 20 years of momentum is a tough thing to do unless you discover religion. i don't say that jokingly. those who are most successful with changing their lives are those who find jesus or religion in some way. i know this from experience and observation. another great way to change who you are is through drugs...whether prescription (prozac, zoloft, etc.) or illicit. i guess the third thing that fits into that pretty nicely is love. all those three things can go a long way to changing who you are pretty quickly. let's face it changing ourselves, for ourselves is too difficult. it takes a long time and it's hard. we want change right away.
  • some telemarketer just called me; i have him on hold.
  • not sure what i'm going to eat tonight, but i got some bread today and might need to break into that.
  • i wonder how long this guy is going to stay on the line.
  • it's easier to not change and claim "that's just the way i am."

  • 4-11-01 (02:48)

  • updated movies list.
  • aphex twin is good.
  • life is difficult.
  • johnny is coming on thursday.
  • weather could be better.
  • change is inevitable.
  • certain changes can be extremely difficult.
  • not sure what to do about myself.
  • simon and garfunkel with all their themes of loneliness and seclusion really did know what was up.
  • not going to hit 70 degrees any time soon. guess jon is happy.
  • phil got a new car so he's happy.
  • not going to solve the problems of the world here so i'm just going to sleep.
  • don't forget...that nbci sucks donkey dong and is going to quit this whole internet thing so i'm moving my address...again. here should be where you go to view my site from now on. change bookmarks accordingly.

  • 4-10-01 (15:10)

  • updated movies list.
  • updated poll.
  • had that subway sandwich today and it was good.
  • work from 6-10, whoop whoop. guess i'll apply for the SAIII position while i'm at work since the applications are out for the taking again.
  • going to watch "american job" and rest my back some more. sometimes it feels mostly healed other times it feels like there hasn't been any progress. i wish i could limn just how annoying this whole thing is.
  • limn is a dumb word.
  • updated a few other pages because of the move...papers page, wish list page, about me page. tell me if you notice any broken links.

  • 4-10-01 (12:39)

  • important news right now is that nbci sucks donkey dong and is going to quit this whole internet thing so i'm moving addresses...again. here should be where you go to view my site from now on. change bookmarks accordingly.

  • 4-9-01 (14:19)

  • updated schedule, this time i remembered to upload it.
  • skipping two more classes today for the good of my back. don't know if three plus hours of class and five hours of work would be a good thing. i'm going to rest after i finish this update.
  • taking geology pass/no pass will be a good relief for my final quarter. there's really no reason to worry about having to do well in a GE course which may or may not go well. i'd feel pretty dumb if i got a grade which was lower than my gpa. i'll err towards the safe side.
  • weather is pretty good, but windy.
  • overall my back is feeling better and i think it should be back to "normal" by the middle of the week...assuming i take it easy and continue my recovery regimen.
  • aikman retired today. good.
  • 8% of the people polled on yahoo sports said that aikman was the best dallas cowboy ever. 8% of yahoo sports users are idiots. he wasn't even the best dallas cowboy of the 90s, much less ever.
  • i've got mixed feelings about mj possibly coming back.
  • i don't have mixed feelings about the mos def song ("umi says") featured in the nike commercial - it's supa fly dope phat funky phresh shit. or something.
  • torn between top ramen and using a coupon for a subway sandwich. one is ten cents and in the kitchen the other is a few bucks and a bike ride away.
  • "wet tip hen ax" is probably still my favorite aphex twin "song."
  • i still have about 90 duplicate cds to burn.
  • wish i could have seen the miami v. new york game yesterday. i've always said that, though i don't like them, the NY knicks are one of the top two most exciting teams to watch in the nba. actually i used to say that they were the most exciting, but that has changed because the kings have been a more fun team to watch the past few years. the point remains - the knicks are a good team which almost always stay in the game and play intense ball more often than most. when they play miami it's even more fantastic.
  • my computer runs well.
  • top ramen it is.

  • 4-8-01 (22:38)

  • updated movies list.

  • 4-8-01 (17:23)

  • work wasn't too bad.
  • my back still hurts, though not as much as yesterday...it's also lower than it was before.
  • shaq played a good game today. tiger woods was better, but got help from duval and mickelson choking near the end. the kings won and that is good.
  • planning on watching a yankee game at yankee stadium during the trip. after all what's the point of going to NY if you're not going to at least look at yankee stadium?
  • guess i'll eat and then lay down to rest my back some more. kind of a boring existence.

  • 4-7-01 (21:43)

  • updated movies list.
  • weather should start to clear up by monday, they say.
  • phil came over and we watched a movie. then i went to avalon and soaked in the jacuzzi for a bit - that felt good.
  • work from 12-3 tomorrow, that'll suck.
  • can't wait till melanie gets here.

  • 4-7-01 (15:12)

  • got my national park pass today so i should be able to go to any of them for free. that's pretty neat.
  • work today was long and painful. my back hurts a lot and probably as much as it ever has. this sucks.
  • rained enough to call it a rainy day. i don't like this weather.
  • lately life has been more of a pain than i'm used to.
  • lots to think about. nothing much to say here.

  • 4-6-01 (13:37)

  • updated movies list.
  • things have been hectic lately.
  • skipped class this morning. i needed the sleep.
  • it rained today.
  • my life is in disarray.
  • bought a shitload of blank cds the other day. i will finish the duplicate cd project even if it kills me.
  • i've got work at 3pm.
  • the way some people believe in god really bugs the shit out of me because it seems like such a cop out. the only responsibility you have (to those who believe in this way) is to serve god and be pious. as a result it seems pretty antithetical to personal responsibility. strange because both personal responsibility and being pious are things usually associated with the right wing. existentialism seems to be the highest form of personal responsibility and i don't usually think of it being associated with republicans. maybe i'm missing something. i think later.
  • i'm officially addicted to ice cream. no joke.

  • 4-5-01 (01:28)

  • updated movies list.
  • it might rain later this week. what the fuck?
  • i'm tired.

  • 4-4-01 (21:36)

  • updated cdlist.
  • two more classes down.
  • smelled like track season today.
  • it's been kinda cold lately.
  • psychology seeks to make everyone into calculable beings. i don't like that. if we're all the same then what's the point?
  • bikes are better than cars.
  • my back will never be 100% again. as soon as i started going back to class it started to hurt again. this is one more reason why i need melanie around.
  • should watch a movie tonight.
  • not much to say these days.

  • 4-4-01 (01:19)

  • i want to go to trader joe's some time. they have one in sacramento...think i'll go when melanie comes up here.
  • woke up, went to two new classes, got home, ate, watched a movie, got some ice cream, went to work, talked with melanie, updated webpage.
  • updated movies list.
  • looking forward to the trip more today than yesterday, that's been the trend lately.
  • been looking less forward to waking up tomorrow, that, too, has been the trend.
  • mandrill were good.
  • ordered the national parks pass last night.
  • an aphex twin t-shirt would be nice.
  • cleaned out my dresser drawers the other night, should work on doing the same for my closet soon.
  • car insurance is going to cost a pretty penny.
  • pennies are more ugly than the other coins.
  • making a lot of money next year should be nice. hopefully i can put enough aside to pay for a teaching credential program, in addition to paying off my debt from the trip and such.
  • tired.

  • 4-2-01 (17:17)

  • watched the news today...there was a story of some teenage vandalism and one of the cops said "who knows what goes on in those kids' minds these days." that kind of misunderstanding, or lack of understanding, is what causes kids to vandalize. maybe if people made an honest effort to understand teenage feelings they wouldn't turn into vandals. instead we alienate them and pretend that we were never like them.
  • saw a coffee cup today which, among other things, had printed "liquid culture" in big bold letters on it. i think that's pretty sad.
  • napster seems to work just fine for me. guess if i was searching for the latest britney spears stuff then i might have trouble.
  • alienating people doesn't seem to work too well...we've been doing it for thousands of years and i don't know that suppressing deviants has led to anything that positive, maybe we should try to embrace difference and preach/practice tolerance. maybe tolerance is a bad word since it implies that the thing which is being tolerated is something that is usually offensive or intolerable. we tolerate annoying neighbors, but we don't like them. i think that it should go beyond simply tolerating difference. that's probably too much to ask though.
  • i'm going to work.

  • 4-2-01 (16:10)

  • had two classes today.
  • have work from 6-11, but i told them i had a meeting from 7-9 which was scheduled before we got our schedules so i couldn't show up for those hours. that meeting, of course, is the ncaa finals. so i should get to watch the final two hours of that. hope AZ wins.
  • what are the effects of not talking to people for a great period of time? my dad told me a story of his roommate in college who wouldn't talk to anyone for a month and how that changed him. wonder what happens if you stop caring about what time of day it is for a couple months. my point is that stuff like talking and worrying about time or being late for your next meeting, shift at work, class, etc. are things which we take for granted. this summer should be cool because i won't be worrying too much about time or having some place to be at a certain time. obviously we need to be back home by a certain time, but for the most part we'll be able to just do things at a nice slow easy pace without worrying about a schedule.
  • spring break was good. i bought a car. 94 escort with an engine that has 40K miles on it. drove well on the way up to davis so i'm fairly optimistic about it lasting for the trip.
  • got to see my sister and that she's overall not comfortable living with either my mom or my dad; that's pretty understandable.
  • i don't really have any money and my next paycheck is going to be weak.
  • nothing really to say. i miss melanie. going to la was pretty good overall. wish i didn't have to go back to classes already. got good grades. kinda feeling down right now. need to eat. i only have pasta. need to call my insurance company and tell them to add the escort, that'll require more money than i have. not feeling very inspired to do anything right now.

  • 4-2-01 (01:13)

  • updated movies list.
  • updated schedule.
  • updated archives.
  • gotta get some sleep.

  • 3-23-01 (00:00)

  • went to rubio's for dinner tonight. after i walked in a looked up at the menu and the manager and register worker were both standing there waiting for me to decide what i was going to order. the manager guy looked at my shirt and said "cool shirt man." i told him how much shit that shirt had gotten me in today and he thought is was lame.
  • tomorrow is bound to be better than today.
  • it's amazing how many people are controlled by their desire to have control.

  • 3-22-01 (22:06)

  • the truth of the matter is that you are the only person you can depend on. you've got to be your own best friend because no one else is going to do for you what you can do for yourself.
  • today has been shitty from the moment i woke up.
  • before the ucla game i was on the happy side, but they lost and then i started to come to grips with the fact that i'm completely broke and i'm planning a trip for the summer which requires a large bankroll. i also realized that this world is mostly filled with truly retarded people.
  • i should goto work tomorrow. just called and discovered that they don't need anyone tomorrow.

  • 3-22-01 (21:07)

  • "Beliefs are dangerous. Beliefs allow the mind to stop functioning. A non-functioning mind is clinically dead. Believe in nothing..."
  • ucla lost, my day can't get much worse.
  • fuck cbs for not even allowing me to watch the game.
  • i've got absolutely nothing to do and it's pretty depressing.

  • 3-22-01 (15:37)

  • got about 9 miles from home and then the car stopped. ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.
  • aaa tow truck came by and towed it to this place in davis - didn't know there was a vw place in davis. then i got a ride from them to the amtrak station. i've got me two huge bags with me this whole time. i'm wearing my "let the fucking begin" t-shirt.
  • i walk into amtrak and ask for a ticket to los angeles - the gay says that then next one leaves at 5:35pm and won't get to la until 2:30am. i ask him a few questions about other possible routes via bus, train, going through sacramento first, etc. - anything to get me there are a bit faster. he says - "you've got the schedule right there" (he has previously handed it to me, but it's written in greek). then he says "as a side note you may want to cover up your shirt because the conductor might not like it." to hear this was unpleasant. i more or less ignored him and asked him another question about the schedule. he said again that i'd have to change my shirt so i picked up my bags and started to leave. he called at me and asked if i wanted to keep the reservation or not. i ignored him and went to a pay phone. he told me that i couldn't use that phone unless i had a calling card. then he asked if i wanted to keep the reservation. i said no. he asked me to speak up and i repeated "no, thanks." then i left and got some change at subway sandwiches. went to the phone outside and it didn't work. so i sat around for a bit and decided to give the asshole another chance. luckily for me someone else was working there. i asked for a ticket and he proceded to hook that up. then the other guy comes back in a says "i'm not going to let you buy a ticket unless you cover up that shirt." i asked why and he replied "because it's offensive...this is a family business and that shirt is offensive." "to whom is it offensive" i asked. "to me, my wife and my children" he replied. to which he added "just like if someone with body odor were to come in and try to purchase a ticket - we wouldn't let them because it's offensive. it's our policy." i really thought about breaking his face, but elected not to. then he asked me "would you want to sit next to someone with body odor?" i said that i wouldn't mind because i'm a tolerant person and that i remember that the other person is a human, just like me. i don't think this made sense to him. at this point he said that i had two choices - i could remove the shirt and wear a different one or i could leave. i told him that i was going to buy my ticket and that if any of the passengers had a problem with the shirt then i'd cover it up, but that i wasn't going to cover it up for him. then he pulled the trump card..."i'm going to ask that you leave or i will call the police." i replied "i'd like that." so he called the police and eventually some white guy with a badge came by and we all went outside to sort through this whole mess. he told the officer that i had refused to change my shirt and that i refused to leave. i told the officer that he was discriminating against me just because i was wearing something that he found offensive. i told him that when asked he refused to produce any sort of documentation or formal declaration stating that offensive clothing was not allowed by amtrak. because the other guy was willing to sell me the ticket and because the first guy didn't produce anything stating that their policy was to not allow people with "offensive clothing" to purchase tickets i thought i had a good argument for discrimination by this one individual. basically the cop backed up big business and said that since it was a private institution that they had the right to discriminate. i asked him where they drew the line - race, weight, ugly faces, people with beards, guys with long hair, people with shirts that say "fuck,"...where do they draw that line? the cop didn't have a real answer, but just said that "clearly in this case he's in the right." i replied "i feel like i'm in texas in the 1950s. i can't believe you two are so simple-minded. i mean i'm a political science major and i understand how things work, but i didn't know that it existed like this in davis." ..."calling us names isn't going to get you any where sir." said the cop, to which he added "you may be a political science major, but i've been in the force for 21 years and have had a lot more experience than you. you've obviously not experienced life, because you just need to know where the lines are..." something to that effect. then he added "you've got two choices - you can leave the premises or you can get arrested."..."what happens if you arrest me?" i asked. "i take you to the station and cite you and then you have to appear in court." this didn't sound very exciting to me, i had rather gone to jail and done some real time...going to court on my own volition at a later time just seemed like a stupid formality so it didn't really sound like it was all that special. so i said "well i guess i'll just leave then. you wanna give me a ride?" the cop asked where i lived and i told him and he agreed. so while he was driving me home we talked a bit. i told him about the hitchhiking trip last year and i told him that i didn't understand how someone could be so intolerant and not only that, but actively intolerant. i tried, unsuccessfully, to relay the fact that there is a fundamental difference between not accpeting something about a person and actively trying to change them because of it. i told him that alienating, disenfrancishing, and subjugating people because you didn't agree with them is vastly different from simply disagreeing with them. i told him that i believed that people should be able to express themselves and that people should also be more tolerant of differences, but i also acknowledged that (sadly) that's not how the world is and this experience was testament to that. he said "it's a private business so there's not much i can do..." i said "yea well i guess we see yet another negative consequence of capitalism." implying that if businesses were government run then the so called "right to refuse" service wouldn't be used to discriminate against people. he didn't really get it.
  • so two spring breaks in a row i've been in a cop car.
  • my dad once told me a story about when he was a hippie and had long hair and the bus driver refused to give him a ride because he had long hair. this world hasn't come very far.
  • i was thinking the other night about thus spoke zarathustra - the nietzsche book - and how it nietzsche's life relates a lot to dungey. dungey has been more or less alienated by all his peers because he's a post-modern thinker and in today's society we value science more than post-modern philosophic thought. nietzsche was rejected by his peers and he basically lived alone his whole life, but in thus spoke zarathustra the character of zarathustra is basically just a figure who represents nietzsche. in the book zarathustra leaves the mountains (his cave) and goes back into society and when he tries to interact with the people he finds that none of them suit him...they laugh at him, they don't understand him, they reject his ideas and he's basically forced away. i think that in a lot of ways that must be how dungey feels. and it's definitely how i feel a lot of the time. i write on here all the time how i have only a few friends, how people don't usually understand me, etc. but for the most part i still fit in. i can only imagine how it must have been to be someone like nietzsche, to basically live like a hermit and be viewed as an outcast - like a ted kaczynski type. last night i was really really sad thinking about nietzsche and how bad it must have felt to be so alienated. it really hurts me to think about that. and all this comes from people like the fat guy at amtrak who don't feel secure enough unless everyone is like them.
  • so don't be an asshole to people. disagree with everyone you wish, but don't be an asshole about it. it's a hard thing to do, at least it is for me. i try to be accepting, but i see fundamentalists with their signs predicting the apocalypse and i can't stop thinking about how dumb they are and i just want to tell them that they really have it all wrong. i guess what separates me from the amtrak guy is that i wouldn't actively alienate those people. i wouldn't refuse service to someone at the library just because they have a shirt that says "i love jesus and if you don't then you're going to burn!" i'd pity them, i'd talk about them behind their back, but i wouldn't refuse to service them. and, now that i've had an experience that every black man in the south has had a billion times by the time he's my age, i'm going to be even more acutely aware of alienating people.
  • i'm going to bomb amtrak tomorrow.
  • it's a good thing my car broke down because i had forgotten my razor and shaving cream.
  • i told the cop the churchill quote "capitalism is the worst system in the world, except for all the others." because i had mentioned the limitations of capitalism and then i said that he also said "the arabs are a backward people who eat nothing but camel dung." and said that i guess i don't agree completely with what churchill says because of that. he said "i guess he ran into just the worst of them or something." i thought that was kinda funny.
  • who knows when the car will be fixed and who knows when it'll be done - they're not open on sunday so if it's not done by tomorrow then i'll be here until monday. that would suck. fuck this situation in the anus. that's definitely the first time i've used the word "anus" on my webpage. now i've used it twice in one bullet point.
  • on my way out of davis i saw dungey in his white 80s porsche and waved to him - he waved back. i was thinking about visiting him since i have nothing better to do.
  • this way i get to watch the basketball game, it better be televised or i'm going to break some knee caps.

  • 3-22-01 (00:48)

  • well i know i did well on my sociology of deviance paper because i already talked to the TA about that. the rest of my final performances are up in the air. i don't really know what to expect. i don't think i did that well on the whole, but we shall see. really it shouldn't matter - i should just grade myself based upon what i feel i've learned. nietzsche class - A+, sociology of deviance class - B, film class - B, sociology of the family class - B+...so those are my grades and anything to the contrary is bullshit.
  • going on my hegira tomorrow. i plan to slough all remnants of stress and disorder that have marked this last week. one more quarter to go and i shouldn't worry about that until the day of.
  • i didn't know that paypal paid 4.2% on your balance...that's pretty fucking good.
  • i've got to figure out some way of getting money from my credit card into cash...a lot of it. i don't have those checks that they give you, i think there's a limit on atm cash advances, and if i were to go through paypal and then withdraw the money it would take too long. hmmm. should have worried about this earlier. i'm still going to buy a car while i'm in la.
  • great minds think alike, but this holds doubly true for weak ones.
  • i don't really plan on checking my email more than once while i'm on break so you probably shouldn't bother.
  • heard some great news about bush today - he's making plans to undo more of the environmental legislation that passed in the final clinton days. bush is doing a good job of making me hate him. it seems that every day he's up to something new.
  • i love reading excerpts from his speeches because i can hear him saying it in my mind. his broken speech giving style is so damn funny. i want him to die. not kidding.
  • i really hope that the bug does well on it's 400 mile trip tomorrow.
  • got my evaluation at work today - she said that everything is good, but that i "should smile more" and should ask for work when i'm not busy. guess i'm not as productive as the ideal library worker would be. i get a quarter raise, almost forgot about that part.
  • when melanie is up here i'll watch more movies and that will be good.
  • hopefully the next time i write on this page i'll be the proud owner of a new vehicle - whether it be a ford escort or a geo metro.
  • just had a mean case of deja vu.
  • gotta sleep.

  • 3-21-01 (12:42)

  • printing that sucka out right now. it's pretty scattered and overall not as good as i would have liked, but it'll have to do. writing about nietzsche borders on impossible when you only have 7 pages. i should have made my subject more narrow. such is life.
  • it's actually really sad to read nietzsche and see what he thought of himself, others, and see how people treated him. but we know that the world isn't fair so...
  • gotta get to work now.
  • got some sleep and that was good.
  • i had too many granola bars.

  • 3-21-01 (05:20)

  • have a maximum of two pages left to go. i'll probably just write one more paragraph and then the conclusion.
  • my girlfriend is the shit.
  • i'm not very tired.

  • 3-21-01 (01:10)

  • have an even longer day ahead of me tomorrow (actually later today since i won't be getting any sleep tonight).
  • have to write the nietzsche paper, goto work, study for my film final, take my film final and then be done with the quarter.
  • the next morning i leave for la.
  • sometime before i leave i plan on putting on the last bit of beading on the car and maybe adjusting the valves.
  • called the cops because are manager types were yelling at each other. she kept saying "you don't touch my son..." so i figured it'd be best to put all that to a stop.
  • reading the prologue to thus spoke zarathustra has got to be one of the most academic undertakings of my academic career. it's some dense shit and the more you know, the more it makes sense and the more amazing it becomes. at the same time it's so wrought with symbolism and is quite cryptic at times that it borders on frustrating.
  • looked into teaching type stuff - what i need to do before i start applying, how i go about applying, etc. all this shit costs a lot of money...the cbest set me back 40 bucks, then there are three other tests which cost 70 bucks each, plus a registration fee. then there's a grad. letter service which holds letters of recommendations which i gather from former employers, TAs, professors, mentors, etc. and they store all the letters i get for up to three years and send them out to wherever i apply. kinda nice to have since i'm not going to be in contact with a lot of the people who i plan on getting recommendations from while i'm applying for credential programs or grad schools. of course the convience costs 65 bucks.
  • i'm going to buy a car while i'm in la. thus began chris's down-going.
  • i should get cracking.

  • 3-20-01 (01:31)

  • i thought it would never be the twentieth of march, but here it is. almost the one year anniversary of the hitchhiking trip. what a trip. every time i hear the trains pass in the distance i think of the trip; i really can't hear train whistles the same way ever again.
  • put beading on two more fenders - one to go and that part of the car will be done, finally.
  • lava soap is good and all, but fast orange is even better. it's got that little exfoliating sand type shit (pumice) in it that makes it even more effective for cleaning off the oil and other such grunge. my hands are almost completely clean - except in the recesses where i've been cut and such.
  • think i like colgate more than crest.
  • i just want finals to be done with.
  • long day tomorrow.
  • sleeping on the floor has been good overall, but my back still has problems on occasion. hopefully i spend a lot of time on my back this spring break. or something.
  • my room is a mess and i like it that way for now.
  • www.jdpower.com seems a pretty good site for car information. was able to find out what kind of tires i'd need for a metro there. then i shot over go www.bigo.com and got a price quote for those tires. pretty nifty.
  • i'm going to sleep. have a paper to write tomorrow. probably should study for the film final, that'll probably wait until the paper has been turned in.
  • when my car started up tonight after working on the timing it was the sweetest sound i had heard in a long time. once again, i uncontrollably sprayed my shorts.
  • some guy named jeff came up to me at 1am or so when i was working on the car. we talked about the car and finals. nice guy who has 2 finals on his birthday this thursday. he transferred from china so he's only a junior and he's turning 23. nothing wrong with that.

  • 3-19-01 (22:46)

  • all those damn tree saving liberals and their powered hand dryers are to blame for the energy crisis.
  • have 3 good ford escorts to look at while i'm in la. also have about 4-6 metros which look pretty good.
  • it hit 82 degrees today. i'm actually very warm right now. i had forgotten what it was like to be warm.
  • it would be very funny if i got to bakersfield and the bug died. ha ha ha. ugh
  • the lakers suck and that is good.
  • as predicted my ranking dropped from 1,461 out of over 500,000 to 10,246 out of 500,000 in the ncaa rankings. i'm now in the 97th percentile. i am a loser and i suck.
  • i need to get home by 7pm on thursday to watch the ucla game. i should leave before noon.
  • georgetown could surprise a lot of people.
  • yahoo sports poll has the ucla-duke matchup as the most intriguing sweet 16 matchup, as voted for by the people. i actually picked kansas-illinois, but ucla-duke is a close second, and is the game i'd rather watch.
  • rather than wasting away writing on this piece i'm going to put the seal on the decklid of my car. i'm sure i'll be back with exciting news that my engine has been stolen or something.

  • 3-19-01 (19:20)

  • the car runs, oh rejoice. note to self: don't assume you have a centrifugal advance distributor without checking first.
  • took car for a test drive and seems to be doing fairly well, will adjust valves again some time before i leave because i like to push my luck. may as well test the compression again while i'm at it.
  • need to eat.
  • should get to work on the paper earlier tomorrow, rather than later.
  • work was slow at first and then fun later on. work three hours tomorrow: 3-6. also seeing a teaching credential advisor tomorrow to make sure i've got things right in my head. sent out the cbest registration today, i'm forty bucks poorer.
  • i hope ucla beats duke's ass. what would happen if ucla played gonzaga? i'll not think about that.
  • shit, tomorrow is tuesday and i don't have class - i should play basketball with the kdvs crew. i'm going to do that. basketball is fun and a good way to put off a paper on nietzsche.
  • "what's a fat man without food in his gut?"

  • 3-18-01 (23:13)

  • the ncaa tourney is kinda like the american dream in basketball - anyone can win at any given time, they just need to work hard and sometimes have a little luck. of course it's also like the american dream because only 64 teams get to be in the tournament in the first place.
  • got to watch part of the gonzaga game and part of the michigan state game. i predict michigan state to win by 9, but that score won't reflect how close it'll be...i think gonzaga will hang within 3-6 points until the last 3-4 minutes.
  • i think temple is the dark horse of the tourney - usc was ranked higher and has less of a chance against kentucky than temple does against penn state. although the line on KY is only -4 because they're kind of a sporadic team (like ucla). in the la times it said of the first round ucla match up against hofstra "they (ucla) will win by 20, unless they lose by 20." it sounds crazy, but it's painfully accurate of ucla - who will show up against duke - the dr. jekyl or mr. hyde version of ucla? i don't know, but i know that they've got the talent to beat any team in the tournament.
  • i think georgetown could upset maryland, but i wouldn't count on it. i don't think mississippi will beat arizona. i've been impressed with the big victories by kansas. i was surprised to see penn state beat unc, at the same time i wasn't surprised to see unc lose...hope that makes sense.
  • all this march madness stuff really is exciting, can't wait until the 22nd. i think it's pretty cool that coach lavin (of ucla) benched two of his starters in the last game for leaving study hall an hour early. that takes balls and integrity. the great john wooden once said that the bench is the greatest tool a coach has.
  • watched part of the simpsons today - the who were guests on it and at the very end they played "won't get fooled again" - it was sublime. just great. it felt like everything in the show was coming together perfectly and the song capped it off just amazingly. i think i sprayed my shorts.
  • that's right, it's officially spring here in davis. i've worn shorts three days in a row now. some amazing stuff.
  • work from 12-5 tomorrow.
  • cleaned the carburetor today, going to see how/if the car runs tomorrow.
  • trued my front bike wheel - it hardly has wobble at all now.
  • it's always nice to do things, which normally cost money, for yourself for free.
  • there's no one i'd rather hear talk about basketball than magic johnson - he knows his shit and makes it sound so fucking cool. that infectous smile of his doesn't hurt either. i can't remember the last time i saw him describing a past game, but it's been too long.
  • i've actually got a good little list of cars i'm going to look into while i'm in la. then there's always the car dealerships.
  • i like soundgarden more than i remembered.

  • 3-18-01 (01:21)

  • "The average length of time a Yahoo! shareholder holds Yahoo! shares is seven days." dotcom revolution? hmmm
  • haven't updated nearly as much as usual lately.
  • had my first final today, so i've got two down (because i wrote a paper in lieu of another final) and i've got two to go; both on wednesday - one is a paper and the other is a final.
  • i've been thinking about it and i really actually need to find a car fairly soon. called a bunch of geo metro owners today and think i got one or two decent leads. i'll call the rest tomorrow and then make a list of ones to setup meeting times with for when i'm in town.
  • ice cream is good.
  • melanie is the shit.
  • bs2000 album is very cool, better than the first.
  • ucla kicks ass and so does usc. the pac-10 is doing really well, arizona should win tomorrow which will leave 4 pac-10 teams in the sweet 16 - very sweet. only lost one out of the 8 games tonight, tomorrow could be a different story. i was very surprised to see boston college get knocked out, but i'm glad that usc did it.
  • it was genuinely warm today, though not entirely sunny.
  • work from 3-6 tomorrow.
  • read part of this philosophy book today, it was pretty dense shit, but this guy was making a claim about rationality and the viability of an a priori sense of knowledge. i wasn't really able to embrace it, but i'd like to learn more about epistemological questions like that.
  • this summer trip is going to be very nice.
  • i've managed to neglect laundry for over a month - that is remarkable given the paucity of clothing in my wardrobe. i really do look like a bum sometimes. i wear the same shorts and shirts for a few days in a row. for the most part i don't car and that is nice. i like not taking a shower every day or always having crisp clean clothes. it's nice that i can get away with it too (i mean odor-wise).
  • computers crashed at the library today so we were going to have to check out books manually by writing down the bar codes of the book and the patron's libary card...it was just going to be a pain in the ass. luckily the network reset itself. society is so dependent upon technology it's sick. i said to one of the patrons "now you know what the unambomber was talking about." she gave a nervous laugh and walked away. to her the unabomber is a psycho redneck.
  • vern changed the channel to the wwf smackdown tonight and i was thrilled to see how far we have come as a society. two asian wrestlers were talking shit, as all wrestlers do. the odd thing was that their lips were moving, but they weren't in synch with what was being said - it was a play on hong kong dubbed films. i thought it was rather inventive and very progressive of the world wide wrestling federation (wwf) to be using such antiquated and racist jokes. (that's my being sarcastic by the way). what made it all worse was when the play by play announcers were talking about them and commenting on how "it's funny how it takes so many words to say something in their language compared to english." or how "they look like goldfish." frankly it made me feel very bad to be white, male, american, human, or otherwise associated with those fucking idiots.
  • it's funny because recently jason williams (sacramento kings basketball player) was admonished for saying some racist comment to an asian fan who was bothering him. the funny thing is that they made a huge deal out of that, and yet completely ignore the wwf. the wwf does far more racist, bigoted, simple mindedness than one comment from jason williams can.
  • the people upstairs are retarded.
  • the final today didn't go as planned, but that's life at it's most real.
  • i maintain my lack of hope for humanity.
  • the whole black beret business is so ludicrous i find it sad that anyone would bother to mention it on his website.
  • since i leave on the 22nd i'm going to miss the ucla versus duke/missouri game (probably end up being duke). fuck. i should get my dad to tape that for me. that's a game i'd really like to see. i guess there's a chance they're going to play at 7pm. maybe i could end up watching it then. we'll see.
  • i should get some sleep.

  • 3-16-01 (23:54)

  • 24/32 for the tourney so far so i'd have 24 points out of 32, but that'll change in the next round. the only big loss was virginia losing to gonzaga because i had them beating oklahoma in the second round, so i'm still in good shape. on the yahoo site i'm in the top 1,461 out of 526,644.
  • i've got a final tomorrow. i should get to studying for that. i don't think i'm very prepared for it at all.
  • ice cream is my vice.
  • have a ford escort i'm looking at which could be good.
  • realized today that after i take the bug down to la i'll have no way of checking out cars up here so i don't know what the hell i'm going to do. better find a car while i'm in la. jeesh.
  • after tomorrow i'll have one paper and one final left, they're both on wednesday. so having a few days off from school will be nice. naturally i have work everyone of those days, but not having school will be something of a break.
  • tomorrow should be interesting.

  • 3-16-01 (00:47)

  • 13 out of 16 on the ncaa picks. we shall see what tomorrow holds.
  • today was stressful.
  • updated movies list.
  • one week from now i'll be home.

  • 3-15-01 (17:36)

  • today has been very very hectic. wow.
  • got the paper turned in and that could have gone more smoothly.
  • got my grade adjusted for my sociology portfolio.
  • so far today i've predicted 7 out of 8 outcomes correctly in the ncaa tourney.
  • i'm going to watch some tv.

  • 3-15-01 (07:38)

  • i do much better without taking naps before writing.
  • finished it, will proofread and such at a later time.
  • maybe i can catch some shut eye right quick.
  • "Anybody who lived the way this guy was living -- he lived in a little shack with no power -- something's wrong...He wasn't your usual-type person." -- resident of Unabomber's montana town.
  • good to know that people are so progressive these days.
  • can't wait to go home.
  • can't wait for today to be over, it's going to be a long day so i'm going to sleep some.

  • 3-15-01 (03:26)

  • updated movies list.
  • updated cdlist.
  • started my paper, barely.
  • i've always thought that the second album of pink floyd's the wall should be the first, and the first should be the second.
  • here's pretty cool little quiz for those of you who need a confidence boost or something.

  • 3-14-01 (23:36)

  • look everybody it's a falling stock market. whoop whoop. we all knew this was coming, at least we should have. i sure did, i just thought it was going to happen 3 years ago, guess i was wrong, but right. at least this way we can blame it on a lack of consumer confidence thanks to bush. :)
  • have a paper due tomorrow. also have a quiz in that class so that's going to be fun.
  • work was decent.
  • march madness begins tomorrow and that is good.
  • i wish people read things without worrying about who wrote them. that's one reason that when i quote things on my page i often leave out the source. i want people to make a judgement on the merits of what is said without knowing who said it. who cares if emerson said it or if kaczynski said it, the words are the same and so should your reaction to them.
  • wonder if puffy is going to get the axe.
  • i'm going to eat and then work on the paper.

  • 3-14-01 (17:41)

  • work in 20 minutes.
  • updated movies list.
  • have a long night ahead of me, haven't gotten any work done for that paper. the paper is worth 45% of my grade, it'll make or break me for sure.

  • 3-13-01 (23:42)

  • today was kinda on the long side.
  • ice cream for breakfast works about as well as anything else.
  • last dungey class was today. he told us how this was the best quarter he has ever had as a teacher and felt it was really rewarding. i got goosebumps and he ended up crying. then, of course, he got a standing ovation which is pretty cool considering how hard the desks make it to stand up. actually it's not cool just for that reason, i'm just being silly. har har. seriously though, dungey is the shit and i'm going to talk with him tomorrow.
  • tomorrow will mostly suck thanks to the paper which is due on thursday. the good thing about that is that it's in lieu of my final so i'll get one out of the way a few days before most people will even start taking theirs.
  • updated movies list.
  • been swamped lately.
  • thinking about watching a movie before i goto bed - a short one which i've already seen before, but it's good, due on friday, and short so it's an option.
  • it's funny how much some facts change. population facts are constantly changing, political systems are always changing (sometimes not so subtly), what we consider scientific facts are even changing. naturally most facts don't change, but there are still so many facts which change with time. some former facts turn into history and others turn into myths or superstition or are just outmoded in general.
  • if i watch a movie then i pretty much have to have some ice cream, but i already brushed my teeth. decisions decisions.
  • today was more or less the first day of spring. i wore shorts during the weekend, but was slightly cold. today i could have gotten away with wearing shorts no problem.
  • isn't orbital supposed to come out with something new very soon?
  • heard the new daft punk album isn't so great.
  • i still download off napster without much trouble. guess if i searched for "britney spears" more often then i'd run into trouble.
  • it's always amazing to me how little some people struggle with life. i think that buddhists or nietzscheans would see that and think that those people are just missing the point of life. i think i'd agree. obviously i don't think seeking pain or suffering is good, but struggle is. i'm not talking struggle with regards to what you're going to wear to your wedding or having a fight with your new significant other. i'm talking struggling with deeper questions that life present daily...existence, meaning, direction, etc. some people really don't ever seriously question what they're doing with themselves. they just see that everyone else is wearing gap, think that it's cool, and go on wearing it. others think that the gap is the devil and will never wear it. i just want people to seriously question things, from why they're wearing what they're wearing to what they want to do with their life. i don't mind if people come to a different conclusion than i have - in fact i celebrate when someone has truly questioned things.
  • i also think that people feel like they are questioning things, but without an education - or some exposure to higher levels of thought - it's extremely difficult to question things at a level which will be conducive to any sort of change. i'm brain dead right now so i can't come up with any examples, but i think you get the point and you probably see it around you, and if you're really cool, within yourself.
  • can't wait to get to la. i've got a hot date with my mom lined up, even a day set aside for the old pops. oh, and then there's that melanie girl who hangs around sometime; she's pretty nifty.
  • i'm going to eat ice cream and watch el mariachi. good film, better than the remake - desperado. what a delight it was to see it on the big screen when no one even knew who robert rodriguez was. by the time four rooms came out they knew.

