12-30-00 (18:25)
  • updated movies list. 2 to go. watched 6 yesterday.
  • probably going to see melanie tonight and all of tomorrow, that'll be good shit.
  • went to getty museum today, that was really cool.

  • 12-27-00 (23:08)

  • i'm going to go out on a limb and say that eminem is the most creative artist in mainstream hip-hop these days. chuck d is on the downside of his talent, as are the beastie boys (and who knows if they're really working on an album, as is the rumor). jay-z, dmx, and the rest along those lines are just jokes. dr. dre won't come out with anything for a while and he's not as creative as his pupil - eminem. as for his politics....that's a different matter. i must say that anyone who despises the media and society as much as he does at least has that going for them. his music is also some of the most emotional i've heard lately...up there with ratm, radiohead, tupac and a few others. i see him as exactly what our society is breeding. he's got a lot of anger, i'm sure much of it has to do with the fact that he was abused and his mom was a junkie and the like. it just so happens that he has a creative outlet, and he happens to be really good at it. i think looking at his situation as a microcosm for what happens/is happening on a daily basis these days will yield far more than just denouncing him as an angry no talent fluke. the fact of the matter is that society is producing people who have lots of anger and can't deal with it, just like eminem. if we look at eminem as an example of what can happen/is happening to our kids, rather than just as a social reject, then maybe something will be done about it. by simply ostracizing him and calling him a bad apple we run away from reality. the reality is that our society has more and more people who are as sick and lost as he is. there's nothing wrong with being sick or lost. rather than fighting him maybe we should try to attack the root of the problem. don't attack eminem when the real problem is a lot bigger. sticking up for eminem will likely make everyone think i'm crazy. guess i'm like my dad in that i feel like i have to stick up for people like that or bobby knight or the unabomber.
  • "i probably got a couple of screws up in my head loose, but no worse than what's going on in your parents' bedrooms. sometimes i want to get on tv and just let loose, but i can't. but it's cool for tom green to hump a dead moose"
  • "but if we can hump dead animals and antelopes then there's no reason that a man and another man can't elope"
  • "there are a million others just like me, who cuss like me, who just don't give a fuck like me..."
  • "i don't got to be false or sugar coated at all"
  • the fact of the matter is that eminem has been surrounded by complete insanity and i think he's got more insight on his situation and some of the situations in society than most people do.
  • i wish i was as good to myself as i am to eminem.
  • when i said passion, i meant: "passion-one of the feelings natural to all men, as fear, hate love, joy; pl. these emotions collectively."
  • this update has been retarded.
  • i need to be more simple. do right by others. be true to yourself. learn from the past. period.

  • 12-27-00 (18:46)

  • "as long as i am learning i am making mistakes..." -beastie boys
  • updated movies list. 10 more to go.
  • in society quantity seems to count for more than quality. it also seems that effort isn't rewarded, results matter, not effort.
  • a person's worth is dependent upon bullshit, largely superficial, standards. overcoming this is very hard for some. some just buy into, literally, and embrace capitalism and try to buy their happiness and find their worth by being the first on their block to have a satellite dish, etc. then there are the other people who range from living the exact opposite existence to acknowledging the way it is, but still live their lives and base their worth, largely, on those standards.
  • i don't know what in life is real and what is not. i'm inclined to think that just about everything is a societal construction. i can see why many philosophers have claimed that the only real thing in life are our passions. maybe that is right, but it's not right to live as our passions dictate. i think; but no one knows.
  • there really aren't any steadfast rules in the world. i think that's more or less what postmodernism is about. but what does that tell us? well if i think about it too long it just makes me depressed. make a higher power so that your life is justified and so are your actions. writing about this isn't going to help. fuck derrida and thinking that nothing is real or doesn't matter, because even though it maybe the only real truth there is, it sucks deez.
  • when i get depressed i get really depressed. in the last 6 months or so my depression period has been a lot shorter, so i think that's a good thing. i attribute that to my ability to completely control everything in my life. ha. i start thinking about how much of a loser i am. how i'm not what i want to be or what i should be. how so many people are better than me at things ranging from the stupid to the meaningful. i can come up with 2 bad things about myself for every 1 good thing. then i peak when i feel completely hopeless. society sucks. i suck. things that i've done, or that have happened to me, suck. then i start to get better. i begin to remember that although it's true that i'm not everything i want to be and that there are plenty of people who are better than me and that society does indeed suck, that i should get out of depression and start fooling myself into thinking that everything will be alright. then i goto sleep, wake up and i've usually forgotten about all of it so i keep myself busy by watching movies or such. eventually i just accept the fact that i don't have control over anything except for what i do. of course the fact that i'm not doing what i would like to do is what may be getting me depressed in the first place. somehow i just trick myself into thinking that i'm not depressed anymore. so, i guess i should find a long term solution.
  • i'm not depressed now so all is well, right?
  • spent xmas eve with a friend of dad's. this guy (pierre) invited us over. it was pretty cool. spent the whole time with his 9 year old son. played lots of video games. he lectured me on loving christ and how that was the only way i wasn't going to burn in hell...pretty much his exact words. it was much fun. even got to go to midnight mass. made me sick. believe whatever you want. chances are you're a better person than i am if you believe in god.
  • down on the corner seems to be the most popular CCR song. odd.
  • made the brilliant discovery that "O brother where art thou" (the new coen brothers film) came from the title of the movie that sullivan (from sullivan's travels - 1941, preston sturges) wanted to make..."an answer to the ills of society" and such. not even my dad made that connection. i was proud of myself for making that connection. in this case i was more happy for myself than anyone else was. guess i can be good to myself on occasion.
  • xmas day i woke up at pierre's house at around 11am and watched tv. then played some more video games. then got a ride to dad's house. sarah went straight to the tv so i followed. dad was at work. then i left and had dinner at melanie's house. glad that i had an xmas dinner somewhere. i stuck to john wayne and sports and things with her father went well enough. talked to her grandmother about jazz and old detective fiction and was able to hold some ground there too. so all in all i'm probably not a complete loser in their book. that's a good thing.
  • time for dinner.
  • hope melanie comes over tonight.

  • 12-24-00 (00:14)

  • new news - got my grades. whew, better than expected. Bs all around. a B- in my political science war class, but Bs in the other three. got kinda lucky this quarter i think.
  • tomorrow i wake up early like and do the xmas thing with the maternal side of the family. then get shuttled over to dad's. later that night dad, sarah and i will go to dad's friends place to have xmas-esque festivities. i think we will leave late tomorrow night to get back to dad's house. dad has work from 6am-4pm the next day (xmas day). sarah and i will either goto some homeless shelter and help out there or goto grandma's and hang there until around 3:30. then i drop sarah off and get my ass to mars. get your ass to mars, get your ass to mars, get your ass to mars. that's from total recall, if you recall. so i drive to victorville and hang there for the night. maybe we'll goto big bear. maybe.
  • i have to say that i'm happy with my grades other than the dungey class, got a B, felt like i learned more than that - or at least thought about it more than that. oh well. overall it ended up helping my gpa (because that's not hard to do these days) and was better than the quarter had hinted it was going to be.
  • i should sleep.
  • hear the niners got whooped. too bad.

  • 12-23-00 (17:11)

  • updated movies list.
  • melanie came over to my dad's last night, that was unexpected, but made today worthwhile.
  • "what the hell are you doing here?" - first thing my dad says to me while i've been in LA.
  • paid for a haircut for the first time in several months. they played dj quicksilver the whole time i was there.
  • my dad is retarded when he's sick.
  • still need to do some shopping.
  • xmas gets more and more strange every year. or maybe not. this year is strange, this much is certain.