  • 3-12-01 (23:29)

  • what song is it that says "it's getting, it's getting, it's getting kinda hectic..."? i forget, but it is.
  • one paper down, one due on thursday (sociology) which will require not much writing, but lots of prep., and one due next wednesday (nietzsche) which will require not too much writing, but a good amount of gathering my thoughts.
  • got my midterm back from last quarter's dungey class - an 87 which means that i was really close to a b+ in that class. wish i could have gotten that because i know i deserved it.
  • weather has been really nice lately, it was even hot today if you spent enough time in the sun.
  • sent out a bunch of bills today so that's a weight off the shoulders.
  • have a new metro lead - 1995, manual, newly charged a/c, white (with some kind of potentially wack decal), 100K miles, one owner, and "if you make an offer i'll probably take it." it's this couple who have two cars and just can't afford the car anymore, it needs some work, but they're willing to take that into account on the price. so i'm thinking that i'll tell them to get the two tires replaced and get it tuned up like it needs and, so long as everything else on it is legit and the mechanics don't find any potential problems, then i'll make an offer on the way low side (1500?) and see if they take it.
  • then there's an escort in davis 1993 (not as good a year as a 95 metro), red, 94k miles, some small scratches, newly tuned, a/c, new brakes, new tags, smogged, $1800. we shall see. it's in davis so it doesn't hurt to bike over to their place and check it out.
  • i've got five movies to watch by friday, otherwise dem fees start to stack up.
  • one of these days i'll have enough time to discuss all the deep issues which have been on my mind lately. i've wanted to talk about all sorts of things from the influence the past has one people to more ramblings on the existence of humans.
  • took a quick glance at some freud today - if he was right then this world sucks more than it already does.
  • i should get some sleep soon.
  • yesterday was rather shitty, but i had an old friend there to help me out. his name was jack daniels. actually it was melanie, but if it was jack daniels you'd think i was cooler, right?
  • i really want to watch more horror films now. i've never been really into them, but after watching two of the greatest horror films of all time, and another which was directed by one of the greats, i've decided that horror films are on the cool list and i should sink myself into them for the next few video rental trips.
  • the internet is mostly boring.
  • my back is doing better.
  • march is going quickly and that is very good.
  • you should tell someone you care about them today.

  • 3-12-01 (02:14)

  • been pretty damned busy lately.
  • updated movies list.
  • going to start writing my english film paper pretty soon, decided to do it on horror films and how they differ in creating atmosphere. let me just say that romero kicks ass and that i'm going to have to start watching more horror flicks.
  • i actually ended up watching mark borchardt's two favorite horror films today. pretty cool.

  • 3-11-01 (02:19)

  • updated movies list.
  • hopefully i'll get control of my life tomorrow.

  • 3-10-01 (22:00)

  • haven't been writing much lately.
  • life has just been coasting along
  • just had deja vu, seriously, that's weird.
  • think i decided on my movies for the paper on monday.

  • 3-9-01 (22:54)

  • the joys of mid-engine cars. this is a crazy machine, just look at the pictures.

  • 3-9-01 (15:21)

  • going to get working on the car soon enough.
  • went to the bank and asked about traveler's checks and she said that they charge "1.5 percent per hundred dollars." i thought about informing her that that was redundant, but decided against it. a funny moment in the day nonetheless.
  • work wasn't too bad.
  • rap is good.
  • sleep last night didn't go so well.
  • i'm very thirsty.
  • got one compliment for my shirt today and had one black woman staring at me. her being black is relevant because, well i'll just fetch the shirt design right quick...

  • heard a vicious rumor that chris cornell might replace zack de la rocha for ratm, hmmm.
  • was trying to make an argument against the tate ruling in flordia (he's the 14 year old who killed the 6 year old two years ago by wrestling with her). apparently the damage was so bad that it couldn't have been a complete accident, but he's also mentally deficient and there might be some question as to whether he could separate the truth of wrestling from the wwf. well florida gave him 99 years in prison so i guess he'll have time to think about it. kris from work was really happy to hear the results of the trial. i tried to make an argument that maybe 99 years was a bit excessive, but she wouldn't have any of that. in fact the only time she didn't actively disagree with me was when i shifted gears and said rather exhaustedly "i think anyone who fucks up should be killed anyway." i guess she didn't have a problem with that.

  • 3-8-01 (23:09)

  • stanford gets beat. hell yea.
  • accepting the things you can't change is one of the hardest things for humans.
  • the lecture "beyond the big bang" was mostly a look at the origin of the universe from a "strictly objective scientific" standpoint. by claiming that he was being scientific, rational, logical, and objective he turned me off right away. a year ago it might have been an interesting argument, but i've grown weary of objectivity and logic since then. i just don't buy into them. they're interesting for thought experiments, but to me not very good when looking for a metaphysical answer to life or to the origin thereof. logic has it's place, and metaphysics isn't one of them.
  • to me the smartest people admit that they don't know things and they don't take stances (or maybe take all stances) on issues. maybe either believing in nothing or believing in everything is the best course. if you believe in nothing, or believe in everything then your world will never come crashing down, you and your beliefs are fluid and ever-changing. this doesn't make you fickle or capricious, rather it makes you well rounded. liking all music makes you cultured or worldly, it earns respect because it shows diversity, why can't this apply to ideologies? well because ideologies are yes and no statements - should abortion be allowed - yes or no, black and white. at least that's the way we are trained to think. is there a god? i don't know. should abortion be allowed? i don't know. when i brought this up with jon he used a quote from four rooms which essentially says one who makes fewer declarative statements will be less likely to look like a fool later on. something to that effect.
  • i think people should be more willing to give the answer "i don't know" - despite what you've been told by socrates, et al ("virtue is knowledge") it is okay not to know things. this obviously doesn't apply to all life, but i think that you're all smart enough to figure out when it does or does not apply. one thing that has impressed me about my dad is that he is always able to take the opposing side with equal fervor as the other. he's a good devil's advocate. one thing that has impressed me about dungey is that he isn't afraid to say that he struggles with ideological questions, he admits that he doesn't know where he stands on some issues. i think if one is cut and dry on everything they believe then either a) they know all the answers to the world or b) they haven't thought about the issues thoroughly enough. there are, obviously, some issues which you will answer quite readily, others will take some time not, and yet more will never present themselves as answerable throughout your life. the boring person is the person who is fixed in their beliefs. though it may be fun to argue with them at first you will soon find that there is no point. on the other end of the spectrum there are people like doc who stand in the middle on everything - those are the people that get boring even more quickly.
  • so the tax cut proposal rolled through the house. then there's the republican measure which defeats the clinton backed ergonomic standards in the work place which looks like it's going to be passed. we are actually taking away workers' rights, that's really amazing to me. the country is fucked. what's more amazing is that the republicans see it as helping business rather than hurting workers. it's funny because just the other day i was reading what nader had to say about tort reform (or what he referred to as tort deform in the hands of the likes of bush).
  • bush on how to prevent school shootings: "we need to teach our children right from wrong." that's about the only thing that i've agreed with bush on since i heard of the silly bastard. there is a difference between ideology and implementation though, and that is what i fear.
  • to tell people that the reason they shouldn't do things is because god isn't going to let you into heaven or because it's not right according to this set of rules which has been ordained from above doesn't seem to be the best way. it's just like having laws - if the only reason you don't commit crimes is because they're against the law then that's pretty sad and rather fleeting actually. because as soon as you know, or think, you can get away with it then you're scot free. so if the cop isn't looking over your shoulder then you can do it and if you don't believe in god then you're clear on that account as well. then there isn't anything holding you back. if the answer came from within, if you had your own conceptions of right and wrong then you're bound to those by yourself and that's more effective than rules from the outside or from above. the trick is ensuring that everyone has the same inner conceptions of right and wrong - this seems impossible without mass indoctrination. that's the hard part.
  • nietzsche thinks that mass indoctrination and domestication of what is right and wrong is the great injustice of history. but what is practical is indeed a mass indoctrination - religious, moral, political, educational, etc. - by any means get people to think that the same things are good or bad. without that cohabitation is impossible. the police can't be everywhere, the law isn't omnipotent or omnipresent. if society is able to make each person their own self-policing unit then society benefits, but true freedom is constricted, perhaps lost. that's the old dilemma of politics, and thus, cohabitation in general. i don't know what the answer is, but i don't think it's faith based programs funded by the government or mass indoctrination which includes learning that women comprise original temptation/sin, we're all sinners, sinning is bad and you should feel guilty and bad about yourself, heaven is waiting, but only for good people, and all the other horrible things that go along with religions of various sorts. i like that religion tells you not to kill people, but it pretty much fails me from there on. i think the bible is probably on of the most socially retarding books of all time.
  • i'm going to get some sleep soon.
  • tomorrow i shall make some headway on the car project and hopefully i get it all squared away before dusk.
  • not knowing where you're going isn't so bad. we all experience the pain of not knowing where we're going on some level. for some it's "i don't know if i'm going to be a doctor or a lawyer when i graduate" or "i don't know if i'm going to yale or stanford" for others it means a bit more, but the truth is that not knowing is fine and we should learn to accept it, and even, like it. how many times have you heard people agonizing over their not knowing where they're going in life? it's a distressing feeling, but that's because we've had this thought engrained in our heads that we need to know where we're going, we have to have goals. having goals is fine, but not having goals is okay too. having those goals change is also fine.
  • 16 more days and i'll be hanging out with melanie. one of these days i won't have to count the days anymore.

  • 3-8-01 (18:21)

  • changed the oil and replaced the generator bolt because it was stripped pretty bad. tomorrow i'll do the real tune-up stuff. should be sucky. wish i had a hydraulic jack and some jack stands.
  • lava soap is very handy.
  • been thinking about the trip nonstop
  • i'm lazy when it comes to changing the cds in my cd player. i don't use the shuffle option very often in fact, hardly ever.
  • going to the big bang lecture with jon at 7pm, have no idea when that'll be over. it'll be interesting to see what a theologian has to say about all that stuff. not that i really care, i think i've given up on knowing what is beyond me, and i think that's a conclusion that takes a lot of people a lot longer to reach. there's nothing wrong with not being able to answer the question "do you believe in a god." i think that a lot of people feel they have to take one side on that issue. i actually don't think the existence of a god really matters. if i did believe in a god (which sometimes i do and sometimes i don't) then i wouldn't think that it was all powerful or all good or all bad or determined my fate or any of that crap. so, for all intents and purposes, the existence of a higher force wouldn't really matter anyway. when i do believe in a god i believe in it as a force which just is. it's just there and it's neither wholly good or wholly bad, it doesn't interfere with our lives, it's just a cosmic body or something.
  • we'll see what mr. phd from some ivy league has to say about it all. i'll report back on that.
  • class tomorrow will be early and that's a shame.
  • i should have eaten something before changed the oil. i need to take the oil to a recycling place sometime. having a decent oil change pan is nice.
  • nine more classes and i'm done for the quarter.
  • the weather has been nice and i thank the lord above for granting us this pleasantness. i owe everything to the lord, i am but his tool.
  • winston churchill once said that democracy is the worst political system except all the others. he was very right in a lot of ways. remember that democracy doesn't necessitate capitalism, in fact they are counteractive in a lot of ways.
  • track 8 (wet tip hen ax) on "...i care because you do" is the shit.
  • money is the root of all evil. actually the real quote is "want of money is the root of all evil." there is a difference.
  • cell phones aren't the devil, most cell phone users are just insanely retarded.
  • i'm inclined to say that alcohol is the devil, but i don't want to align myself with fundamentalist midwestern shack dwellers.
  • alcohol and small pox did a lot for america and not much of it was good.
  • gotta jet. 18:45

  • 3-8-01 (16:42)

  • done for the day, that's a nice feeling.
  • think i'm going to this "beyond the big bang" lecture by some doctor of theology. it's sponsored by one of the christian organizations on campus. i wonder (not really) what would happen if someone tried to have a satanist organization on campus.
  • vern saw dungey at work today sadly he missed out on the chance to see him throw things at students and he didn't do as much ranting and raving has he sometimes does. nonetheless it was a valuable class.

  • 3-8-01 (02:00)

  • going to sleep soon.
  • tomorrow should be easy enough. it'll be hard to wake up for my 130 class though, i really don't want to go to it, but i should.
  • i'm poised to get some good grades if i step it up. hopefully i get inspired in the next two weeks.
  • i want to get another chemical brothers album sometime soon. i also want to finish off my orbital collection by picking up snivilizations.
  • thought i had all the stuff for my tune-up, but i need a spark plug wrench because the one i have is too small. utter gayness.
  • talking to dungey was good. talking to michael (sociology TA) was also good. he's got some graduate student 3-hour oral test on monday wherein he gets grilled by the faculty about sociological stuff and he's gotta be able to spit out all sorts of suporting evidence (from a massive list of articles) and make thoughtful arguments on the fly. sounds "so damn tough" (to sample the great kurtis blow).
  • it really is amazing how much kurtis blow has been sampled.
  • time to make my floor and sleep on it.

  • 3-8-01 (00:00)

  • it seems that just about everyone will say that a movie based upon fiction isn't going to be as good as the book. i wonder why so many people say that and why some even say that movies shouldn't be made from fiction. it seems that a lot of people seem to attach a negative label on movies when they're adopted from books, like they're borrowing from something that's already been done. they shouldn't even try to make a movie, or something to that effect. "movies always steal from literature" some people say. it just seems silly to me to squabble about movies taking ideas from books. movies don't go to books nearly as often as the other way around because once the movie has been made the images are already there, to write a book would be pretty silly. with a book there is so much that is left to the reader to interpret, and this is one of the things that is good, but limiting, about literature. with movies there is less room for interpretation because the images are there, the music, the framing, the mise en scene, the makeup, the costumes, the set, etc. but anyone who has seen enough movies with friends knows they're plenty open for interpretation too. what i'm saying is this - movies are fucking great and i like them more than fiction books. you may like fiction books more than movies - great i'll give you a plaque the next time i see you, but don't knock movies as ripping off books or claiming them to be a lower art form or anything like that because then i'm going to have to shove that plaque up your pompous ass.
  • by the way, i'm not thinking of anyone in particular or a certain incident, i'm just thinking.
  • the fat boys are back, and you know they'll never be wack.
  • i guess what i breaks down to is this - i don't like it when people claim "a" is better than "b." whether "a" is white people "b" b is black people or "a" is books and "b" is movies or "a" is high art and "b" is pop art.
  • saw steven, this guy i used to work with, while i was at work today. that was pretty cool since i haven't seen him in a long time. he's getting married sometime this year. i doubt i'll get invited, but it's still weird to have a friend getting married. he's 26 or 27 so it's not that weird i guess. i wonder who's wedding i'll be invited to first. that is to say, i wonder who, of my friends, will get married first.
  • got a good amount of stuff done today, felt productive enough.

  • 3-7-01 (17:40)

  • the whole school shooting shit is getting more and more out of hand these days...i heard of three more in the last day or two. one of them was a 14 year old girl shooting a 13 year old girl in her catholic school. if it had to happen i'm glad it happened in a catholic school - maybe it'll open more eyes. this i not only happening with lower class teenagers, it's not just a problem in the ghetto anymore (that lost its marketing appeal in the late 80s). it happens to girls and boys, pagans and catholics. hopefully it'll wake people up a little more. dubious.
  • what makes all this even more sad about it is the need to blame. do we blame video games, the internet, marilyn manson, the government, the guy who saw the warning signs, but didn't do anything about it...who do we blame? in this world someone is always to blame, there is always a cure, there is always a way it could have been prevented. wrong, wrong and wrong. there are ways it can be prevented, but it can never be stopped completely. there isn't always someone to blame, and it's almost never music, video games, or one person. there isn't always a cure in life, people need to realize that, too.
  • the thing that makes nietzsche dangerous is that he was smarter than most other philosophers, he questioned just about everything, and he's not to be spliced and diced for your own purposes - that is, he can be dangerous if you don't understand him (which is hard to do in the first place) and if you only know a little bit about him or his philosophy. nietzsche wasn't a nazi.
  • work in 20 minutes.
  • got a lot done today, saw dungey and my sociology ta.

  • 3-7-01 (02:00)

  • 7th day of march is here and that is good news.
  • time passing is always a good sign.
  • one of these days i'll die and that'll suck.
  • please make sure to grind me up and use me as compost, anything else would most likely be a waste.
  • please laugh a lot when i die, anything else would be no fun.
  • read part of the republic today. the thing about socrates is he really shows you that the more you think the more you realize that you know so little. strange because plato was all about making things known and definite. creating some rules and universal truth through the application of rational thought. really makes people like ayn rand seem elementary. and, thus, people like me not worth while.
  • good thing plato was wrong.
  • i haven't talked to luke in a while. he needs to update his webpage once in a while.
  • luke's interviews were always funny.
  • orbital is good, about as good as anything else i know.
  • melanie's better than orbital.
  • the movie tonight was good in a sense, but maybe i'm becoming too much of a hard ass in my old age to enjoy stuff like that.
  • i ustacould (used to be able to) laugh at horrible things.
  • i don't know what my stance is on being able to laugh at certain things. "they" say that nothing tells you more about a person than what they laugh at. maybe "they" are right.
  • i don't think
  • anything is always right
  • or always wrong.
  • not even republicans or fundamentalists are wholly bad or wrong. the only exception to that rule might be mormons.
  • maybe i'll hit up salt lake city on the trip.
  • maybe not.
  • if i get a cd player that plays cd-rs with mp3 files on them then i could have all my mp3s on just 3-4 cds. that would be very nice, though more expensive than if i were to burn all the songs onto audio cds.
  • cleaned my keyboard the other night. i was bored.
  • fans of the band "tool" seem to be more intelligent than other music fans i've come across.
  • a week from tomorrow will be the last day of class. a week from then i'll be driving home.
  • i should work on the bug on sunday. the parts should be here by then.
  • none of my family has seen the bug, except melanie.
  • got my first cd in two months today - in the mail. rem - up. bs2000 is also enroute.
  • i'm not saying much worth reading.
  • the fact that i even thought that goes to show you how much of a journal this is. at this point i'm obviously aware that i have an audience and that will make anything i write....you finish the sentence.
  • need to clean my room because it's a mess.
  • one paper due monday, one next thursday, one the wednesday after that. total of about 20 pages. that's pretty much cake. i remember the good old days when writing papers was an event worthy of a safeway trip. that was when i did drugs (read: mountain dew). then i passed out in the shower and decided against doing that ever again.
  • the kings won and that is good. when the kings win, we all win.
  • i like providing balance. i learned that from my dad, for better or worse.
  • i'm worried about becoming a dad and then sucking at it. if the first ever happens then the second may or may not happen. worry about it then.
  • the metro will be my ashram during this summer's hegira.
  • it's amazing how much one's brain can atrophy when not used fully. it's amazing what one forgets when one doesn't practice remembering.
  • i need to remember to eat and sleep more.
  • i need to forget a lot more.
  • there are things i'd like to remember such as names, facts, figures, but those don't matter so much as the things i'd like to forget.

  • 3-7-01 (00:15)

    you want to go out friday
    and you want to go forever.
    you know that it sounds childish
    that you've dreamt of alligators.
    you hope that we are with you
    and you hope you're recognized
    you want to go forever
    you see it in my eyes.
    I'm lost in the confusion
    and it doesn't seem to matter
    you really can't believe it
    and you hope it's getting better

    you want to trust the doctors
    their procedure is the best
    but the last try was a failure
    and the intern was a mess.
    and they did the same to Matthew
    and he bled 'til sunday night
    they're saying don't be frightened
    but you're weakened by the sight of it
    you lock into a pattern
    and you know that it's the last ditch
    you're trying to see through it
    and it doesn't make sense
    but they're saying don't be frightened
    and they're killing alligators
    and they're hog-tied
    and accepting of the struggle

    you want to trust religion
    and you know it's allegory
    but the people who are followers
    have written their own story.
    so you look up to the heavens
    and you hope that it's a spaceship
    and it's something from your childhood
    you're thinking don't be frightened

    you want to climb the ladder
    you want to see forever
    you want to go out friday
    and you want to go forever.
    and you want to cross your dna
    to cross your dna with something reptile.
    and you're questioning the sciences
    and questioning religion
    you're looking like an idiot
    and you no longer care.
    and you want bridge the schism,
    a built-in mechanism to protect you.
    and you're looking for salvation
    and you're looking for deliverance
    you're looking for deliverance
    you're looking like an idiot
    and you no longer care.
    you want to climb the ladder
    you want to see forever.
    you want to go out friday
    you want to go forever.

    3-6-01 (23:58)

  • updated movies list.
  • being through with monday and tuesday is always a relief.
  • i was reading something by tolstoy today in which he was talking about the whole idea that art can only be enjoyed by the few with knowledge enough to appreciate it. basically he said that that was a bunch of bullshit and that pompous assholes who claim that should suck an egg, or something. thank you tolstoy for being famous and credulous enough make people believe you more than they believe me.
  • there's something about quotes which can have a devastating impact on debates. if you say "well einstein said such and such" then that's a plus for your side.
  • the fact is that you and i have both said thinks equally as brilliant as an einstein or a nietzsche or a tolstoy, but we're not as smart as them, not as known, probably haven't said as many brilliant things as them, and probably don't put it as cleverly as they usually do. i'm tempted to jump to the conclusion that quotes are for the weak, but really they're just for the ineloquent - like me. and the sad truth is that if i say something and then back it up with a similar quote from a notable personality then you are more likely to take it to heart.
  • "And the angel of the lord came unto me, snatching me up from my place of slumber. And took me on high, and higher still until we moved to the spaces betwixt the air itself. And he brought me into a vast farmlands of our own midwest. And as we descended, cries of impending doom rose from the soil. One thousand, nay a million voices full of fear. And terror possessed me then. And I begged, "Angel of the Lord, what are these tortured screams?" And the angel said unto me, "These are the cries of the carrots, the cries of the carrots! You see, Reverend Maynard, tomorrow is harvest day and to them it is the holocaust." And I sprang from my slumber drenched in sweat like the tears of one million terrified brothers and roared, "Hear me now, I have seen the light! They have a consciousness, they have a life, they have a soul! Damn you! Let the rabbits wear glasses! Save our brothers!" Can I get an amen? Can I get a hallelujah? Thank you Jesus. Life feeds on life feeds on life feeds on life feeds on........"
  • "ice cream is heaven in a creamy frozen food form" - thoreau
  • actually i just made that up, but you believed it more coming from thoreau, didn't you?
  • we're all guilty of this, but i have to bring it up anyway....say i take a ed norton painting and give it to an art student and say "hey check out this painting i made. what do you think of it?" i think that if the art student knew my background as a non-artist that 9 out of 10 times he'd say it has promise, but isn't anything great. but you sign it "ed norton" and tell him that it's an ed norton painting and all of a sudden he finds a billion things he loves about it. i think that applies to most art. i know that if i hear a song and know it's britney spears i'm going to be biased, just as i'm going to be tendentious if it's a led zeppelin b-side i've never heard. it's all a matter of degree i suppose. it's also just a sad fact of life - people are biased. i'd like to think that if i wrote a short story as good as raymond carver that it would be recognized and lauded as highly as his stories are, but that's not the case. maybe it would be in a perfect world.
  • maybe i'm being silly, maybe objectivity is overrated.
  • i think it would be a cool experiment to take a short story written by raymond carver and a short story written by graduate student jane blow and submit them to a few professors to see what they thought. only, with one set of profs you give the stories with the names of the authors and the other set of profs don't have names on the story at all (or better yet, switch the names of the authors). you catch my meaning?
  • "It was daylight when you woke up in your ditch. You looked up at your sky then. That made blue be your color. You had your knife there with you too. When you stood up there was goo all over your clothes. Your hands were sticky. You wiped them on your grass, so now your color was green. Oh Lord, why did everything always have to keep changing like this. You were already getting nervous again. Your head hurt and it rang when you stood up. Your head was almost empty. It always hurt you when you woke up like this. You crawled up out of your ditch onto your gravel road and began to walk, waiting for the rest of your mind to come back to you. You can see the car parked far down the road and you walked toward it. "If God is our Father," you thought, "then Satan must be our cousin." Why didn't anyone else understand these important things? You got to your car and tried all the doors. They were locked. It was a red car and it was new. There was an expensive leather camera case laying on the seat. Out across your field, you could see two tiny people walking by your woods. You began to walk towards them. Now red was your color and, of course, those little people out there were yours too."
  • it would be cool if i bought a car while i was in la.

  • 3-6-01 (00:43)

  • "there's no reason a man and another man can't elope" - eminem
  • it's funny what things are filed under free speech and what things aren't.
  • dr. andrew weil is a piece of shit.
  • there is a difference between being critical and being cynical.

  • 3-5-01 (22:47)

  • updated movies list.
  • i want ice cream. in fact everytime i finish a meal it feels incomplete without ice cream. it's really hard to not go to safeway right now and buy some.
  • you judge for yourself.
  • it kinda sucks to miss all the madness of march. i guess i'll be able to see some of it later when it starts being televised nationally.
  • "Beliefs are dangerous. Beliefs allow the mind to stop functioning. A non-functioning mind is clinically dead. Believe in nothing..."

  • 3-5-01 (00:40)

  • i think i've misunderstood einstein saying "everything is relative"...i used to take it as everything is relative to others, but i think it is better to think of it as everything is relative to how you perceive things - meaning that there is no absolute. in the first case if everything is relative then the things i pride myself for (being able to overcome struggle, thinking, being good in the sack, whatever) are all going to seem less weighty or important because relative to others i haven't had as much struggle, i haven't thought about as much stuff, as deeply, as others. so relative to others i'm not that cool after all. but in the latter sense of the saying it just takes on the meaning that things are relative to my own view of the world. in that sense "everything is relative" is a post modern statement. i think that if i were to employ the other interpretation of the saying then i'd be just screwing myself over because any success i have could be seen as, relatively speaking, inconsequential. basically it's better to look at it as saying "there is no absolute" as opposed to "the worth of anything you do is gauged relative to others."
  • got a haircut tonight.
  • i'm going to sleep soon.
  • since no one else would put this kind of shit up on their website i'll do it and try to make it a little more balanced; this is not to say that i have the sentiments of its author, but it's a different take so i wanted to post it:
  • Eulogy
    "He had alot to say.
    He had alot of nothing to say.
    We'll miss him.

    So long.
    We wish you well.
    You told us how you weren't afraid to die.
    Well then, so long.
    Don't cry.
    Or feel too down.
    Not all martyrs see divinity.
    But at least you tried.

    Standing above the crowd,
    He had a voice that was strong and loud.
    We'll miss him.
    Ranting and pointing his finger
    At everything but his heart.
    We'll miss him.

    No way to recall
    What it was that you had said to me,
    Like I care at all.

    So loud.
    You sure could yell.
    You took a stand on every little thing
    And so loud.

    Standing above the crowd,
    He had a voice so strong and loud and I
    Swallowed his facade cuz I'm so
    Eager to identify with
    Someone above the ground,
    Someone who seemed to feel the same,
    Someone prepared to lead the way, with
    Someone who would die for me.

    Will you? Will you now?
    Would you die for me?
    Don't you fuckin lie.

    Don't you step out of line.
    Don't you fuckin lie.

    You've claimed all this time that you would die for me.
    Why then are you so surprised to hear your own eulogy?

    You had alot to say.
    You had alot of nothing to say.

    Come down.
    Get off your fuckin cross.
    We need the fuckin space to nail the next fool martyr.

    To ascend you must die.
    You must be crucified
    For your sins and your lies. [sic]
    Goodbye..."

    3-4-01 (18:51)

  • watched the last few minutes of an xfl game and was pretty impressed. orlando had the ball with under 2 minutes in their own zone protecting a 2 point lead so they were running down the clock, but the other team had 1 timeout and it was 3rd down. so unless orlando got the first down, which was 5 yards away, they were going to have to punt it and give the other team a chance to come within field goal range and win the game. rather than running a counter or a comparable running play they ran a bootleg and had the qb run it for the first down. you'd never see that in the nfl. some of the camera shots are good and all the mics are nice, but then they start talking about the cheerleaders and it takes a turn for the worse.
  • i haven't done shit all day.
  • going to get haircut from vern tonight.
  • i should watch a movie.
  • i should study for class or something.

  • 3-4-01 (15:40)

  • i remember being about 15 and deciding that the only way i was going to solve my problems was to be completely rational from there on. if i ever had a question about what to do i would choose the most rational path. if i wanted to know what love was i would look it up in the dictionary and adopt that as my definition. the dictionary was going to be my bible. besides the fact that the bible is more well written and has better stories, they seemed to provide the same thing - a guide to living. it seemed a very easy and not so bad way of living my life. i discovered later that being completely rational was pretty hard and that the dictionary wasn't any better a guide to life than the bible so i trashed the idea.

  • 3-3-01 (23:25)

  • i called a few metro owners tonight and got at least one, and maybe 4 good leads. a 96 with 53k on it for 2300, but i forgot to ask if it had a/c. a 97 with 37k on it without a/c for 3700 - pricey, but basically a new car. 500 extra to get a/c put on later. a 95 with 85k and a/c for 3200. and a 97 4 cylinder, a/c and 75k on it for 3500. all of them have a manual transmissions and are in southern california. then i found a 94 with 75k on it, with a/c, automatic transmission, one owner for only 1500. i'll likely not be able to buy any of them since i foresee them all being snatched up by the time i get down to la in three weeks. the first 1996 looks like the best one, but i forgot to ask about a/c and at that price it's going to be gone soon.
  • nihilism (the mentality that comes with post-modern thought) is just like democratic participation...you realize that the matter at hand (either life, in the case of nihilism, or voting, in the case of democratic participation) doesn't matter. that is, when you realize that all life is a matter of opinion and that there is no real truth behind our actions, then you come to the conclusion that one action is not preferable to the next because there is no real truth or universal morality guiding your actions. this knowledge can be extremely liberating or extremely depressing and lead to complete inaction. i don't know if i'm making sense unless you have some background on this stuff...let me try to explain it in terms of my experience. my whole life i'm told that there is a metaphysical truth, that there is a "chris" that i am supposed to try to discover. then one day (or over the course of months) i realize all i think is a compilation of my perception and that is subject to my experience..."Opinion we may have, but certainty and knowledge are impossible." so finally knowing the one truth (that there is no TRUTH) led me to feel extremely sad, depressed, etc. my world was turned upside down...all that which i have done has been for naught. everything i will do in the future will be for naught. since there is no heaven or hell, no right or wrong, outside of me then what am i aiming for? why should i continue to live? that's one possible reaction, the other is the kind that the existentialists have - since there is no right or wrong, no heaven or hell, i can create my own right and wrong, my own world, my own morals, my own bounds - how liberating! if we embrace the former view we are screwed. if we embrace the latter then we are as close to free as we can ever become.
  • this applies to voting like this - one of these days you'll discover (if you haven't already) that your single vote doesn't matter. despite what they say about the florida example or the kennedy/nixon elections, one vote didn't matter. with this knowledge you can say "well my vote doesn't matter so i'm not going to vote." or you can affirm your role as a participant and say "well my vote doesn't matter so i'm not going to be bound to thinking that my vote for nader is going to put bush in office. i'm going to vote the way i want to vote." i suggest you do that both with life and with voting. live life as a "yes" statement. the facts are that death is coming, change is eminent, you'll never know anything for sure, and that the only control you have are of your actions.
  • you see, the thought that so many people had that "my voting for nader is going to send bush to the presidency" parallels the same feeling that we have about life - we can't do x because y is holding us back and so, despite our wanting to do x, we end up doing z. unlike marx or weber or many other social theorists, i've become less and less interested with the origins of y - that which holds us back. it may come from above, it make come from the bourgeoisie (marx), it may come from an amalgamation of ideologies from the rich and the poor (hegemony), it may come from white people, it may come from males, i don't care about that very much because all it does is place blame and placing blame hasn't gotten much done throughout history. what matter is that we are oppressed by our views and conceptions of life, we are supposed to view life as being lived a certain way, there are certain goals, aspirations, methods, correct and incorrect means to an immutable end (whether that end be having the most toys at the end of life or being the most like jesus - both our previously prescribed ways to live your life and both constrain you to someone else's blueprint of life). we need to shed both the means and the ends and create new ones ourselves. and perhaps the most empowering way of doing this is in the knowledge that nothing we do really means anything in the final sense anyway. that is, in having a nihilistic outlook perhaps we will be most able to become what it is we seek for ourselves.
  • "the only thing we have to fear is fear itself" - FDR
  • "fear is your only god" - zach de la rocha
  • "free yourself from yourself" - maynard james keenan
  • "i can't admit that maybe the past was bad. and so, for the sake of momentum, i'm codemning the future to death so it can match the past" - aimee mann
  • not to completely kill an antiquated analogy (both plato and nietzsche, and i'm sure others, have used it), but i feel like i've been in a cave for the last 9 months of my life (i think ever since i finished reading malcolm x). i've been gathering my thoughts and studying how others have thought about the same things i've been thinking of, and it feels like i've been storing up all this thought and information for living the rest of my life. and to extend the analogy plato uses in the republic...i even feel like i've been spending this time in my "cave" with the even goal of getting out and bringing light back to those in the cave. though i don't mean light in the platonic "there is a Truth" kind of way. i mean it in a less profound less absolute way. i mean it in a "here's my experience and thoughts on life" kind of way.

  • 3-3-01 (21:56)

  • people don't read this page on sundays so why update it on sundays?
  • "for the most part he (man, meaning all humanity) is thus characterized by what heidegger calls fallenness and exists inauthenitcally as "they" do, "they" being the generality of ordinary mankind. in this mode of being, man is dominated by what heidegger calls the "they-self," which accepts the worlds as given and never seriously questions the prevailing order of things. according to heidegger, the question of Being arises for humans only when this everyday existence is called into question by an authentic confrontation with death..."
  • "life is generally understood in terms of the possiblities available within a particular world or order of beings. these possibilites seem to the they-self to be given and immutable...."

  • 3-2-01 (23:50)

  • so i was going to try and sleep early, but that never works out.
  • i don't like where this world has been going since it began, i'll leave it at that.
  • at this point it's not even about the money, once i find the metro i want i'm going to buy it. as it happens the metro i want is probably going to be within my budget so that works out well.

  • President George W. Bush addresses the National Conference of State Legislatures at the White House, March 2, 2001. The president talked about the need for Congress to recognize Chris Miller's girth. (Larry Downing/Reuters)
    3-2-01 (20:21)
  • sleeping on the floor is still cool.
  • maybe tomorrow i'll do something with my life. wish i could just work for 12 hours tomorrow, that would be productive and legitimately tiring.
  • i miss melanie.
  • i really haven't had the desire to rent movies lately. i want to go out and watch some films on the big screen, there's even one playing at campus cinema for $3 i'd like to watch, but i just don't have any cash. i usually don't like going to movies by myself.
  • i don't eat candy or drink soda anymore.
  • am i denying myself of too many things?
  • it's not fair that some people seemingly have complete control of their moods. prozac really is the way to go. actually, wellbutran would probably be better because then my sex drive wouldn't suffer. well i take it back, prozac would be the best way to go.
  • it always sucks to have a lot of something that isn't doing you any good. whether it be love, ideas, sex drive, hair, etc.
  • i'm definitely going to sleep early tonight.
  • tomorrow will be the third day of march and that is good.
  • maybe i'll get to watch the duke/unc game on sunday. probably not.
  • i should call some metro owners tomorrow, even if they are in la.
  • i shouldn't spend any money for a while.
  • when is chris webber coming back? uncle pete has been carrying the kings. it's too bad i haven't seen any of their games this year.
  • i really want to play basketball. come spring quarter i hope to have tuesday nights off so i can play with the kdvs crew. kurtis blow has a good song called "basketball."
  • this is mindless dribble. double entendre=good.

  • 3-2-01 (18:32)

  • when 10% of a nation's people own 90% of the wealth there is a problem. when they pay 60% of the taxes there is more of a problem.
  • if anyone honestly believes the hype that we're going to erase the debt anytime in the next 20 years then i'd like to make a wager with you - i'm willing to bet my left nut against any car you own that the national debt isn't going to go under $3 trillion anytime in the next 20 years.
  • fridays are boring.
  • i literally have no friends to hang out with on fridays.
  • i really should just go to sleep.
  • all sorts of upsets are happening in the nba tonight.
  • i wonder what dungey does at night. i bet he's a lonely guy.
  • i wish there was some basketball on tv. the network tv selection sucks my dick.

  • 3-2-01 (15:17)

  • computerized clothes are in development...it's actually part of a move towards making computer hardware that is flexible and durable, unlike silicon. so they're looking into imprinting information on plastics and fabrics, apparently they're pretty far along. they've even got it to the point where they can make computer chips on a piece of thin plastic by printing the information from a regular inkjet printer. i'm not really sure how it works, but what it means is that you can eventually make computer chips at home, though they will be far slower than the current pentium chips. what's cool is you could have a computer on your t-shirt which could monitor your heart rate, temperature, all sorts of things. it could eventually even have much of the same properties as a palm pilot, but woven into the fabric of your jacket or shirt...what's even more cool is that they're also working on a system that gains power from flexing, so every time you move your body and flex your clothes some power is gained. they've used computerized shirts in tests with the military so that when someone is shot it will tell the medic (by lighting up the area) where the soldier was shot.
  • there is already a disposable cell phone which has been developed, that's about as wasteful as disposable cameras.
  • it's raining now, glad it waited to rain until i got home.
  • did all my graduation business today, that was good to get out of the way.
  • my one class today was pretty cool. discussing things is good, but i usually don't pipe up. today i did.
  • i really need a haircut.
  • i'm pretty tired, i shouldn't stay up so late.

  • 3-2-01 (00:12)

  • work was slow tonight.
  • some woman outside of the library was lost so i gave her directions, but she didn't understand so i walked her to where she was going. we talked about jazz.
  • tomorrow i wake up early and bike through the rain. it rained tonight, but it started late so i'm thinking it'll still be raining in the morning.
  • my girlfriend is the swellest.
  • found some good leads for metros on recylcer.com. most of them are down in the la area though so i wouldn't be able to check em out until spring break.
  • i watched some entertainment tonight type show before i went to class and learned off all sorts of juicy gossip. freddie prinze and smg are going out and are in a scooby doo movie. found out stuff about temptation island and survivor....everything i needed to socialize during the day. it came in handy, sadly.
  • had top ramen for dinner, that was pretty good. not sure why they call it chicken though. maybe it had some chicken bouillon powder in the packet.
  • i should go to sleep soon.
  • updated movies list.
  • my movie goal is basically not going to happen.
  • not much to say.
  • i'm really bored, but not tired. i want to eat or do something. i'm lonely and idle.
  • spending money is usually a good night cap.

  • 3-1-01 (19:07)

  • got the nietzsche midterm back and it told me what i already knew.
  • work from 8-11 tonight. blah.
  • direct deposit is working now so i don't have to deposit checks the old fashioned way anymore. the real reason i decided to finally get it was because the checks are always on a two week lag and i don't want to wait around after school to get my last paycheck. and since i'll be on the road i won't be able to get the check mailed any place where i'll have access to the money - this way it's all automatic.
  • called some more metro ads, where are people? do people actually have lives? try again later i suppose.
  • think i'm going to do the tune-up on the bug later and just make it a big time tune-up...i'll replace the points, condenser, distributor cap, plugs, set the timing, adjust the valves, blah blah blah. i'll put in that order tomorrow.
  • i was tempted to skip class today, but i didn't. i'm doing worst in my sociology of deviance class. i'll have to do well on the paper.
  • found a 1996 metro, automatic transmission (blah), a/c, new timing belt, newer tires, 81K miles, for under 3000. if it was a manual i'd buy it from him tomorrow.

  • 3-1-01 (02:35)

  • updated archives, go there for old updates.
  • i wish santana hadn't gone so pop.
  • so today was ash wednesday and people walked around with crosses on their foreheads. i guess it doesn't do any harm.
  • i hear that tristan (ex friend) has become a christian. that's pretty laughable considering his former stance on organized religion. guess i ditched him at the right time.
  • if i started believing in a christian god and followed the word of the bible and believed that i'm a sinner and that jesus died for me then maybe i'd live a better life. a) i'm a sinner so i've gotta do something to not be such a bad person. b) god's son died for me so i really should be thankful. c) god loves me no matter what so why can't i just do what he says? d) heaven is cooler than anyone can imagine and all i have to do to get there is be god's bitch, er humble servant. e) my master loves me and i should be thankful. that sounds a lot like something they said to african-american slaves. but with god it's different, with god it's divine - just like a king's right to rule. hmmm. let's get back on track here - god is my creator and that is what is important. i'm in debt to him for eternity. i like debt because it doesn't weigh me down. i like knowing that i'm a sinner and feeling guilty for wanting to have pre-marital sex because those things make me a more fulfilled person. in fact, i can say that i'm almost self-actualized BECAUSE of the lord almighty, my creator and master.
  • thank you god for making this webpage possible.
  • it seems as though some people who read my webpage don't really read it, they just scan it from boredom. the hard thing about my webpage is that i could be talking about getting a haircut or fixing up the bug in one sentence and then talking about some hardcore philosophy shit then next. then i could be taking on some alter ego where i play the part of a brainwashed christian. it's gotta be hard for the reader to pick up on all the tone shifts and subject changes. maybe some people see a long bullet mark coming up and just skip it because they don't want to read my treatise on religion, philosophy, life, drunken binges, society, etc. i hope you're not one of those people.
  • feedback is good even when it's bad. one thing about my mom is that she's always telling me what's up, that's a good thing. my grandmother comments on important webpage topics and that's fun as well.
  • it's coming up on 3am. i've got class at 130.
  • i should pick up my paycheck tomorrow.
  • work from 8-11 tomorrow. spring break is going to hurt financially.
  • hurt=not having money? where did society come up with this shit and why am i perpetuating it?
  • i like the violent femmes, bring back memories of ymca camp in my early teen years. life was more simple then.
  • kind of cool site. i just checked out the "talk to a company" feature...i wrote to nike and told them that they should hire different foreign workers because the ones they're exploiting now are overpaid and not doing a good job.
  • this update is longer than i had expected.
  • i'm hungry, but i'm going to sleep instead of eating.

  • 3-1-01 (00:32)

  • it's march and i'm happy about that. february seemed pretty long.
  • looked over my transcript today and thought about getting depressed, but then didn't.
  • talked with co-workers about nietzsche today.
  • yesterday i realized that becoming a teacher is going to be harder than i've been thinking.
  • had a friend who was on the track team and a big time swimmer. he told me that when you prepare for a race you've got to forget everything in your past - all your great victories and all your losses. the only thing that matters is what is in front of you. i think there is some truth to that.
  • live by the gun, die by the gun.
  • if you buy into grades mattering when you get As, then you need to buy into them when you get Ds too.
  • of course all that is far easier said than done.
  • i wish that i knew what i know now when i was younger.
  • it'll rain on friday and sunday. i might not go check out that metro in walnut creek. if it doesn't rain on friday then i might still work on the bug though.

  • if anyone knows of a good search engine for autos classifieds then tell me. i know of yahoo, autotrader.com, cars.com, and that's it.

    2-28-01 (22:51)

  • well it's gonna be march in about an hour now, that's good news. good to know that time still works, there are moments when i don't think it does.
  • the lakers suck and the kings rock.
  • i want to play basketball very much.
  • i'm going to have some steamed vegetables pretty soon.
  • had a good pig sandwich today.
  • jenna is a fruit.
  • have a film paper due on march 12th, but nothing between now and then. that's good.
  • need to watch more movies.
  • i like my schedule for next quarter.
  • ice cream is very good.
  • my room is a slovenly pit.

  • 2-28-01 (16:15)

  • get paid today.
  • i want to take just about every political science course i've read the description for. wish i could double major in political science and political science, or mega major in it or something.
  • work from 6-10 tonight.
  • i updated my schedule, it's for next quarter so the one for this quarter has been deleted. no one looks at it anyway.
  • jehovah's witnesses were around the complex today expressing their will-to-power.
  • i hope that if i become a father that i can relay to my kids at an early age how chaotic and without bounds the world really is. if they ever start believing in karma or divine justice then i haven't done my job. when your parents told you that "life's not fair" they weren't being assholes, they were trying to prepare you. hopefully by doing it at a young age it won't be such a shock to them later when they start really realizing it on their own.
  • i probably shouldn't have kids because i think i'd screw them up.
  • johnny and christy broke up and that is sad.
  • i like dj silver more than i remember.
  • my back isn't ever going to be normal again. i don't know what the problem is, but it didn't used to hurt when i bent over. it only hurts more when i sit "correctly." maybe if i was rich i could solve this problem with some $300 leather chair with good lumbar support.
  • if kris from work grew up as ugly i think she'd be a better person. i might slap her face the next time i see her.
  • i don't know what to do with my life.
  • i don't know what to do with the next 1.5 hours of free time i have.
  • the thing with freedom is that we don't really have it in the large sense of the word, but we try to have as much of it as possible. it's manifested in different ways by different people. some get drunk and laid every other day. some discover a religion opposite their parents and dump their boyfriend and move to salt lake city. some don't become lawyers like their parents want. some simply move away from home. some just do anything that they've been told not to do, regardless of outcome. some go on a hitchhiking trip. some become transients. some comb their hair differently. some claim not to care about things because freedom from caring is cool to them. we all do it and we've all made mistakes trying to do it. finding a balance point is hard. you can call it the appollonian vs. the dionysian or yin vs. yang or freedom vs. order, but it's all essentially the same. everyone has to decide for themselves where the balance lies.
  • i like learning, but reading feels like such a chore. reading on the computer is easier because in my mind i'm not really reading, i'm just surfing the internet...as it happens kant's critique on pure reason is on the internet so it works out pretty well that way. one of these days computer screens will emit such little radiation that it'll actually be better on your eyes to read stuff on the screen than on that bleached white paper in books. in a thousand years they'll look at libraries as an extreme waste of resources. all the books will be online somewhere, more readily available (both more quickly because of the publishing process and more in terms of amount - no more searching out rare material - it'll all be available) and more powerful (for example i'll be reading something by nietzsche and he'll mention Schopenhauer and i'll just be able to click on the link and find out all about Schopenhauer). that's just the simple fact of the matter. i like picking up books and turning the pages more than i like scrolling down a toolbar, and i think most people feel the same way, but will it be worth it to have thousands of books and billions of pages worth of dead trees stacked in huge libraries when we'll be able to replace it with a few ounces of silicon? people in the future will think of it as extremely sentimental and selfish of us to demand books continue to be printed on paper. my conservative side doesn't like the idea of books being almost completely obsolete, but i can't see why it wouldn't happen. i know this idea comes as no shock to most and as abhorrent to many, but as far as i can see it, it's probably inevitable.

  • 2-28-01 (13:55)

  • i've got a car that isn't suitable to drive. i've got a girlfriend i can't see. i've got potential i can't reach.
  • in other news, got outbid on a shot in the dark bid that i put in a long time ago on this auction. i could have won this auction quite easily if i cared to...it'a 1994, an automatic, and it's in NJ so i didn't really give it too much thought. figured i'd bid 1150 and see what happened, had i bid 1200 i would have won.
  • i don't know what to do with anything in my life right now.
  • i don't know what it takes to be a good and true person. that's mainly because there is no real good or true, only the one we create. maybe i should just accept that since it's useful to buy into the created world then it must be good.
  • i wish i was dumb and apathetic.
  • i don't know if i'm getting better or worse as i age.

  • 2-27-01 (12:40)

  • finished those essays up. maybe i'll proofread them or something. who knows.
  • i'm going to take a shower one of these days, not today.
  • i'm not very tired, that'll change when i'm in film class today.
  • here's the latest from the gun control opponents - attempts to test guns for safety purposes is yet another way people are trying to take away your 2nd amendment rights.
  • i have no faith in humanity.
  • i have faith in certain people, but not in humanity on the whole.
  • updated movies list.

  • 2-27-01 (01:40)

  • i think that nirvana's first album is underrated. if you want to read some wack shit then check out the lyrics to floyd the barber.
  • having a girlfriend would be beneficial to my health. i'd be reminded to eat, i'd keep active, and i'd get back rubs once in a while.
  • the first couple seconds of "in bloom" sound like the first couple seconds of "last cup of sorrow" by faith no more. don't know which came first and i'm too lazy to play the mp3 and see how similar they really are.
  • i'm going to get back to work now.

  • 2-26-01 (22:02)

  • having to take a written test to get a handgun...opponents say it is a step towards eliminating handguns altogether. does the same go for taking a written test to become a teacher or drive a car? retards.
  • some home furnishing commercial - "the way i look at it nothing says more about us than our home. that's why i went to blah blah home furnishings where they have the best in selection and price..." nothing says more about us than what we consume...fuck this world.
  • they say that LA has had more rain this season than seattle.
  • rather large portfolio due tomorrow, i should start.
  • we had a debate in class about eminem...it turned into a "whites stealing black music" coupled with "eminem has no musical talent" debate. one guy said that the hullabaloo surrounding eminem is because it's a white guy saying those things and whites felt threatened because they feared their kids would turn out that way...as opposed to when it's a black guy saing the same things whites don't care. he's got a point, but not a very strong one. gangsta rap, from nwa to ice-t, has always been the subject of ridicule and admonishment. a) i don't know if eminem gets more of it. b) if he does get more crap than blacks then i don't know if it's only because he's white and white people fear what it means for their white kids. i do appreciate his point of view and it is correct on one level, but generalizations generally piss me off. as for eminem having no musical talent...he's the most talented contemporary pop hip-hop artist next to wyclef, as far as i can tell. as for whites stealing black music...that's pretty much old news and is just another example of those in power exploiting those who are not in power. but i think that it's sad to exclude eminem, or the beastie boys for that matter, from hip-hop just based upon the color of their skin...any time we discriminate based upon how someone was born then we're doing society a disservice. krs-one calls ghetto music the blueprint of hip-hop, not black music or african music. hip-hop is a culture, and though it mostly includes african-americans, it's not limited to them. to say it is would be going against what those in the hip-hop community believe. then there were some people comparing vanilla ice to eminem. a) eminem doesn't sample queen. b) eminem has talent. c) eminem isn't a puppet. d) eminem has talent. e) dr. dre is backing eminem. f) eminem has talent. to make such a comparison is absurd, i nearly upchucked my top ramen.
  • as for white people taking black music...i think music is music no matter who creates it and it's bound to be built upon. what i don't necessarily like is when those in power take black music and turn it into profits for themselves...can anyone say elvis? but i think what maybe people were really trying to say is that blacks don't get enough recognition in music, and they really should. there would be led zeppelin without muddy waters. no beatles without chuck berry. no beastie boys with out run d.m.c. no kenny g without john coltrane. er, scratch that last one.
  • i've got a lot of writing to do and not much to write about...that can't be good.

  • 2-26-01 (00:17)

  • whiteness prevails again.
  • ice cream is great.
  • numbers are stupid. it's amazing how someone can obfuscate an argument beyond the point of comprehension when they start throwing in percentages and random statistics. it seems that liberals and conservatives, alike, use statistics to prove their point on the same issue. you really have to have a good understanding of the issue to see through all the bullshit and their misuse of percentages vs. absolute numbers, understanding the semantics and actual thing being measured helps, too. it's funny how people put so much faith in numbers - i believe this way and it's right because i can point to the numbers - "the numbers don't lie." there are some numbers we can't get around, but i hope that people look at numbers and statistics with a critical eye.
  • "revenge is like the sweetest joy next to getting pussy" - whoever said such a horrible thing should be shot and killed. oh, wait, he was already. nevermind.
  • so i'm really thinking about getting this metro. only drawback is it doesn't have any a/c. he's selling it for 3250 and 1995 is a really good year. i don't want may to roll around and not have another car like this come up, especially when it's so close and the guy seems to know his shit and to have taken good care of it. it's a manual too, and so far those have been hard to find. guess i'll have to drive on over to walnut creek and check it out.
  • it's funny how so much of our worth is based upon consumption. i consider myself cooler than most because i buy green forest toilet paper instead of the bleached kind that doesn't use recycled paper and i think that many people would agree, though to varying degrees. i buy a cheaper more utilitarian and environmentally sound car and i think most people will praise that decision. but all of these things are based upon what i am, or am not consuming. even being a vegetarian or vegan is about what you are consuming, though in a different way. we base our way of life on what we consume - our consumption defines our lifestyle. it's pretty obvious, yes, but thinking about it in those terms (at least to me) makes it even more depressing and just hits home harder. i honestly don't think that it's always been this way, but it certainly is that way now and it seems that it's only getting worse with time.
  • i'm such a conservative purveyor of morality sometimes.
  • here's a good idea for nike - with each pair of shoes they sell they should include a small booklet - on the cover it should say "this pair of quality nike shoes is courtesy of...." then on the inside it should have a picture of whoever made that pair of shoes and a small biography... Low Thia Khiang, 12 year old singapore worker who died of malnutrition 3 days after making this pair of shoes. hope you enjoy them!
  • de beers should do the same thing with every diamond engagement ring they sell, but they should have a dozen pictures of limbless Africans who are victims of the diamond wars over there. if either debeers or nike refused then i'm sure some ambitious lawyer could force their hand under the truth in advertising act or something.
  • the law is a truly amazing and powerful thing, too bad it's completely arbitrary and, like the bible, can be used by both sides for completely opposing purposes.
  • could someone please explain to me the logic behind the precedent system? is it to ensure that we keep making the same mistakes over and over again at the risk of wasting time over issues which have already been solved? okay, it doesn't really need explaining, but when it allows something like the plessy v. ferguson case to go as the law of the land for half a century then it sure does seem like a lame idea.
  • was reading about ayn rand while at work today. i know she was smarter than i'll ever be, but it seems exceedingly foolish to claim an objectivism based upon rationality. when i was 16 i bought into rationality, but she seems to take it too far. i'd really like to see philosophers duke it out in a debate...obviously it can't happen, but i'd like to see kant, plato, aristotle, rand, derrida, nietzsche, heidegger, etc. in a room talking about the nature of humanity, epistemology, etc. it would be great. guys like derrida and nietzsche would deny any the existence any knowledge on the a priori level, they would say that on the metaphysical level you can't really know anything - there isn't anything, actually. the others would disagree and then you'd get this great debate on whether it's possible to know anything, what that means for living one's life, etc. that's my wet dream.
  • the past is prologue
  • "At the simplest level, only people who know they do not know everything will be curious enough to find things out." - Virginia Postrel
  • "Nor need we fear that this [Sceptical] philosophy, while it endeavours to limit our enquiries to common life, should ever undermine the reasonings of common life, and carry its doubts so far as to destroy all action, as well as speculation. Nature will always maintain her rights, and prevail in the end over any abstract reasoning whatsoever. Though we should conclude, for instance, as in the foregoing section, that, in all reasonings from experience, there is a step taken by the mind which is not supported by any argument or process of the understanding; there is no danger that these reasonings, on which almost all knowledge depends, will ever be affected by such a discovery." - David Hume
  • i've gotta say in all honesty that 98% of philosophy is over my head, the more i read about it the more i realize how hard it is to get a hold of from Schopenhauer to Popper, Hegel and Mill, i'm more or less lost in all the big words and seemingly impossible to breach level of thought.
  • "The safest general characterization of the European philosophical tradition is that it consists of a series of footnotes to Plato." - Alfred North Whitehead
  • i'm pretty much done with all this school shit. i want to have a really smart person tell me to read a few things once in a while and then talk to me about it. an intellectual mentor, if you will.
  • it seems that the intellectuals, or those responsible for canonizing, really hate post-modern thought. maybe they feel threatened or maybe they just want so badly for there to be order and knowledge in the universe, or at least on this earth.
  • it's too late to worry about much of anything. i've got a sizable project i have to do tomorrow and i don't have any time to do it.
  • Rage Against The Machine (minus Zack De La Rocha) winning a grammy, and then breaking it.
    from left to right: Timmy C. (aka YtimK or Tim Bob), Tom Morello, Brad Wilk.
    2-25-01 (17:10)
  • finally got the bumper on the bug. took longer than expected and proved harder than it should have, such is everything with that car. actually fixing the sending unit was a lot easier than it could have been.
  • have work in 45 minutes.
  • the kings lost today, they really need webber back.
  • isn't much for me to do on the weekends.
  • it's nice outside today.
  • i have no problem hanging out by myself and watching movies by myself, but when it comes to doing active type things i can't do them on my own; it's just lame to play frisbee golf alone or go for a walk by myself. i need a girlfriend.
  • if it wasn't for the last minute i wouldn't get anything done.
  • one of these days i'm going to get organizized. ha ha.
  • i need to file an appeal for graduation. i wonder why they call it an appeal...it should just be a request or something less dire than an "appeal."
  • i don't like the lakers.
  • certainly isn't much to write about, there's even less happening.

  • 2-25-01 (14:42)

  • pretty nice metro. the price is actually 500 bucks less than what is listed on the ad.
  • i knew north carolina was overrated, they lost to virginia by 20 points. losers.
  • woke up real late today, again. probably should get to doing some school work. might get around to working on the bug. might just end up eating, watching tv, watching city lights, going to work, and sleeping.
  • life is mostly on the boring side these days.

  • 2-25-01 (01:21)

  • updated movies list.
  • i really really look forward to sleeping on the floor every night, as perverse as that is. maybe it's part of my primordial desire to obtain oneness with nature. a return to sleeping on the earth, or something.
  • i wonder how i did on my nietzsche midterm.
  • i wonder how i'm going to do on this portfolio/essay project that's due on tuesday.
  • i wonder how the rest of my life is going to turn out.
  • i wonder how the trip is going to turn out. i think about it every day and yet it seems so impossible to plan a trip of that magnitude and have it turn out okay. i just keep thinking that something about it isn't going to work out. then again i thought the same thing about the hitchhiking trip.
  • the past isn't important unless it was a success. it's funny how there is a hypocrisy in lots of sayings like that.
  • my back is mostly fine now. i'm too young for this shit.
  • put an ad up for our rooms to be rented out over the summer because neither vern nor i are going to be here july or august. could make the trip debt be more manageable. there will still be debt.
  • going to rain again tomorrow. strangely i rather have it rain on the weekends than on the weekdays.
  • the floor calls.

  • 2-24-01 (19:08)

  • worked for three hours and it turned out to be kinda long for only three hours.
  • the wind was not fun today.
  • i plan on working on the car tomorrow...at least taking off the bumper, maybe putting the new one on. need to replace the fuel line from the carb to the fuel filter and then to the fuel pump. one of these days i'm going to adjust the valves and change the spark plugs, maybe adjust the timing, replace the points and condenser, change the oil, and adjust the carb. i need to do those things before i leave this spring break. i really hope that after i do all that the car runs fairly well and gets me to sylmar safely.
  • everloving is a really really good moby track.
  • need to talk with vern about subleasing, i've seen ads up for summer subleasing already.
  • the 76ers lost a heartbreaker to the hornets, that sucks. iverson continues to be the best scorer in the nba. and with shaq's resurgence i don't see kobe threatening iverson for the top scorer position any time soon.
  • i need to ask myself more often "what would jesus do?" i hope you're laughing.
  • i'm glad that the xfl ratings aren't doing well.
  • ucla won today, in overtime. i wish i could see some of these damn games.
  • had some good breakfast burrito action today.
  • slept too much today. sleeping on the floor is the shit.

  • 2-24-01 (00:33)

  • guess vern just went to berkeley today, not santa cruz. that means he got to spend all day with his girlfriend in berkeley spending money he actually has on cds he wants. tough life.
  • i wonder what it is about me that has always made it tough to have more than just a few friends. that's how it's always been. i'll just have a few friends who i'm pretty close to, but i'll never have a how gang of friends to go out with or socialize with. it's not really a bad thing, as most might think, but it definitely is a fact of my life.
  • the last time i hung out with phil was 20 days ago, i don't think i've talked to him on the phone since then either. nietzsche would say fuck it, fuck guilt and fuck worrying about it. anton levey would probably say the same thing. i don't know what MLK would say. i don't know what i'm saying.
  • phil is a lot different now than he once was, and so am i. beyond that i don't know much about anything.
  • my movie goal has more or less stalled, i'm far less motivated this year.
  • updated movies list.
  • i feel like i'm constantly busy, but for the most part i don't do much.
  • the more i think about it the more i realize that my life is in disarray. i miss too many classes. i'm not motivated to even watch movies. i haven't signed up for the cbest or single subject tests. i sit around on the computer a lot, though i honestly don't do anything other than line up my icons, check the same three or four websites, check my email and update this piece. i dream a lot about the summer trip and having melanie up here one day. i don't feel like doing any reading even with stuff that interests the hell out of me. working on the car is mostly depressing because it feels like it'll never run well again.
  • whenever i talk to scott i feel like i'm on the defensive. we talked about my car the other day and he asked what was wrong with it and i said that one of the valves was dished. then he asked why i didn't do anything about it. i told him that i don't know how to do it, don't have the tools to do it even if i did, and don't have the money to buy the parts - and certainly not the money to have someone do it all for me. then he told me about some chick at work who replaced her own volkswagen engine. so i guess i'm inept. maybe i'm just a defensive person.
  • i want to say that i need to get a hold of my life, but as nietzsche so wisely points out, that would be foolish of me. a) it's impossible. b) it denies the excitement of life c) it's impossible and finally d) it's not going to happen so don't try.
  • i'm a lot less exciting of a person that i used to be. i think i'm more uptight than i once was. i care too much about stupid things like life, politics, injustice, etc. - things that i don't really have control over and which don't really affect me because i'm a middle class citizen who should just be happy with a modest stipend and a good looking wife. "i wish i was like you - easily amused."
  • run dmc is finally coming out with their new album, the one that was due 16 months ago. it'll undoubtedly, and sadly, suck ass.
  • as humans we try so hard to make sense of things, find out the rules of the game, and thus, try to also find the goal of the game. the truth is that there aren't any rules, except for the ones we try to make, and there isn't any goal, except those which are given to us by society. the rules come in the form of politics and social structures from norms to actual institutions (religious or otherwise). the goals come from lots of places (marx would say they come from the economic system, max weber would say they come from the political system), but either way they come from society as a whole. we all know what the goals in life are - happiness is a big one and it's usually manifested in consumerism, religious fulfillment, fitting in, looking good, seeming smart, etc.
  • speaking of which - why do we all call out the answer when we're watching game shows? i'll let you mull it over.
  • i like what nietzsche says about creating art - that the process is the point (he says this about life as well...). that is to say that the final product doesn't matter so much as the process of creating it does. before luis bunuel died he said that he would be happy to burn all his films, that's rather nietzschean of him, in this way.
  • "Thank God I'm an atheist"
  • i wish i could sleep through tomorrow, but i have work and sleeping would deny myself the chance to experience life.
  • had i gotten drunk tonight, like i planned, then i would have been assured a hang over and thus plenty of rest tomorrow morning. it would have been fun, i would have been the life of the party for once (something that is, and should be, very important to me), i would have considered myself loved by many, i would feel good about myself because i have friends and i'm funny when i'm drunk, i would feel alive because i didn't have the baggage of sobriety weighing me down and holding me back, i would have been far less bored, i would have felt an amazing rush throughout the night, i may have even gotten some poon. the more i think about it the less i understand why i didn't go ahead and do it. i might not be alive tomorrow, there could be an earthquake, i might get hit by a car on my way to work, i may slip in the shower and die, and i wouldn't have had that last hurrah, that last night of fun. i need to start living every moment of my life as if it is the last - thus i must have as much fun as possible. after all, life is about fun.
  • vern asked what i would do if i only had a few minutes left in my life, he suggested getting laid, but i knew that writing a letter to those i love would be the only thing that i could really think to do at such a time.
  • so in case i die tomorrow - thank you mom, dad, max, and cliff for being highlights in my life. thank you sarah for being a good and loving person despite your age. thank you melanie for giving me things no one else has. thanks vern, johnny, jon, and phil for being overall pretty nice people to me. with that said i'm going to get high and laid in my farewell to the world, there's no other way i'd like to end my life than listening to the latest limp bizkit album in an orgasmic drunken haze.

  • 2-23-01 (22:48)

  • i think that life, to nietzsche, is kind of like a game and anything that makes it easier than it is meant to be (religion, drugs, etc.) is considered cheating. there is no final destination, but he who plays the game the best "wins." that's a simplification, but then most anything i say about any philosopher would have to be a simplification.
  • moby said that when he got to college he realized that no one has actually read kant's "critique on pure reason" all the way through, and anyone who has is insane. i agree and if you've ever tried braving it then you know why. i find reading anything by kant to be mostly impossible, i'm not afraid to admit this. and actually, i'm rather glad because if i understood what he was saying i'd probably be even more depressed than i usually am. moby is cool.
  • having the place all to myself is really cool because i can finally invite over my friends and not have to worry about vern's overbearing ass breaking up the festivities.
  • just about every day i goto rei.com and load up a shopping cart full of stuff for the trip, i get to the checkout place and then i cancel the order. i don't think i can do that for 3 more months.
  • i'm not very good at aimlessly wandering the internet.

  • 2-23-01 (19:09)

  • the thing about artists like limp bizkit, marliyn manson, and eminem is that they are a symptom of what's happening with society. to ignore or alienate them or their fans doesn't do anything positive. it makes the rejects feel like rejects and what does that accomplish? not much to my line of thinking. this is not to say that we should praise their views on things, but to write them off as crazy or a menace to society doesn't seem to be the right way to go about things. it seems that the best way to get a teenager to listen to a certain kind of music is to tell him/her that they shouldn't.
  • the kings just won a game in triple overtime by one point. very cool, wish i could have seen it...uncle pete had 40 something points.
  • i think the way nietzsche addresses things is very useful - who cares whether there is a god or not, because we'll never know, but what does believing in god do for us? what is the value of our values? i think people should address many of life's questions like that. of course the limitation of that type of thinking is in the person's ability to answer the question honestly and as objectively as possible.
  • balm in gilead is a very good song.
  • gong to watch unforgiven now.

  • 2-23-01 (15:58)

  • vern's not here so i think he left for the weekend, that would explain him wanting me to cover for him on sunday.
  • i was trying to reduce my mp3 collection to less than 850 songs and it's proving rather difficult. there are plenty of songs i don't listen to, but would like to keep around just for fun...stuff like ice ice baby or u can't touch this. then there's stuff that's classic, but i don't listen to - been caught stealin' and land of confusion - stuff along those lines.
  • wish melanie could have stayed longer.
  • got a bunch of bills today, including one for car insurance. whoop whoop.
  • breakfast burritos are still good.
  • i like sleeping on the floor, there is more space and it's not as uncomfortable as one might think.
  • when i took that war class i kept thinking to myself how simple it was. simple because the way states interact is the same as the way people interact, for the most part. playground politics get transferred into the global system, sadly, and that makes all the theories on the outbreak of war fairly straightforward.
  • i think that transparency is very important - both on the international and interpersonal level. that is, when x doesn't know that y has formed an alliance with z, and figures that out later, things could be bad. keeping honest and open communication is important.
  • i wonder what i'll be viewed as when i'm 30 or 50. actually i wonder how i'm viewed now. if you had three words to describe chris what would they be? issue-laden, fat, indolent...? not that it really matters, but it is interesting.

  • 2-22-01 (15:25)

  • just took one of the most brutal midterms of my life, the other was also from dungey. i love dungey for it though.
  • nietzsche was a smart guy, but, as i understand him, he was wrong in some key ways. religion is life-denying and therefore bad, i agree on both counts, but i think he would say the same thing about love (although in different ways), and i can't agree with that. religion is life-denying because it claims an order to a chaotic world, it prescribes ways to live your life, it gives you a moral structure which denies that life changes and that everything comes to an end (it does this in the form of an idea about heaven). love is different because it doesn't deny that things come to an end or that things change, but it makes your "glory" (as machiavelli would refer to it) dependent upon others, and that is life-denying because it denies your existential freedom, your individuality. but balance is necessary, so maybe nietzsche wouldn't disagree with love. he would like the fact that you are so dependent upon another, but love isn't purely dionysian or appollonian so in that sense it provides a good balance. it's hard to please nietzsche, good thing i'm not trying to.
  • well my brain won't be working for a few more hours so i skipped class. i was 7 or so minutes away from the end of class when i got stuck on thinking of one word (of course i remember it now - existentialism). so for 5 minutes i tried to think of the word, i tried thinking about sports or music or anything to relax my brain, but i couldn't think of it. at this point i knew that i was pretty much done with the test, so i wrote a couple more lines and turned it in. this test could have easily been turned into a 15 page paper and taken 15 hours to organize thoughts, gather information and evidence, and then write. we had 1hr 20mins and no notes or books in front of us.
  • i'm going to watch a movie now.

  • 2-22-01 (10:49)

  • it seems that in society, and in our lives really, we keep treating the symptoms of larger problems. i think this is endemic to human nature. it really is characteristic of people to try and chop off every branch of a tree of problems when it would just be, in the long run, far easier to stop watering the tree and pour some root killer on it. something like that. you get my point.
  • i've got a midterm in 2.5 hours, i shall begin studying for that fairly soon. maybe i'll eat and then study, who knows.
  • interesting new development - melanie has the car so she's driving up here, that'll be short, but sweet.
  • i need to get someone to cover my shift tonight.
  • for the most part my back has been feeling better now that i sleep on the floor every night, but it still feels tight at times. i'm afraid to stretch it because it might make the uncomfort more pronounced.
  • i'm very down with rahsaan roland kirk.