  • 12-21-00 (23:40)

  • webpage will be three years old in a month.
  • heard grandmaster flash and the furious five's great track "white lines" on the radio today. a truly great moment in radio history.
  • queen have an unorthodox song structure for a few of their hits. it seems that way to me anyway.
  • saw a ridiculous scene on the streets of westwood today. it involved two women, a cell phone, a bus, lots of honking, and many words exchanged. utter stupidity.
  • updated movies list.
  • watched two horrible movies today.
  • talked with phil tonight.
  • my nose is bloody lately, i shall cut it off - despite my face.
  • sarah laughed so recognize.
  • sarah remains a dork. the best dork, she says.
  • having my cd collection on the road has proven useful, however some of the cds have some skips in them. very sad.
  • more useless ramblings from a 21 year old nimrod.
  • sarah says that's an apt description of myself. thanks sarah for the ego boost. one can always count on their siblings for the love and support they need.
  • xmas shopping was lame. got dad his present - humor book - the onion to be exact. oops, i just gave it away...sorry dad.
  • wait my dad never reads this anyway.
  • sarah: "you're such a loser"
  • chris: "thank you sarah"
  • sarah: "ha ha ha, he he he"
  • chris: "sarah that really hurts"
  • sarah (still thinking this is funny): "ha ha ha, shut up, ha ha ha he he he"
  • chris: "sarah, there's a point at which you need to draw the line"
  • sarah: "hi"
  • this webpage update has been a large waste of time. i shall sleep.

  • 12-20-00 (22:00)

  • really going to go xmas shopping tomorrow. for reals this time.
  • watched only one movie today. updated movieslist.
  • still not sure what to do regarding the movies goal for next year. want a point system, think it would be kinda neat, but my math skills are lacking so i can't come up with a really good way of making the goal worthwhile. maybe i'll just wing it and in 2002 i'll learn from any mistakes.
  • 2002? wow.
  • dropped off melanie today. been doing loads of driving lately.
  • hopefully i see three movies tomorrow. fell asleep while watching steel helmet today. i think the video was screwed up because i woke up at a few points and the screen was black, but there were people talking on the movie. i don't think it was just taking place in the dark either. maybe i'll try watching it again tomorrow.
  • listening to crystal method.
  • metallica kind of depress me. listened to master of puppets today (the joys of having a copy of almost all my cds) and realized that metallica used to be really really good. now they're just talented pop metal sellouts. what a shame. a sham even.
  • most of the time i don't feel very smart. that's something i'll have to get over or let control me for the rest of my life. tough choice.
  • i think it's very important to not compare yourself or your behavior to that of others. it just seems that it can go either way if you start playing that game...i'm smarter than most people so i don't need to worry about becoming any smarter. i'm dumber than these people so i should feel like a retard. create your own rules and goals and then live by that. then the challenge becomes creating goals which are conducive to a healthy life, happiness, and fulfillment. then again, it's easier for most people to just have standards by which they are expected to live their lives...SAT scores, gpa expectations, points per game, hours of work per week, etc. religion, i think, taps into this same need for most to have a structured expectation system. makes life easier.
  • about an hour ago i was actually looking forward to going xmas shopping. usually i don't. too much pressure to get the right things for people.
  • being on vacation is kinda cool because i lose all concept of time. i don't know what day it is. what the date is. how much more time there is until xmas. living life without a concept of time is the only way to go.
  • got really worried about the rest of my life last night then i realized that i didn't have to have it all planned out until i'm 22. ha. plans. ha. plans are funny.
  • where is my wallet?
  • saw this thing on tv about a possible link between acutane (acne pill) and suicide. medicine is fun stuff.
  • just got my paper grade back (pop culture) - 89%. according to the TA i should get a B in the class. that would be insane considering i averaged a D+/C- on  my quizzes. i guess we did get to drop one of them, but still it couldn't have been any better than a C. if i get a B in that class then i will finally consider myself worthy of the real world. whew. so much was riding on that class!
  • sarah remains the best, so she says.
  • wish i had some kind of creative outlet. i'm not a writer. i'm not a musician. i'm not an actor. i'm not an artist. i just take lots of dumps.
  • where the hell did that come from?
  • seriously though, it would be nice to have some creative outlet.

  • 12-19-00 (16:05)

  • going out to eat with mom, her boyfriend, and melanie. i want to have the fresh fruit shake, they're the shit.
  • watched a movie today, hence i updated movieslist.
  • had pancakes for breakfast, they were pretty good - despite my making them.
  • drove around a lot yesterday.

  • 12-17-00 (22:53)

  • got a hit the other day from some one who did a search for "frat boy." interesting that they found my site through that search.
  • vern got punched by some surfer guy for stealing his wave. vern calmly told the brute the err of his ways and he paddled off only to turn around mid-paddle to say "sorry." i'd say that's an accomplishment. MLK, Gandhi, and I would be proud.
  • i don't mean to lump myself with MLK and Gandhi. i hereby proclaim my unworthiness in comparison.
  • saw part of rocky IV today. god what a nationalistic piece of crap. the only redeeming part was the speech rocky gives at the end while in moscow - he says something to the effect of 'we can all get along if we just change a little bit.' of course it was the great american spirit which won the russian crowd's affection to the point where they started to root for rocky over the russian boxer. america may not be the strongest nation, but we've got heart seemed to be the point.
  • how quickly things develop - going to pick up melanie tomorrow, i'd say it's more than worth the trip out there and back.
  • i've got some xmas presents to buy, some movies to watch and some fudge to eat. other than that my week, after wednesday is completely open.
  • my sister is definitely a teenage girl. while i'm here i'll try to make that as inconspicous as possible. talked to her about a rage against the machine quote today - 'a mass of tears have transformed to stones now, sharpened on suffering, and woven into slings." got her thoughts on that. hope to talk with her about transcendentalism tomorrow.
  • my mom is pretty neat.

  • 12-17-00 (17:38)

  • not much doing lately.
  • made some fudge, slept, watched too much tv, ate.
  • gotta do xmas shopping. other than that i'm a free man until xmas eve. i should make arrangements to spend time with people while i have it.
  • i'm glad that this break is fairly laid back so far.
  • very very windy outside right now.
  • going to eat mexican (burritos) tonight. should be good.
  • watched parts of a lot of different movies today - willy wonka, total recall, wedding singer, et al.
  • thinking about changing my movies goal next year from 300 to something based upon a point system. for example: new movie = 1.5 points. new movie before 1950 = 1.75 points. movie i've seen before, but not this year = 1 point. movie i've seen before, this year = .75 points. and then i just have to get 350 points or thereabouts. i think it's a good idea because i provides an incentive to watch movies i've never seen before and movies which are old. but the math could get tricky and i wouldn't want to end up watching only 200 movies because the points were too easy to get, or the goal wasn't high enough. if you can come up with some reasonable point values lemme see em.
  • updated wish list link so it's not so hard to find....check sidebar.
  • didn't bring my phone numbers so i can't call phil, jon, or vern. that's a shame. happy holidays and happy birthday (vern), in case i can't talk with you later.

  • 12-17-00 (09:55)

  • my sister is the coolest person on earth, i mean i totally look up to her. she's the best best best, and i suck.
  • actually she just told me to say that. now she's laughing like a goon.
  • updated movies list. 26 to go, should be fun.
  • went to melanie's and saw her play, it was kick ass.
  • going to make some fudge today.
  • sarah continues to be a dork.
  • she says she inherited it from me so i should "shut up."
  • played some epic miniture golf on saturday.
  • sarah thinks she's entitled to be a butt since she's my sister. she even said so. bad sarah.
  • mom's about to go to the mall, sure she'll see plenty of retards there.
  • 10 am is way too early to be awake.
  • i am going to eat and sleep sometime today.
  • not much else to report.
  • one flew over the cuckoo's nest is so damn great. it gets me every time. such a perfect ending, but very sad. very very sad.