  • 2-21-01 (22:35)

  • having knowledge is great, but it doesn't make you great. remembering that is sometimes hard for those who consider themselves smart.
  • knowledge, at this point, is so accessible that in simple economic terms it is less of an asset. there is less power associated with knowledge now than in the past...there is still a difference in power between those who have it (the informed/educated) and those who lack it (the ignorant). but i think that as things progress - with the internet, the possibility of something that resembles a "global consciousness," etc. - knowledge will not become as important. most anything you want to know is at your fingertips. there are potentially lots of great implications, and there are some (like columbine) which aren't so great. i know how to make a bomb, it's fairly simple and i can find out where to get the supplies as easily as i can get a copy of kubrick's "fear and desire." i'm not saying that death and destruction await the world because information is so readily available, but there are some negative consequences. i'm also not saying that ignorance is good, or even not bad, but it is far more easily overcome than before. and i think that could mean a lot for society.
  • people who used to pride themselves in knowing a lot about movies or music have been almost ousted by sites like imdb.com or allmusic.com... obviously these people are still useful and others will always look up to people who have a knowledge of things on the top of their head, but to me it seems a lot less impressive now that certain types of knowledge are so easy to come by. what if one day it becomes so easy to get information about certain things that all you have to do is speak the question into your cell phone and have the answer read to you in a matter of seconds. in that scenario it's far easier than actually interacting with people, or reading, or hunting it out.
  • what happens when information reaches the same status as cars have now...it used to be really cool to have a car, something you could be proud of because not many were fortunate enough to have one. what if knowledge becomes like any other street corner commodity? there was a time when being able to make shoes was a desirable skill, being a blacksmith was an honorable and useful trade, we have machines for that now, i can go to big 5 and get a pair of shoes quicker and easier than you can make them. i don't think that knowledge getting to that point is going to be the end of the world, but i don't like the way it sounds, maybe that's just because i'm trained to value knowledge. maybe i'm too conservative. maybe i'll be 110 years old (thanks to modern science) and complaining to my great great grandchildren about the day when it was cool to know stuff about who directed nosferatu, who he worked with, what style he employed, etc. but there is the distinct possibility that by that time my great great grandchildren pop in "nosferatu" in their little palm pilots and download more information about it than any one person has, and do this with just about anything - from music and movies to nietzsche and the russian revolution.
  • that's dangerous ground because learning things makes you think and thinking is invaluable. if you only learn as life necessitates, then you won't know what nosferatu is until it comes up and then you'll download the information, and know everything about it, but the information will have been handed to you...you would not have experienced the film. what will the role of college be? for many professions things won't change - doctors, politicians, etc. but being a lawyer, already, has changed drastically because of computers. researching precedents has become a piece of cake because now you can search for "4th amendment + police searches" and you'll come up with all sorts of useful information. the point is that if information ever gets that readily available for the majority of people, which it may or may not - for several reasons, then we could be in for really different times.
  • incidentally, this 4th amendment stuff that's going on with the police searches and the thermal detectors goes to show you how fragile and arbitrary our legal system really is.
  • it's dangerous to put too much faith or importance in any one things. what happens when that thing is no longer? people always bring this point up with athletes - "if you get injured what happens then?" but it applies to lots of things. this isn't to say that we should be afraid to be passionate or place importance in anything, but we must always keep in mind (and accept) that it will end one day. things coming to an end is fine, don't be shocked when it happens.
  • once again balance and diversifying your life proves to be important.
  • what happens to the christian who meets someone like nietzsche or derrida and they tear that person's entire belief system to shreds in a matter of minutes? their world is turned upside down. maybe they should have thought about things more clearly. but really they should have embraced a wider variety of views in the first place. if you embrace a wide variety of views it's impossible to be torn down. eventually someone smart enough will come along and pick apart nietzsche and all the little wannabe nietzscheans out there will be crushed, that's no different than being a christian or anything else. (as a side note - if you understand nietzsche then you'd never try to emulate his life or become "nietzschean," but i use it as an example of people buying into religion of all sorts - science, christianity, buddhism, philosophy, etc.)
  • listening to snoop dogg rapping over a rage against the machine instrumental is interesting, i haven't listened to this song in a long time.
  • i can't wait for the trip.
  • work was fairly quick. jenna is a freak. she walks in all sullen and down. she tells me that she doesn't like me today so i essentially ignore her. then a few minutes later she leaves and returns with carl's jr. after her first bite into the bacon western cheeseburger she has a smile on her face. i wonder if she realized what she did there. i guess it's better than drugs, but it's not far off. and from what i've gathered from her talking to herself (literally) she used to smoke pot, so that might explain a thing or two about a thing or two - or maybe everything.
  • vern getting a girlfriend two days before valentine's day after bitching about not having one for god knows how long, is testament to the fact that there is no justice in the world. that's not to say that it's swell, but it's certainly not just in relative terms. of course i have no illusions that the world is fair or just, so it doesn't really jilt me much.
  • what does freedom do for us? do we have it? what do we do with it? what should we do with it? someone probably has written a rather large book on just those questions. as we all know - we are not truly free. most would think about that and after some thought would agree on some level - there are things that we just need to do, for myriad reasons. many liberals would see that as a horrible injustice of living in this society. at the same time we all know that there are certain freedoms which are best not given. to me, the most interesting aspect of freedom is freedom from norms, or even better - yourself. sure it's a law that we can't yell fire in the theater, but there's no law that says you have to look at yourself in the mirror before you go out so that you are presentable, yet most people do. there are all sorts of "laws" that we have either placed on ourselves or which society has placed upon us. i think that this is all fairly obvious, and as such bears repeating, because that which goes without saying sometimes needs to be said the most. in order to be an artist you have to be good. in order to be free or independent you have to have economic freedom. we've been sold a bag of goods, my friends. and what's worse is that we continually buy into it, we even perpetuate it. this is why i love the parable of the camel, the lion and the child so much - we need to become that child - free from the "laws" of society. the more we live the more we become socialized, trained, and domesticated and thus go farther away from being free.
  • i'm not saying anything new, i'm just reminding you, because you've forgotten it and you'll forget it by the end of the day. tomorrow you'll wake up and realize that you need to make sure you have enough money to put food on the plate and you have to look a certain way and you have to act a certain way and you can't be ambitious in certain ways....
  • so what am i advocating? isn't it obvious? go out, right now, and get drunk, get high, walk the streets naked, yell "i am free" while tagging on walls, all to prove to yourself and the world that you are free. that's what i'm advocating. actually that's not what i'm advocating, but that sure is what people have done in the past (and the present) to prove (mostly to themselves) that they're free. i think everyone needs to find a way on their own, but i don't think that any of the ways which were classically employed by hippies (namely free love and drugs) are the right way. drugs for obvious reasons and free love for probably conservative permanently ingrained moral reasons.
  • the rage against the machine dvd came out yesterday. i'd like to get that and the new bs2000 album sometime.
  • got a pretty good lead on a 94 metro, it's on the pricey side, and it's an automatic, but other than that it's really nice. i could talk down the price, but not the transmission - obviously.
  • it's really funny to me when people think they know how the world works. it's even more funny studying poli sci or sociology when these intellectuals try to tell you how things work. they're really just as bad as scientists who keep revising how the universe works - it used to be thought that it was expanding, then it was contracting, then it was staying the same size, now they think it's expanding again...really they don't know what the hell it's doing or what that means. political scientists used to think that x was the best factor for determining how joe blow would vote, now they know it's really y that is the best indicator, tomorrow it'll be z.
  • at the library we have a billion general chemistry books, but what gets me is how there are always several different years for each book. so they'll have general chemistry by some guy named voet, and they have the 1990, 93, 95, 97 and 2001 editions. how much has science changed in the last 11 years? i really hope that general chemistry hasn't changed that much, i don't think it has. it's gotta be some scheme to fuck students out of their book money. before pastuer came around we knew that mold came from evil spirits which caused growth on organic matter. now we know it's something entirely different. of course we're above mistakes like that by now.
  • it's 2am and i plan on waking up early tomorrow so i should sleep.
  • potato is a good night time snack - cheap, filling enough, and tasty.
  • had top ramen the other day for breakfast - 10 cents a pack and filling enough. it's also warm which is good in the morning. i may have found the answer to all my troubles.

  • 2-21-01 (16:28)

  • talked to dungey today, so we might soon be on a first name basis, that's pretty nifty. between our talk and my talk with my dad last night i think i understand nietzsche a bit better and am less affected by what he has to say, without fooling myself or conveniently overlooking facts of life. that's good on both accounts.
  • techno macht spass.
  • i need to make some phone calls and get some shit done before i go to work at 6pm tonight.
  • the next time you have a day to yourself drink a gallon of water, your body will thank you.

  • 2-21-01

  • i think it's really great that we have an economic system that allows, and actually encourages, people to live beyond their means. i just don't agree with how people usually spend their money. i mean for an in debt old grandmother to be able buy her grandson food every month without having to sell her soul is pretty nifty. for me to go into debt so that i can take an amazingly cool trip is also pretty sweet. for me to go into debt to buy a new wardrobe is retarded.
  • wardrobe is a funny word.
  • got the window fixed. they thought i was coming tomorrow so i just walked away and he stopped me and basically just said that he'd fit me in today. if i would have left, which i intended to do, then i wouldn't have come back later. i was really angry at that point, i wonder what my face looked like when he said "we had you down for tomorrow."
  • the car runs quite shitily.
  • got home ate some chinese food that i bought.
  • got an email from my girlfriend. got the vw rear bumper today and the postman who delivered it asked if i had a volkswagen (the bumper came in plastic wrapping so he could see what it was). i said that i did. he said "looks like a bumper for a volkswagen." i had no reply, but a smile. nice people are good.

  • 2-20-01 (23:16)

  • freedom is the most valued, yet seldom used, thing i can think of.
  • waking up early to get the bug window fixed, that should be annoying and suck really bad if it ends up raining at 7am. hopefully the bug will warm up well tomorrow.
  • cool picture of the earth at night time. i think the coolest thing about the picture is that you can see how the populations are gathered around certain areas...in egypt they're all along the nile, in russia they're all along the railroad lines, in the mediterranean they're on the coast...
  • the painting at the bottom of this update is called "Derrida Queries de Man" and if you know who Derrida is then you understand why this painting is so perfect. i think nietzsche would have loved this painting. actually if you read enough into it (which would probably require reading some nietzsche or derrida or probably any other notable post-modernist) then this painting is worth more than a thousand words - it really does sum up post-modernism; at least in one sense.
  • not to read too much into it, but i really love the color choices and the illegible typing that comprises the mountain and cliff.
  • updated mp3 list.
  • got a midterm and a short paper back today, one for sociology the other for film class.
  • didn't miss any class today.
  • called my sister and wished her a happy birthday.
  • talked to my dad and he actually asked me about graduation, that was pretty amazing. talked with him about nietzsche as well, he's always got something intelligent to say. i wish i was more like that.
  • i should sleep now since i have to wake up early tomorrow.
  • film teacher said he didn't like jarmusch's "dead man." i was surprised by that because for the most part he has really good taste.
  • to me the thing about art is that it doesn't have to be everything at once, and i'm growing to appreciate that more and more...which seems to be the opposite of what happens to most people i know who study it. most people i know have grown more and more elitist about art the more they study it, i think that is sad. for the most part i don't like elitism, though i'm guilty of it at times, just like anyone else. at any rate, art, to me, can and should be appreciated at several levels. the pop level, the respectable mid-level art, and the high art level. most simpletons discard the high art level (the avant-garde, or experimental, anything different) as annoying shit that has no point - they just can't appreciate it. most elitists discard the pop level art as simple and for the masses and thus not worthy of being labeled "art."
  • i used to fit into that last category, up until about 9 months ago or so when i started questioning myself (gasp!). it's nice to be able to watch a well done, but not really artistic action flick and have fun with it. it's nice to be able to listen to some pop music which doesn't have any real artistic point, doesn't revolutionize things...it just is. this is not to say that people should discriminate. there are some things which are obvious productions of the pop machine, whether it be of the hollywood or boy band variety. but there are some movies, pieces of music, etc. which can have a pop feel, look, or sound without being completely insulting to one's intelligence.
  • i'll use Mission Impossible 2 as an example since it was a movie which i kinda liked on the action level the first time i saw it, but was overall disappointed by. after i watched it a couple more times and was able to just suspress my educated instinct to rail on it, i found myself enjoying it. i didn't like it on the same level that i liked M or paths of glory, but i liked it nonetheless. at the same time i didn't like something like "The Man With The Movie Camera" on the same level as something like paths of glory. they're just different kinds of movies. my favorite movies are movies which, to me, are great on all of those levels. the greatest movies draw you in on the first viewing, without much effort, and keep you satisfied with every viewing thereafter.
  • i guess what it really comes down to is balance. i've said it before, but it bears repeating - life is about balance and art is no exception. you can jizz all over the chordal progression of some beatles tune or gawk at how they start a song with the chorus instead of the first verse, but if you can't enjoy a simple pop tune once in a while then i pity you.
  • i'm going to listen to some uninventive pop music and go to sleep.
  • 2-20-01 (01:05)
  • the guitar introductions to "because" and "i want you (she's so heavy)" are really similar.
  • don't look at yourself in the mirror today. tomorrow look at yourself in the mirror for 15 minutes straight.
  • going to sleep on the floor again tonight.
  • saw scott today and he asked if i had lost weight. that's probably a bad sign on two levels - he hasn't seen me in a long time and i'm losing weight. i don't have a scale so i don't know. i'm going to buy cheese tomorrow so i can start having sandwiches.
  • finally updated my mp3 list...it's ridiculous now. i have over 65 hours of mp3s. 880 total.
  • the inside of my left ear always bugs me when i lay down to go to sleep.
  • i miss melanie.
  • it's my sister's birthday today.
  • i'm going to have cup o' noodles knock off for breakfast tomorrow.

  • 2-19-01 (21:50)

  • the i have a dream speech should have been called the let freedom ring speech. first of all he says the phrase "let freedom ring" almost as much as "i have a dream," secondly it sounds better, and lastly it comes at the climax of the speech.
  • work was better today than yesterday. so was my back.
  • slept in my rectangular sleeping bag instead of the mummy bag, much more free to move. i like sleeping with my legs curled up and i can't do that with the mummy bag.
  • i just ate a candy heart that said "got love"
  • my watch band is kinda broken. i just need to buy a new outdoors type watch. i'm thinking about one of the ironmen timex watches. should be cheap enough.
  • updated movies list.
  • tomorrow shouldn't be so bad.
  • i'm going to need to set aside some serious time to study and catch up.

  • 2-19-01 (02:22)

  • chris berman (espn football analyst, history major, and all around cool guy) once was talking about the two phases of football - the modern times and the old times, essentially. he dubbed the modern times as the post-montana era...joe montan, of course. and i think that pretty well summed up the impact of joe on football. although joe was more likely the perfect tool for bill walsh, so maybe it should be called the post-walsh era, but either way it marks a difference because of a particular player. in basketball maybe it would be dr. j...that's who immediately pops into my head anyway. at any rate...
  • for me there is the post-melanie era...after i met melanie i think a lot of my life took a change. now it was building for a while, the summer job, the dungey introduction to philosophy, the self-thought, etc, but only after melanie did things seem to really change.
  • i once said, and believe i'll stick by it still, that any professional athelete who gets married is probably doing his atheletic side a disservice. the notable exception would be jordan, but he's the exception to all rules. the reason being that once you have someone who's going to be there no matter what you lose the urgency of winning. for a lot of these atheletes winning is everything and if they don't win then they're failures. but i think that would change once they have someone to love. all of a sudden the urgency of victory is lessened. i'm not saying that's a bad thing, it certainly isn't bad at all.
  • it's almost as if love and that kind of competitive spirit inherent within so many professional atheletes are diametrically opposed...almost like democracy and capitalism. ;)
  • maybe i'm simplifying the situation. i'm making generalizations about atheletes and love and competitive spirit. so don't listen to me.
  • democracy and capitalism still don't get along. democracy - equality, compromise is key, classes are bad and breed non-participaion... capitalism - freedom to be unequal, competition is good, leads to separation of classes...
  • it's too late to think about this stuff.

  • 2-18-01 (22:36)

  • i think that when interpreting any piece of art work the interpreter should begin their essay with the words "to me..." it just kind of annoys me when people assume they know what the artist meant to do with this symbol or that image. it's not actually that it bugs me so much that people do it, because everyone does it, but when they do it pompously or over-confidently then it bugs. the reason i got to thinking about this might explain it better...there are people out there who would guarantee they know what the beatles song "come together" is about. when the fact of the matter is that only a couple lines have any meaning (and not much at that) and the rest, according to lennon, is "gobbledygook."
  • so my real point seems to be that i'm annoyed by people who think they know it all, but that's pretty much a universal sentiment. i see it manifested through elitism in art the most. so that's why i mentioned it in that context.
  • obviously i've been listening to a lot of beatles lately.
  • nietzsche midterm on thursday. that'll be interesting. i have yet to talk with dungey.
  • need to make a list of things i need to do. talk to dungey. sign on for the CBEST, SSAT, and PRAXIS tests in april or june. need to call dad. need to call car leads.
  • i average 7 hits a day now...at least that's what the total average since the inception of the page is. but it's a lot like my gpa - no matter how much better it gets making it look good probably isn't going to happen. once you're in the hole you never really get all the way out. i probably averaged .2 hits a day for a year, so the fact that it's up to 7 now is pretty amazing.
  • someone from UCI keeps visiting my site.
  • six more hours of work tomorrow. i think we got our raise last monday so all these hours are pretty nice to have. the paycheck after the next is going to be pretty sweet. penultimate is second to last...is there a word for the one after the next? it's not really the second paycheck. it's the one following the following paycheck. maybe i'm forgetting something, that wouldn't be a first.
  • watched some depressing commercials today - i think it was gateway that butchered blur's "tender" - funny thing about that was that i noticed it before vern. that's not really funny because i have listened to that song more than anyone should have a right to. some other commercial destroyed "come together." then there is target which killed devo's "beautiful world." then there was another commercial which had a not-so-good moby rip-off which proves the point he made when he said (roughly) "i may as well let them use my music because if i don't then they'll hire someone else to make a bad copy of it. and at least this way i can sell my music to a car company, take the money they give me and give it to an environmental group which is against car companies." i don't think he's selling out in the least.
  • i like the way the beastie boys sampled (on paul's boutique) the beatles guitar riff from "the end."
  • if i could just fast forward my life by a month then things would be better. i guess i would have missed one of my finals and that would have sucked, but other than that it would be cool.
  • i finally ended up paying the county for that overdue ticket. those bastards.
  • forgot, until now, to update the rainy days counter. supposed to rain 4 out of the next 5 days.
  • finally updated the poll.

  • 2-18-01 (18:24)

  • work was long.
  • nietzsche has this parable of a camel, a lion and a child in the desert. the camel is a beast of burden - burdened to carry all of things that hold us back everyday, across the desert. things that hold us back like thinking we're not good enough, we should be doing more, we're not where we should be in life, we should look better, own this or that, etc. - everything that comes with being domesticated by society. the lion , according to the parable, comes after living for a while and realizing that those values impressed upon us are largely based upon bullshit and that many of our values don't have value for us. so the lion devours the camel. the problem with the lion is that it is too wild and doesn't create anything but destruction. the child openly creative, innocent, has no baggage. if one ever gets to this point one is free from the constraints of self and society...no longer do you go to work every day for the man while suppressing your desire to create - whether through ceramics or music or any art. but being as innocent and ignorant of society's constraints which keep others down is extremely difficult.
  • i really like that parable because it describes fairly well what a lot of college students go through. college seems to be the place where we realize all these things and start to question the last 18 years of our life. whether we decide to dumb our boyfriends and become mormon or recreate ourselves for ourselves - without religion, self-help books, etc. - is another story.
  • so go outside and play in the rain because you can and because people have told you not to your entire life.
  • i was thinking last night what one can truly be proud of...grades? good looks? a nice car? hard work? profound thought? all of those can work to varying degrees...you have to work for a nice car, some need to work for good looks or grades, thinking is useful and seems to be rare these days, but i think that recreating yourself is something that one can be truly proud of. a pretty nietzchean principle, recreation is. and i think he was onto something. because if our society valued arm-fart musicians as highly as it does basketball players then the world would be turned upside down. i remember the first time i thought about that...i was in high school on an outrun and i thought that it was cool that i was good at running. but then i thought to myself - what if being good at running was viewed the same way as being good at cat's cradle or patty cake or something lame like that? in a way it's different, but what i'm saying is that grades, sports, and nice cars and that stuff makes one feel good about themselves because it's valued by society. i don't know why those things are valued by society - possibly because it's a sign of hard work, but that's not always true. so maybe the only thing someone can be truly proud of is freeing themselves from themselves. from devouring the camel. from recreating themselves...however you want to put it.
  • i don't know if i buy all that, but it's a thought.
  • "because" is a very good beatles song.
  • "bring it on home" is an equally good led zeppelin song. from now on when i think of a good beatles song i'm going to come up with an equally good led zeppelin song, starting with the same letter. "something" by the beatles "stairway to heaven" by led zeppelin. "rocky raccoon" by the beatles "rock and roll" by led zeppelin.
  • slept on the floor for only part of the night. i've very picky when it comes to sleeping and that sucks. i'm going to have to train myself to sleep in more arduous conditions.
  • this metro looks pretty phat. 4 cylinders even. 1995 is the best year.
  • kings lost to the jazz, that saddens me very much.
  • dale earnhardt died while racing at daytona.

  • 2-18-01 (00:33)

  • celtics beat the blazers. the celtics have what it takes, for next year.
  • same deal for me tomorrow - 6 more hours of work. whoop whoop.
  • rented 5 movies tonight, but here's why - i borrowed "the apartment" from my dad over the break and finally got around to watching it today. 2 hours through the movie it cuts out and starts rewinding. as it turns out it was at the end of the tape - my dad didn't end up taping the whole movie. so i rented it to watch what turned out to be the last 4 minutes of the movie. luckily it was well worth it.
  • updated movies list. i'm definitely going to need to check out some more billy wilder - so far i've liked everything i've seen of his - stalag 17, sunset blvd., apartment, and double indemnity.
  • my back feels better, but still tight. it sucks. might sleep on the floor tonight.
  • when are the fucking beastie boys going to tour or release an album or something? dammit.
  • "a simple prop to occupy my time" - REM...that reminds me of my ramblings on "hallway" friends.
  • i'm a pretty lucky guy to have found melanie.
  • i'm also lucky to have been raised my my mom.
  • i have work in 10 hours, i shall be sleeping soon.
  • the beastie boys will end any bad mood ever. i think the same goes for stevie wonder.
  • is the art in the creation or the interpretation? both? 02:02

  • 2-17-01 (18:21)

  • it's nice to be desired, by pretty much anyone.
  • republicans amaze me. i've given them an honest shot at redemption, but they consistently piss me off. recent reasons 1 and 2.
  • got another credit card in the mail. america can be great sometimes.
  • i'd like to get around to tuning up the bug sometime soon.
  • well those xfl games, judging by the scores, seem really exciting....at the half one game is tied 6-6 the other is 6-0.
  • the beastie boys are the shit.
  • vern pulled a jorgay today...i open my creamy butter container and see a about a billion bread crumbs left in the container on top of the butter - he obviously had to butter his bread. the only reason i didn't promptly take a dump on his computer was (actually there are two reasons) 1) he's hooked on the tony hawk video game so he'd probably see me pulling my pants down and stop it there. 2) i figure that since he left me enough bread crumbs to make a couple slices of bread, it's a fair trade. vern's a funny guy. i remember when jorgay did the same thing...i distinctly remember the look on his face when he came home with a pile of chris poop on his desk. it was great fun.
  • if i was in a frat you'd probably believe me.

  • 2-16-01 (22:40)

  • it's nice to see the sacramento kings getting their due - they made the cover of SI this week. the article talks about kings basketball being fun, exciting and pure. it's good stuff, old news for me, but it's nice to know that sports illustrated has finally caught onto something those of us up here have known for the past few years - the kings are the most fun team in basketball. in my opinion the most fun team used to be the knicks, though in a different way. tonight the kings rocked the nuggets - 117-84, despite webber being out. shoulda seen that one.
  • my room is a sty.
  • tomorrow i work for 6 hours. that's 6 hours of time to read or study, let's see if i take advantage of that.
  • i'm not very goal oriented.
  • the internet is boring. boh-ring.
  • i bought expensive type stuff today - razors are more expensive than i would have thought, and i bought two of just about everything i got. so now i have plenty of toothpaste and shaving cream and such. for some reason all that is at the fore of my mind.

  • 2-16-01 (20:39)

  • because factoids are fun:
  • Number of electric cars owned by Americans in 1912: 34,000
  • Number of electric cars owned by Americans in 1997: Roughly 2,300
  • Top Five U.S. Coastal Debris Items
  • 1. CIGARETTE BUTTS
  • 2. PLASTIC PIECES
  • 3. FOAMED PLASTIC PIECES
  • 4. PLASTIC FOOD BAGS/WRAPPERS
  • 5. PLASTIC CAPS/LIDS
  • Forty percent of deaths worldwide are caused by pollution and other environmental factors, according to Cornell University scientists.
  • The equivalent of ten city blocks of rainforest is destroyed every minute, that's an area the size of Pennsylvania lost every year.
  • A bulldozer must remove 60 rainforest trees to reach one mahogany tree.
  • There are 100 different species of large trees in a single acre of rainforest.
  • Every week more than 500,000 trees are used to produce the two-thirds of newspapers that are never recycled.
  • ate some tortellini tonight with really good pasta sauce that melanie picked out. i'm still hungry.
  • my mom recycles more than you do, guaranteed.
  • i guess the point i'm trying to make is this: the earth is strained and the environment is fucked. just think about flushing the toilet every other time you take a leak or taking one less shower a week or using a cloth towel to dry your hands instead of a paper towel. then think about if half the country did that...it comes down small diffuse costs and large concentrated benefits.

  • 2-16-01 (19:31)

  • if the average commuter passenger load in the u.s. were increased by just 1 person per day we would save 3 million gallons of gas each day.
  • what greenpeace spends in a year general motors spends in 4 hours.
  • in europe 50% of the cars still use leaded gas.
  • over 8 million tons of oil are spilled into the world's oceans every year.
  • 5 billion gallons of water are flushed each day in the united states.
  • sewage treatment facilities in the u.s. discharge 5.9 trillion gallons of sewage wastewater into coastal waters every year.
  • 1 billion animals are killed each year in experiments.
  • 1 ton of recycled paper saves 17 trees, 7,000 gallons of water, and enough energy to heat the average home for 6 months.
  • enough wood and paper is thrown away each year in america to heat 1 billion houses for a year.
  • six times more jobs are created by recycling as by landfill operations.
  • the amount of money spent on trash disposal in american schools is equal to that spent on new textbooks.
  • americans throw away 10 million cigarette lighters every week.
  • 500,000 people die of cigarette related diseases in the u.s. each year.
  • pesticides that are banned in the u.s. (such as ddt) are regularly sold to 3rd world countries.
  • americans spend 6 billion dollars on their lawns each year.
  • more money is spent in the u.s. on nuclear weaponry in one year than was spent on housing from 1980-1992.
  • to date, cleaning up storage facilities for nuclear debris has cost taxpayers 200 billion dollars.
  • in 1989 the u.s. military used 200 billion barrels of oil, enough to keep all american public transit systems running for 22 years.
  • 1 ton of toxic waste is produced by the u.s. military every minute.
  • i'm going to watch seinfeld now.
  • turn off lights if you're not using them.
  • buy green forest brand toilet paper and paper towels.

  • 2-16-01 (17:01)

  • today was the fifth of at least thirteen consecutive days with some work. the next three days i have 6 hours of work each day.
  • got a pretty good song called "rock the house" sounds like something that negativland or evolution control committee would make - spliced a bunch of bill clinton quotes so he says weird stuff like "so here's my tool, larger and harder than ever." it's pretty funny.
  • had a 1994 geo metro that i was looking at - only 55K miles on it, good condition, he had the maintenance records, etc. for $1750. sadly it was sold last night. i would have liked to get that one. what was even better was that it was in LA so i wouldn't have had to pay shipping costs. oh well.
  • "happiness is a warm gun" is a very good song, i just wish it didn't make doing heroin seem so fun. to my immediate knowledge led zeppelin didn't have any songs which glamorized drug use; and certainly not as many as the beatles. fucking beatles. led zeppelin still owns them.
  • i want all the beatles albums.
  • the u.s. and britian decided to start bombing baghdad again. whoopie.
  • got a bunch of food today. i'm going to go eat some.

  • 2-16-01 (01:30)

  • class early tomorrow. class on friday sucks, especially when it's the earliest class of the week.
  • saw some extremely funny stuff on conan tonight. the insult dog (actually a hand puppet) was on and i laughed for 5 minutes straight - the kind of laughter that makes you cry and hurt and lose your breath. it was just fantastic. the last time i laughed that hard was probably while watching south park the movie. i need to own that.
  • i thought i had some news, but for the most part i don't remember what i've done on any given day.
  • jon is a bad influence on me, but while we skipped class we talked about nietzsche and so the time wasn't ill spent. i also got a free chicken quesadilla out of it.
  • i'm not going to miss any more classes for a while.
  • now that i picked up two more sub type shifts at work for this week my next paycheck will be over 200 bucks again. i think the raise kicks in after this last paycheck, too; so that's good news.
  • speaking of money - my checkbook register has a positive number in the balance column for the first time in over three months. it's also likely to stay that way for a while.
  • i've definitely got to sublet my room this summer - two full months worth of income for a room i'm not living in would be nice. naturally i'm going to have to store all my stuff, but i was going to need to do that anyway.
  • checked up on the dmv website how much a $2500 car would cost to get registered, it seems that i'd be able to do it for under 200 bucks. 175 in a use tax, 15 for transferring the ownership, and as long as i get the smog certificate then that should be it. that's good news.
  • now that i eat on somewhere around 3 bucks a day, it makes me value one hour of work a lot more. before i would think that taking a two hour shift was pretty worthless - it's only like 12 bucks, that won't even buy a cd. it does buy about 22 lbs of rice though. and it is almost a full work week's food budget. so i picked up another couple shifts tonight. the supervisor made a comment about my picking up so many shifts so i told her about the trip.
  • UCLA beat arizona today, in overtime. ucla should be ranked after that victory.
  • i still don't have a good list of non-museum or national park type sites to see for the trip...stuff like niagara falls or central park or mt. rushmore. that's me asking for suggestions.
  • since a few people have asked - 42 to was a reference to the douglas adams book wherein this super dooper machine spits out the meaning to life = "42." so the answer to life is 42. funny huh?
  • i should get some sleep. 02:02.

  • 2-15-01 (03:01)

  • i wonder how i'd respond if i had a friend who wrote all the weird shit that i seem to write on this page. for the most part people don't even mention it, i don't know if that's a good thing.
  • you know what's annoying is when you send someone an email and you talk about all sorts of things and they reply, but it's like they didn't even read your last email. it's not even worthy of being called a "reply."
  • this mormon chick who went to my high school emailed me the other day. she's about as happy as they get. ignorance in the right areas will do that to a person. i hope that she never reaches the same conclusions as i have because she'd probably be a less motivated and useful person.
  • i really should go to sleep before 1am from now on because my brain's chemicals just fuck me up too much past midnight. serratonin? i think that's what it's called.
  • firesign theater are pretty great.
  • there are two big pieces of news everyone seems to be bringing up: the break up between nicole kidman and tom cruise and the napster ruling. i guess the thousands of darkies who died in india was last week's news.
  • it's a good thing everyone knows that i'm not a bastard, otherwise that line would be taken completely wrong. i probably set myself up for stuff like that too much. i wonder what people at work think of me. i wonder what peoples' impression of me is after only knowing me for a short while.
  • i haven't put any money in the savings since before christmas. so for three months of looking forward to the trip i haven't saved a damn cent.
  • it feels like i've done a lot of updating in the last couple days.
  • i wonder how many couples are getting laid tonight. i wonder how many couples had a fight tonight. i wonder what the sum worth of valentine's day is. it makes some people feel really special and some pretty bad. the thing is that it makes people who already have a significant other feel good (usually) and makes those who are single feel bad (for the most part). it's really a pretty worthless holiday. it does bolster the economy, but at this point everyone takes into account holidays in their budget, so rather than a holiday being a bonus, it's just built in. i think that the federal reserve should get rid of all the economy boosting holidays - from valentine's day to christmas - and use other holidays in their place. the only difference is that they should use them as and economic tool - as needed, rather than built into the calendar. because everyone knows that at the end of the year the economy is going to do better because of christmas, but the news reports are always to the effect of "the holiday boost hasn't been as significant as expected..." and it seems to me that if businesses weren't relying on holidays so much that we'd probably be better off. of course i'm not a good example - every time i make up a budget for december i add an income column for "xmas gifts." my grandma in fresno always sends me a check and my dad is almost always too lazy to actually buy anything, so i know i'm going to get some cash, and i rely on that.
  • in practical terms my suggestion has no real merit, but it was a nice thought exercise.
  • i really like the western style whistling sound that tupac uses in "ambitionz az a ridah." i don't like that he misspells just about every song title. eazy-e is even worse when it comes to spelling song titles.
  • it's hard to believe that just a few days ago i was in LA, with melanie, with my grandparents, with my mom and sister. seems like a really long time ago. time is lame.
  • charlize theron made a fool of herself on tv tonight. she was on the jay leno show and was tipsy. i'll never ever understand being tipsy or drunk, it just doesn't compute for me.
  • Breathe
    "Breathe, breathe in the air
    Don't be afraid to care
    Leave, but don't leave me
    Look around and chose your own ground
    For long you live and high you fly
    And smiles you'll give and tears you'll cry
    And all you touch and all you see
    Is all your life will ever be"

    Run, run rabbit run
    Dig that hole, forget the sun,
    And when at last the work is done
    Don't sit down it's time to start another one
    For long you live and high you fly
    But only if you ride the tide
    And balanced on the biggest wave
    You race toward an early grave.

    Time
    "Ticking away the moments that make up a dull day
    You fritter and waste the hours in an off hand way
    Kicking around on a piece of ground in your home town
    Waiting for someone or something to show you the way

    Tired of lying in the sunshine staying home to watch the rain
    You are young and life is long and there is time to kill today
    And then the one day you find ten years have got behind you
    No one told you when to run, you missed the starting gun

    And you run and you run to catch up with the sun, but it's sinking
    And racing around to come up behind you again
    The sun is the same in the relative way, but you're older
    And shorter of breath and one day closer to death

    Every year is getting shorter, never seem to find the time
    Plans that either come to naught or half a page of scribbled lines
    Hanging on in quiet desperation in the English way
    The time is gone the song is over, thought I'd something more to say"

  • maybe i'm just a simpleton, but that is real poetry to me.
  • it's almost 4am which means i should get to sleep so i don't miss class tomorrow, that would be bad news.
  • i'm pretty happy that i was able to fix the gas gauge on malcolm.
  • 42

  • 2-15-01 (01:11)

  • bdp is strangely addicting. something about their beats i think.
  • conan is the best of the late night shows, but that's obvious.
  • a faster internet connection would be nice, but then i'd get spoiled.
  • i'm content with modem speed connections, ugly houses, boring classes, etc. it seems like most of the time i don't complain about things in my immediate environment as much as others. but when it comes to things outside of my control it's different. kinda reminds me of the woman in "sex, lies and videotape." it's not that i don't complain about things, but it seems like i complain about things which aren't as immediate or personal. maybe i shouldn't be content with ugly carpets and annoying teachers. nevermind that, i complain plenty, just about different things.

  • 2-14-01 (22:27)

  • today has been pretty shitty overall. i got stuff done, but mostly rotted away in bed until around 2:30pm and i didn't even go to sleep that late.
  • work was lame. jenna is an annoying person.
  • questioning just about everything i do or think is supposed to be good, it's supposed to make me better, but really it's just made me mad; both in the sense that i'm going insane and in the sense that i'm angry. but it's a pandora's box, i can't just stop questioning things around me, things that i think or do. it would be easier if i did, but i don't think i should. suicide is easy, but i'm not going to choose that. taking drugs is easy, i'm not going to do that. buying into other peoples' conceptions of good or right is easy, but i'm not going to choose that either.
  • there is a book at work entitled "life is hard." duh.
  • got a hit the other day for "casablanca fan"
  • picked up another 5 hours of work this week. saturday, sunday, and monday i work 6 hour shifts. that's no bonus at the library, but it'll give me money to spend on a trip which is getting ridiculous at this point.
  • if i didn't go on the trip work during the summer and make money instead of spending it. i wouldn't have to eat rice or pasta every day. i wouldn't have to hear shit about metros being bad cars. i wouldn't have to do any planing and could overall just relax.
  • what would be really neat is if i could just sell everything i have and just live like a bum for the rest of my life. i know that i'm romanticizing it, but you have to admit that aside from the cold nights and not knowing where you're going to sleep the next night, a life like that would be really really great. i could reinvent myself completely. i could REALLY shed the material things that control ALL people on a daily basis. i could go wherever my next ride took me. i'd live life like the world meant for it to be lived. if there is a god then i'd be watched over and if i died then it would be meant to be anyway. spending wet cold nights in the gutter would build character, while being on my own and living life for myself would make me a stronger person.
  • doing something like that would probably be really great overall, but would also be extremely hard to actually do. i'll wait until my life falls apart and then it'll be easier to do.