  • 12-15-00 (15:30)

  • got to see melanie yesterday and today, that was good, naturally.
  • got to sleep in yesterday, that was also good. then i watched a movie. then melanie came over. watched the jerk, steve martin is great. took the car in today for mom.
  • updated movies list.
  • might go out for sushi tonight, that would be the shit.
  • beware the ides of december!
  • i'm down the the ides of december, even though technically i think the ides of december would be the 13th.
  • damn today was good. the weather was so much nicer here than in davis. i gotta appreciate that kind of stuff while i'm here. here it is, the middle of december, and it's a nice 60 something outside with the sun shining nice and warmly.
  • went to IHOP and had some pancakes.
  • not much more to say. gotta go to my dad's and drop off/pick up some movies then i'll pick up my mom.
  • didn't get much done today in the way of xmas shopping, but the car place held us up for a while.
  • going to listen to the beastie boys on my way into town.
  • images on the webpage might not work because i'm too lazy to download them. you'll live.

  • 12-13-00 (15:54)

  • essay is turned in, bags are packed.
  • i think morgan freeman, or rather stephen king (since he wrote it), put it best when he said "get busy living or get busy dying." that's something even the most postmodern side of me can't deny.
  • what's another word for pirate treasure? i think it's booty, booty, that's what it is...beastie boys kick ass.
  • if i were to say that i'd see you on the flip side it might actually make sense with the new year and all. so, yea, i'll see ya around. maybe i'll even update this biatch while i'm at home. don't count on it though.

  • 12-13-00 (14:02)

  • listening to nirvana - nevermind really loud.
  • ran some errands, a few more to go. making cds for my sister, don't tell her.
  • getting your second wind is the shit.
  • mail has been slow lately.
  • if nirvana had released one more album they'd be ahead of ratm right now. maybe i'll get some of their singles and have them get bumped ahead of black sabbath. black sabbath are better than ratm, but i don't like listening to their music as much. ya know?
  • the cello on 'something in the way' by nirvana just begs you to be sad.
  • fuck it. black sabbath moves down a notch.
  • this is probably my last update so uh, see you in a few weeks or something.
  • by that time i'll be a better person than i am today.
  • that's kind of a good feeling - that with time i'm actually improving, in sum. maybe not physically because i'm such a lazy ass these days, but in sum i'll be a better person in three weeks than i am now.

  • 12-13-00 (09:40)

  • done, got it into 7 pages too.
  • i'll proofread it later.
  • maybe i should take another nap? not very tired. i am hungry though.
  • can't wait to be old, wise, crippled and have someone to take care of me. well, i can wait.
  • my physical prime was junior year of high school, though i have more potential now than then.
  • my memory has gotten worse, but i learn more everyday and think about more everyday so hopefully i haven't passed my intellectual prime yet.
  • i wonder what the sociological and psychological effects have been as a result of inventing mirrors. you think about thousands of years ago we didn't have mirrors. sure we could see ourselves on occasion in the water or something, but it wasn't until mirrors that we could see ourselves whenever we wanted. i don't know, but i think it's had a bad impact, overall, on humankind. then there is the issue of cameras and pictures. how about self-portraits before cameras...why did people have those made? to live physically (on canvas) beyond one's years? simple narcissism? very interesting stuff. if you've given this a lot of thought maybe you should talk to me about it.

  • 12-13-00 (09:11)

  • just about done. two paragraphs to go.
  • worrying about life doesn't do much good. planning is useless. living is essential. knowing how to live takes some thought and lots of experience.
  • "don't worry, be happy was a number one jam..."-chuck d

  • 12-13-00 (08:05)

  • i wanted to write about how MLK thrust himself into public life - stark contrast to the ever-passive thoreau, and i couldn't come up with a synonym for "inject" - as in "mlk injected himself into the public sphere...." so i used word 7.0's thesaurus and it came up with 'inject sperm' as one of the possibilities so i looked that up and it had some interesting synonyms - emit sperm, come, climax, copulate, discharge seed, ejaculate, spill one's seed, fornicate, and squirt. i shit you not. personally, i like discharge seed and spill one's seed the most.
  • never knew that cognizant, was spelled that way. it just looks so wrong.
  • 8:23 and i'm breezing through this biznatch. biatch. bitch. is bitch a bad word? i guess in certain contexts it could be worse than others, even downright mean.
  • i honestly think that had MLK and gandhi not used thoreau's thoughts for things other than avoiding taxes that thoreau would be a far lesser known american thinker/writer.

  • 12-13-00 (07:39)

  • this paper should probably be closer to 10 pages than 7. already i think i'm on pace to do more than 7 pages. that's not good. i can do some fudging with the font and stuff, but that would be wack. i'll just have to be more selective when choosing what/not to include.
  • moving along nicely.
  • dungey makes it easy.
  • you make it easy.
  • 'inside' (14) is definitely my favorite track on 'play.'
  • thoreau was an interesting fellow. MLK made thoreau and even gandhi seem greater, if you ask me. it's like if i become some great comedian and i cite john candy as my major influence then john candy is going to seem even cooler.
  • steve martin is more funny than john candy, but mr. candy was the fucking shit. i still don't own planes trains and automobiles. buy it for me - i'm too lazy to put it on my wish list, but it's there in spirit.

  • 2-13-00 (06:55)

  • thinking i'm going to listen to moby the whole time. i like track 14 a lot.
  • finished the introduction, onto the harder part.
  • the inside of my left ear has been itching a lot lately. very much on the annoying side of life.
  • realized that my tenses are all fucked in this paper...i'm not going to correct that until later, if at all. they won't notice/care. maybe i will correct it after all.
  • not so tired now.

  • 12-13-00 (06:11)

  • slept for about 4-5 hours, but in about 3 chunks since i didn't plan on sleeping that long.
  • i'm really tired now, quite sleepy, but the rest will do well for later in the day.
  • i should be on a plane in 12 hours.
  • "on a plain" - a great nirvana song.
  • i shall begin work on my paper soon.
  • it's cold and dark, i'm tired. wish i could just sleep.
  • mostly worried about how to structure all this information i'm supposed to give for this last paper. the question sets up a decent enough structure, but i don't know how well i'll be able to incorporate everything i want to under that structure. i suppose if i had all the time in the world i'd write out everything i wanted to include and then structure it around certain themes. time is money and i'm one broke ass fool.
  • our reality is the answer to the question - "what are we capable of?"
  • dungey is so right.
  • i wish people weren't so selfish and stupid. god, what a fucked up combination.

  • 12-12-00 (22:30)

  • finals are done. paper to go.
  • your whole teenage life you look forward to driving, even before your teenage years. you practice on video games and in your mind you think about driving and how fun it'll be. then the day comes when your parents take you out for a spin and you get amazingly nervous. holy shit this is a car, it's a big thing, driving carries a lot of responsibility, you could take someone's life, there is so much going on, it's intense. i remember when i first drove, especially the manual, i got all nervous and i really didn't even want to do it once i got in the seat. it was scary. it's easier to just not do it and let it remain something cool in your mind and just play the video games. cuz once you get in that driver's seat you're a changed person. life is different now. all the conceptions of driving and cars that you had before are forever changed.
  • okay, so i wasn't talking about driving or cars - you got me.
  • 7 pages and about 17 hours to work on them. plenty.
  • plenty more to do besides write 7 pages.
  • so when i did finally get in the driver's seat and drove for a little while i got used to it. i didn't press the brakes to hard, i didn't peel out, i didn't oversteer, i looked in my mirrors without swerving, and everything turned out okay in the end.
  • had a good talk with johnny the last night i was there.
  • marc is a goof.
  • finals suck. i'm not a very good student and i should be.
  • i should get some sleep, but i'm not sleepy yet. don't want to start my paper either. think i'll just read some of the notes or some of mlk's autobiography - maybe it'll give me an edge. probably not, but it's still worthwhile.
  • listening to metallica for the first time in a long while. fucking sell outs.
  • life doesn't make sense and trying to make sense of it is pretty pointless. trying to find answers is impossible. last year around this time i was planning on destroying my life and starting over. having a life changing experience is good. whether it's crashing your car in living in a hospital for a year while your brain begins to function or whatever i think starting your life over is usually a good thing. what it came down to was that i was overall happy with my life so i didn't want to screw it up to the level that would have been necessary. what i was basically looking for was a big dose of suffering which would alter my perspective in a way that would, in the long run, be beneficial. the hitchhiking trip was kinda like that, but wasn't long enough. hopefully next year is a good experience. i think it will be.
  • it'll rain tomorrow. hopefully my plane doesn't get delayed.
  • had nothing but potato today. baked potato with cheese for breakfast. baked potato strips and french fries for dinner. i've got spare potatoes, what can i say?
  • shoulda made some mashed potatoes. too much time. no milk.
  • i don't know if it's because i'm a senior or what, but i'm beginning to look further in the future these days. i can't decide if trying to make a plan is good or bad. i used to be so laissex faire (sp?) that i just lived week to week and tried to let life happen to me. i'm still pretty laid back, but i've begun to make a few plans here and there for the future. am i old? am i insane? is it bad? old people are welcome to advise.
  • geek watch ran out of batteries. lost some phone numbers. shite.
  • haven't gotten anyone anything for xmas yet.
  • who protects us from you? - krs one
  • decided that making copies of all my cds is an absolutely wasteful and ridiculous venture so i'm going to continue to do it and try and finally catch up.
  • the more you live the more able you are to learn. yet at the same time the more fixed you become in your beliefs.
  • "i've got an open mind so why don't you all come inside" - mike d
  • paul's boutique probably has the answer to every single question ever posed. it's probably a better piece of work than the bible. but i won't jump to conclusions.
  • if there is a god, the kind of god that chick publications speaks of, then i'm seriously fucked to hell.
  • i don't do much surfing of the internet these days.
  • my feather duster is hung on the wall with a nail, just like johnny. wow.
  • haven't checked my fantasy football bs in a while. oh well.
  • updated the papers page since someone actually requested i do so. my papers are just more and more embarassing every year.
  • kind of an interesting website. he has a little "story" in the ratm cd liner notes....the new one

  • 12-12-00 (09:49)

  • the day begins early and will end very very late, but by the time it ends i'll be done. whew.
  • looks like it's not raining right now, but could later.
  • gotta turn in my paper in 10 minutes, i should go do that.
  • gotta do some major studying today.
  • i'm very tired.

  • 12-11-00 (21:02)

  • more or less finished my paper. more less than more.
  • at any rate jon will be here any minute so we can teach each other the merits of reading before finals week rather than skimming the day before the final.
  • i want ice cream.
  • i should do some pull-ups or are they chin-ups?
  • need to pack some fudge some time soon. i mean pack for the trip.
  • maybe i'll get myself some mountain dew. i'd rather do this whole thing without chemical stimulation, but i don't know if i'm that strong.
  • i'm not going to buy any mountain dew. just decided.
  • i've got movies to watch, i'm going to have to wait on those. oh yea, updated movieslist. 30 left, shite.
  • updated cdlist. vern hooked up another. that makes 494. i'm a sick bastard. i should purge some of those cds, maybe not

  • 12-11-00 (18:45)

  • back once again with the regengade master, and who knows what the songs says after that.
  • i've got a paper due tomorrow, most of it is done, but it could use an hour or so of solid work.
  • i have a massive final from 4-6 tomorrow. then a smaller, easier, but equally important final in film class from 7-9.
  • wednesday i have to turn in my paper for dungey's class. that'll be around 6-7 pages, hopefully i can be concise and perfect on that one otherwise i'll be very disappointed in my grade for the class.
  • i need to sleep. the trip over here took a long time and i barely made it on time. then, despite my desires to do otherwise, i went to work for four hours.
  • scott gave me some news that steve, a guy i worked with at the shelter, has decided to get married. that's some pretty crazy shit, hope it works out. he's a good guy even though i haven't talked with him in god knows how long.
  • god knows a lot despite being dead.
  • i should cease updating my webpage and take a much needed nap.
  • i'm broke.
  • johnny came up with a really really funny insult this weekend.
  • there's this guy named john cage who is infamous for this one 'song' called 4:32. he gets up on stage and for four minutes and thirty-two seconds just sits there - any sounds that may happen during that time make up the 'song.' he's all post-modern and avant-garde like that. i guess it's a nice idea, but it's kinda ridiculous over all. at any rate...
  • we were playing football and marc, one of johnny's more unique friends, failed to cover his receiver leading to a touchdown. johnny said "marc couldn't even cover john cage's 4:32." i think i was the only one to get it, but it was really witty, much props to johnny for it. oh, in case you didn't know - when you "cover" a song you're just doing a remake of it. some famous covers - beatles - roll over beethoven, et al, jimi hendrix - all along the watchtower...so yea it was a really funny insult which probably doesn't seem half as funny now that i've beaten it to a pulp.
  • got to watch some of the football games (niners and raiders) both were good, but the niners were robbed.
  • tv is bad.
  • i should rest. this december is a lot less stressful than last, but these next couple days are still going to suck sac.

  • 12-7-00 (18:24)

  • as always seems to be the case when it comes to santa cruz trips, plans have changed. instead of taking the early bus out of here i'm going to be getting a ride from luke and jenny from davis to santa cruz, pretty sweet.
  • i should get cracking right away on my paper or watching a movie, whichever is more important. the movie would only take about an hour since i'd watch dilinger and the paper would take a lot longer, but an hour spent on it now would be an hour less i'd have to spend on it later. so i'll watch the movie. no i don't know what i'm going to do. probably neither.
  • xmas party at the christian house goes down on saturday, needless to say i won't be there. no big loss, in fact being out of town gives me an excuse to not be surrounded by the whole crew. i'm guessing that any fun and excitement which i may be missing out will be more than gained by going to santa cruz. just a guess.
  • autechre has been in my player the last few days, that might explain my latest insanity.
  • monday is going to be crucial. tuesday the shit hits the fan. wednesday i leave it all behind.
  • hasn't rained lately, that's really good. was warmer today than yesterday that, too, is good.
  • not much to report. people still can't ride bicycles and insist on endangering me on a daily basis. people can't drive cars either.
  • just watched some jeopardy and rocked it better than i ever have. cleaned up on the sports category. then came double jeopardy. the first half was the ego boost for the day the second was a reality check.
  • gotta get to packing.