  • 2-14-01 (17:25)

  • besides movies and music (because they're too general), the things that have made me cry the most:
  • my self-image.
  • my dad.
  • thinking about how horrible the world is.
  • thinking about bad things happening to melanie.
  • losing the ex-girlfriend.
  • tupac.
  • in other news...got out of bed quite late today and skipped class. i've got work in half an hour, i plan on going to that.
  • it's pretty nice outside.
  • ordered some more maps from AAA
  • set up an appt. with the bug shop to get the window fixed, that's what credit cards are for.
  • bought a cheap phone today.
  • been getting a lot fewer updates than usual in the last couple days.
  • filled up the bug and discovered that i did indeed fix the sending unit - the gas gauge now officially works. yay.
  • i've got a really strong desire to fix my problems myself. no drugs, no shrinks, no self-help books. the merits of that stance are still yet to be known.

  • 2-13-01 (23:40)

  • "He was a wise man who invented God." - Plato
  • no one can say with any real certainty that they know what they know and that it is true or real. everything can be deconstructed and picked apart to death, or at least to serious doubt. but the saying that "absence of proof isn't proof of absence" goes both ways. on the one end you have a firm belief in x or y and on the other you have a doubt of everything - god, yourself, feelings, existence, etc. so what happens in the middle? i guess that's what you have to figure out for yourself. the truth is that you can't know anything for certain. from there it's up to you what to do...but no matter what you choose i think it's a rationalization. rationalization has a negative connotation (as it usually should), but in case i think it's just the truth of the matter - neither good nor bad. so then is it even necessary to know that the life you are living is a rationalization? ignorance, in this case, certainly is bliss...it makes rationalizing your beliefs far easier, it gives you more to latch onto.
  • if you don't think about things too much and if you don't seriously challenge everything around you then you won't come to the conclusion that everything you think you know or feel is real, really can't be proven. that ignorance is functional, this much is certain. why can't anything be proven to be true without a doubt, some might ask. well i'm no deconstructivist, maybe you should read some kant or nietzsche or derrida or other post-modernists, but most things i think are real i've been able to cast at least some shadow of doubt on. how do i know that love is real? there are those who would claim it is only a trick of the mind that allows for guilt free procreation, or is functional in other ways - it's not real in it's origins, other than being a means to an end. from my brief knowledge of kant he would say that anything that one perceives is only their perception of the thing and one can't be certain it is the way it is because everything is subject to interpretation - from desks to love to god. your interpretation is subject to all sorts of things - personal experience, environment, etc. it's all a great mind fuck.
  • so if one is really rational and looks at the function of all these things and bases their worth upon their function then what happens? belief in a higher power and many of the things that usually go with that - a belief in higher authority than that on earth, a belief that there is a right and a wrong, a belief in justice (whether this be manifested in heaven and hell or the Amish belief that those who work hardest will be the best off in their next life (or is it their afterlife?) or karma or any number of structures which religions design to give followers a sense of justice). believing in all that certainly makes life easier - you usually question less around you, you know right from wrong because it's prescribed in the koran, the bible, etc., you have a feeling that for all the piss and shit on this earth there is something greater out there - something greater to be aimed for - if you're mormon then you're aiming to one day be god of your own planet...all of those beliefs serve a definite function individually. i think they also serve a function publicly - if the preponderance of the populous believe that killing is bad, loving thy neighbor is good, etc. then norms are established, there is order. how people deal with deviance is a whole other question which is really interesting - do they claim heretics are witches and burn or drown them? do they attempt to convert them and kill those who rebel or resist? homogeneity sure is useful and functional and pleasant.
  • aside from religion or views on "god," what function does creating a world, which you know you can't prove to be real, serve? simply, it makes life livable. if you are constantly reminding yourself of the utter chaos and uncertainty of life and the world then surely you won't be able to live a sane life. at this point you should either kill yourself and get it over with or tell yourself a "noble lie" (as plato used in the republic) to substantiate existence. even nietzsche seems to acknowledge the necessity of some "illusion" or convenient creation of tangible truth. even though you know that nothing you "know" can ever really be known or true or real, you take a leap and make a floor to stand on - something you can base the rest of your reality on, knowing the whole time that the floor isn't really there. maybe that analogy doesn't work.
  • i think that a lot of theologians talk about "faith." that's pretty key because they know that nothing can be proved, and one must have faith in order to make things work. some people talk about a "leap of faith" - something that is required for any belief, whether it be the big bang, or the christian view of the world or what not. that faith is the floor i was talking about. you've got to make that floor, or take that leap in order for everything else to fall into place. what makes it interesting is what leap people choose to take - why they claim allegiance to that one as opposed to another. everyone is different, that's key, certainly, but beyond that what's interesting is how each defends their position. i don't believe in the death penalty. why do i claim that killing isn't good under all circumstances? why do i claim that there is probably a higher power out there, but it doesn't have control over my life, i'm not fated to do anything, there isn't a grand plan, etc.? i don't know. i can't back up my claim with any certainty, much of my beliefs are like that, and yet i stand by them. it's wrong to do wrong by friends or other people - why? it just is. even if they've done wrong by you? yes. why? it just is. this whole line of thought can be extrapolated throughout our lives - our thoughts on religion, politics, drugs, right vs. wrong, abortion, etc. from big to small and everything in between.
  • "i know that i know nothing" - socrates
  • absence of proof isn't proof of absence.
  • "get busy living or get busy dying"
  • language and words are really annoying at times. i don't like the word "god" because all these ideas of a christian conception of god come flooding into my mind. if someone asks me if i believe in god i always answer "i believe in a higher power." people usually say "well that's what i meant" or the like, and i can understand that, but i just want to make sure that i say it the way i really mean it - without the baggage of the word "god."
  • this pretty much goes for all labels. i buy into a lot of the stuff that marx says and a lot of the stuff nietzsche says, but i'd never call myself a marxist or nietzschean. this goes for politics as well - i'm not a leftist, i'm not a member of the green party (though i did register as such, though for different reasons -- i want the green party registration to be higher, i feel it sends a message, just like voting does, but i digress...), i'm not christian (though i believe that loving thy neighbor is good and killing is bad), etc. i understand that labels are easy...if i say that i'm a post-modernist nietzschean member of the green party one might get a good idea of what i think and feel...it's a lot easier to say that then to spell out my stance on all issues. i still resist labels, though, because they have lots of baggage. i consider myself a feminist because i think that women are persecuted based upon their sex, i feel that gender roles are detrimental - to both males and females, i feel that women should be treated like human beings, and i want things to change. beyond that i don't know what meaning being a "feminist" has - to some it might evoke an image of a militant hairy woman who wants women to be spelled womyn....there are numerous permutations of "feminist" thought and by calling myself a feminist i fear that i might fall into a category that i don't agree with. labels and words can be annoying and cumbersome.
  • this argument can be extended beyond labels regarding political or theological alignment - "car" to one person means something completely different than to another, but for the most part we have a picture of what a car is - four wheels, an engine, a basic shape, etc. language is a lot like rousseau's social contract. obviously when we're born we don't literally sign a contract saying that we will coexist in this political system with a mutual respect for each other and obey the laws of the land, yet it is assumed that we all have agreed to the social contract. the same goes for language - it's assumed that when i say car you'll be thinking of basically the same vehicle as i am. we buy into these norms for the sake of utility and for the most part they work, yet no one has actually consciously "signed" onto these norms in the sense that one would with an actual contract. we've never really agreed that from now on a car will be "a four wheeled vehicle with an engine of some sort in the general shape of this..."
  • got an email from my mom saying that it snowed at home, that's pretty cool. i think it was about 12 years ago (when i was in 4th grade) that it last snowed there. when we moved it they said it snowed there about every 10 years, so that would be pretty accurate. i had to go to school that day, that part sucked, but i remember there was snow on the bug the whole hour long drive into town.
  • going on the trip this summer is going to be very cool.
  • vern was a good companion on the hitchhiking trip, but i think that melanie will be an even better one on this trip. no hard feelings, vern, i'm sure you understand.
  • i don't talk about melanie very much on this here "journal," then again i don't talk much about anyone. i talk about my parents at times, but that usually comes out wrong and i get grilled for it. i talk about george w. bush almost as much as i talk about melanie, at least here.
  • basically i just wish she was here so we could hang out and talk about george w. together, or so we could watch "the mole" together and laugh at humanity's proclivity towards the outrageously retarded. i have more fun with her than i do by myself.
  • i'm usually fairly able to keep myself entertained, i'm not talking masturbation. i'm talking wandering around my room, coming up with plans for my life, planning the trip, working on little projects, thinking, updating this piece, listening to music, wasting my life on the computer, etc. with my friends there are limits to the entertainment i can get...maybe i can't have fun in situations a and b, but can have fun in situations x and y. or maybe there is just a finite time that i can be with certain people before we start to annoy each other. that's not the case with melanie.
  • vern's got a girlfriend now.
  • tomorrow i get paid, should be a good sized paycheck, the next paycheck won't be as big though because i took time off for the trip south.
  • hoping to get some things down tomorrow. going to warm malcolm up and take him for a spin. might buy a cheapo phone because cordless phones are pretty much worthless; at least mine is.
  • wednesdays are usually pretty good. class from noon to 130 which gets me up at a good time. then i have a big break until work which goes from 6-10.
  • had a lot of fun on my bike today. riding my bike is always fun, even when it's raining or windy i still beat everyone and i'm still better at bike riding than most. it's still a great source of confidence. there's no way in hell i'd be good at biking more than a couple miles and there's no way that i'd beat anyone with real bike riding talent, but being better than everyone else on the road gives me a false self-confidence which is still fun.
  • in trying to be less socialized i dismiss the things that lame consumerism culture purport as sources of worth - how many toys you have (from a cool minidisc player to over 500 cds), getting good grades or going to college, earning money, etc. while i dismiss those accomplishments as being culturally important, but not nearly as important to me, i forget to replace them with validly good things about myself. things like being a nice person or a good son or the like. that's where i've been failing...i've been acknowledging that society's conception of worth and goodness is largely based on bullshit, but i haven't been replacing the good feeling i once got from doing fairly well in school (without trying very much) with another good feeling which is based upon something that matters. so i was left with emptiness and negativity. this maybe tantamount to a moment of clarity.
  • it's probably about time for me to go to sleep.

  • 2-13-01 (20:11)

  • just took my film quiz, that went well enough.
  • i hope to get a lot done tomorrow. saw a counselor today and i should be fine in regards to my major. i don't think i'll need to take an 8am class, so that's good news.
  • allen iverson is stepping it up big time lately.
  • so i guess valentine's day is tomorrow. i just can't seem to get it right...either i don't have a girlfriend, or i have one and she's 400 miles away. either way valentine's day is shitty.
  • i want school to be done. can't wait until i graduate and get to just do nothing but sleep for a few days. then go on the trip, then work off my debt by working for the man, then become a teacher or something. either way i'm going to be working for the rest of my life. that's life though.
  • i'm not very hungry, though i should be. maybe i'll whip something up.

  • 2-13-01 (02:31)

  • rain song is easily one of the most powerful songs of all-time.
  • i should get to bed.

  • 2-13-01 (00:57)

  • been real short on time lately.
  • worked out a really tentative timetable the trip tonight. it at least got me thinking about how long we should be able to spend in each place - more or less.
  • i miss melanie a lot already. this is going to be a long second half of school.
  • my schedule next quarter could suck worse than any other to date. that would just be wonderful, it being my last quarter and all.
  • my boss talked to me and told me that she's going to give me a second chance with that SAIII position in the spring. this time i'll be sure not to miss the interview.
  • it's funny how the smallest moments are the most memorable. i don't remember much about my elementary school years - except for the day i got expelled. i don't remember much about junior high - except the day i called the police and then got suspended. i don't remember much about the year 2000, but i remember everything about the four or so days i went hitchhiking. i don't remember much about december 15th except for...well you get the point. i guess it's not really "funny," as much as it is an obvious occurence which shouldn't even be commented on.
  • the smallest measures of time mean the most, i guess that's what i was trying to say.
  • updated movies list.
  • i'm going to have something else to eat now.

  • 2-12-01 (23:00)

  • got a guide to free campgrounds around the country, that'll be useful. got it from amazon.com and they sent me 10 free 1 cent stamps. i thought that was pretty nice since i've got so many 33 cent stamps. that's the kind of thing that makes me like a company, it's also the kind of thing that gets them free advertising on my webpage.
  • might need to buy a new monitor because the one i'm borrowing from vern may be needed by his parents.

  • 2-11-01 (23:18)

  • trip to LA was way too short.
  • melanie got to meet my grandparents so that was really cool. i guess the question then is: "what is cool?" my grandfather is just spectacular.
  • the rain can actually be very nice a) with the right state of mind b) when you don't need to go outside. it's much more enjoyable when it provides a reason to stay inside and bundle up or go outside and be silly.
  • here's one of the metros i've thought about buying. ha ha.
  • i've got a midterm tomorrow and i should probably get to studying for that.
  • getting out of school is going to be nice.

  • 2-9-01 (11:23)

  • leaving pretty soon.
  • it's raining and my back still hurts. i skipped class.
  • it's quite possible that oppression and suffering bring out the best in people. then there's love.
  • i'm hungry and don't have much in the way of breakfast or lunch food.

  • 2-8-01 (17:24)

  • not much has happened today. i planned on getting lots of stuff done, but didn't really get around to it.
  • started the day off right with a phone call from melanie, that was the shit.
  • went to the sociology department and tried to get things figured out, but it was busy there and i didn't feel like waiting around. i'll go on monday or something.
  • planned on getting my petition to graduate, but put that off as well.
  • planned on buying some jewel cases for cds i make, but i had two left and that's all i really needed until later anyway.
  • still need to pack. that consists of putting a bunch of dirty laundry in a duffle bag and that's about it.
  • ordered a bumper for malcolm today, that's my xmas present from grandma so that'll be pretty nice to finally have.
  • kinda worrying about finding a good geo metro. it seems like most of them are going for around 2500 which is fine, but most of them aren't within a reasonable area so i'd have to add shipping to that cost which would not be good. i still haven't gone to any dealers in the area so maybe i should do that and pick up a classified section from the paper before i start worrying.
  • working 4 more hours tonight.
  • it's been pretty cold outside lately, but the lack of rain has helped it be more bearable.
  • been meaning to call my mom and sister, but haven't gotten home before 10pm since sunday.
  • think i'm going to sleep on the floor tonight because my back still hurts. i don't know what i did.
  • "reagan is the most ignorant president since warren harding" - ralph nader.
  • who was the most ignorant president ever? how about the most inept? they say that buchanan was the worst (also the only bachelor...) grant was pretty horrible. jackson was illiterate. george w. bush will probably prove to be at the top of that list somewhere as well.

  • 2-8-01 (02:26)

  • updated movies list.

  • 2-8-01 (00:08)

  • going to watch a movie pretty soon.
  • apple pie is good.
  • "free yourself from yourself"
  • work was 5 hours long and felt more like 3.75 hours.
  • need to do kind of a lot before i leave on friday. leaving at noon so i should be home around 6pm.
  • was supposed to sub for someone at work (from 11a-12p) and completely forgot...boss called and told me i was supposed to be at work, i got out of bed and biked over there. didn't feel good about being late. it was the first time i was ever late to work. i missed that interview last week and then i was late today. i'm just a mess. hope she remembers that i haven't been late the whole time i've worked there. but the overriding mentality of humans seems to be "what have you done for me lately."
  • speaking of which...chris webber got rocked. the kings got really really spanked by the timberwolves tonight, glad i didn't get to watch it.
  • i work tomorrow from 6-10pm.
  • forgot about my rsvp (adding classes) appt. time today, so i did it while i was at work. one of the classes may have been cancelled, need to check that out tomorrow. if it was then i have to take an 8am class in order to get a minor in sociology. that would suck more than i ever thought possible.
  • talked to vern about the hitchhiking trip. what memories. i can't believe how lucky we were in so many ways. nietzsche would have been proud - we really just threw ourselves into the chaos of the world. i remember having an overriding feeling that there was no way anything bad was going to happen to us. maybe it was jus that teenageresque mentality, i don't know, but it was the shit.
  • i'm down with method man.
  • going to watch that movie now.

  • 2-7-01 (14:23)

  • if i ever have kids i'm not going to tell them the adam and eve story. a) it's not true b) it wasn't written by anyone of real consequence c) it makes all humans out to be sinners d) it portrays women as bad. tell me the pratical point of telling my kids that story and i might consider it. i'm just fine with them being ignorant when some makes a reference to adam and eve. my kid will be like "who's adam and eve" and then someone else will say "you've never heard of adam and eve. ha ha ha. you're stupid. well here's the story..." hopefully by the time that situation arises my kid will already know that humans are born sinners (stupid - yes, sinners - no) and that women aren't bad, temptation, the reason for the downfall of humanity, etc.
  • so if we isolate the gene that makes people predisposed to alcoholism what effect would that have, in particular what effect would it have knowing that you have that gene? there are plenty of other effects - genetic tampering or screening, etc. but what is the effect of one person knowing that they have an alocholic gene. would it give them a self-fulfilling prophecy? would it make them more aware of their habits with alcohol? would it give them an excuse to get drunk - well i do have gene #339,384, so it's my destiny to drink...obviously it would be different for everyone. for me, although i didn't get explicit dna results saying that i had the gene, it made me accutely aware of the potential problems and so i've stayed as far away from it as possible. if only i had been told that i had a gene which makes me feel bad about myself...maybe i would have risen to that occasion in the same manner. but who is to say what the true effects of genetics is on our behavior. science has all the answers so i'll just put all my trust with it. after all, it is rational thought about what is seen in the world. what could be wrong with that?
  • there's one really cool thing about calculating the balance in my checkbook...every time i subtract a debit from the account the bottom line produces a larger number. nevermind that whole negative sign in front business.

  • 2-7-01 (01:04)

  • updated movies list.
  • been pretty busy lately. i have work or class until ten monday, tuesday, and wednesday so that's not usually very fun.
  • i think i've settled on taking 12 units next quarter. that reminds me - i have my rsvp pass time tomorrow, hopefully i don't forget about it.
  • saw a piece of this documentary about german film making and in particular musicals. it made my point that people are retarded painfully clear. it's not just americans who have hoaky musicals, germans did too.
  • saw more stuff about reagan than i would have liked to, it being his birthday and all. on the pbs station they kept lauding him, it was a sad sight. reagan was a shit. just one big pile of dung. a paper dung at that. a paper puppet pile of dung.
  • "fear eats the soul" besides that being the title of a fassbinder film, it is also very insightful.
  • i'm tired.

  • 2-5-01 (22:11)

  • "fear is your only god"
  • i think i figured out what my problem is/was. fear is very prevalent in all our lives, fear of losing control being probably the biggest problem. everyone wants to have control and think that their life is well-ordered or in control and not completely chaotic. when i think about how chaotic the world is it is pretty scary. i fear losing control (this assumes i had control in the first place, which in reality no one really has). what makes it worse is that i don't feel very adept at much of anything. i don't feel confident and so losing control comes even easier for me than for those who are confident in themselves. i also don't believe in religion or justice - like "everything is going to work out" or "god's got a plan" etc. so that makes me feel even less in control. nietzsche recognized this and said it was important to see it and thrive on it. it'll make you stronger. i don't feel that. i think it's true, but i don't feel it.
  • luckily for me the illusion of control has returned and though it is fleeting and only an illusion, i'll buy into it until i can get a grip on the fact that not having control is a reality.
  • i think that thinking about the roommate situation and the trip and idiot republicans and nietzsche all together made me realize how little control i have in my life. i probably listened to too much tool, too.
  • i'm still not a social person, probably never will be.
  • updated movies list.
  • i got a credit card in the mail today which said "chris you are going on this trip no matter what." it was a cool little safety net.
  • i think i need to stop worrying and love the chaos. i thank the full title of dr. strangelove for that insight.

  • 2-5-01 (01:25)

  • i think that the truth of me is that i'm sad and lonely, and on occasion i'm happy and semi-social. for the most part i really feel like i'm just a loner and that my life's going to be mostly lonely.
  • i want to be happy and able to do all the things that i admire, but i usually don't feel like i can. so am i the sad chris who is happy sometimes and able to be a good, caring, understanding person. or am i a happy person who is strong, caring, good, and accepting who sometimes lapses into sadness?
  • i hate nights, they're not good anymore.
  • i have to wake up early and watch death of a salesman. i have to finish this paper now. tomorrow will be long and stupid.

  • 2-4-01 (23:53)

  • so a racist is someone who discriminates based on race. a feminist is some who fights for equal treatment of females. a marxist is someone who buys into marx's theories on the world. english is screwy.
  • updated movies list.
  • cooked up my apple pie today, it's cooling right now. damn good.
  • had that pork today with a half cup of uncle ben's rice. good stuff.
  • i measure monetary things in terms of the amount of rice i could buy. i used to do the same thing, but with cds. so, if i work three hours at the library i'd say to myself - "i just earned one cd." but now i say to myself - "i just earned about 33 pounds of rice." since i buy more rice these days and since rice is more valuable at this point, i think it's a good choice to change to the rice standard.
  • crouching tiger has a 9.0 rating on the imdb.com website. there's no way it should have gotten that, especially if you consider that that rating places it at number 12, all-time. it's pretty obvious that those rankings mean absolutely nothing so i'm just over-reacting.
  • i love the beginning of "predator" when the guys are flying in the hellicopter and "long tall sally" is playing. what a great song. matched the mood really well.
  • i still stand by my belief that "die hard" is the best action flick ever. sure wild bunch is great and the opening scene is priceless and there are plenty of great john woo flicks. but from peckinpah to woo, and every thing in betwen (that i've seen) die hard remains the best.
  • just a few short months ago i was in a position where i felt a lot like an island. i had a couple of pretty close friends, but they could be avoided if necessary. if i was feeling down the only person who had to feel that was me, and, if i chose to write about it, possibly whoever read this webpage. it's not like that anymore and that's the kind of thing an anti-social, oft depressed person like me has to get used to.
  • i've got a paper to write.
  • they were playing 2001 in the video store while i was there.
  • i have no clue where i'm living next year and that's causing problems. waiting is a bitch. if i had the money i'd just live by myself.
  • seriously though, what the fuck is my problem? am i fucked up just because i don't think highly enough of myself? get over it you egotistical fuckwad. what a nimrod. you're never going to be as good as you want because you want too much, that's human nature.
  • i hereby decide not to respect the intellect of anyone who claims to be honestly religious - that is to say that they actually follow the word of their religion. independent thought, even when horribly misguided, is at the very least still independent from control.
  • anton lavey isn't so bad in my book because he provided a good balance to christianity. of course, people still demonize him. what he really tries to say is that satan didn't put up with being god's bitch and that's why he was sent to hell - for independent thought. this is not to say that anton lavey is some sort of genius, he obviously had some screws loose, but i like the fact that he embraces individuality and doesn't have any pretenses about humans being the greatest creatures on earth...."Satan represents man as just another animal, sometimes better, more often worse than those that walk on all-fours, who, because of his “divine spiritual and intellectual development,” has become the most vicious animal of all." it seems that claiming humans as the greatest of god's creatures is primarily a western thought. hmmmm.
  • here's one of the nine satanic sins: "3. Solipsism—Can be very dangerous for Satanists. Projecting your reactions, responses and sensibilities onto someone who is probably far less attuned than you are. It is the mistake of expecting people to give you the same consideration, courtesy and respect that you naturally give them. They won’t. Instead, Satanists must strive to apply the dictum of “Do unto others as they do unto you.” It’s work for most of us and requires constant vigilance lest you slip into a comfortable illusion of everyone being like you. As has been said, certain utopias would be ideal in a nation of philosophers, but unfortunately (or perhaps fortunately, from a Machiavellian standpoint) we are far from that point."
  • anyone who thinks a machiavellian standpoint is fortunate is, well, not exactly all there. it's really funny how machiavelli, father of the realpolitik (realist theory), is so often the basis for justification from psychos. if i'm not mistaken Mussolini was one such fellow.
  • tupac's nickname was Machiavelli and you can see why when you listen to his music.
  • at any rate, without getting into a great debate - anton levay, and thus the church of satan, make some good points which wouldn't be made by christians, but on the whole he's too realistic and reactionary for my taste. i like ganhi's view far more - be the change you want to see in the world.
  • all of this talk is delaying my working on the paper.
  • just got an email from an old high school track friend....here's an excerpt: "School is hard.  But, that's life.  We party hard in order to balance things out." he used to be such a naturally well-balanced fellow.
  • i've gotta tell you plainly - i really hold a great deal of contempt for this world. i don't like a lot of the things i see and i want it to change. i think variety is great, but must it all be concentrated on stupidity? i should be more accepting and understanding.
  • this is great stuff. i think bush is going to be a good president. i especially like this part: "Russia and the United States expressed clearly different views on the 1972 ABM treaty during the weekend conference. Ivanov said the importance of the treaty ``has not faded.'' By contrast, Rumsfeld, who returned to Washington Saturday, called it ``ancient history.''"
  • that whole "love thy neighbor" thing, in my book, is "ancient history" you fucking idiots! godfuck this world. i'm fed up.

  • 2-4-01 (01:12)

  • i'm still hungry and thinking about eating something. should have done that a while ago. had rice and a tortilla for dinner, needed more butter.
  • is it wrong to go to rubio's, buy something and then when i'm done take a jar full of salsa? i don't think i have a jar anyway. yea, it's wrong. scratch that idea.
  • it really is too bad that i have so many good ways to save money and most of them are bad. i said it before - i would have made a pretty good thief. sure i was caught once or twice, but that was before i was even 13. i'm wiser now.
  • that's another place where we draw the line arbitrarily. is it okay to steal a computer from work? is it okay to take a candy bar from safeway - they are a huge corporation, it's almost my job as the proletariat to steal from them? is it okay to steal a pen from work? a pad of paper from work? anything under 2 bucks is okay? everyone's got their own answer and everyone rationalizes it and thinks they are right. that's what's so funny about people, they're all right in their own eyes. am i right about that? of course i am, i'm always right.
  • we just need to figure this all out ourselves. i think looking to religion is a cop out, just like drugs. i think nietzsche glorifies the struggle a bit too much, but he's got a point. all this struggle - figuring out what is right and wrong to you, by yourself, coping with pain, struggling through life is noble and almost glorious. on the micro level it might be compared to the single parent who makes it through college and gets a good job all without assistance from the government. he's a good parent, student, and then worker. he's proud of having made it through all that by himself. sure it sucked while he was doing it, but he made it.
  • men are never single parents.
  • car alarms are annoying.
  • "free yourself from yourself" - maynard james keenan
  • "at one point, i thought about every ideological position i'd taken over the past twenty years, and i realized that i was generally full of shit." - Moby
  • i think that anyone who is able to be that introspective and honest deserves big time props. but of course we're all that honest and inward looking, it just so happens that we're right too. moby was introspective and honest, but dumb. right? challenge yourself. that's all i'm saying. chances are that you're like me and you knew it all when you were 16, and then again when you were 18 and then again when you were 21. but surely by now you've got it figured out so don't worry about it.
  • the sarcasm seethes.
  • surely it's my bed time by now. well it's only 1:35, my girlfriend is fast asleep because she's on the workforce, i'm not tired, i don't have anything i'd really like to do. i could fall asleep to a movie. i could watch the 'bug me' video and relearn how to tune-up the car. i could cook me up some grub. anything i can do with a couple of avocados? there's always the breakfast burrito route, but i'm almost out of taco sauce and that really is the anchor of the meal. i could study, but that isn't appealing in the least degree right now.
  • the tool cd i'm listening to has 69 tracks, i think that there was an anthrax cd like that...tracks x-68 were just one second tracks of silence.
  • the thing about knowledge is that it's accessible, more so now than ever. so that almost makes it less of a commodity in a supply and demand sense. the access to the supply is more abundant now than ever. the invention of moveable printing press, the encyclopedia, telegraph, radio, television, the internet...all have made knowledge more abundant and thus easier to access. i mean it's really almost to the point where anything i want to know i can find out in a matter of minutes, that's almost as good as having the knowledge yourself. so if someone asks me who directed nosferatu i can say "f.w. murnau," and that's all well and good, but it's not as if that knowledge is very hard to obtain. so in that sense my knowing that bit of information doesn't make me as special as i once thought. in a way that makes me feel better about not knowing everything that i wish i did. look ma! i just rationalized ignorance!
  • that's bad. if ignorance is bliss then knock the smile off my face. ignorance isn't good, but it's not as horrible as people may have once thought. it can be fixed. hell look at malcolm x. he did it in prison, without the internet. that wasn't always possible. it's more possible now than it was before. but what is required is the will to learn and the curiosity to explore various fields. hope i didn't get all the ignorami out there excited about being ignorant.
  • being ignorant isn't bad in and of itself. being ignorant and apathetic is.
  • i don't know and i don't care.

  • 2-3-01 (23:22)

  • would it be insanity to call love "a perpetual dissatisfaction with what you are able to do for the other?" that probably wouldn't be too great because then it begs the question of your perception to do right by the other. if you have no confidence in your ability then you'll mostly likely feel unable to do right by almost anyone you are fond of. this is also not to say that just because you feel like you can't do right by the other person that that means you're in love. and what if you only feel perpetually dissatisfied because the other makes you feel that way? overall it's a pretty crappy definition and not really a definition at all. but i bet for those who are in love and it's healthy they thought to themselves "you know, i really don't feel like i can ever do everything i want to do for that person, because i feel they deserve so much." that's the feeling i was trying to get at. have no misconceptions - i'm not trying to define love - i'm merely exploring it a bit.
  • the fucking clippers beat the trailblazers. that's sad, even if wallace and pippen weren't playing.
  • led zeppelin II is amazing.
  • every time i see phil i forget to give him his present. i remember before i see him and then by the time i'm on my way out, i forget.
  • so the xfl is official. whoop whoop.
  • bs2000 comes out on tuesday, don't think i have room in the budget for that cd purchase.
  • chris has a budget, huh huh, wow.
  • chris is speaking in the third person, huh huh.
  • i'm really craving some grub. it's late so i shouldn't eat, but waking up hungry every morning isn't good. i'll make that pork tomorrow.
  • "it's okay to eat fish because they don't have any feelings"
  • why is pork seen as such a sinful meat? i mean i understand the biblical stories, but why is that a universal thing across religions and cultures? is it really because they're seen as dirty? rats are dirty, but worshiped in india. i just don't understand it. i'll never go vegetarian, but i empathize with the cause. i figure that if more people were like me and ate meat sparingly then we'd be better off. but then we're still killing some animals and that's wrong in a sense. but where do we draw the line, becomes the question. i mean is the carrot harvest really a holocaust? is that going too far? fish are okay to eat, why? you can have fish, fowl and eggs are okay, but pork and red meat aren't. it's all arbitrary unless you have some religion guiding what you can and cannot eat. i swear that religion is just the best. it makes so many of the difficult decisions for you. as george carlin about religion i'll paraphrase - "it's mind control...so they're going to tell you some things that you ought not say, because they're sins. religion is going to suggest some things that you should say...here's something you oughta say first thing when you wake up in the morning, here's something you oughta say before you go to sleep, here's something we always say on the third wednesday in april after the first full moon in spring after the bells ring..." funny guy that george carlin, and he had it right.
  • obviously i'm not saying anything grand or eye-opening, but it's still stuff we take for granted. i say that i don't eat red meat and i'm not entirely sure why. i will eat it, but i prefer not to. some of it has to do with the taste, some of it is for humanitary reasons, some of it is because when it's not well cooked my stomach gets upset, but i don't really have any strong reasons for it. as jules says in pulp fiction "my girlfriend is a vegetarian, so that pretty much makes me a vegetarian" then he bites into a nice juicy big kahuna burger. what a great scene.
  • i'm hungry.
  • i don't value the life of a cow more than a pig's or a chicken's, but it does seem easier to accept the death of a chicken as opposed to a cow or a dog (if you're korean, thai, et al). i guess it makes perfect sense when you think about how arbitrary most of our lives are anyway.
  • i wonder why i shun superficial relationships to the extent that i do. i don't go to parties for lots of reasons, but one is because talking to people at parties is so on the surface. i think a big part is that on the surface there's nothing interesting about me. people who have a lot to show off about or feel proud of in the superficial and socially constructed way are more likely to thrive in party or social situations. the best time i had at a party was when it was at our old house. i had plenty of things to talk about on the superficial level at the time because i was a DJ and people always like that, i think i was also doing fairly well in school so when that topic came up i could talk about some paper i did well on. if i had more of those surface things going for me i might be more social, i'd still probably not go to parties, but keeping surface, or "hallway," friends (as i like to call them) would be more fulfilling. when i do talk with those hallway friends there seems to be an undercurrent of boasting. sometimes even a quick fix for some consolation - which i suppose isn't so bad so long as you can actually feel better from it; i can't.
  • "hey chris what you been up to?" "not much, and you?" "oh man i'm swamped, i've got three midterms in two days and a couple of my friends from out of town are coming on friday" "wow, sounds hectic" "yea it is. i've been studying for 13 hours straight and i'm kind of batty" "ha ha, that's funny. well good luck with that, bob. don't stress too much."
  • that's a perfectly normal conversation and i wouldn't mind too terribly having that conversation, but i can't help but think "what's the point?" so he's got lots of things going on and he wants me to feel sorry for him. great, i do, sorry bob, life sucks. i sound like someone who is bitter and probably doesn't have much of a life. "you're just jealous chris," i can hear people saying. was it hobbes or locke who said that we (humans) are not political animals, and in fact, we're not even social animals. the only time we are social is for vanity's sake. the only time we are political is to create a government. we create this government so that we don't have to be political in the future and so that we can be protected enough to pursue our own personal endeavors, and these personal endeavors are in the name of vanity and selfishness.
  • so maybe i'm just bitter, or maybe i'm right. either way we're both wrong because there is no right or wrong. ;)
  • back to the hallway relationships...i still don't know entirely why i refuse to have them. why don't i have a shitload of friends who i talk with a couple times a month and keep up appearances with just to be cordial? it's not because i'm an asshole. i'm not mean to people. i don't normally shoo people away with disdain because of their superficial concept of our friendship. rather, i just don't make an attempt to hold those types of friendships. i could, but i don't. i just know that it's not for me. maybe it's because i don't want to waste my time with something that isn't going to yield anything of much depth. though i must admit, having a shitload of friends like that might yield some useful information on occasion - "did you hear that such and such happened in the senate last night?" "why no, i didn't. do tell..."
  • so, is there anything wrong with those types of relationships? i'd like to have those kinds of relationships with neighbors. i don't foresee being buddy buddy with my neighbors, but at the same time i think being strangers is lame. so in that arena the surface friendship is just fine. it could be useful to have a store of friends like that because they could hook me up with a job somewhere down the line, or come up with some useful information - they say that networking is the key to success in the market economy. oh joy. it's true though, and in that sense having friends who are low maintenance and potentially high yield (assuming you choose the decent non-mooching ones) could be very advantageous. i could brag about the fact that i have a girlfriend and have to retell every success story (from hitchhiking to finding a girlfriend) about a billion times and be assured about a billion times that i'm cool for going on a hitchhiking trip or i could hear "congratulations" a billion times and i might even start to feel good about myself because there would be all this positivity when i brag to my surface friends. that's all well and good if i care what they have to say or if i want to tell those stories to people i don't really know, over and over and over again.
  • when i put it all into words like that it would seem like having those friends is a very selfish thing to do. they're low maintenance - so that's easy for me. they're going to console me when i bitch about having 3 midterms this week (something maybe my real friends are tired of doing). they could lead to good business, or other, opportunities. and all of that is just peaches and cream for me. i'll have to make a few appearances at some parties which maybe i don't want to attend and maybe i'll be a little late to class because i'll be stopped on my way to class by a few people i know, but overall friends like that are a wise investment. guess i'm not a very good businessman.

  • 2-3-01 (21:47)

  • updated movies list.
  • life is hard and that's supposed to help us get stronger, but i haven't learned that yet. learned in the sense that i can accept and live with it.
  • johnny is right - things are complicated. i guess i'm supposed to find solace in the fact that this will make me stronger later, but it sure doesn't feel that way.

  • 2-3-01 (18:21)

  • wanting to be the change you want to see in the world sucks when you see how shitty the world is and especially when you feel helpless to control your own life, much less the direction of the world.
  • 6 more hours of work today. no one has offered to take my two shifts next weekend so that's not good news. unmoving bastards people can be. work from 3-6 tomorrow.
  • i'm hungry. going to have some rice and butter.
  • malcolm x needed to branch out beyond race. it seems like that's the case for a lot of social movements...the african-american movement has always been indicted for not including women. feminists have been indicted for not including african-americans. there are different causes for the plight of women and the cause for the plight of women, but it seems to me that more of an effort should be made to be more inclusive. MLK tried to do that. i beg for someone to come along and make a real push for equal treatment for all those affected by the disparity in economic relations. let us not forget marx. that's the biggest issue, i think, and the other stuff - gender, race, religion, etc. compound and add wrinkles to that, but the basic core remains the same. if someone were to push the core, rather than the peripheral issues, i think it would be more inclusive and more effective. we should discriminate against those who are already discriminated against because they don't have it as bad as us or it's different. victims of racism aren't any better off than victims of religious bigotry or vise versa.
  • in other news - UCLA beat stanford. that's amazingly huge. UCLA should be in the top 25 after a win like that. stanford is no longer undefeated, i love it.
  • i mixed the japanese rice and the uncle ben's rice i have and it makes the japanese rice much more palatable.
  • going to watch crouching tiger with phil tonight. it's supposed to be good so the money i spend shouldn't be all for naught.
  • it's amazing how smart guys like marx, plato, nietzsche, weber, and locke all were and yet they differed so greatly in their views. i think kant would have some interesting insight on that.
  • everything comes to an end.
  • everything must change.
  • rules or universal applications are extremely limited and narrow-sighted.
  • when trying to apply rules to, or make a science of, anything you should first start with the assumption that you don't know anything. after that you can try to make a science of that which you see, but if you truly know that you don't know anything and that any universality you try to apply is ill-equipped, then you shouldn't go any further. i think that's where nietzsche's dream world, the illusion, comes into play. what i mean is that when one tries to make some grand rules which explain the world or the way things are they should first assume that don't know anything, because, as a matter of epistemology and kantian views on experience/perception, you really don't know anything beyond yourself. after you are aware of this then your endeavor to create rules for the way the world works should become painfully and obviously futile. if you incorporated a self-created or culture-created illusion that you can know some things then, and only then, does it become possible to make true statements about the world. of course this precludes any real knowledge of any truth because your "truth" is based upon an illusion.
  • that type of post-modern thought can get people really depressed really fast.
  • i'm going to go watch a good movie and forget all about it, because that's the sane thing to do.

  • 2-2-01 (22:27)

  • there aren't many things in life which are constant. some of them are that things will change, things will come to an end and that you'll always have to live with yourself. these seem to be the very things that people try to avoid the most. people don't usually want change in most aspects of their lives, they don't want things to come to an end, and often they don't want to live with themselves.
  • i want to go on the trip tomorrow.
  • most powerful moments in film?
  • the end of "one flew over the cuckoo's nest"
  • the jessie's girl scene in "boogie nights"
  • the end of "paths of glory"
  • the "the call me mr. tibbs" line in "in the heat of the night"
  • this list is going to be too long.

  • 2-2-01 (16:04)

  • last year's movie goal stats:
  • longest streak watching at least one movie: 9/19 - 10/16 (28 days)
  • most movies in a day: 6 on 12/29/00
  • longest lull: 3/17 - 3/27, part of this fell during the hitchhiking trip.
  • monthly breakdown:
  • january february march april may june july august september october november december
    19 26 16 16 17 23 26 27 25 33 22 39
  • total number of movies seen: 300. total number of new movies seen: 205
  • most seen movie: "American Movie: The Making of Northwestern" 5 times.
  • if anyone cares to calculate how many points i would have gotten under my new point system, be my guest.
  • i think that i'm finally starting to get a grip on my financial situation, now that i have a goal. having a goal helps.
  • planned out my schedule for next quarter...it's really tempting to take 20 units. at the same time it's equally tempting to take 12 units. maybe i should take 16 and compromise. 20 would get in the way of making money and would be more stress than i need, especially in my last quarter here. at the same time i want to take all of 5 courses which i've got lined up and it would be nice to say that i once took 20 units. also, if i took 20 units then i would have graduated in 4 years, without the aid of any AP units. not to say that AP units are cheating or anything, but it would be kinda cool. 12 units would be nice because this is my last quarter and i would like to relax in class and get lots of work hours in. i could take 16 units and take a class pass/no pass so the grades wouldn't be such an issue of concern. don't have to worry about it until late in february when i have my second pass time.
  • working a six hour shift tomorrow. that'll suck, but i should be able to finish off the russian revolution and get some studying for my sociology class done. hopefully it's not too busy.
  • didn't feel like waking up this morning. i was having a good dream, but i don't remember what it was about.
  • my right eye is twitching a lot today. my body is falling apart.
  • had my penultimate piece of bread just now. that shit was good. one more rosemary loaf left. saving the best for last is a good idea.
  • i watched 19 movies in january. that's the same number as last year. 19 movies is 6.33% of the 300 i saw in that year. the 24.75 points which i garnered this month is 7.07% of the 350 pts. which i'm aiming for this year, so despite watching the same number of movies i'm actually slighty further ahead of the game, through the end of january.
  • there sure have been a lot of numbers in this update.

  • 2-2-01 (14:44)

  • "As to the method followed by the anarchist thinker, it entirely differs from that followed by the utopists. The anarchist thinker does not resort to metaphysical conceptions (like "natural rights," the "duties of the State," and so on) to establish what are, in his opinion, the best conditions for realizing the greatest happiness of humanity. He follows, on the contrary, the course traced by the modern philosophy of evolution. He studies human society as it is now and was in the past; and without either endowing humanity as a whole, or separate individuals, with superior qualities which they do not possess, he merely considers society as an aggregation of organisms trying to find out the best ways of combining the wants of the individual with those of cooperation for the welfare of the species. He studies society and tries to discover its tendencies past and present, its growing needs, intellectual and economic, and in his ideal he merely points out in which direction evolution goes. He distinguishes between the real wants and tendencies of human aggregations and the accidents (want of knowledge, migrations, wars, conquests) which have prevented these tendencies from being satisfied. And he concludes that the two most prominent, although often unconscious, tendencies throughout our history have been: first, a tendency towards integrating labor for the production of all riches in common, so as finally to render it impossible to discriminate the part of the common production due to the separate individual; and second, a tendency towards the fullest freedom of the individual in the prosecution of all aims, beneficial both for himself and for society at large. The ideal of the anarchist is thus a mere summing up of what he considers to be the next phase of evolution. It is no longer a matter of faith; it is a matter for scientific discussion. "
  • went to class and work today, deposited my weak ass paycheck and then came back home.
  • now i'm filled with apathy. i don't care enough to do anything and i'm not much of a nap person.
  • my right heel hurts for no good reason.
  • my ear keeps bugging the shit out of me when i get in bed, only when i'm in bed - the inside itches real bad.
  • the geo ended up going for 1875. i knew it was worth more than what it looked like it was going to go for. those things go up so much in the last hour. so if i had gotten it for around 1200-1300 and paid the shipping then i would have paid about as much as the person who ended up buying it. all in all, i was pretty on track in my estimate.

  • 2-2-01 (01:44)

  • because it's better than rice and because it's free i think i'm going to eat some lasagna tomorrow at jon's place.
  • i'm hungry right now. i ate completely for free today...had a few pieces of candy which i got for answering that einstein riddle at work, had a few cookies which i swiped from work, and had a bowl of rice and chicken which my co-worker said she didn't want to eat. there aren't many days when you can eat completely free for the whole day. that's not to say that i had much to eat, i didn't, but it was all free.
  • i have class early tomorrow so i should be asleep now.
  • i'm fairly tired, but think i should write about something useful. i haven't done that in a while. i don't really have anything to say and i'm tired.
  • everyone needs help sometimes. no one is a rock, no one is an island, despite what simon and garfunkel would have you think. asking for that help is good and should be encouraged. giving that help should feel good. seems to me that that works out pretty well. now you just need to find someone who you want to help and find a way to do that. MLK was good. i'm leaning towards adam yauch as best person alive. i'm sure there are other people who are more qualified, but he's just got the right mix of having screwed up in the past and having learned from those mistakes and making the best out of his life. he's a great guy.
  • heard that the local sushi place has okay sushi, but you can go in there and have all you can eat for $7 between noon and 3pm. holy shit. i'm so there.
  • oh yea, i'm broke.
  • sushi sounds good right now. i love food.
  • anyone have any good rice or potato recipes?
  • i've actually got a fat thing of pork waiting to be cooked. i think i'll hit that up on saturday night. great. now i have something to look forward to.
  • i don't like it when ebay is down for maintence.
  • i honestly can't figure out why/how people are so retarded, and i choose retarded very purposely here. how hard is it to think progressively? how about to think at all? if you think that the problem is limited to america, or americans you are sadly mistaken. people are retarded all over the place. they had 'who wants to be a media whore' (although i think under a different name) in austrailia before they had it here. they have advertisments scrolling across the ten yard marker in football in europe. big brother and survivor both came from europe. in england they still buy shit music. they're still firing 6,000 steel workers in the next 2 years in the name of profit. they're still censoring music, namely eminem, because his lyrics don't jibe with them. i pick england because everyone seems to think that they have it all figured out over there. the fact of the matter is that europe is just as nutty and retarded as the us is. i think the biggest difference is that we're a much larger and younger country with more resources. if you ask jared diamond he'd say that's (resources) the biggest difference with any culture. the japanese are more american than americans are, and it goes right on down the line. in some african nations they think it's okay to cut off a woman's clitoris in the name of tradition. we're a fucking backward species and our cultures have manifested this in different, but often equally, inane and retarded ways.
  • don't take that as me sticking up for the us, i'm not. rather, take it as an indictment of all of humanity. americans are, largely, capitalist pigs who think that george bush is a good and apt leader, that the church and state go hand in hand (does anyone remember the religous reformations western civilization went through hundreds of years ago?). but that kind of thinking isn't limited to americans, sadly.
  • i'm going to sleep.

  • 2-1-01 (22:19)

  • updated archives page here.
  • worked for 4 hours today.
  • had this interview scheduled with my boss to see about the assistant III job (pays $7.00/hour) and i didn't remember about it until i woke up - 45 minutes after i was supposed to be there and 45 minutes before i was supposed to be in class, so i missed it. i said sorry and she's probably not going to bother with me at this point. so i'm a loser, even my sister says so (though she spelled it wrong in her email to me).
  • it's funny because the last two messages i've gotten have been from phil and my sister and both of them have told me that i'm a loser. i guess that's why i keep melanie around.
  • jon helped me out with my haircut today, looks pretty good, i'd say. his hair is much more difficult to cut. i didn't even bother with the top.
  • if i had gotten the raise at work it would have translated into somewhere around 240 more bucks over the next four months. i just kept thinking that today was going to be wednesday, so all day yesterday i didn't think about the next day being thursday and thus didn't think about the interview meeting. such is life i suppose.
  • the geo is up to $1325. if it were in sacramento or the bay area or such then i'd bid on it, but shipping makes it so it's probably not worth it. if 4 months from now i can't find a better deal then i'll probably kick myself, but in the meantime i'll consider it a good choice...
  • committee, commitment, success, and recommend, are other words i usually have trouble with, but i looked at them a long time and may have them finally figured out. anything with repeating letters is a bitch for me.
  • think i should get direct deposit at work, it'll come in handy later on.
  • the formula command on word tables is the shit.
  • mark borchardt continues to be the shit.

  • 02-01-01 (00:32)

  • well it's a new month. whoop whoop.
  • so far 2001 is pretty neat.
  • i crave some ice cream right now.
  • i wish i was wiser.
  • i really want to bid on the geo.
  • listened to some metallica today.
  • didn't learn much in class today. i can't wait until next year when i'm going to classes just for the hell of it and not paying to go and not having to do any of the assignments. i plan on frequenting lots of history and philosophy courses to keep me sharp. history because i'll always have something to learn there and i'll constantly be forgetting that which i have learned before. philosophy because i'll need the mental stimulation and i'm not so sure that my co-workers at whatever fast food joint i'll be working at will provide me with that.
  • if i was a really good hooker then i could turn a couple tricks and make enough money for the trip. hmmm. that reminds me of that really awful, but hilariously funny, forward "how to be the funny guy in your office." just classic.
  • i should get off(line) now. har har.
  • this is the largest month ever, in terms of file size. that's pretty strange considered all i wrote for last march with the hitchhiking trip and all. also melanie was here for 6 days in january so i don't know how, missing 6 days of updates, i could still manage to make this such a large month. i'm probably just having more diarrhea of the mouth than usual.

  • word on the street is that my sister is getting in trouble. teenagers. tsk tsk.

    1-31-01 (22:37)

  • pretty tired.
  • work was 4 hours. 4 more hours tomorrow and at least 3 more the next day - possibly 6.
  • tomorrow will be a new month.

  • 1-31-01 (15:25)

  • saw a counselor today and discovered that i only need to take 12 units next quarter and that i only have one science GE requirement left. i was pretty sure that that was the case, but i wanted to make sure. have to register for classes next week.
  • was looking over the new york tourbook that AAA sent me. there's more shit in there than should be legal. so much good stuff. found out that i can expect the temperatures at night to get down to the low 50s in the summer months. found a bunch of lodging, dining, tourist site type information. the tour book for CA has got to be twice the size of the NY one. it's going to be very tempting to eat out every night.
  • "try not to become a man of success but rather try to become a a man of value" - albert einstein
  • i'd have to say that that's one of my favorite einstein quotes (and he's got a lot of great ones). the only problem would by the word choice, but i think even hardcore feminists would let it pass with einstein.
  • "sometimes the majority only means that all the fools are on the same side" - michael w. smith...thought that one would calm those of us who are disturbed by the bush election.
  • "what you do speaks so loud that i cannot hear what you say" - ralph waldo emerson
  • "to know what is right and not do it is the worst cowardice" - confucious
  • "integrity without knowledge is weak and useless, and knowledge without integrity is dangerous and dreadful" - samuel johnson
  • any time i think of sam johnson i have to recall the quote used by colonel dax from paths of glory: "patriotism is the last refuge of the scoundrel" - samuel johnson
  • quotes fill space better than i can.
  • check this out. looks pretty nice...no major/minor accidents, one owner, everything is working...

  • 1-31-01 (02:35)

  • for a while i've thought about how much a mailman can tell about a family's life just by looking at their mail. take my family for example...there once was a lot of mail coming for brad miller, then a major drop off. no mail for a sarah miller and then eventually there came teen magazines and the like. then me - a got a bunch of college crap and then there were the small envelopes from colleges like ucla or ucb and the big envelopes from uc davis or occidental. the letters from the green party or bills from playboy magazine. catalogs of all sort. it would be an interesting little fun weekend project to make a film in the style of "la jetee" where the stills were pictures of only mail. if done right it could be funny or even moving, but would require a lot from the audience. it would be hard, but if someone did it then i'd watch it.
  • i've got a lot to do in the next couple days.
  • i don't think i'm going to get the car window fixed on friday.
  • it seems like i don't have any time these days and i'm not really sure why.
  • i need to set aside some time to read a bunch. i guess work is where most of my reading gets done. sometimes i even get around to reading for school.
  • i'm about half way through the russian revolution right now which has gone by a lot more slowly than WWI, but only because i've worked less. in two weekends i'm sure to get plenty of stuff read. might give the history a break and go on to the philosophy books i picked up.
  • i LOVE the part in "The Discreet Charm Of The Bourgeoisie" where the woman is talking about some jean-paul sartre essay she read and she's debating with some other snobbish wannabe intellectual about existentialism. the thing that made it so priceless was the way in which they were debating about it. i think that any time you talk philosophy you should first address the fact that you know nothing and then go from there. at any rate, i wanted to just fart in her general direction and be done with her.
  • i wonder who the greatest mind of the last 5000 years was. i wonder how you would judge such a thing. i wonder if that person is even known to history. i'd tend to think that she didn't even bother with writing, or being discovered for that matter.
  • it's late and i should be off to bed. it's cold in my bed.
  • whenever i ride in jon's audi my ass feels all hot. then i realize that i'm riding in all the comforts a capitalist society can provide and, thus, we have heated seats. it's a very odd feeling for those of you uncivilized who are not yet in the know. an unusually warm ass feels, to me, peculiar.
  • familiar, similar, peculiar. for the life of me i'll never remember which ones end in "lar" and which end in "liar." that kind of stuff just pisses me off. the same goes for repeating letters. commitment, et al...i never remember if it's got two "t"s or two "m"s or both...there are lots of words that just making me fucking insane. actually more than insane. they make me feel like a real idiot. not just ignorant, but actually thick-headed, dull, a nimwit...i can't tell you how many times i've spell checked words like those, how many times i've looked them up and yet i still cannot remember how to spell them. maybe by making a huge deal over it i'll remember. not likely. compliment and complement. though i should be able to remember those, i usually can't. i always had a problem with objective and subjective too. i still have to think about those, but at least i have a mnemonic device for it now. then what trips me out is that i spell "mnemonic" correctly on the first try. my fucking brain has issues. bourgeoisie. i've got that one down now.
  • sleeping is a good idea.
  • dark side of the moon is better than you remember it.
  • melanie is the bomb diggity.

  • 1-30-01 (23:10)

  • updated the movies list. i've been slacking. tonight's movie was very cool.
  • picked up a bunch of work for this week so that'll keep me busy. i'm making a killing on these three day weekends - president's day weekend i work 15 hours. that's more than a week's worth for me (i'm scheduled to work 14 hours a week).
  • downloaded a beastie boys show from 1998 in belgium today.
  • listening to alice in chains for the first time in a long while.
  • get paid tomorrow. i think i already said that today. i have a one track mind...get paid, get cash, goto downtown sac, pick me up some poon-tang. or something.

  • 1-30-01 (13:05)

  • january is almost over.
  • i'm proud of the fact that i almost never worry about what to wear.
  • i'm a lazy bum.
  • it's not raining and that is good.
  • i'm pretty much out of laundry, but i'll have to make do this week and next so i can do some laundry while i'm at home.
  • every day i work out a new budget and plan for the trip. i need to just save and not spend and other than that i can't do much.
  • still need to get the window put back on malcolm. maybe this friday would be good.
  • film quiz tonight.
  • get paid tomorrow.
  • need a haircut.
  • got a fuckload of maps and tour books in the mail today. big time score.

  • 1-29-01 (22:21)

  • the public storage website sucks ass.
  • nothing fucking pisses me off more than when computer shit screws up.
  • this came at the end of an email i got from the green party today: "We offer our personal commitments and our recognition, so absent from modern politics, that social transformation begins with individuals looking inward, and making changes in their own lives.  We dedicate ourselves to a politics of hope, conscience and sacrifice, that we may build a society based on values of sustainability and social justice or record our resistance to one that is not."
  • going in on thursday to see if i can get promoted to the SAIII position at work, that would mean more money, but not yet the title of bourgeoisie i was looking for.
  • this page is over 140K large now, that's gotta be one of the biggest months ever.
  • got a search engine hit for "paxil AND laziness" - that just about sums up my page.
  • got 124 hits from jan 21-27

  • 1-29-01 (17:22)

  • got a letter from ralph nader today asking for my help. naturally it wasn't personalized, but the point is that things at that level are much more organized and dedicated to action and participation than at the level of the democratic or republican parties.
  • today didn't light my fire, but things are good.
  • have a film quiz tomorrow and i should do something towards preparedness. we shall see.
  • i should eat.

  • 1-29-01 (01:35)

  • it's like this...if you eat well and exercise then you are healthy - fuck what the scale says, fuck what your body fat percentage is. you're eating well and you're exercising ergo you are healthy for you. the weight/height chart doesn't tell you what is healthy, it tells you where you fit in relative to everyone else your height. the same logic, i think, applies to intellectual health - if you keep yourself sharp and keep open to learning and seek out learning then you have a healthy intellectual life. fuck what your sat score is. fuck the grades. but in reality those things matter. for kenneth zeigler - high school validictorian and all around real weirdo - his worth derived from it. if not for his success in those areas he'd just be a smart social reject, but because he got a 1560 on the SAT and straight As and 5s on all 8 AP tests then he was kenneth zeigler most successful student in schol and social reject.
  • whatever.
  • i think rapping to dj krush's "dig this vibe" would be cool.

  • 1-28-01 (23:35)

  • feeling stupid sucks because i value intelligence.
  • this struggle is a good thing, right nietzsche? struggle is good, struggle makes me stronger, all this shit has it's function...right? give me something to hold onto. what the fuck did you know - you died an old, single, insane fart.
  • why is it that everytime i sit down to read i think to myself constantly - you are reading this slower than you should. if you were smarter you'd be able to remember this shit, but the fact is that you won't remember most of it. your mind wanders too much, you shouldn't even bother reading.

  • 1-28-01 (21:16)

  • swapped out the sending unit in my car. next time i gas up i'll see if i done did it right.
  • think i'm going to take the bug down for spring break and leave it there.
  • feb. 9th-11th i'm going to LA to do laundry.
  • your boss makes you do his laundry for him? yea. sounds like a shitty job. i was just thinking that myself.
  • great film.
  • not sure what to do now. i've already worked on the car. i glanced over some notes from my film class. i watched tv.
  • lately i've been getting really stressed out about absolutely nothing. i'll be laying in bed and just start getting anxious and my gut starts to churn and my ulcer starts acting up. okay i don't have an ulcer, but at this rate i will.
  • probably going to spend anywhere from 150-200 hours in the car this summer. that means i wouldn't even be able to listen to half of my cds. when i put it in that perspective i realize two things - 200 hours can't be that much and i really do have an insane amount of cds.
  • i haven't purchased a cd with my own money (unless you count BMG - which i've yet to pay for) since december 6th.
  • as happens often, i was wrong - "feeling uninspired, think i'll start a fire" is an STP lyric.
  • lava soap is good.
  • word on the street is that it's not going to rain through thursday.
  • i should spiritualize enmity, i'd be a better person.
  • the live beastie boys site is back up...one show a month for free. great stuff if i got around to listening to them. at least i download them for later use.

  • 1-28-01 (20:06)

  • i like charles manson's song "look at your game girl."
  • i don't like it when people make things so black and white. charles manson is bad. the unabomber is bad. they have nothing useful to contribute, end of story. god is good, jesus was good, my televangelist who i give 15% of my salary to is good. end of story.
  • people are, yet again, retarded.
  • going to watch the simpsons.
  • they played propellerheads at the end of the simpsons tonight, that was pretty cool.

  • 1-28-01 (18:50)

  • super bowl was pretty wack.
  • don't feel very inspired to do much right now.
  • who sings the song wherein he says "feeling uninspired, think i'll start a fire..." i'm pretty sure it's nirvana, but not sure which song. not feeling inspired enough to look it up.
  • played frisbee golf and went par for the course, that ends my streak of horrible play. on the third hole we ran into a group of 5-6 homeless people who frequent the neighborhood park. one of them was laying on the grass next to hole 3. i was lucky to not hit him. happy-go-lucky is how i'd describe them. they offered up more conversation with vern and i than i've had with someone new in a long time.
  • i don't have many friends, but i don't think i'd be able to deal with having many friends anyway. still sucks.
  • talked to jesus (gay-soos) in the library today. he came back from spain this quarter, was in uzbekistan before that. he remains a tool, but, next to phil (rotc phil) and maybe doc, is the most grounded in reality out of all of them. he told me that their house isn't quite the seething orgy of gayness it appears to be. (i mean gayness as happiness in this case). apparently they're pretty segregated at this point - they've all got their separate lives and girlfriends and such. this whole time jon, vern, and i had been predicting massive bible study sessions and circle jerks, guess we were wrong.
  • i'm pretty sick and i don't mean to drag jon and vern down with me. the circle jerks thing was all me, i apologize.
  • i'm going straight to hell, but i already knew that.
  • the box is a good song.
  • got an email from some chick who wrote "I feel that you might have some of the qualifications we are seeking in our Model Scout Position that is open in your local area. For information about this position please visit our website at:" the funny thing is that the link was to an actual reputable modeling agency...kim alexis got her first break through them, apparently. but if they're sending me random emails how reputable can they be? odd.
  • are you watching survivor yet?
  • teens hang out at the mall because they don't really have any other refuge. it's sad that the only refuge teens have is in a hole of consumerism. we wonder what's wrong with our kids. they don't have structure or any sense of worth (coming back to my question - from where does your worth derive) except that which they get from mall culture - consumerism, image, etc. i think that's very sad. at least when child labor was legal kids were seen as equals on one level (although not in many others). the idea of adolescence wasn't even around then. earlier, in the days of the family farm, kids had a role on the farm. they had a purpose and something they could feel good about at the end of the day - they helped put food on the table. kids today, on the other hand, get to hear how they didn't put the roof over their head how they're not the ones out making money to put food on the table...instead they go to class and learn shit. not everyone is going to go college. when we, as a society, realize that college shouldn't be everyone's goal then we'll be better off. if i want to become a construction worker or an auto mechanic or learn a trade then high school doesn't do me much good. i think we need to change that. i'm not meaning to undermine the importance of a basic education - civic duties, history, writing skills, etc., but trades of the manual sort have been pretty neglected for the last x number of years and it's not a good thing.
  • i really have no clue what i'm going to do for the next 6 hours.
  • when i try to check my email and i'm not online it doesn't prompt me to connect anymore, it just says it can't find the server - it thinks it's online or something. strange and not good.
  • i'm surprised by the game. i think most are. i honestly felt that the giants had a good chance and i didn't think either team would win by more than 12 points.
  • i want to listen to music, but i should read. i can't do both at the same time. i honestly can barely even read. my brain fucking sucks and i fucking hate it. it wanders too much and i don't like that.
  • does target know what the devo song "beautiful world" is about? apparently not because they raped it in their commercial.

  • 1-28-01 (15:10)

  • work went quickly.
  • love can be a lot like religion in the hands of some people. what i mean to say is that claiming love as a highest good or panacea is just as dangerous as claiming religion as a cure-all. ike and tina thought they had it all figured out, obviously that wasn't love and they didn't and it hurt because they didn't have their shit together. the crusaders thought they were being good christians by killing millions in the name of christianity, but we all can look at that and say that they were wrong. so even though i've claimed that love can be the greatest thing and would solve a lot of the world's troubles, i should qualify that by saying that it has to be the right kind of love and it has to be real, it can't by the tina and ike kind. it can't be the crusaders' kind of christianity, because then it'll just lead to more retardedness. basically peoples' stupidity is infinite and can ruin the best ideas and best intentions.
  • love remains the shit despite dumb people.
  • speaking of love, i'm going to go watch tv for a few hours. har har.
  • giants 17-13. i make that claim because of their coaching and no other reasons.

  • 1-28-01 (11:37)

  • i'm actually looking forward to watching the game today. it'll give me something to do after work.
  • i work in 20 minutes, that sucks.

  • 1-27-01 (23:50)

  • i suggest everyone check out sonny sharrock's acoustic "blind willie" - it's the shit.
  • updated my wish list for the philanthropist in all of you.
  • computer crashed big time today. one of these days i'm going to have to buy a new one. that day will suck.

  • 1-27-01 (22:03)

  • "everything hurts" - michelangelo antonioni
  • so when the buddhists say that "life is suffering" what does that really mean? i thought that they meant "all life is suffering," but maybe what they really meant was that you are only really living when you are suffering...hence life is suffering and suffering is life, but there are times in between which may be not entail suffering, but those moments aren't what life is about.
  • "he was a wise man who invented god" - plato
  • they say that everything after plato is a footnote, meaning that he's said it all and any attempt at new thought is merely an addition to plato's work.
  • i think that some of the best advice nietzsche has given, if you could call it advice, is to not personalize the world. everyone does it, to a certain extent. so when my car is broken into i think to myself "what did i do wrong? why did god do this to me? what did i do to deserve this?" nietzsche, i think, would say that this is a prime example of someone personalizing their trouble - like i'm not worthy of a peaceful life so i'm going to have my car window smashed or my scooter stolen. the fact of the matter is that there's no justice in the world. i didn't do anything to deserve it (unless we're talking about elementary school...) and i shouldn't personalize the world. that's a basic explanation.
  • dungey used an example from the simpsons - there's an episode when a tornado rips through springfield and takes flanders' house, and only his house. (flanders is the most devout christian of all-time and also the simpsons' neighbor) seeing that only his house has been destroyed and all the other homes left without a scratch he calls to the sky and asks what he has done, or not done, to deserve this.
  • i think that nietzsche just makes the point that doing this is a) silly because it's just not the way life works and b) not at all conducive to living life, it is detrimental and egotistic and all sorts of other bad shit.
  • "get busy living or get busy dying" - that quote is the shit. of course the question of how is another story. a whole nother story. is "nother" a word? i think i already talked about that at some point. that's the only thing i learned in linguistics.
  • when it comes to things happening i can't remember ever in my life being dedicated to making something happen. for most it's making sure they get into yale law school or into med school (sorry doc) or the like. maybe they're dedicated to making sure their trip to europe happens or the like. i've never had that drive. i think the closest i got was making sure that the hitchhiking trip happened. once i got the go ahead from vern i did as much as possible to make sure we didn't back out to make sure that we gave it an honest try. that's why i didn't want to go back home that first night. that's why i give props to vern for making sure we went forth after being on the road for a few hours and we were at the foster's freeze and i was tired and thinking "what the fuck are we doing?" it's one reason i think so highly of mark borchardt - he's going to make his fucking film and the negativity he gets right and left - from his parents, from uncle bill, etc. doesn't get him off track. the bills, his debt, etc. all that doesn't mean shit because he's going to make the movie. the point is, i am actually pretty set on having two things happen - my summer trip and giving an honest try at becoming a teacher, though the latter is far more imposing and frightful than the former. i just need to pull a mark and make sure they happen. if i had uncle bill by my side saying "that'll be the day, that'll be the day," the way he did with mark i don't know if i could do it. those of who have seen "american movie" know what happens with uncle bill and mark in the end and that's why i cry everytime.
  • i remember going to xmas breakfast at my grandmother's and being very impressed with the spoons she had. very sturdy, very nice shape on the scoop. just very functional.
  • speaking of my grandmother - i'm eating some kick ass bread which she has provided me. it rocks.
  • i think honesty and asking for help should always be rewarded.
  • an amazing amount of stuff has happened this (calendar) year.
  • i remember when really stupid shit mattered to me. now only semi-stupid shit matters to me and the non-stupid shit matters more than it used to. making sense, i am.
  • i wish that having resolve to do something would translate into positive results. the truth of the matter is that i may want to become president more than anyone ever has, but if i don't do things correctly (snort some coke and not admit to it, lie, cheat, steal, raise a lot of money [and maybe an illegitimate child]) then i may just be s.o.l.
  • that reminds me...i was at work today and this lady's card had expired so i asked my boss what she might be able to do about that and she said that the patron wasn't going to be able to activate her card unless she paid her dues. since the mrak building(home of the accounting office) was closed the patron couldn't check out the book. so i said to my boss "can she get a temporary card?" she replied "nope" and i came back with "so she's pretty much S.O.L.?" and my boss gave me a strange look and hesitantly said "yea." so i went up to the patron, who had the worn face of a mother, and said "sorry you haven't paid your fees so i can't check the book out to you." to which the patron replied, with a sigh "can i just use the book for a few minutes?" now this is against policy so naturally i said "yea, i don't care, just don't run off with it or i'm going to have to send the dogs after you." so she thanked me and took the book. as she turned i said "oh, and don't tell my boss or else i'll get fired." ... "my lips are sealed" she said.
  • i think that the first time someone in my classroom gives me lip or comes in late or disrupts the class in some way i'm just going to tell the class straight up - "if you don't want to be here that's fine with me, but don't bring your bullshit into the classroom. while you're here we respect each other. if you can't do that then leave, i'm not going to tell on you."
  • that's why i'm looking forward to having my principal chew me out on a regular basis. hopefully i walk the line enough to not get fired, but still remain chris.
  • one thing to remember - you don't have to constantly move forward.

  • 1-27-01 (19:32)

  • bought a grip of water today, along with 50 blank cds, rice, pasta, and a fluorescent light bulb.
  • work was okay.
  • i'm glad i got a lot of stamps for xmas, they help big time.
  • no matter how much of an individual you think you are they still have you in a demographic. you can't become an individual by buying things. it's obvious, but how many people actually get it?

  • 1-27-01 (13:17)

  • i love the last line of "yojimbo." toshiro mifune turns towards the camera and says "luck!" it just rocks so much.
  • vern and i both got telemarketers calling around 1pm today.
  • i've got work from 3-6pm today and 12-3 tomorrow. soon i plan on becoming a full-fledged shift whore.
  • had more echinacea tea last night.
  • going to go eat now.
  • might watch 2001 tonight.

  • 1-27-01 (02:07)

  • listened to my page and plant cd for the first time in a long time; good it is.
  • humanity is pretty much doomed to stupidity forever and that kind of depresses me. despite the polls and studies which try to prove that the voters are very discerning, careful, and difficult to please i just don't buy it. i mean i've seriously read lots of studies which try to pull off some kind of miracle of regression analysis and come to the conclusion that the country isn't in dire straits and the people are actually acutely aware of what matters in politics. some of the arguments go that 60 percent of the country may not know who the second president was (these figures are made up, but you know all the horror stories of political ignorance), but they know what they want. they know the answer to normative questions like "should we allow affirmative action?..." and the like. people are ignorant and retarded when it comes to politics. that's simple. that's the truth. that's the way it has, and will continue to be. what we need is a good leader, sadly. i don't believe in the saying "the leaders will follow when the people take the lead" (or however that idealistic quote goes). it can happen, and it has happened, but i'm talking about the rule, rather than the exception.
  • i hate attaching psychological terms to peoples' behavior e.g., joe is passive aggressive. because even though it may accurately describe their behavior i think that it has a stigma that comes with it. as if psychology is the study of abnormalities and by being described with a psyhcological term you are thus abnormal. that's not what i mean when i use those terms, but it still carries that meaning for me.
  • i've been up for too long.

  • 1-26-01 (22:40)

  • one keyword i seem to get a lot of hits from is "download." download.
  • i've had 425 hits this month. that's just silly. too bad i can't seem to capitalize on all this popularity.

  • 1-26-01 (21:45)

  • when do tax refunds usually come?
  • what's a cheap source of protein? eggs...beans...peanuts...anything beyond that?
  • most "white" inventions ever? lawnmowers, leaf blowers, hair dryers...any others? chainsaws maybe. lipstick - especially considering the way it was once made.
  • still need to get my car window put in. they best not charge me more than 55 for it.
  • led zeppelin own. led zeppelin are so boss.
  • if i put away 16-17 bucks from now until the early july i should have plenty for the trip.
  • if i sold all my cds at 10 bucks a pop i'd have over 5000 bucks. jeez.
  • it's a good thing i don't drink coffee because when i was on the hitchhiking trip i drank what would probably be considered really bad coffee. i couldn't really tell the difference though. ignorance is bliss, i suppose.

  • 1-26-01 (17:45)

  • i guess they don't teach the meaning of the word "antidisestablishmentarianism" at yale because bush sure doesn't get it.
  • might go see "dancer in the dark" tonight. maybe.
  • looks like good metros will certainly go for under 2500 bucks
  • called AAA and got a shitload of maps for free today. that was cool.
  • purchased 3 bucks worth of food today, hopefully that will last me a couple weeks since i have a pretty nice store of food built up.
  • kris, this chick at work, said while looking at a news story about bush today: "he's so cute." i look over at the monitor and see bush's fat retarded mug staring back at me. i nearly puked.
  • here's a news story i just saw...
  • "well as you may have heard there is a football game this weekend (smug grin)....but the tickets are very hard to come by. let's go to joe mama for the story..."
  • "thank you seymore. 172 million americans are going to be watching the game this sunday, but there are only 70 thousand seats in the stadium - you do the math...garth and j.t. are two truck drivers who drove from baltimore to see the game...now you two were able to get tickets, right?"
  • "uh, yessum"
  • "how much are tickets going for?"
  • "i'se got 2 tickets for a thousand a piece and they's way up in the corner"
  • "wow. why are you paying so much to see a game?"
  • "cuz i want to see my team win"
  • i shit you not, that's how the story went. these two truck drivers talking to the reporter about wanting to see their team win. some sad shit. oh, and it was on the national news too - not just that lame local stuff.
  • then, on the local news, there was a story about the weather. they talked about "snow at low elevations" so the anchor asked "how low will it go?"
  • i was asking myself the same question...i envisioned the crew breaking out into a little ditty....'how low will it go? gee martha, i don't know! let's ask rob our meterologist, maybe he'll know....okay here we go...so, how low will the snow go; do we know?'
  • give me a blow.