  • 12-7-00 (00:00)

  • one month after the election.
  • got some good though groundwork laid for my pop culture paper. i know plenty about marxism to spout off about it for a couple pages, which is more than enough. just need to know about gramsci or hegemony (whichever i end up picking) and i'll be set. this is the kind of paper which, in a way, i've been preparing for ever since i got my first rage against the machine album back in 94. here is where i can use all their quotes and spout off about what they stand for and how that relates to pop culture and marx and how gramsci is a fucking tard and all the rest.
  • for the record i think both my parents are pretty kick ass for the most part. i can talk to them and they don't beat me anymore so it's all good.
  • they never beat me.
  • jon's car is fucking awesome. what a bastard.
  • forgot to buy my ticket to santa cruz today. will do that tomorrow. need the information on what buses to take once i get to berkeley. johnny, luke, hook it up!
  • i try not to use exclamation marks. although in my earlier years i used them frequently, at least relatively.
  • listening to aphex twin again. then autechre - tri repetae ++. some good and kinda wack shit.
  • updated movies list.
  • updated cdlist. 7 cds away from a landmark which i never thought would happen.
  • gotta go.

  • 12-6-00 (16:34)

  • got the new ratm album. listened to the first song and it kicked ass. then i realized that i hadn't heard all the songs they covered yet so i'm listening to the originals first, then i'll listen to the rest of the album. thanks to vern for making a 14 dollar cd (which is the sale price + tax) come out to under 14 after tax. in a month or so when the sale is over the cd will be going for 19 bucks - ridiculous.
  • you gotta give props to any band which chooses to cover songs from bands like devo, mc5, epmd, afrika bambaataa, minor threat and bob dylan. well, you don't have to, but i do.
  • today was decent. started off poorly, but joking with jon in war class proved to lift the spirits. of course getting email at work is fun too. plenty from melanie and even more from kdviates (kdvs staff). some interesting conversations going on all stemming from a note from the gm which said to turn the lights off more often. people turned it into this huge political debate having nothing to do with the station. kdvs people are funny, funny queer AND funny haha.
  • think i'm going to give in a go to the market, just for some necessities. i got paid today so i must be rich enough to afford the stuff, right?
  • down on the street is a good stooges song. iggy pop is alright in my book.
  • hopefully i'll eat something filling, take a small power nap watch a movie, get working on some paper type shit, watch another movie and then work on the paper some more.
  • hopefully.
  • saw a bumper sticker today which read "in these days of deceit telling the truth is an act of revolution" sad, but true. i think i'm a pretty honest person.
  • reminds me of this bug i saw the other day, painted red, probably an early 70s model and it had a "question reality" bumper sticker on it. i'm down with that person.
  • the liner notes in the ratm cd are kick ass. simple, but kick ass.
  • the devo cover is fucking rad. very different. the first mellow song by rage, ever.
  • i shall be off now.

  • 12-6-00 (11:41)

  • short day today, gives me a chance to get some things done.
  • guess i should clear up something. i like my dad. despite having a racist father who left him at age 5 he's turned out to be a pretty decent person and friend. i don't dislike him for trying to earn his dad's love. that is all.
  • taking pictures is something i've never been real big on. for a while it was because i didn't have a camera. now i do, so i should take more pictures.
  • haven't carried my switchblade with me in a long time. it occurred to me just now as i looked at it lying there, lonely, on my desk.
  • discovered the other day that the bose wave radio adjusts it's led display based upon the level of light in the room. so when i turn off the lights to goto bed, it dims itself. crazy cool shit.
  • i should get to class. will check mail first.

  • 12-6-00 (01:42)