  • 1-26-01 (16:40)

  • if it needs to be pitched it's not worth the trouble.
  • ketchup is a vegetable, am i wrong? no chris, just republican.
  • it's very cold outside.
  • had soup last night for the first time in many years. i don't think i've ever had campbell's soup. not to my knowledge anyway.
  • today is shaping up to be a bore.
  • i'm in a situation right now where i have to do a lot of waiting in a lot of different ways. it kind of sucks, but will hopefully pan out in the end.
  • in the end. "i'm going to get you in the end." - beatles
  • led zeppelin is a better name for a band than the beatles.

  • 1-26-01 (09:33)

  • it's cold and i don't want to be awake.

  • 1-25-01 (23:08)

  • i love the higher state of consciousness i reach when pain overrides my body - this is why i take razor blades to my chest and spray aerosol down my throat. i'm only hurting myself so why should you care?
  • been thinking a lot about my trip lately. on the one hand it's getting me all psyched up and making me more aware of what i'm going to have to do to make it happen. on the other hand it's making me super anxious and it's pretty far away from happening so that's no good. i think i'll be able to pay off my bill to yolo county (for that old ticket) with my next paycheck. that's pretty sweet.
  • Mo Wax is a good label and that's coming from someone who doesn't give two shits about labels. come to think of it i don't even give one shit about labels. mo wax remains good though.
  • there's a national park pass i can buy for $50 which allows free passage to all the national parks. pretty sweet considering most of the parks cost about $10 to get into.
  • if i were a republican i would be appalled at the horrible job my representatives have done at ensuring open land be reserved for business and industry - not parks....yellowstone - 2,219,791 acres, everglades - Area: 1,506,499 acres, yosemite - 761,170 acres, glacier - 1,056,000 acres, grand canyon - 1,218,376 acres, etc. that's not to mention the scores of other national parks and the ones in alaska which are generally far bigger. damn democrats. all that land should be used for raising cattle and building nuclear power plants and mining for gold or oil or such. jeesh.
  • the world is just chock full of retards.
  • sudafed is working like a charm.
  • so how many albums does pearl jam have now? like 100 or so? that's just crazy. not sure why i thought of that. if the beastie boys ever did that i'd get a credit card and become an official retard.

  • 1-25-01 (16:36)

  • we are a very pleasure-centric society. in fact humanity is very pleasure-centric, it just so happens that america has got it down better than most.
  • on the crisis tip - why aren't all tuesdays "meatless tuesdays?" (i forget if during WWII it was tuesday or another day of the week, but you get the point). it's more healthy, it conserves resources (because the meat industry is extremely wasteful), and it's just a good idea. why do we need a war to justify this practice? inane.
  • almost biffed it big time on the rain soaked streets today. was zooming through traffic and i was threading this needle between two people going in opposite directions (i was coming from the side). i sped up to get past the first, but had to brake in order to allow the second to get through a bottleneck...it's all hard to describe, but the gist is that i hydroplaned past the first and recovered in time to allow the second to pass then i continued pedaling.
  • so nietzsche is all wet over the greeks so he uses this metaphor for the two aspects of life - dionysian and apollonian. dionysian is basically the chaos and forces of nature in the world. the apollonian is the form and structure, the beauty and visual art. so he says that we try really hard to become the apollonian and forget the chaos in the world (this becomes his major indictment of plato et al - they try too hard to make life a science and thereby discard the chaos of the world). background aside....he says that even in our attempts to make order and sense of the world (through science, religion, etc.) we still desire the dionysian side. he says that this is why we get drunk and the like - despite all our desire for control we still have some desire to lose our inhibitions...the inhibitions of form and culture (especially culture). to me, those inhibitions could be anything that culture imposes upon us - embarrassment, the ability to speak our mind, etc. the whole psychology behind that desire really interests me. jared diamond talks about it as a desire to present ourselves as stronger beings. nietzsche presents it as a desire to have chaos in our lives and have that feeling of "oneness with nature." i think that for some it's an escape from chaos.
  • it's all interesting stuff to think about and i think it just varies per person.
  • then in sociology class we were talking about different cultures and their views on sex. obviously there are plenty of other cultures which are far more open with sex (both in terms of frequency and age) than america is - naturally, it goes the other way as well. the teacher said that in america we avoid talking about how good sex feels because we don't want kids to do it. that seemed to imply to me that because sex feels good people should do it. maybe that's a leap, but even if it is i still think that this mentality exists - if something feels good then it's okay. if i ever have kids i'm going to make sure to tell them how great drugs feel and how great sex feels and how great it felt when i slashed my teacher's tires and how great it feels when i zoom through traffic on my bike. the problem with that is that kids usually lack the ability to decide whether something feeling good is good to do. there are plenty of things which feel good to do which aren't good. whether that be eating a gallon of ice cream everyday or jerking off in the public bathroom or doing drugs or having sex before you're mentally and emotionally equipped...so the trick is to somehow impart to the kid that thinking and critical decision making are of extreme importance. how is another question. i don't know how my parents did it for me, but they did so i guess i'm lucky. i know i'm lucky.
  • raining like a biatch today.
  • woke up to some mother fucker pounding on the window frame across the way. very annoying shit.
  • i can say this in all seriousness and with sincerity - i know that i know very little. i know that i make mistakes. i've been wrong before.
  • in the past 20 years approximately 1 million species have disappeared from the world's tropical forests.
  • from 1960-1985 over 40% of the central american rainforests were destroyed to create grazing land for cattle.
  • the united states imports over 100,000 tons of beef from central america each year.
  • it takes 23 gallons of water to produce a pound of tomatoes.
  • it takes 5,214 gallons of water to produce a pound of beef.
  • one acre of land can produce 20,000 pounds of potatoes.
  • one acre of land can produce 165 pounds of beef.
  • the u.s. cattle industry produces 158 million tons of waste per year.
  • livestock production is the #1 cause of water pollution in the u.s.

  • 1-25-01 (04:08)

  • just about done. i want to sleep for 12 hours. that's not going to happen.
  • i wish melanie was here.

  • 1-25-01 (02:42)

  • really i should be asleep by now. in fact i haven't even finished the shorter of the two essays i have to do.
  • i'm sick and tired - literally.
  • i shall be sleeping soon enough. listening to the doors' eponymous album.

  • 1-25-01 (00:38)

  • it's funny how you think about blue rock and people usually don't mention bands like savoy brown, ten years after, or moby grape. such is life. savoy brown and ten years after (especially) are underrated.
  • read over some old updates of mine - from october 2k. that was a pivotal month.
  • i didn't love easy rider. there were times when i didn't like the movie much, if at all. there were boring points. there were points where i just didn't think too highly of the characters. but then there was the ending. jeez. there are movies like that, where the end just make the movie. i think the ending is the only reason that full metal jacket is still my favorite kubrick film. speaking of endings - paths of glory and the killing have got to be two of the all-time greatest endings. just wow.
  • so let's face it - people need crisis in order to change or appreciate the world. sad but true. there are entire theories which claim that democracy needs war or other crises to thrive. i think that this logic can be extended to humanity. we need a power crisis to remind us that turning off lights when we leave the room is a good idea. we need a drought to make us turn off the water when we're washing dishes. it's just sad to me. i think one thing that my mom certainly did a good job of was making me understand the importance of thinking about what i'm doing. i return things to where i found them, i turn off lights, etc. it just makes sense.
  • the real point is - that we need crisis to get anything done. i wish that wasn't the case. "if it ain't broke, why fix it?" really means "only fix it if it's broken." at what point does it become obvious that our educational system is broken? or, better yet, our electoral system? the answer is - naturally - once there is a crisis. it took a crisis in our last election for us to realize that our system is flawed. some people knew this already, most didn't, and almost no one cared to do anything about it. until there was the great crisis which tore our nation and caused all sorts of retards to sell their stock...it goes on. our youth are getting out of control only when two kids go on a murdering spree in colorado...it goes on.
  • it's really inspiring to see mark borchardt getting his life together and feeling inspired by life again. seems like he was going through a down period earlier.
  • i should get started on this project of mine. i really don't want to do it.
  • i'm not sure how johnny et al talked me into being a goalie freshman year. i seriously didn't have any real padding. well i did, but it covered my chest, my head and my lower legs. so that left my upper thigh up to my bellybutton unprotected. as well as my neck area. so there was plenty of my body which was exposed to the wrath of pucks. i sucked at first, too.
  • one of these days i'll buy a "talking heads" album.
  • i was thinking about doing a stream of consciousness, but then i realized that it wouldn't be very exciting.
  • melanie. melanie. melanie.
  • need to work.
  • beastie boys.
  • altoids are very strong, but do the job.
  • melanie. melanie. melanie.
  • being sick sucks.
  • melanie.
  • tired.
  • need to work.
  • melanie.
  • see what i mean?

  • 1-24-01 (22:29)

  • gotta get started on this project thing.
  • updated the movies list.
  • i really like war movies and here are some of the reasons i came up with: 1) they make me realize the things in life that really should matter. what will do this better than an extreme display of everything that is bad and horrible in the world and with humanity? not much, and war is exactly this display. 2) on a related note - war films are the quickest reality check i am aware of. they bring to light exactly what humans are capable of, whether this be vast destruction or human sacrifice and love. 3) it seems that humanity needs a reminder every generation or so as to the reasons we shouldn't go to war...for me watching a war film is enough. if only our leaders were to watch a really good war film once in a while - as a reminder - the world could be a better place.

  • 1-24-01 (13:26)

  • not quite sure why i'm sick. it's not like i'm malnourished, if anything i've been eating more and better lately. i just don't understand it.
  • today looks really nice, too bad i won't go outside until it's dark.
  • been listening to a lot of money mark lately. he's good.
  • spring quarter will be good. i will sell myself to old ladies every weekend and pull their weeds and get bank. that sounds pretty bad if read as a prevert might. dr. strangelove is great.
  • thinking about watching saving private ryan.
  • my room is pretty messy, but i don't have room for all the new books and such.
  • have yet to drop off phil's xmas present.
  • no clue what i'm going to do with malcolm. want to keep him, but i want him to work. want to sink a shitload of money into him so he looks good, and more importantly, runs well. of course money will forever be a problem.
  • coming to grips with the facts of life is something that is harder than it should be. life isn't fair, they tell you when you're 5 years old - even younger. yet it still bothers me to no end. there's no justice in the world, despite what you may believe about karma or the like, in this life there isn't real justice. we create a criminal justice system to make us feel like the world is more just, but it really isn't. machiavelli, hobbes, and locke were all right about the brutality of the world. there's no panacea for selfishness in the world. guess the best that i can hope to do is make the immediate world around me a better place.
  • i'm going to eat now.

  • 1-23-01 (19:54)

  • i'm officially sick.
  • it rained today.
  • today was the first day out of the last 7 that i haven't had melanie around.
  • being sick sucks ass.
  • humanity is just plain retarded. i was watching seinfeld (the maestro show - a classic) and an advertisement came on for temptation island. i think you can infer the rest.
  • i think MLK had it right. be existential, but with empathy and concern for others. to think that the only reason one is alive is to find their self seems a bit lame.
  • can't wait to have a regular salary and be a teacher. if i can get my shit together and put myself in a position to actually become a teacher i think i'll have a good time. i'm not one for trying though, so getting to that point will probably be more laborious than it should.
  • i'm going to sleep early tonight.
  • i want to get through school, go on a kick ass trip, and become a teacher (or the like).
  • i was thinking today that learning more is really an attractive idea...so i was thinking about graduate school type stuff.
  • mark really hit on something - that we shouldn't take things for granted. nietzsche is such a depressing mutha because he doesn't seem to talk about the good things in life. that's a shame. appreciating what we have is key.
  • i need to be more pro-active.
  • george w. bush makes me depressed.

  • 1-23-01 (01:43)

  • i like talking to people who have interesting or fun things to say. one-dimensional people bore me. there are too many people like that.
  • i like the picture on johnny's site, the george bush one. seems an interesting juxtaposition...the bush poster next to all the other crap.
  • i feel tired, but i got enough sleep last night and haven't been awake that long.
  • i should start every sentence with "i." after all, i am the most important thing on this webpage.
  • forecast calls for rain on wednesday and friday.
  • hoping that working on the car will happen on saturday.
  • oh yea, i have a pretty sizable project due on thursday. i'm fucked.
  • "Life is short and precious and it just can't be pissed away." - Mark Borchardt
  • "I'm most excited by the prospect of controlling my own life. That's what it's all about. If you work in a factory and come home and work on the Great American Novel then you have won. It's what you do with the time alloted to you and your commitment to do what makes you the most happiest in life. I'm writing this because I'm concerned about it and motivated by it. Every day of my life is valuable as with anyone else's. I'm lucky to have my health and youth and will not piss it away." - Mark Borchardt
  • i hope the point isn't lost in the grammatical errors. you'd be a fool to lose the point because of errors in grammar. i guess if you read my webpage you're not too concerned about that though.
  • much props to mike schank for being sober for four plus years.
  • listened to a money mark cd today. been a while since i did that. it's good to remember his greatness.
  • am i coming down with a cold, or is it just an allergic reaction to melanie's departure?
  • when trying to download entire live shows it is best to have ethernet or the like. darn.
  • did a lot in the last 6 days. can't recap it all, can't remember it all. ate some good turkey. went to HDOS in sacramento. made some good apple pie and had some very good bread. aside from eating i watched plenty of movies. malcolm performed fairly well, but is certainly in need of something, probably everything.
  • i wonder what kind of financing i would be able to get for a car.
  • i'm going to sleep.

  • 1-22-01 (22:52)

  • melanie's visit was the shit, but it is no longer.
  • i learned a new word today - "atom bomb." empire of the sun joke, ha ha ha.
  • the guess who are better than i remembered. check out "heartbroken bopper." just wow.
  • updated the movies list. watched lots of movies thanks to melanie. see...i told you she was good for me.
  • need to compel my dad to send me some movies because that would help.
  • looks like johnny moved back home, that's news to me.

  • 1-16-01 (22:22)

  • not much happened today. class, work, class, rest. tomorrow is a different story.
  • saw a large part of this japanese film in class today, it reminded me of thin red line a lot, not just because it was about the same thing, but the pacing seemed the same. only the japanese film was a lot less boring. i hated thin red line.
  • thinking about lubing my bike up tonight. it'll help pass the time and it needs to be done.
  • film teacher didn't think much of "traffic" - that was kind of a disappointment. i thought it was a very good film.
  • "we'll meet again, don't know where, don't know when....." vera lynn
  • "does anybody remember vera lynn?" -roger waters (pink floyd)
  • bought some books today!

  • 1-15-01 (21:28)

  • updated the movies list.
  • fresh out of tortillas. probably need to get some tomatoes as well.
  • may as well open up for suggestions now regarding my trip around the nation. email me if you have any ideas - from must see cities, sites, national parks to ways to save money or things to avoid, etc.
  • my dad once asked me why post world war I germany didn't resort to communism or socialism as a panacea for their plight. after reading about the world war i think one reason that palmer may have alluded to is the fact that it was the progressives and the social democrats who ended up signing the treaty of versailles and thus alienating the german citizenry. surely after signing such a unwelcome treaty their ideas wouldn't have been well received by the polity. i don't know, yet, about what was happening in russia at the time, but perhaps experiments over there in socialist regimes hadn't been going too well and thus didn't exactly encourage emulating the same ideals. all that stuff is really interesting. as is lenin. learning about that coot right now.
  • my sister is a better person than most.
  • i'm mildly looking forward to wednesday morning. just a bit.
  • johnny talked about room layouts so i'll do the same. i'm pretty down with the layout of my room. all the furniture is touching, like a chain, as johnny puts it. then i have a nice sized open space in the middle (assuming my room is clean). marina, upstairs, has the same room as me, but it looks a lot smaller because she chose a wack ass configuration - namely her bed is protruding into the middle of the room. it makes the room into two secions, which can be nice, but the room isn't wide enough to accommodate that look. i had to look accoommodate up. at any rate, i'm down with my room layout, i think i have done well with space saving furniture as well. building a cd case and a bookcase specifically for the amount of room i will probably have for the next few years will undoubtedly come in handy. you have to think vertically when you're in college. of course when it comes to saving space johnny is far superior to me. i'd have to say that vern is very good at making his room look small and cluttered. and phil just has an amazing amount of large crap that it shocks me that he is able to fit everything in his room. jon is the same way, but his room is even bigger. that's all the room analysis for today.
  • as for another johnny topic - football. it's very true that football is a lot like society. the offensive line is the most important part of a football team. they are also the least recognized, although lately it seems they are beginning to get their due - especially from guys like john madden. a good offense is the best defense. the 49ers knew this. they'd have 10 minutes left in a game and be down by 6. they'd take 9:30 to drive down the field and score a TD. they really knew how to manage the clock back then. of course they had a good offensive line, but they also had the west coast offense. things are different now though. enough about all that, it could get lengthy.
  • r.e.m. also has a song called star 69.
  • i wish some songs just kept going on and on and on. "you're lost little girl" would be one of those songs. the doors made some really longs songs, but "you're lost little girl" is one of the shortest songs they ever made. too bad.

  • 1-15-01 (18:37)

  • i honestly can't help but laugh everytime i see george w. bush trying to give a speech on anything. saw him talking about inequality in america and MLK and the like...i just started laughing, uncontrollably.
  • read a lot today. finished up on WWI, started on the russian revolution. also read some of 'guns, germs and steel' and 'the unbound prometheus.' 6 hours of work never went by so quickly.
  • davis water sucks.

  • 1-15-01 (01:41)

  • i think i'm going to do some massive shifting in my cd collection in the coming weeks. a band like stp, though great, shouldn't be as high as they are. the problem is i don't have the balls to move the collection around a lot. if i were to get 5 key cds then a lot of shifting could be justified, but as it is it's hard to justify so much movement. i also need to listen to a lot more of my middle cds and then make a decision. no one cares.
  • i need to sleep soon.
  • i sure do write a lot these days. compare my updates from this january or december to the years previous.
  • 'the who sell out' is a good album which grabbed me right away, but hasn't built much since the first listening. dark side of the moon grabbed me right away and then as i listened to it more and more i got more and more into it. that's not happening with 'the who sell out'
  • i still think that 'the wall' is my favorite pink floyd album, though dark side is always a close second. i think ummagumma beats out wish you were here, but not by much. pink floyd do avant-garde well enough for me to like it. ummagumma is a good example of this.
  • i wish metallica weren't so good and so influential, especially early in their career. i'd like to knock them down a notch. i have all the doors albums so they won't be moving ahead anytime soon. surely pink floyd and jimi hendrix will move ahead once i round out those collections. and even though vh1 named ac/dc the 4th best hard rock band ever (behind led zeppelin, black sabbath and jimi hendrix) i don't foresee them moving ahead of their current spot. once again no one cares.
  • i think the greatest part of the wizard of oz/dark side of the moon synch project was when "money" started up and dorthy was just leaving her house, which at this point had just landed on the wicked witch. it's all colorful outside and money is playing and it just seemed to fit really well, the pacing of the music and the camera movement and the imagery, all worked very well.
  • the other great part would probably have been the tornado scene and it being synchronized with the woman's wail. worked pretty well.
  • i remember the first time i really listened to "the wall" and roger waters says "oooooh i need a dirty woman. oooooh, i need a dirty gal." i was like "where the fuck did that come from?" at the same time it was pretty cool to hear.
  • i need to watch "the wall" some time soon. now that i have it on dvd i suppose i can do that whenever i like.
  • hate to sound old-fashioned or elitist, but - they sure don't make albums the way they used to. honestly. led zeppelin II, III, IV, houses of the holy. pink floyd - dark side of the moon, the wall, ummagumma. beatles - abbey road, sergeant pepper's..., white album. beach boys - pet sounds. the who - the who sell out. "paul's boutique" is pretty fucking great in much of the same way those were. "ok computer" would be too. so would "in utero" (though "nevermind" is better)
  • MLK - greatest human of the last hundred years -
    killed by the FBI because he opposed the war in vietnam.
    1-14-01 (23:28)
  • watched 'wizard of oz' to pink floyd's 'dark side of the moon' synched up pretty derned well. the major changes in the film were met by similar cahnges in the music. overall it was pretty neat and convincing enough to me.
  • ate two meals today and two glasses of ice cream.
  • washed and waxed the car today. made sure not to get water in the car. also finally put the weather stripping in the door jambs. looking forward to getting a window some time. luckily the car is covered so the rain isn't a factor.
  • actually looking forward to the reading part of work tomorrow. that is, i can't wait to finish reading about the aftermath of WWI and then going on to the russian revolution, which is the next chapter in the book. the worst thing about this is knowing that i wouldn't have read all this if it was assigned reading. i guess i'm an exception, though - assigning this reading, i think, is still a good idea.
  • the low for the next 5 days is under 32 degrees. ouch. no rain in the forecast.
  • downloaded all the free ratm songs off their site the other day, haven't listened to em yet though.
  • duty calls.

  • 1-14-01 (18:19)

  • "crying won't help you, praying won't do you no good" - led zeppelin
  • the song remains the same, for the raiders that is. "self-destruction abounds in late round playoff loss" should be the headline in all the local papers tomorrow. they had their chances, but they didn't take advantage of them. they also didn't have napolean kaufman so that was a big hole in their offense, if you ask this fan.
  • worked from 3-6 today, vern hooked up the 12-3 shift for me so i could see what turned out to be the one play that the ravens needed to win. a 96 yard pass to sharpe which could have been stopped my my grandmother.
  • read some more out of the r.r. palmer book. why no one introduced me to this book a long time ago i'm not sure. i know i'm already planing on using it when i become a teacher. how i'm going to justify teaching history in a government class i'm not sure, but it'll happen. extra credit i suppose. there is some history i will need to teach as a u.s. gov't teacher, but i'd like to fit in more...stuff that people should be learning, but undoubtedly will not have learned. i didn't know much about WWI until reading this book. i learned more from movies like paths of glory than i had learned in any history courses. that's some sad shit. i know i'm not the only one.
  • i like gray davis's plan to extend the school year.
  • last time i was at work i got around to reading some excerpts from the gandhi reader. if only i read this much for class. my grades might be good and stuff. having the books would help i suppose.
  • as soon as i get the chance i'm going to get the most recent edition of that palmer book.
  • not sure what the rest of the day holds for me. maybe some work on the car.
  • i need to start saving up for the trip, in a big way. once the weather clears up i'll go back to old lady smith's house and do some weed pulling. actually i lost her number a long time ago and her name wasn't smith, but i'll likely do a search for much of the same work. it'll no doubt yield easy to get, hard to do, temporary work which will likely help in my goal.
  • it's funny how people try to avoid the fleeting nature of life. things in life are temporary. nothing is permanent. we all know this, yet we try to attach permanence to most everything good in our lives. perfectly understandable, except when we start talking about cloning and looking like elizabeth taylor and living on past glories. they say nothing is more pathetic than an aging rock star. i think that's because most aging rock stars try to hold onto the past rather than making a future. the rolling stones, david bowie, and some others are good examples of rock stars who didn't fool themselves into thinking that the past will remain the present. i guess some would call it selling out, but that's another bag of rice.
  • speaking of rice, i hope he comes back a forty-niner.
  • tomorrow i gotsta work 12-6pm. long shifts suck at the library.

  • 1-13-01 (23:04)

  • watched a bunch of boogie nights deleted scenes and director commentary type stuff. pretty good shit.
  • if i read every time that i work then i'll become a much more knowledgeable individual and thus a better person. after all, knowledge is power. we all know that knowledge will free humans from suffering. that science and technology and mastering nature is going to mean utopia.
  • cleaned the house a good bit, only took about 10 minutes which makes me wonder why our house is always dirty. it's so easy to clean the place, why is this the first time anyone has really done it? we're lazy asses i suppose.
  • gotta do my laundry now.
  • took the bug out for a spin tonight. takes a while to warm up and will die on occasion. adjusted the idle screw on the carb a bit, maybe that'll help in the meantime.

  • 1-13-01 (18:53)

  • balanced my checkbook the other day.
  • read about wwi in palmer's modern history book. damn that shit is so comprehensive, and yet concise.
  • if you go to www.ratm.com you can see the liner notes for the newest ratm album in a shockwave media show format. pretty neat.
  • looks as though they're coming out with their dvd too. good stuff. more ways to spend my money. thankfully, i was looking for more of those.
  • i feel kinda guilty for liking safeway more than the state harvest market. safeway's workers went on strike, i've heard no such turmoil within the state harvest market's labor group. state harvest doesn't sell hard liquor which i guess i should support. the thing is that safeway is so much cheaper and has a better variety. i'm such a consumer whore. yes you are.

  • 1-13-01 (01:31)

  • updated the movies list.

  • 01-12-01 (21:27)

  • spent a lot of time working on the car. had to go out and get a socket wrench which fit the nut on the steering wheel column. after i bought that i biked back home (thankfully it's been nice out today). tried getting the nut off, but to no avail. had to ask vern to hold the steering wheel for me. so i took the car out of gear and tried backing it up a bit so that the wall wasn't in his way. couldn't move the car more than a few inches. made sure the e brake was off. it felt a lot like the car was in gear, but it definitely wasn't. then i pushed in the clutch it would move. this surely can't be a good sign. the shifter is in neutral so it should roll freely, but it only rocks a bit rather than rolling. at this point i'm really wondering what the problem could be. i leave that for another time since we've moved the car enough to give vern some room. he holds the wheel and i put all my weight into the wrench and it finally loosens the nut. get the nut off. then i need to take the adapter off so i can put the new one on. it appears to be threaded as well so without a vise grip to hold the steering column i don't know what to do to get the adapter off. end up fidgeting with it enough and it comes off - turns out it's not threaded, it just takes some elbow grease and a good yank.
  • put the new adapter on. put the steering wheel on. all is good. now to see if that odd problem which prevented me from moving the car earlier is going to affect the running of the car. after some work i get the car started (it hasn't been started for about a month so this is normal). warm it up for a minute and then just take off choosing to warm it up under a light load rather than at a fast idle. it dies at the light, but i find a perfect stretch of road and it warms up nicely. take it on the highway and all is good except for bad traffic and even worse drivers. i take the "high road" (aka the shoulder) for a bit and zip past all the traffic and catch my exit. take malcolm to safeway. haven't been to safeway in a long time so i kinda go overboard with their great deals on food of all sorts (mostly junk). spend too much money. take the cart to the car and realize the first advantage of not having the rear quarter window - easy grocery loading. shove all the groceries through the window and i'm loaded in record time. gas him up. take him home. everything, except for the chilly draft, goes well.
  • so i'm pretty happy that i finally got malcolm back on the road and i finally got most of the glass off the back seat and floor. happy that he runs fairly well (though a valve adjustment would probably do some good - saturday maybe?).
  • had my early class today. fridays and early classes don't mix. today it wasn't that bad though because the sun was out so it didn't feel as early as it really was. i'm tired though.
  • watching "almost famous" tonight at 11pm. should be good.
  • tomorrow i have work from 3-6. same for sunday. monday i work from 12-6. should pay for my groceries.
  • bought 24 bucks worth of tools today, had to make sure that i got the right size socket for the steering wheel. also needed to get 1/2" drive 5" extension. i'll return it all tomorrow and get my money back. i'm so amoral.
  • i don't do much surfing of the internet. i don't keep up with current events.
  • i hope shaq and kobe get into a fist fight and show the world how great they are.
  • i hope that baseball manages to stay together for three more years. mark mcguire hits 200 more home runs, retires, and baseball ends for two years while the players mull over how retarded they are.
  • i'm not going to be able to watch the end of the oakland game on sunday because i have work, that's one i'd like to see.
  • melanie comes in about 108 hours. roughly. 13 hours will be spent working. 6 hours in class. 2 hours watching sports. 2 hours working on the car. 45+ hours sleeping.
  • very happy that i got half the car situation worked out. the wheel isn't on perfectly straight, but i don't really care. the alignment is off (pulls right) anyway so it actually kind of evens things out.
  • ah yes, balance.
  • if there's one thing i like nietzsche for it's his view that each person must create their own self. followers, whether they be christians or marilyn manson wannabes, should learn to think for themselves.
  • more independent thinkers is a good thing, for the most part. i agree with MLK in that i believe there shouldn't be such a separation between the public and private spheres. obviously people should have privacy and family, but i think that we've become too separated as a society. we don't have to have a homogeniety of ideology, but we should have a common respect for each other, a common care, even. community is good. be radically individual, but not at the cost of the whole. nothing gets me more than when someone values their freedoms so highly over another's rights. many seem to have the "that's their problem" attitude. not sure that made much sense.
  • my film teacher was on pbs today talking about restoring old films. pretty nifty.
  • i thought i had something else to say. something about the answer to life. something that would have solved all your problems. darn, slipped my mind.
  • looked online for some geo metros today. could get a really decent one for 2500. if my credit was really great then i could probably buy one for that.
  • no joke here, when the metros first came out i thought to myself "i want one of those." i thought this for purely economical reasons. how cool is it to get 40+ mpg on a four stroke engine? then i could get a green party sticker and have it emblazoned with pride on my bumper. naturally i'd get a manual.
  • still don't know where my other duplicate cd case is. that sucks booty.
  • that reminds me of a tribe called quest song which asks 'what does everybody have which pirates want to steal?' ... 'da booty!'
  • before that song came the beastie boys question 'professor, what's another word for pirate treasure?' ... 'i think it's booty, booty, booty - that's what it is!'
  • okay, now i gotta listen to Check Your Head.
  • from what i've noticed just by observation it seems that recent cars seem to have drum brakes in the back and disc brakes in the front. i wonder why. obviously most cars are front wheel drive too. wonder if that's why.

  • 01-11-01 (23:39)

  • today wasn't anything special.
  • dungey's mom was in class today, that was pretty cool. i wonder what she thinks of his in class antics. i need to talk with that guy sometime. i'm robbing myself of the greatest opportunity in college so far. why must i rob myself of opportunity?
  • my mind tries really hard to make my life uneventful, unfun, dull, boring, strenuous, and painful. it seriously sucks like that. lobotomy time? seriously though, it makes me feel guilty (and i'm not exagerating) for leaving the hot water on for even a second when i'm washing the dishes. i'll be washing a knife and not be using the water at that moment and i'll feel bad. this happened just yesterday. i tried really hard to not turn the water off, i knew that a few seconds wouldn't matter, but then i start thinking about how it's using energy to heat the water, and even though i don't pay for the hot water i should care because we're in an energy crisis and because i should conserve for the environment and the like. you can imagine all the guilt i feel doing other things. it's not just guilt, it pervades all aspects of my life. my bastard-self (as freud would call it) makes me feel bad for not being in a good mood sometimes when i serve patrons at the library. it's like i'm catholic or something. no wonder "i hate myself and want to die."
  • actually i don't, but i just had to use a nirvana song title once in this update.
  • tomorrow i have a class early in the morn. the word on the street is that it's not going to rain tomorrow. swwet! can't really trust yahoo weather though.
  • my middle finger has this cut on the tip and it sucks ass. note to self: don't punch out broken car window glass with fist in fit of rage.
  • autechre is pretty great. i want the album that i gave to jon. it's got doctrine and basscadet et al on it.
  • this hasn't happened lately, but it bugs me when people misuse i.e. and e.g. it probably shouldn't bug me and it only should bug me enough to point out the error to them in a kind manner. i.e. - id est, means 'that is.' used primarily to rephrase what was just said, i.e. it's used to say things in a (usually) more simple or understandable way. e.g - exempli gratis (sp?), means 'for example.' there are lots of things in this world which are long and hard, e.g. life, my dick, baseball bats...
  • learning is good.

  • 01-11-01 (17:11)

  • wasn't there once a law which regulated the maximum size of beating sticks used by husbands on wives? nevermind...i just remembered. damn my memory is the shit. it was the rule of thumb. it limited the diameter of the stick. if the stick was thicker than the husband's thumb then he couldn't use it to beat his wife. i would have gotten that question wrong had it been on a quiz show, yet i knew the answer. i'm just slow.
  • we watched part of pleasantville in sociology of the family class today. a better movie than i remembered.
  • Kai Lennox, the high school/college kid in boogie nights (the one in the limo) was also in pleasantville. he had a much smaller role, but it was cool to seem him, if even for 3 seconds. he had one line - "hey."
  • went shopping, ouch.
  • suffering is more ubiquitous than happiness. is suffering the only truth in life? is suffering the only thing which is constant in life? i don't think so, but i think nietzsche might. i also think that nietzsche would think jesus lived as close to the perfect life as possible.
  • i love it when dungey says stuff like jesus was a poor man's plato or christianity was platoism for poor stupid people.
  • dungey makes me hard, despite the unabrow.
  • got rid of a bunch of crap on my wish list. won't have to worry about that for another 5 months or so.
  • been wondering for a while now how i can say that really know what i think i know. now i know, at least, that the study of such is called epistemology. i guess i should have looked that word up a long time ago, but i never bothered.
  • it's funny because a lot of the time when i read things i look at the long words and don't even sound them out, the same goes for names. so i may well know the word, but i'll never even bother sounding it out in my head. imagine my surprise when i had read about euthanasia, but never had talked about it. then when i finally did, somewhere down the line, it was a revelation. it sounds retarded, but my mind would always look at the word, know what it meant, and then just go onto the next word. it didn't register until later. i still do that today, except it's usually with names rather than words.
  • would it be vain to say that my mind works in mysterious ways?
  • u2.
  • glen e. friedman did a bunch of photography for the beastie boys, including the cover of CYH. i like the shopping cart picture.