  • separate, but equal is inherently unequal - so says the supreme court. why can't this logic be extended to gays?
  • life is really strange. feelings are even more strange.
  • as far as my life - as a story - goes, i'm really interested in seeing how it develops. i've got some interesting ventures which may or may not pan out and which will effect the rest of my life. this year could prove to be the most pivotal of my life.
  • i still think that the hitchhiking trip was the best week of my life and march was probably the best month of my life. i'd say that 2000 was the best year of my life to date. as always there is but one way to make it seem even more perfect. but i don't actually care too much about that.
  • jon has been telling me that he understands what i'm talking about when i go on my little tirades. he's the only one who has said they understand it and i doubt people would tell me if they didn't understand it, for plenty of reasons. the point is that one person understanding it is a good sign.
  • i've used jon's name more in the last couple days than in most months.
  • read over some of my old updates and it seems i was once hooked on stacy.
  • i got at least one person to buy into my church/party argument. she's like me in that she doesn't like parties, but gets constantly pressured by her friends to attend them. i don't dig on religion so i don't go to church. i don't dig on drinking and dancing so i don't go to parties. i'm not saying i'll never ever go to another party again, i probably will. it's funny how some people can be so into parties and insist that you come along and have fun with them. if going to parties is your thing then go right ahead, but insisting that i come along doesn't make much sense to me. what's even more strange is that almost everyone i know who goes to parties tries to get me to go. maybe they think it'll be good for me.
  • jorgay and friends thought church would be good for me.
  • been making copies of my cds. there are probably about 80 more to make. what a ridiculous venture. not sure what i was thinking. everyone thinks it was a bad idea and a waste of money. i'm so behind that i shouldn't even bother. i guess the theory of sunken costs comes to mind at this juncture.
  • wondering what my 500th cd will be.
  • get paid tomorrow.
  • going to buy the new ratm album, that'll be good.
  • had a really intense dream last night. i had a dream that i was in a film class, a film class for potential directors - as opposed to a film history class like i'm in now. i was with all these really talented mother fuckers and they all put me to shame. i think the teacher of the class was pretty much like my dad, or at least a father figure to me in a way. he gave out the assignment which was to make a short film of our choosing and he said be as creative as you like. afterwards i think he talked with me and i was discouraged about the whole thing - because a) i have no talent b) i'll never amount to anything so what's the use in trying? he was also like my dad in this story he told me about himself - he said that he too was once a student of film who thought he wouldn't amount to anything. but of course i, and the rest of the class, knew he was full of potential and had all this great talent. so he had this potential, which he only realized in retrospect, and he didn't do anything with it. so he showed me this one video he made, but never entered in any contests or the like. just kept it to himself. and when i watched it i was overwhelmed. there were so many brilliant colors and really intensely cool images and it just made me break down and start to cry because i saw how genius it was and how great he could have been, but how he just shit away all his talent by doing nothing with his life. i think it was about this time that the phone rang. it was a telemarketer.
  • i've had two really intense dreams in the past month or so, which is a rarity.
  • my dreams usually suck ass.
  • so i guess i should be inspired to not piss away my life, but "oh for the sake of momentum...i'm condemning the future to death so it can match the past."
  • aimee mann is smarter than me.
  • if tomorrow went perfectly i'd deposit my paltry paycheck, buy a ticket to santa cruz, talk to dungey just to talk, do some research for my pop culture paper, watch two movies, write a good portion of my pop culture paper, talk to melanie, finish my pop culture paper and go to sleep really late, but with a good sense of accomplishment. but then there's that momentum/inertia thing. you can call is laziness if you like, too. or habit, even.
  • that's not really the perfect day, but it's the realist view of a perfect day.
  • my vision is blurring.
  • i'm not going to have any teeth, hearing, or eyesight left by the time i'm 50. guess i'll have to think more.
  • dungey was talking about suffering and how society is completely geared towards avoiding suffering and towards making pleasure, hedonism, happiness, whatever you want to call it - more accessible and easy to obtain. we can watch tv and be mindlessly entertained, the world's problems will melt away. we can buy things for ourselves, or if we're really great people, for others and feel good and happy. we can start taking paxil, drinking alcohol, popping uppers, and the like and feel happier. the guy is so fucking right.
  • the buddhists say that all life is suffering. i'm not sure all life is suffering, but suffering sure does make you appreciate the better things in life. so are there still questions as to why i wanted to have a string of really shitty jobs the year after college? i guess dungey and the buddhists articulate my views better than i can, but maybe now you can understand why i want to do that. maybe people can understand, too, why i look back on my painting job more fondly everyday. it sucked ass while i was doing it, but it was the best job i've ever had. sure the job at the shelter was also suffering, but it wasn't quite as great as the painting job. physical labor is, well, there's a lot to be said for physical labor. i think it's easy to reduce it to brute work and construction sites as a stew of masculinity and testosterone, but there's much to be learned from physical labor. i'm not defending the blatant male chauvinism that often occurs at construction sites, but i am defending labor. a sense of accomplishment is a good thing.
  • i can't believe i spelled chauvinism correctly. i still can't spell bourgeoisie, but i can spell chauvinism.
  • funny thing - i spelled bourgeoisie right for the first time in my life. i guess jon is good for something ;)
  • this update has been longer than i expected.
  • 33 more movies to watch this month/year. i will continue the goal to next year. 300 in 2001.
  • sounds like a battle cry. kinda like bush/quayle in 1996!
  • a year from now my life could be so completely turned upside down.
  • i guess the only smart thing to say would be that it could also be completely fucking awesome. after all, there's probably an equal chance for both.
  • aphex twin is good, but should stick to the ambient stuff. so if you know him, just tell him i said so.
  • our film history teacher is the shit. he was talking about martin scorsese calling him up with a question. he was also talking about being on the news hour with jim lehrer later this month. did i spell that guy's name right? he also likes planes trains and automobiles. he also said 'ah shit' when i told him about gore's winning florida being taken back because it was too close (back on nov. 7th). or did he say fuck? it was cool either way.
  • if i'm a teacher....i almost typed 'when' instead of 'if.' at any rate, when i'm a teacher i'm going to make it a point to talk to my students as i would talk with a peer. i think they'll respect and like that. i think teachers who cuss are generally cooler than those who don't. i can't remember a teacher who cussed and wasn't cool. if i got fired it would be pretty sweet. i could live off the government for a while and then be a bum and then kill myself after living in abject poverty for a while.
  • not sure where i come up with this stuff, but i should stop.
  • wish i could type faster.
  • i'm glad i haven't had sex yet.
  • i should make up another will. it's kinda fun. i'll make a point of doing just that sometime within the next few months.
  • the forty niners can make me cry.
  • this update has been a lot longer than i had expected. i actually didn't even plan on doing an update.
  • confession - i once tried to be a tagger in junior high. everyone else was doing it. writing my name on walls was exciting and fun. though, i'm not an artist so having any kind of style was always a problem. also i'm not very good at doing anything 100% so it kinda died down. i wasn't committed enough.
  • i think i could have been a good thief if i committed myself to doing that. to this day i come up with all sorts of scams, but don't seem to act on them. i should become a social darwinist and justify my theft with a mantra (which will be tattooed across my buttocks and forehead) "survival of the fittest!"
  • studying is hard and doesn't give immediate gratification.
  • MLK was smarter than Malcolm X. he also took a higher road. malcolm x was the shit and i love him. he had all the potential in the world and i think his suffering made his eyes pretty wide open and he really grew to know the things that he learned. MLK even says himself that he always had an easy life. i respect them both and both made an immeasurable impact on society, but MLK is more of a hero to me than X.
  • was thinking that today and realized that i gave a lot of press to malcolm, but never laid down my views on both of them, at once. so there, i've done it.
  • one day it would be nice to go over all my old updates and take some memorable quotes or entries and put them on a page. i'll never do it, but it would be nice.
  • wouldn't it be nice?
  • yes it would.
  • i'm feeling tired.
  • wish i could do crossword puzzles, but i can't. i suck at them. i'll never be very good without really applying myself. i'll never really apply myself to crossword puzzles.
  • wish i could be harder on myself. i find that i'm not hard enough on myself. wish i could really lay into myself. just really fucking bowl myself over with put down after put down until i was forced to self-destruction.
  • grim, dark sarcasm like that has no place here. get out.
  • got a catalog from the media education foundation, which puts out some really good left-leaning videos on anything from media portrayal of women to war. sadly the videos cost like 125 bucks for an hour's worth of film. they sell to schools so that's why. kinda sad if you ask me. i've gotten a couple things online in anticipation of one day being a teacher. i've even started writing down some ideas in my little black book. either i could be fooling myself or this could be real. but we won't know until it happens.
  • like i said this year, both school and calendar, is proving to be very very interesting.
  • looks like i could clean up this xmas. can't wait to just rip open all my presents. if my sister gets more than me i'm going to be pissed. i want lots of shiny things. and money, lots of money. and i want a gun and a new car. and a case of good ole jack daniels.
  • it would be interesting to see at what point certain people realized that last set of sentences was a complete joke. i'd guess the third sentence would be the first solid indicator. if you've gotten this far and are only starting to realize it now then maybe you should find yourself a new friend. hmm. yea tell me where you discovered it was a joke, be honest.
  • i remember going to tennesee to see my racist grandfather (the one i never talk about - on my dad's side of the family) and we visited the jack daniels factory. my dad had recently stopped drinking, ostensibly anyway, and we were there for a good portion of the day. i hated that whole trip, i fucking despised every aspect of it. i saw my dad as someone who was trying to be better by not letting drinking ruin our lives again and here was grandpa the racist taking us to this fucking devil's workshop telling us how great alcohol is and the like. fuck him he's an ass. by the end of the day i felt like my dad had turned on me because they were talking about how amazing the factory was. at one point i flipped my dad off. i think i was 11 or 12 at the time. fuck that day. fuck that factory. fuck the south. fuck alcohol.
  • now i'm not feeling so happy.
  • this update has been all personal. it's also taken an hour to write.
  • i should be a more tolerant person. it's the way i want to be. i should be able to tolerate stuff like jack daniel's factories. maybe one day i'll look back on this update and ask how i could be such an ass. i guess i'm looking back right now. i guess seeing the problem is the first step.
  • fucking life is so difficult sometimes.
  • i wish bill borchardt was still alive.
  • i wish i could hug tupac and make him love everyone. he's dead though and i never knew him.
  • it's going to rain saturday, i'm not going to be here. sunday it's going to be really really cold.
  • for all my posturing of thoughtful inner-reflection i sure am an emotional person. rationale should dominate my every movement - shouldn't it? ha!
  • i've been on a spelling streak. well, so far that i've checked anyway. i only check words once in a while, when i think i've gotten them wrong.
  • i've been apostrophe happy lately.
  • i have no clue what to get people for xmas. sarah is getting some burned cds, but other than that i don't know.
  • maybe aphex twin is bringing something strange out of me.
  • talked with vern and jon today about sex. air, water, food, sex. in that order those are the things humans need in order to sustain life. after i said that i asked a question - why does religion insist on making sex such sinful thing? jon said that it's probably because, at least in christianity, a core assumption is that we are all sinners...one way religion can ensure that is to pick something that is so basic to our needs and desires and call it sinful. i think that's basically what he was saying and i think that's as a good a guess as i've heard.
  • for the most part organized religion just pisses me off so i try not to talk about it.
  • melanie got to the second round of ben stein's money and lost to some crazy mental juggernaut who went on to beat mr. stein himself. so, no huge disappointment there. quite the contrary, in fact. fun is good. being on tv is gooder. being on comedy central will be the goodest.
  • i need to get some food for the next few days, but i don't want to spend money. i need to do some laundry, but i don't want to bother.
  • i should remember to bring my camera to santa cruz. i have about 2 pictures of johnny and one is from freshman year.
  • i should get my act together and start living up to my potential.
  • it's 03:13 now i should get some sleep.