  • 01-11-01 (01:29)

  • all these weird dates are created because it's the first month of 2001. so you get 01-01-01 or 01-10-01 or 01-11-01. feels like i'm writing digital code or something. once february comes around it'll be better.
  • i haven't had a poll in a long time, so i used the default poll. cop out? yes indeed.
  • need to get a new florescent light rod for my light above my computer.
  • i was talking to someone over the break about another someone and the problems that person has. it's funny how people can diagnose problems so easily from a distance, yet diagnosing one's one problems is always more difficult. the forest from the trees deal, i suppose. i wonder what people say about me when they talk about my problems. i guess the same goes for the positive things. it's hard sometimes for me to see what is good about me and yet it will be apparent to others that my cock is my obvious strong point. maybe i'm wrong, maybe most people see pretty easily what their strong and weak points are. i certainly have done plenty of thinking about my weak points so i think i've got them pretty well covered.
  • i wonder if the government has taken a group of people and isolated them somewhere to create their own society, all as a sociological, political, psychological study. though i think it would be wrong to do, it would be cool. obviously the participants wouldn't be willing subjects because that would throw off the results. it'd have to be a random sample of people who were unwilling and therefore forced to live somewhere and create a new society.
  • it is said that you cannot make anyone feel a certain way; you can only bring out feelings they have of their self. for this reason change must first occur from within. of course people on the outside may provide encouragement or positive reinforcement to this end, but joe blow can't make me feel good about myself unless the feelings are there. i wonder at what point the feelings which are there become static, if ever. that is, is there ever a point at which an individual's view of their self is so fixed as to be impossible to change? i don't think there is. all this talk seems to imply that a reassuring childhood is extremely important. duh.
  • i have to start taking notes on how to be a good parent. i've taken mental notes up to this point, but i haven't gotten into the habit of writing them down. i'll have to get into that habit.
  • got a hit from finland today. who in finland wants to read this drivel? got one from UCI, too. i don't know anyone from UCI. someone was referred to me by google.com again. this time the search was "spooks things seen mp3 free download" interesting.
  • here's a list of the last ten search engine hits i've gotten (for some reason there is a character limit so some of the searches are cut off):
  • spooks things seen mp3 fr
  • "beastie boys" "a genius
  • chris miller's journal
  • malcolm disabled stevie
  • movies christians shouldn
  • hedonism vacation picture
  • santa cruz hoes
  • "Chris miller" drums
  • chris miller
  • chris miller
  • google.com is the shit. i've been getting lots of hits from them lately. not sure why. in 4 out of the last 5 days i've gotten 20 plus hits. i hadn't gotten that many in a day since before december. maybe 48 hours or 20/20 has finally caught onto my genius. maybe i have really bored friends who read my website 9 times a day. who knows. you know what they say "it's not a pattern until it happens for 11 days."
  • they don't really say that, i just made it up...or as hans gruber (alan rickman) would say "i read it in time magazine."
  • die hard is a great movie.
  • seriously though, those hits are just amazing. i couldn't make that shit up if i tried. "movies christians shouldn't see" har har har. "santa cruz hoes" okay, so i could have made that up, but am i really that bored? "malcolm disabled stevie" i wonder if there is more to that search, even if there isn't it's pretty intriguing.
  • 17 hits from the netherlands, that leads all other countries. in second is australia with 14. ethiopia and canada are tied with 11. i probably have monique to thank for those ethiopia hits.
  • i spent way too much space talking about hits i get on my webpage.
  • it being 2:10 in the am i think i should sleep.
  • listening to medeski martin and wood.
  • just realized that i didn't have dinner today. i hear that einstein would get so wrapped up in thought sometimes, that he would pee himself. he would just lose consciousness of bodily function. i wish i was that thoughtful.
  • "that which 'goes without saying' is frequently that which must be said the most often." - chris miller
  • thus i will say something which goes without saying - einstein was a very smart mutha.
  • it's odd to think about it, but it's true - the things which we consider a given are often times things which bear repeating. you come up with the examples because i'm too tired.
  • there was an ad i saw in the paper it read "need some privacy? large bed. $10/hr. no questions asked! call 752-0000 justin." i thought it was a great revenue idea. i mean there are lots of people who want to have a nap between classes and just can't find privacy on benches or in the library. such a great idea. [naive chris exits] holy shit, what a great idea - offer the freshman a place to bunk up with their high school sweethearts without all the roommate hassle. i wonder if justin cleans the sheets after every customer. capitalism is just great.
  • i'm going to do a stream of consciousness sometime soon. it's fun stuff.

  • 01-10-01 (22:38)

  • "i became convinced that noncooperation with evil is as much a moral obligation as is cooperation with good." -MLK
  • i'm thinking more and more that i should have taken some philosophy courses while i was in school. i think i'll have room for one next quarter. i'm going to be coming to school a lot next year to just hang out and learn; at least that's the plan.
  • "Most philosophers since Plato have held that the highest ethical good is the same for everyone; insofar as one approaches moral perfection, one resembles other morally perfect individuals. The 19th-century Danish philosopher Sren Kierkegaard, who was the first writer to call himself existential, reacted against this tradition by insisting that the highest good for the individual is to find his or her own unique vocation."
  • "a terror from the left can only be broken by a stronger terror from the right" -Hitler. maybe exchange "terror" with "force" and i'd buy that.
  • "Terror is not broken by the mind, but by terror." -Hitler (one fucked up individual)
  • "hitlerism ill never be defeated by counter-hitlerism. i can only breed superior hitlerism raised to the nth degree. what is going on before our eyes is a demonstration of the futility of violence as also of hitlerism." -gandhi
  • Whenever you are in doubt or when the self becomes too much with you, try the following expedient: Recall the face of the poorest and most helpless man you have ever seen and ask yourself if the step you contemplate is going to be of any use to him. Will he be able to gain anything by it? Will it restore to him control over his own life and destiny? In other words, will it lead to self-rule (Gram Swaraj) for the angry and spritually starved millions of our countrymen? Then you will find your doubts and yourself melting away."-gandhi
  • everything about helping others is good.
  • machiavelli wasn't very helpful.

  • 01-10-01 (17:10)

  • one of the best purchases in my life has been my speakers. nothing drowns out worries and amplifies sorrow, happiness, excitement, and the like more than a 15" woofer in a dual ported enclosure.
  • i've forgotten most of what happened in "cat's cradle" but i remember it being the most entertaining book i've ever read. surely something like invisible man is better written and more profound, but "cat's cradle" is more entertaining.
  • "traffic" made me interested enough to look this and this up about nafta and drug smuggling. remember it all because i will surely forget and will need you to remember for me sometime in the future.
  • you know what sucks is when you impart some useful bit of advice onto someone and then they get that same advice elsewhere and then come to you with that wonderful bit of advice which so and so just gave them. all the while you're left thinking to yourself "did this person listen to me at all when i was saying that exact thing?"
  • not sure what made me think of that. actually, i'm not sure what made me think of anything i've said in this update.
  • it's fairly hard to search for songs by the band "the the." unless of course you know what you're looking for. they took anti-piracy to another level with their band name. they should have had their songs be just numbers. oooh, tricky.
  • chris, you're such a silly fellow.
  • i hate jon for getting me hooked on "the box" again. been listening to the 28 minute version pretty much all day.

  • 01-10-01 (15:26)

  • discovered not so long ago that herbie hancock worked on 'groove is in the heart' with dee-lite. pretty cool.
  • raining pretty heavily today, the wind is no bonus either.
  • in terms of sheer volume, i think i've talked about as much as the average 15 year old. what i mean to say is that i'm not a very talkative person, not sociable at all. as a result i'm fairly ineloquent. sometimes i'll replay conversations in my head and realize how much bumbling i do. it's kind of embarrassing.
  • i have more nightmares than i do dreams. i'm not talking about when i sleep, as much as i am talking about just in life. i've got all sorts of doomsday possibilities running on in my head and not enough of the good stuff to subdue them. i worry a lot, but then i've been right a few too many times about the disastrous things that could happen. with the mormon i even underestimated the level at which things would go wrong. i should remain positive.
  • been obsessed with ice cream lately.
  • i should start playing the lottery more often.
  • i view most things avant-garde in the same way most view concept cars. concept cars are over stylized and exaggerated in order to call attention to certain things or to expand upon that which is usually seen as possible, but not as serious cars for marketing or use. outside of free jazz i don't really like many things which fall under avant-garde, but i recognize their purpose. of course once avant-garde begins to breed elitism i have the overwhelming urge to vomit. now that i think about it, maybe i should to just that, only on a 24x36 piece of canvas and call it "experimentation in regurgitation"

  • 01-10-01 (01:08)

  • film professor said that "o brother, where art thou?" was the best film of the holiday season. rock on.
  • revised some pages which i may link later if i care to.

  • 01-09-01 (22:45)

  • my car gets more frustrating every day. soon it'll be fixed though. found i can get the window for around 50 after really expensive shipping and can get it installed for around the same. i'm not in the mood to hunt for old glass in the junkyard or install my first window anytime soon so i'll just bite the monetary bullet.
  • dungey must have read my webpage early this morning because we talked about almost exactly the same stuff as was in the last update, only it was just about grades (which was my focus). very good class, though depressing (as advertised the first day).
  • film class was good, saw a really neat bunuel film. he's the guy who did that avant garde film with salvador dali.
  • melanie remains the shit.
  • updated the movies list.

  • 01-09-01 (01:41)

  • made a discovery today about john paul jones (the bassist for led zeppelin) got me pretty psyched.
  • led zeppelin is so much better than the beatles. i'm on the verge of tears just thinking about their greatness. i shit you not.
  • saw gio on campus today. what fun that was catching up. sounds like she might graduate this year.
  • 03:23
  • i need to learn the meaning of fully checking oneself.
  • i used to think that getting down on myself was really cool, then i realized that going down on myself is cool, getting down on myself isn't. so being hard on myself is bad, but being hard isn't. a fine distinction in both instances, but a key one. now i know so all is good.
  • i'm up a lot later than i should be.
  • led zeppelin is still great.
  • this year i pledge to do some of those things on the "before i die" page.
  • as i age and get wiser i realize more and more how arbitrary tangible measurements of success are, yet they become even more important. surely, sat scores and gpas were important a few years ago, but now tangible measurements of success are even more key to success and becoming what it is i want to become. however, this is not the only reason that they have mattered to me more lately. though i'm not sure what the other reason is, there is one. i know that my grades aren't entirely indicative of what i know, or for that matter, my worth as a person. yet, grades and whether i'm able to answer questions on "who wants to be a media whore" have been weighing on me more now than ever. i know that there is a difference between ignorance and stupidity. i know that not knowing that michael collins was the fourth name on the plaque left on the moon in 1969 is a matter of ignorance and i should feel bad for not knowing it. i didn't feel stupid because no one else on jeopardy knew who the hell michael collins was. in fact i knew that the other guy was richard nixon, along with buz aldrin and neil armstrong, so i felt justified in my ignorance. but here's the kicker...if i had known the answer then i would have felt superior. what i'm saying is that it's a two way street. if i'm going to shun the arbitrary measurements and the (what i deem as) bs yardsticks we use to gauge our intelligence, then i can't rejoice when i succeed in them. so maybe the first step is not feeling good when i get a 1500 on a mock SAT. the second will be not feeling bad when i end up getting a 900.
  • the problem with all that is that it entails throwing out everything that i've learned in the past 20 years or so - people with high test scores are smart and successful. that's the rule. people who know the answers on "who wants to be a media whore" get paid the big bucks. the nice guys get recognition in feel good movies and on the back page of the metro section. those people should be rewarded the most and i know this, yet it's so hard to apply that rule to life when most of the other arbirary measurements are so pervasive and overwhelming.
  • in this sense i think i can understand the same struggle that many people who are deemed "radical individualists" might have faced. guys like thoreau or nietzsche. they meant it in a different way, perhaps, but they, too, struggled to separate themselves from the constructed norms of society and become whom they felt they wanted to become. obviously i'm not comparing myself to either of these guys, i think far too lowly of myself to do that, but i understand the struggle.
  • so either i can accept that there are these measurements of success which i don't buy into and then just discard or i can buy into them and try to succeed within them. since i don't buy into them and since i'm not much of a success by their standards then i'll choose the former. i doubt i'd make the same decision if i was a success by those standards. in a way it is a blessing to have sat scores on the relative low side, for i am then able to take the high ground.
  • in all actuality i'll wake up and forget all this and still get down when watch jeopardy and see how smart i'd like to be, and am not.
  • seriously though, it all comes back to my original answer to life - answering the question 'from where does my worth derive.' when i answer that then things will be a lot better. at least then i'll know what i'm shooting for and what matters.
  • i really should start taking more comfort in the fact that i'm mostly a good human being (as long as you know me more than a little and less than a whole lot) and that i don't mean ill for anyone (except maybe that bastard who smashed my car window and stole my innocence).
  • then i always begin to question human nature. maybe it's human nature to never be content with oneself, in a bizarre darwinian attempt to constantly evolve. or maybe just because. it's all really interesting to think about, but it's also 4am and though i feel like some of this may be making sense and i'm not quite the bumbling pile of ineloquence that i usually am, i should still get some rest because i've got to get ready to not have sex tomorrow.

  • 01-09-01 (00:01)

  • i don't like god because he's not good enough for me.
  • that's pretty much the essence of chris. i don't think i'll ever be completely satisfied in life. i should get used to that thought. i guess that's not a very good thought to have though.
  • i have to agree with johnny about january being one of the lamest months there is. last year january was wack too. i'd say this january has been better, but januarys are still lame.
  • for the most part, once i start thinking about it, i'm not sure why anyone has anything to do with me. even monique said she wouldn't want to live with me. i must be a pretty big bastard.
  • there's only one cure for feeling down, listening to "in utero" by nirvana. all the teenage angst one can buy and from the person who did it best.
  • i remembered my SAT score today and felt very subpar, it was a highlight in my day.
  • "i tried hard to have a father, but instead i had a dad" - kurt cobain
  • the more i think about it the more i want to sell the bug.
  • there aren't many things in life which are constant. it seems that most of the things which are constant are things which hold us back, either literally (gravity, laws, norms, etc.) or more abstractly (our thoughts, our past, etc.).
  • "i miss the comfort in being sad" - kurt cobain
  • man, he's shooting pearls i tell ya, pearls.
  • speaking of cobain...he certainly turned over in his grave...courtney love dated fred durst for a spell, not sure how long, but jeesh.
  • fred durst is about as scumy as they get, if you were to ask me. although i think i remember some playboy model saying he was a great guy, so who knows.
  • i think this webpage is a glutton for punishment. it sucks up so much of my negativity, and i love him for it.
  • webpage, thank you for being my whipping boy (although not in the classical definition of the term).
  • today was a rainy day and a monday, if i were a Carpenter then i'd be depressed for just those reasons.
  • i don't capitalize words very often, but this time i felt it was necessary as to not lose all of my audience.
  • speaking of which. i got 29 hits yesterday and 26 (27?) the day before. pretty crazy.
  • one of these days i'll have a big following and everyone will want to know what's going on in chris' life. i'll be featured on 20/20 or 48hrs. or the like and i'll be a big hit. i'll have mad hot chicks knocking on my door. i'll drop out of school and start living the crazy life. i'll buy a geo metro just to take it out into the desert and trash it. i'll go on my page pubilicly to denounce living a pious lifestyle and claim that hedonism is the only way to true happiness and that it is the job of all humans to constantly seek happiness. then i'll realize the err of my ways, become a born again christian and die an old lonely wrinkled rich man.
  • now that i have my life mapped out i shall retire.
  • 00:30
  • "I'm not like them / But I can pretend / The sun is gone /But I have a light / The day is done / But I'm having fun / I think I'm dumb / Or maybe just happy
  • My heart is broke / But I have some glue / help me inhale / And mend it with you / We'll float around / And hang out on clouds / Then we'll come down / And I have a hangover
  • Skin the sun / Fall asleep / Wish away / The soul is cheap / Lesson learned / Wish me luck / Soothe the burn / Wake me up" - Dumb - kurt cobain
  • at the end of that song he repeats "i think i'm dumb" 12 times. by the end of the song, and by the end of the album really, i usually am left repeating those words because they really stick out. there's another time when he repeats "What is wrong with me" a shitload of times. by the end of the album i usually have one of those phrases stuck in my head. i wonder if this album has done damage to my psyche. oh yea, how could i forget...he also says "Look on the bright side is suicide"
  • kurt, man, you've got issues.
  • well you had issues.

  • 01-08-01 (22:26)

  • just had film class, no big surprises there.
  • had two cloves of garlic in my chicken burritos today, wow.
  • updated the movies list.
  • not much to say.
  • it rained today, but not too much once i was awake.
  • need to get some things done within the next week. especially on the bug.
  • in theory if i were to repeat my life with the same knowledge that i have now then i could make things better for myself, but maybe that's not the point. i'm fairly happy with where i am and part of that is because i've suffered and screwed up a bit along the way. so even though it might be appealing to have the chance to repeat your life with your current knowledge, i don't think it always is. who's to say that you can't start your life anew tomorrow? ah yes, society, the old ball and chain, commitments, material goods, rules, etc. i commend those who have really started their life over and walked away from those things and more.
  • i need to read my MLK book before classes start getting into swing.
  • i need to shave and go shopping so that i can shave and eat and clean.
  • watched some of the simpsons tonight. i couldn't tell you which one though. my memory is the greatest!
  • rejoice! i just remembered. it was the episode when homer thinks bart is gay and so he takes him hunting to become a man. i like the part when homer says to bart 'we're going to turn you into a man' and bart replies 'you're going to let me drive?!' and homer comes back 'no son, you're only 10 - you can't drive. we're going to let you hunt some deer'...that wasn't verbatim, but you get the point.

  • 01-08-01 (17:37)

  • i give gray davis major props for doing something as unpopular, different and necessary as he is proposing. i'm talking about increasing the school year period by 30 days, of course.
  • http://my.ca.gov - we're getting with the times, pretty neat.

  • 01-08-01 (01:35)

  • more class and work tomorrow than i care to think about.
  • today wasn't horrible. got some things done. kinda cleaned my room. looked at a couple books for a total of 5 minutes, but it was a good 5 minutes. discovered that my atlas of world history is by r.r. palmer, same guy who did a book on the history of the modern world. pretty sweet. i shall look that over i more depth sometime. i really should set aside a whole day to look at my books in my bookshelf. i don't have that many, but they're all so informational. i think that my proportion of non-fiction to fiction books is higher than most. i could make some loftly claim about that being really cool, special, and intellectual, but the fact of the matter is that i just like non-fiction stuff more than fiction and most people have lots of fiction and only a couple non-fiction books.
  • it seems ridiculous to have prodigy so cemented in the number one slot. i never really thought about it until now, but i hereby move orbital into the number one slot in the electronica genre.
  • that was just groundbreaking shit. wow.
  • i blow myself away sometimes.
  • as soon as i get another pink floyd album (preferably "meddle") they'll move ahead of the doors. i wish that nirvana and the doors had been around longer. damn lead singers' short lives.
  • i flossed today.
  • maybe i should fill space with useless crap. there are people out there right now who are writing in their journals about interesting, useful, meaningful stuff and i'm talking about flossing and the positions of bands on my cd hierarchy. sad.
  • pretty happy that i spelled hierarchy right on the first try.
  • i need to give myself more props because...well, because.
  • i really should become a self-centered person, it would be more beneficial to my existence and success in society.
  • thought about taking money outta the bank and watching a movie, but i realized that taking money out of the bank probably isn't a good thing.
  • i should call bugformance tomorrow and see how much the vandals have set me back. cars are expensive. i wonder how much i could get for the bug. if i could buy a good geo metro with the money then i'd be awfully tempted.
  • maybe i should worry about getting my steering wheel on first, then take it from there. who knew changing a steering wheel would be so difficult.
  • i hope melanie gets into uc davis, we shall see in march i suppose.
  • sleep is good. sleeping with someone is better.

  • 01-07-01 (22:50)

  • it be raining, but i'm not going to count it as a rainy day since it's not affecting me. after all if it doesn't affect me then it doesn't matter. ha.
  • "the intelligent man finds almost everything ridiculous, the sensible man hardly anything." - goethe

  • 01-07-01 (18:50)

  • found a really good sonny sharrock track today, one that i've been seeking out for a while.
  • "the difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits" - Unknown
  • anonymous and unknown are two of my favorite poets.
  • the last time i listened to the radio on a regular basis was in the summer of 1997. that was an odd time in my life for several reasons, a transitional point i'd say. at the time they were still playing a lot of sublime's 'santeria' on the radio and after just listening to it for the first time in at least two years it brought back all sorts of memories. jeesh.
  • i wish that when a band has a bad message that their music sucked, it'd be all that much easier to hate them. limp bizkit is easy to hate because they're uninventive and misogynists. it's also too bad that bands seem to be at their peak when they're young, of course at this point most of them haven't realized how retarded some of their views are. such a travesty. on occasion one finds bands like aerosmith which are great when they're doing drugs and then stick around long enough to say "hey we fucked up, don't follow our lead." the beastie boys are another example of this.
  • "network tv is not dead."
  • how many tv shows change their opening sequence every week? only one to my knowledge. how many tv shows make you laugh before the show has even started? not many.

  • 01-07-01 (16:50)

  • it's kinda funny how most of the time i just hope that the next day will be a good day, as opposed to taking steps towards it being just that. some days when i elect to wake up early and get a lot done are in the spirit of making the day productive, but usually i'll wake up later than i had wanted or the things i try to get done don't get done because there are snags here and there. i think that it's more about having a state of mind that tomorrow will be good more than anything else. certainly, hoping it will be a good day isn't enough. planning on getting a lot done only works if i get it all done; if i don't then it's more of a let down than anything else.
  • o brother, where art thou isn't playing in davis. that's surprising.
  • vern's going to cut my hair tonight.
  • watched plenty of football today, almost a whole game. first time in a while.
  • played frisbee golf and sucked for the first three holes, but rebounded a bit later. still ended up losing, again.
  • i'm always glad to find more things i'm not good at. it must be the disc i have. if i had a second disc then i'd be a better player, or something.
  • the second most important thing in life is being good at frisbee golf. i'm not sure what the first most important thing is.
  • i'm going to watch the simpsons tonight. that's the first time in a while that i've made plans to watch tv.
  • listened to 5 minutes worth of the radio last night, that was also a first in a long time.
  • i've got lots of candles these days.
  • it's amazing how bored i am these days. i think i've been spoiled by the exciting vacation lifestyle in la. even though i spent a lot of time hanging around and watching movies there was always something that was going to happen in the next day or two. that's not really the case in davis. tomorrow i have class - whoop whoop. in ten days melanie comes, but that's in ten days.
  • tomorrow is going to be a long day.
  • should have asked for some water balloons for xmas. my launcher has been neglected lately.
  • thinking about doing the blockbuster DVD deal. 30 dvds in 30 days for 20 bucks. the only problem is you can only get one dvd a day, so if you miss one day then you've missed you're chance to get all 30 dvds.
  • i think the raiders have gotten very lucky this year in the playoffs. they could have had to face the colts instead of the dolphins, which most would agree would have been much tougher. they also could have had to face the broncos, which would have been disastrous considering the fact that they lost to denver twice this year. and they could have been playing the titans next week, which in my opinion would have been a tougher team than the ravens. this is not to say that the ravens are going to be easy, they won't, but i still think that the raiders have a better chance beating them than the broncos or the titans.
  • i think that the raiders are a really well coached team, more so than even the giants - which from what i saw seemed really well coached. the vikings are good and so is their coaching, but i think their talent take them farther than their coaching, so i think they'll beat the giants. i haven't seen the ravens play at all this year so next week should be fun. here i go planning to watch tv again.
  • listening to a lot of mp3s lately.
  • if you find a sermon style version of "let my people go" then hook it up. the best version i've found so far is by louis armstrong and his voice isn't as bass as i'd like. i want something like the reverend from sullivan's travels when he sang it.

  • 01-06-01 (22:32)

  • updated the movies list.
  • work was boring, but that means laid back and generally not a pain in the ass.
  • i look forward to the summer more and more every day.
  • plotted out much of the quarter while at work today, that i suppose was productive. i plan on using my baltic linen planner more this year than last.
  • maybe i'll wake up before noon tomorrow and get some stuff done, that would be wise.
  • i should probably get around to calling the police and doing the little report dealy. more of a pain in the ass than anything else.
  • mag lights are very good.
  • i shouldn't let other people get me down, especially when i know that i haven't done anything wrong. i guess that's more a universal rule than a personal one.
  • sounds like johnny's situation isn't improving.
  • needless to say i'm not pouring out liquor for any of my fallen homies, that fell by the wayside. i need to come up with something that's less supportive of a retarded industry. if you have any ideas i welcome them.
  • it'll rain tomorrow. i'll be inside.
  • thought about washing the car, but then i came to my senses. can't wash a car when one window isn't there.
  • i like geo metros despite everyone else thinking they are retarded. i don't understand what people have against them.
  • there are plenty of times when i feel like a retard. i don't like those times and don't know what to do about them.

  • 01-06-01 (13:21)

  • today sucks.

  • 01-06-01 (01:59)

  • was looking over my cd collection today and realized that i don't have many melancholy albums. i have some albums which are sad to me for whatever reason, but aren't really melancholy. i even have a couple melancholy albums, but not nearly as many as i would have thought. if you look at the movies i own it's the exact opposite - about a third of my movies are melancholy; this pales to the less than 1 percent of my music which is melancholy. odd. interesting.
  • the good thing about literature in comparison to film is that everything on the page is intended. if the writer is great they choose every word very precisely. no matter how good the director is there are going to be things on the screen which might not be significant or which are out of his control. maybe the producers or writers or the studio are/is leaning on him to do things this way or that. the actors have their own interpretations. in this sense i think that film is far more difficult. at the same time film has the benefit of sight and sound. nevertheless, literature has the advantage of being completely discriminatory regarding what is (not) on the page. if the author mentions the pen on the table then it's there for a reason (assuming we're talking about a good author).
  • rediscovered today people are retarded, there is no hope for humanity, and that we (despite all our outward appearances) are as primordial and base as the apes in 2001.
  • got to watch both seinfeld and the simpsons today. got channel 58 to work pretty well. life is good again.
  • we can only hope to make life good on the micro level. unless of course we are the dalai lama or MLK.
  • fuck this shit, i'm not gonna work on maggie's farm no more.
  • something occurred to me the other day while watching tv...saw the backstreet boys in a third world nation in their bus and saw the crowd outside rioting trying to get closer to the bus. i think that the backstreet boys have honestly caused more riots than rage against the machine. what's even more sad is that they've probably ruined more lives and haven't caused people to think nearly as much, and about as important issues, as rage against the machine. "isn't it ironic, dontcha think?...a little too ironic."
  • got a hit from someone who did a search on google...their search was "movies christians shouldn't watch"...i shit you not. go ahead and do the search yourself. i'm on the second page of hits. some crazy shit i tell you.
  • i hope marc borchardt is doing well. thought about uncle bill today.
  • there isn't any justice in the world, but everybody has told me that since i was 2 - "life's not fair..."
  • i could make tomorrow productive or i could just sleep and waste it away. probably will end up being somewhere in between.
  • rolling stone 100 top pop songs is a joke, but we all knew that. it's impossible to do, we know that as well; they just happened to do a particularly bad job.
  • starting sunday it'll rain until wednesday, at least.
  • updated the movies list.
  • traffic was a very good film, i recommend it. made me think a lot about drugs and the world sucking in general.
  • speaking of which, i just realized that people may have taken my earlier statement regarding my parents the wrong way. what i meant to say is that in living life we all glean certain lessons from our experiences. when someone has a lot of experience in one aspect of life, whether that be drugs or living in poverty or whatever, they are much more able to pass that experience and knowledge onto those who are close to them. SO, since i'm predisposed to being a depressed psychotic self destroying loser it helps to have two people very close to me who tried dealing with the same problems with drugs, and found them to be unhelpful. if i had the same biology that i have and was raised without first hand knowledge of why drugs are lame and a temporary solution to a deeper problem then i am very sure that i would have resorted to drugs a long time ago and thoroughly screwed my life to hell. i think i would have be a great junkie and i'm glad that because my parents had their own run-ins along those lines that i have been able to avoid that route.
  • drugs and alcohol, because i know what they do, have never been a real option for me. i honestly thank my parents for that. i'm not being facetious, or sarcastic, or anything like that - i'm being deadly and sincerely honest. it's like when your parents kill themselves in the mines and fields working 14 hour days so that you won't have to break your back when you grow up. they put in their time so i wouldn't have to. i only hope that i can pass that same thing on to my kids. sadly, though, that experience isn't as easily transferable as the family fortune.
  • glad that i watched a theater movie today, that garners 2pts.
  • worked out a little something something with my dad so that he'll send me 7 movies a month which all have some relation to each other which he thinks i should see. should get him off my back in regards to the inevitable situation that arises when i discuss film with him: 'dad i just saw invisible man the other day.' - 'oh yea?' - 'yea, i thought it was pretty decent' - 'ah yes, james whale. of course you've seen frankenstein, 1931, right?' - (thinking i've finally gotten him beat) 'yea, actually i have' - 'oh then you must have seen the 1935 follow up bride of frankenstein as well...' - 'uh actually no, i haven't' - 'are you kidding?!' - 'dad, fuck off'
  • of course i make the ending of that conversation sound worse than it actually is, but you get the point. i could have researched james whale to death, finding out that he was one of the two big directors of the time who was gay. i could have seen all his films and known every nuance thereof and my dad would still come up with something that i missed. surely this is all in the spirit of passing on his knowledge and making me more knowledgeable in the process.
  • i think i should just shut up about my parents. after all this webpage is supposed to be about me and we all know that parents have no influence on their kids. or maybe i should just be more positive when it comes to talking about my parents rather than talking about how i'm not good enough for my dad. he's really smart and has a lot of potential. if i listened to him more then i'd probably be smarter and wiser. my mom cares more about me than anyone ever has and she's worked harder than anyone i know. they're both about as good as parents come these days.
  • now that the record is set straight i will feel free to tell stories about my dad at the jack daniels factory without getting emails and comments deploring the brad miller bashing that evidently goes on here.
  • that being said i want to fucking sleep. please direct all criticisms to my agent.

  • 01-05-01 (15:19)

  • i love rediscovering albums. it happens a lot since i've got so many cds it's really hard to listen to them evenly. as a result some will get neglected for a while and then one day i'll pop it in and rediscover its greatness.
  • i think i'm going to try to get rid of a few of my cds, the ones i haven't listened to in a long time, ones i may as well just sell.
  • i didn't think about this until just now, but with all the mix tapes and cds that i've made for myself and others i've never gotten one from anyone else. never until this xmas, that is.
  • went to the bank and deposited my paychecks, more than i expected. so of course i went to tower records and picked out a couple cds, only this time i didn't end up buying them. it's a good thing too because when i got home i saw my overdue phone bill, they're gonna shut me down if i don't pay em soon.
  • used one of my screwdrivers, from the set i got for xmas, yesterday.
  • glad i got some shoes, too, because i don't want to have to worry about buying new shoes anytime soon.
  • got a bunch of stamps as well, that'll help. i got a lot of useful things for xmas. should have asked for razors and shaving cream.
  • used my quotations book yesterday as well.
  • can't wait for the new orbital album.
  • "can't wait" isn't a very good expression, yet i use it fairly often.
  • there's going to be a history of jazz series on pbs starting the 8th (i think), should be pretty sweet. wish our reception didn't suck. wish we could get channel 58 so i could watch the simpsons.
  • looks like i have the rest of the day off.
  • i'm not sure what i did in my spare time last quarter. i'm bored and i've only been off work for an hour or so.
  • that candle i made kinda sucks nutsac. the wick isn't in the middle, not anywhere near the middle actually. i should probably beat myself up about it for a few hours. depression kills time pretty well.
  • working on my car has become a chore for me. especially with the recent event. if i sold it i could probably get a mid-90s geo metro and that would be a perfect car for my trip, so long as i slept in my tent instead of inside the car.
  • not sure where my other cd case is, it's got over 200 cds in it so i'd like to reclaim it. hopefully it's at melanie's house or possibly my dad's apartment. i'm going to hold off on making more copies until i know where it is. i'm certain that you care about this.
  • i'm going to finally download the long version of "the box." 28 minutes long. hell yea.
  • i'm going to go out on a limb and say that "o brother, where art thou" is the coen brothers' best film, but fargo is still my favorite. just like hitchcock - vertigo may be his best, and it obviously is, but strangers on a train is my favorite. i think that with o brother everything seemed to come together. the soundtrack is very fitting, the look of the picture is really good (although fargo's cinematography may have been slightly better - this is saying a lot), the acting was very good, and the writing was right up there with fargo. naturally i'd have to see it a few more times to say this conclusively. oh, and i still need to see barton fink again because i've only seen it once and it's certainly one of their better films.
  • wyclef is more inventive, musically, than eminem, but eminem is still up there.
  • it's nice out today.
  • finally got around to making a list of movies i own. i figure that one day i'll own upwards of 550 movies like my dad and i'll be happy that i started the list when i only had 30 something.
  • why the fuck is vern sleeping when i want to play frisbee golf? damn.
  • i'd kinda like to be good at something.

  • 01-04-01 (23:11)

  • i think one of the best things that happened to me in my life was being born to two people who destroyed their lives with drugs.
  • the real answer to life comes from answering this question: from where does my worth derive?
  • truly answering that is a lot harder than one might think at first. when you were 8 it came from having more toys than little joey. when you were 16 it came from being a better basketball player than joey and having a hotter girlfriend. when you were 21 it came from seeming like you had your shit together and being able to drink more than joey while maintaining self-control (yea right). when you were 30 and had worked your way up as a business consultant it came from donating a hundred bucks a year to a charity to feel good about yourself, rooting for the winning football team, being good at golf, and having a nice backyard and a hot wife who would go down on you once in a while. so maybe the orgin of one's worth is constantly changing. maybe few of us really find what it really is. maybe most of the really happy people are able to convince themselves that they've found their source of worth. if you ask jorgay he'll tell you that following god's word will make your life worth living. i don't think there is one right answer. i don't know the answer.
  • the truth is that a lot of people have trouble coming up with reasons their life is worth living...finding out where your worth comes from seems, to me, a huge step in discovering the "answer to life."
  • malcolm x is only as much of a demagogue as jesus was.
  • the negative of a person doesn't erase the positive, it just makes it harder to see. malcolm x's views on women shouldn't erase the good he did for his race. hitler's actions towards jews and non-whites shouldn't erase his backing the idea behind the volkswagon beetle. the same applies to eminem or the unabomber or even you and me.
  • "automatic for the people" is growing on me.
  • i like being able to update my page on my old computer again.
  • taking things for granted sucks and causes a lot of heartache and bad shit. i shall try to keep this in mind.
  • one thing i've learned is that learning a lesson sometimes requires fucking up in the same, or similar, way(s) a few times. sometimes it takes a bit to fully realize the lesson. i'm not actually thinking of one thing in particular, but it seems to be the truth. i guess it's hard to remember and keep in mind everything that you are supposed to have learned while trying to live. like trying to keep things in perspective and thinking about the things that really matter and all the other life lessons in between. i guess this is why thinking is so invaluable. because even if you don't remember everything right away, eventually, after enough thought, you can remember what you've learned and even learn things that you haven't necessarily learned through experience yet. that's always a nice feeling - when you learn a lesson without having to make the mistake yourself. sometimes it comes from seeing others make the mistake, whether that be in person, in a book, a movie, or what not.
  • if there's one thing i've learned in life it's that i should get rest and eat plenty. i'll rest now and eat later.
  • melanie is the shit.

  • 01-04-01 (16:48)

  • i'll have to get used to typing in "01" instead of "00" for the year.
  • this year is going to be good.
  • had the best lemonade of my life the other day. melanie makes lemonade like none other.
  • that reminds me of  "lemon song" by led zeppelin, but that's not actually what i was referring to.
  • classes went well. dungey was up to his old tricks. my other class seems okay, but jenna, from work, is in it so that could get annoying fast.
  • i should go shopping and watch a movie today. don't have the money or energy for either.
  • need to buy some books too.

  • 01-04-01 (10:53)

  • more or less just got home.
  • no work today, i just discovered.
  • bought planes, trains, and automobiles while i was in LA, a good purchase.
  • best xmas present i got was probably the picture of my great grandmother and MLK, but that's pretty hard to beat.
  • it was 35 degrees in sacramento when i got to the airport. it's sunny and nice outside though.
  • i finalized my movie goal details...that'll be summarized on the recent movies page whenever i get the chance.
  • updated the movies list.
  • with the new year and all i'm sure there will be plenty of missing links, tell me about them and i'll be a happy man.
  • i should get to unpacking.
  • updated archives.
  • it's amazing how many bills i've gotten in the past 3 weeks.
  • things to do: take watch in for new battery/band, take film in to be developed, add cds to cd list...
  • updated schedule.
  • ended up adding 6 movies to my "to see list" and seeing 7 so that's good news. if i were to have added all the movies that my dad suggested, though, i'd have 160 movies on the list instead of 100. true story.
  • updated cdlist.

  • 01-01-01 (21:07)

  • i now know the truth. jehovah is the one true god and real paradise awaits me if i join the jehovah's witnesses. thank you lady at the laundromat for enlightening me.
  • done did a lot of driving today.
  • barstow is the biggest hole i have ever seen and if i had my druthers it would be erased from the face of this planet.
  • got really drunk last night. spent the whole morning puking my guts out. happy new year.
  • if you can guess which parts of this update i wrote, and which ones melanie contributed, you get a prize.
  • completed the 300 movie goal, started with pulp fiction, ended with planes, trains, and automobiles. i'd say the year was a success, if not for only that reason.
  • highlights for the year: hitchhiking trip. painting for the summer. meeting melanie. becoming the perfect person, finally. what next?
  • everyone else realizes how perfect i am, and i get elected god.
  • life isn't a democracy.
  • found a quote by winston churchill: "the arabs are a backward people who eat nothing but camel dung." thought of that because i mentioned democracy. i once thought that churchill was a halfway decent fellow.

  • in case i didn't mention it before, melanie is perfect for me.