  • Aphex Twin: Selected Ambient Works Vol. 2
    12-6-00 (00:41)
  • jon came by today with his new car. it's pretty plush. runs nice, feels strong, nice interior and exterior, seems to have plenty of bells and whistles.
  • dungey talked about MLK today. it was a great lecture. as it turns out dungey lives right across the park from where i live. saw him the other day when i was playing frisbee golf. pretty nifty. i still haven't talked to him.
  • updated movies list. billy wilder has done more good shit than i knew about.
  • not much to say.
  • nothing i really want to listen to in terms of music.
  • hmmm.

  • 12-5-00 (18:20)

  • tiffany (the 80s pop singer) was on the quad today, "singing." i guess she's making a comeback of sorts.
  • dungey was ranting about something and he mentioned her and about 2 seconds later a heavy set fellow comes into class, slightly late and out of breath, and gives dungey a tiffany poster which was apparently signed by her. it was classic. the timing was great. kinda had to be there to fully appreciate it, but it was certainly one of the highlights of the day.
  • class in 35 minutes. going to watch double indemnity, great movie.
  • still have about 5 movies of my own to watch. will do tomorrow.
  • pop culture quiz went better than expected, probably the best one all year. won't make up for the other sad attempts, but hopefully my paper and participation grades will.
  • speaking of that paper i want to get it done before my trip to santa cruz on friday morning.
  • jon's car came yesterday. v6 four wheel drive audi a4. think it's a 96 or something. fucking ridiculous, but he isn't the bourgeoisie for nothing.
  • that's twice today i've been an ass to jon. he really doesn't deserve all this abuse. it's all just in jest.
  • gotta relax for about half an hour before class starts.

  • 12-4-00 (22:43)

  • by the end of the day i always feel like time has flown by. during the day time seems to drag.
  • updated movies list. i can't seem to give a thumbs down, even if it's deserved.
  • trying to get online, but the line is busy. that hasn't happened in a long time.
  • turned in my paper today. have a quiz tomorrow. pop culture should have been my easiest class, turned out to be the hardest (grade-wise).
  • i should get cracking on the pop culture paper so it'll be out of the way.
  • going to santa cruz on friday, no word yet on whether luke will be my escort or not.
  • listening to led zeppelin = a spiritual experience surpassed by none other.
  • noticed the other day a banjo on a led zeppelin track. goddamn.
  • 00:36
  • wish i was smarter.
  • wish i got better grades.
  • wish i could win some contest to prove that i'm a worthwhile individual.
  • where the fuck are these fumes coming from? i'm about to collapse and shit.

  • 12-4-00 (03:12)

  • finished this mutha...while listening to "four sticks," led zeppelin IV.
  • i didn't know that angels with dirty faces was directed by michael curtiz. same fellow who did casblanca, i think.
  • my memory is shabby at best, but i'm over it. well mostly anyway.
  • going to bed soon enough. wake up
  • 3:50...got the proofread out of the way. this paper be done. chisel that shit in stone, and stuff.

  • 12-4-00 (00:21)

  • half way done, taking a break.
  • i pretty much have always written one draft of every paper in my college career. not a good idea.
  • updated wish list. added rechargeable batteries.
  • so many distractions.
  • i want ice cream.
  • led zeppelin all night long, it just turned out that way.
  • it's 2am now and i'm tired, lame ass. mostly done with this bastard. lots to talk about, not sure how to make it concise. it says to assume that the reader hasn't seen the movie. how the fuck do you analyze two movies without explaining a bunch of shit to them? how do you get a good grade and still spend a lot of time explaining and setting up scenes. it would be easier if this was an oral paper. i play some scenes and say 'hey look at this lighting - it's fucking dark, just like the situation is - without hope, blah blah blah' ... 'hey check out that funny shit chaplin is doing, ain't it funny? but hey those situations are so outrageously over-stated that it's got to be a social commentary...funny but social commentary versus ford - sad and dramatic, but social commentary. you dig? you give me A+? me sucky sucky for A. yes? you like sucky?'
  • reminds me of menace to society - 'i got a cheeseburger man...come on just hook me up. come on man....man, i'll suck yo dick!'
  • what a great film. better than boyz in the hood. just great.
  • 6 pages long and i have the conclusion and another paragraph in the body to go. 2:35

  • 12-3-00 (22:56)

  • got the intro. ended up scrapping most of the one i had worked on before, but that was expected, it was really just a thought exercise anyway.
  • listening to physical graffiti. it's a good thing i know how to spell it now. fucking tard.
  • checked out some of my old updates while i was at work, i must say that i'm downright ashamed of some of the things i've said. and in a rare attempt to be positive, i'm also impressed with others.

  • 12-3-00 (22:29)

  • woke up somewhat early today, for a weekend day anyway. watched two movies, played some frisbee golf, went to work, now i have to work on my paper. 5-7 pages on the different approaches to social commentary in Modern Times and The Grapes Of Wrath.
  • updated movies list. four in two days. have 6 more rented ones waiting to be viewed. then there's the 4 i borrowed from the father figure.
  • get to work.

  • 12-3-00 (01:50)

  • perspective is very important.
  • those who are able to fool themselves on a regular basis are more equipped in this world than most. they're more likely to be happy, so long as they can continue to fool themselves.
  • thinking is valued by most people, but is it really a good thing?
  • altruism can be a positive sum game. read today in some book about how altruism is by definition taking away from the giver to give to the receiver. this says that altruism is zero sum - that is, that giving involves taking away from yourself. say there is ten bucks in a given system and i have 8 bucks and joe has 2, altruism says that there is only ten bucks to be had, so if i get joe 1 buck then the sum is still 10. i don't know what the people writing this were smoking, but altruism isn't at all zero sum. what a numbskull notion.
  • not going to parties is a fine way for me to deal with it, i think. i just don't agree with most of what i experience and witness while at parties. pretty much the same reason i don't goto church.
  • listening to physical graffiti now.
  • the smartest person i've ever met sent me an email me the other day saying that she found my webpage intellectually stimulating. probably in the top ten compliments directed towards me of all time.

  • 12-3-00 (00:11)

  • at the behest of jonique i went to a party. this despite my not wanting to, at all.
  • everytime i goto a party i realize a few things - i'm not like most people my age, i abhor hedonism, i don't like drinking in groups, fun is relative, and no one understands me.
  • the more i think the more i come to the conclusion that pretty much everything in life is arbitrary and that i don't know shit. my values are pretty much arbitrary because the more i think about it there isn't a real Truth. the only truth i can hang my hat on is that hurting others isn't good. that still leaves a lot to be done.
  • nevermind, nothing matters. nothing matters, but there are lots of things that still annoy, bother, offend, and hurt me.
  • in order to be a happier person i should take some paxil and be over with it all.
  • jordan asked me about my girlfriend. i asked how he found out. phil told him. i'm not jordan's friend and he's not my friend.
  • i'm an asshole for not keeping friends.
  • it's too bad that i can't fit in better.
  • i honestly envy people who are more like the norm. it's easier and just as fulfilling. i'm dead serious.
  • where has thinking actually gotten me? if i thought less i'd be hooking up with some hot drunk chick right now.

  • 12-2-00 (19:10)

  • updated movies list.
  • "too many churches, not enought truth" - the guess who
  • cleaned the room a bit today.

  • 12-2-00 (15:16)

  • i used to think that utopia implied perfection without effort. i figured love was the same way. there's no way utopia or love can exist without some effort. we all want to be happy and have equal opportunity and all the other things that go along with utopia, but how often do people sacrifice and make earnest efforts towards this end? at any rate keep that in mind when complaining that utopia hasn't come.
  • was reading this shit for pop culture about women needing "maternal emotional fulfillment," as one writer called it. they (like i think all people) need to feel loved, cared for, important, need to be nutured, etc. so these authors claimed there were three ways they could get this - lesbianism, a relationship with a man, or other. they said the first wasn't allowed because of societal restraints (sad, but mostly true), the second wasn't possible because of man's masculinity (sad, but mostly true, though i think this could also fall under societal restraints), and the last was (they said) becoming more of an option. they talked mostly about romance novels being the "other" that was providing the emotional fulfillment. i think romance novels are trash. i also think it implies that the woman has settled for someone unfulfilling, that is if i were to buy into the theory that romance novels are filling the so-called maternal emotional need.
  • as is often the case in readings like this they offered plenty of theories and criticisms, but few answers. i understand why, but it can be frustrating to get a bunch of criticism, with little advice. this begs the question - what, chris, is the answer? i've said before that i have a few answers to life, but i've called them by different names at different times....in this case i'd say it comes down to tolerance and critical thinking. a) people need to think about what these romance novels mean, in the grander sense, and individually. why do some people (as was cited) read between 15 and 25 romance novels a week? self-reflection is a powerful thing, especially when coupled with intelligent thought. b) people need to be more tolerant of differing lifestyles, thoughts, ideologies, etc. men shouldn't have to feel like they need to be powerful providers - subscribed gender roles are no good. when that happens maybe more men will step up and provide for their women. also people need to look at homosexuality in a more accepting way. in a sense, societal restraints are so ridiculously arbitrary and unserving that they need not exist.
  • once again i feel like i haven't articulated my position clearly.
  • had work today, it was so so.
  • i might have figured out which movies i'm going to write about.

  • 12-1-00 (23:26)

  • it's december already, and in 30 minutes it'll be the second day in december. finals coming up.
  • still need to choose two films to watch and write about for my film paper.
  • work from 12-3 tomorrow, no fun, but it'll make me be awake.
  • this is going to be a short month as far as updates go, but my late night paper writing should yield a few goodies.
  • november archive here.
  • "i know what it means to be alone" ....as strange as it is to hear robert plant (of led zeppelin) say that, you gotta know it's true. his lyrics and delivery really make me believe that he really does know what it's like to be alone. of course, this is a stark contrast to some green teenager like aaron carter or the like who makes claims to being in love. i've always had to laugh at that. but who am i to judge?
  • watched some of the mclaughlin group show tonight. god what a joke. but who am i to judge?
  • feel bad because whenever i listen to led zeppelin it's one of the first five albums, physical graffiti, in through the out door, presence and coda are oft neglected. physical graffiti is hard to listen to, i find. you can't just have it at background noise for some reason. maybe it's because the compositions are much longer than pop songs, or maybe they're more complex. i don't really know. i do know that it's a fucking kick ass album, but i usually don't have the energy to listen to it. this is not to say that their other albums are less complex or more pop in their structure. they (the first five albums) just seem to appeal to me on both levels. so i can listen to led zeppelin I while wanking off on the computer or while laying down just listening to the music. i'll get a different experience either way, but both times i'll be entertained. it's hard to do the former while listening to physical graffiti. but who am i to judge?
  • still not 100% over my cold. they linger with me so much. not sure why. i seem to get more colds than most, but i can't remember the last time i've gotten a cold that was bad enough to keep me from working. work is the most important thing in the world, remember that and you'll live a long happy life.
  • been getting more and more buff these days. seriously, i'm fucking ripped.
  • worked on the car a bit today. always a pain in the ass. found out it would cost about 500 bucks to get the valves replaced. yay. intake and exhaust valves on cylinder #2 are dished, from what i hear. what can be done about that i don't know...other than replacing them i mean. who knows. anyway i figure i should tune that fucker up sometime when it's not cold, i have time, i have a timing light, and a couple more tools.
  • i lived with a couple tools once. they moved out.
  • downloaded yet another live beastie boys show today. took a shitload of time, but not a fuckload, and of course it was worth it.
  • speaking of the beastie boys, i should break out those dvds again. maybe one of these days i'll actually be able to see all they have to offer. not bloody likely since there's so much, but worth a shot.
  • i should sleep so tomorrow can be productive.
  • black mountain side is such a great track. you best recognize.
  • so if i get 13 beatles albums, plus the two past masters albums then i'll have 15 beatles cds. as far as physical space goes, then, they'll take up about as much space as led zeppelin, far less than the beastie boys (because i'm crazy like that) and more than all my other bands. i guess it's not that bad because they're going to be in the top three bands anyway. so nevermind.
  • i've spent so much money on beastie boys cds i really should be committed.
  • didn't know that committed had to "t"s. you'd think that i'd remember that by now.
  • well it's coming up on 1am now, i should sleep.
  • my last three meals have been breakfast burritos with avocado. damn good shit.
  • email me if you have the answer to life.
  • the b-side to led zeppelin I is so great. i wouldn't doubt it if you could find that exact quote somewhere in my archives. i repeat myself a lot, but it's mostly because i don't have much to say and an inactive imagination.
  • shut the fuck up.
  • the shimmer action on "these eyes" really gets me going.
  • Dungey was talking about the increased move in political science towards trying to quantify everything. he said that it was particularly evident in the study of war...then he wrote this up on the board...
  • Dungey is fucking classic.
  • Dungey's equation of war...

    "x squared plus y squared over pi times hell equals the chance of war"
    12-1-00 (22:17)
  • here's a wack theory i won't be able to articulate well enough: what if religion was the next step in the evolutionary process; or more specifically, believing in religion. when you think about it being religious makes life a lot easier - you know what you're allowed to do, what you're not allowed to do, what you need to do to be a good person, you know the answers of the universe, etc. of course these all differ according to religion, but they all make living a lot more simple. so what if those who believe in religion were really just more evolved? when i say evolved i mean that they've just found an easier way to live a happy or productive life. i envy those of you who have gotten to that point. i still question everything around me and constantly think about what is right and wrong, etc. it takes up a lot of my time and effort. i'm sure the stress doesn't lengthen my life either.
  • thought about that last night while going to sleep.
  • vern gave me a haircut today, he did the sides and i tried to do the top. it looks okay i suppose.
  • guess who i'm listening to right now. the guess who. har har har. they were good for about 18 months and then feel off the face of the earth. too bad.
  • updated movies list.
  • finally figured out my schedule for next year...i had forgotten to add my classes for the last few nights. all is well.
  • i take it back, the guess who had some talent post 1970, but it was hard to notice.
  • listening to beethoven's first. he's the shit.
  • i think living with johnny is going to be cool. maybe when i'm santa cruz he can learn me something about classical music. god knows i'll never read about it.
  • wish i read more.
  • wish i had the ability to read without my mind wavering.
  • vern put in his 2 week notice at tower. i've yet to buy a cd while he's worked there. i think the ratm cd will be the first, when it comes out - next tuesday. he may be working with me at the library, again.
  • applied for assistant III at the library, means more money, more happiness, more fulfillment.
  • for all my posturing of being laid back i sure am high strung about some things. i gotsta do something about that.

  • 12-1-00 (00:08)

  • the wwf is the world wrestling federation. for those who wanted to know.
  • updated movies list.
  • don't really like john wayne, but borrowed a few of his films from my dad over the break. he's good if you throw politics out the window and just try to be a man about it.
  • discovered that there is only one version of I Am A Fugitive On A Chain Gang, wrong again.
  • i used to be underrated / now i take iron, makes my shit constipated.
  • lauryn hill just said that newt gingrich sucks dick.
  • it's easy for cats to kill other cats, it's just the dogs they have the trouble with.

  • the more i think about it, people are dumb.