12-30-04 (00:16)
  • more goodness.
  • jerry orbach died today and that's sad. he was a good actor and had a major role in melanie's favorite show - law & order.
  • updated movies list. 520 for the year which means i've officially averaged 10 films a week for an entire calendar year.

  • 12-29-04 (20:39)

  • there are times when i seriously consider putting an end to this journal of mine. i've been doing it for six or seven years now, but i'll run across other "blogs" out there and it pains me to be associated with that same activity so i just feel like pulling out of it altogether. that's not to say that my journal is sophisticated and others' aren't, but...i guess it really comes down to not wanting to be associated with the same thing that displays the stupidity of others so plainly. but if i did or didn't do anything because of what others are doing then i would be doing myself a disservice. it does make me question the point of this whole thing...at this point, for me, it's more about the habit and the archiving of my thoughts than anything else, but i don't need to put it online to continue reaping those benefits. i suppose that some things in life are made easier when you know others will be disappointed if you stop doing them. this way i not only have an obligation to myself to continue writing movie reviews, my thoughts, etc., but i also have an obligation to those who read this on a semi-regular basis.
  • that said, i have been thinking about making the site available only to those who have a password. that, of course, would include everyone who currently reads the site.

  • 12-28-04 (22:13)

  • updated movies list.
  • finally got caught up on some old movie reviews.
  • still working on my top albums/movies of the year. those lists are going to be late.
  • updated recommendations.

  • 12-28-04 (19:03)

  • now that the six day weeks and the holidays are over i can get back to normal, or, more accurately, find a new normal.
  • good.
  • my sister came over on the 26th and we watched the kings lose to the warriors, that was unfortunate. melanie is gone until the fourth. yesterday my aunt and cousins came to visit/pick up sarah. we went out for dinner and hung out for a bit.
  • today was pretty run-of-the-mill.

  • 12-23-04 (19:59)

  • updated movies list.
  • been busy lately at work. when i'm not at work i've been watching movies and sleeping.
  • bought my first xmas present tonight.
  • started working on my top ten movies and albums of the year tonight. hopefully will have that completed near year's end.

  • 12-19-04 (09:41)

  • went to sleep early last night which means i'm up early today.
  • tv will be here by 1pm today. yay.
  • one of the most hurtful things regarding the melanie situation is the fact that she seems like such a different person when she's with her friends. she does the whole drinking, smoking, smoking thing and acts quite differently and it makes me feel like either she hid who she was the time that she was with me or she's turning into someone different. really, though, i think it's more that she changed while she was with me because that lifestyle had gotten out of control and being with me gave her an opportunity to play things straight. now she's gone back to being like that more often because she doesn't have me holding her back anymore. or maybe i'm just giving too much weight to what she does at night. although she doesn't just smoke at night, and it's not just to keep her awake, as she has alluded to. the whole thing makes me worry about her because i know she has an addictive personality and she even gave me the line that she's not addicted to cigarettes because she's been able to stop in the past. i guess that sometimes having control over one's body means being able to destroy it in the way that you see fit. again i think of bob flanagan, supermasochist.
  • the whole thing also makes me wonder about the larger question of what is a person's personality. some people talk about others being fake, but to me if a person acts "fake" all the time that's just who they are. they may appear to act out of character for the sake of others, but if they do that all the time then that becomes their personality. so to me melanie appears different than i have known her to be. she does things that i thought she gave up long ago, and she seems proud to be doing them, so rather than her acting out of character, it's more that her character has changed or that i never got to see her full character. unfortunately, i think it's more that her time with me was a blip on the radar screen.
  • what about if a person just blows their top once a year? some might say that they're not being themselves, that the person just lost it for a moment, that that's not really them. but to me, even though it's an attribute that shows itself but once a year, that's still part of that person. a small part, but it is still a part of that person's personality...for better or worse. that begs the question - at what point can a person be done with what he's done in the past? i'm sure the bible has a concrete answer to this, but i do not. i know that i can be extremely forgiving, but usually i'm not.
  • perhaps i don't have enough perspective, but i usually think of myself as fairly constant. i don't think that i've changed very much in the last seven years. this is both a good and a bad thing. it's good for my friends because they always know what to expect and maybe it's bad for me because there are things i should change about myself. i think that one reason i haven't changed much is that i value my opinion more than anyone else's. i don't think that's true of everyone else. i think that friends change who a person is quite a bit and the more of them that you have the more you're likely to change - for better or worse. and i think that relating to most people requires alcohol and drugs and i think that there's something to be said for all that.
  • perhaps i'm just warping things so that i don't feel inadequate. perhaps i'm making up this whole "she's changed" thing so that i don't feel like i did something wrong. perhaps i did the same thing with sunny. why do i only date girls whose name ends with a long E sound? perhaps sunny didn't really turn into a mormon and perhaps melanie doesn't get drunk to the point of throwing up and doesn't smoke the way i think she does. or perhaps she always did and it never bothered me. or perhaps i'm making it into a big thing so it's easier for me to blame her.
  • when i'm with her none of this stuff generally matters, but when i'm on my own to think then i can't help but face the facts and think about the future. johnny wants me to leave davis and move in with him in berkeley. i feel like that would be running away, but i know that she would do it if she didn't have school. i know that after she's done with school she'll leave davis and no one knows what'll happen between us at that point. sometimes i feel like she just needs to do these things and get them out of her system and that she'll realize later that we're great for each other, that each provides what the other needs and lacks. and sometimes i feel like she's going to find someone else soon and i'll be relegated to the unenviable position of a second tier friend. the "hey how's it going? let's watch a movie and talk about innocuous things" position. and that makes me sad, but that's life and things change and it's time to move on and all the other clichés that sound like you're moving on, but are really completely empty.
  • speaking of empty...in a couple hours i'll have a new tv and i'll be able to forget about all this stuff for a day because i'll have a new toy. i'll be happy for a day because a material thing will distract me from my reality. i look down on myself because of this, but i also welcome the knock on the door from the delivery guy.

  • 12-18-04 (19:39)

  • glad that i get tomorrow off, also glad that i get the tv tomorrow, but being alone just feels so depressing. maybe because i've been told that being by yourself is supposed to be depressing, maybe because melanie is always with someone, maybe because i need companionship more than i used to. i don't know.

  • 12-17-04 (22:31)

  • tonight bill moyer did a great piece on the shoddy journalism from the right, as well as the media consolidation that has allowed it.
  • i've decided that i'm free from all ridicule regarding my consumption of meat, electricity, gas, an all other natural resources. i've pledged to not bring any life into this world so i'm figure that i'm saving the world from far more than even the most avid vegan farmer who chooses to procreate. stick that in your pipe and smoke it.

  • 12-17-04 (00:03)

  • ted koppel is pretty great which explains why he's on so late.

  • 12-16-04 (20:52)

  • a long time ago i was giving my dad shit about smoking cigarettes and i pointed out that it would lead to an early death. he told me that his grandmother smoked into her 70s. it wasn't until recently that i realized what my retort should have been...i should have pointed out that people who are shot don't always die, but it's still no bonus. that reminds me of the part in kicking and screaming where the girl comes up with a witty retort several minutes afterwards and tries to use it, but the guy says it's too late. i guess you kinda have to have seen the movie to understand.
  • watched the o.c. tonight. it was about as good as i expected. it did make me realize, though, that watching it is a great barometer of pop culture. it also made me horny since the chicks are semi-hot, it's got all sorts of sexual situations and there are victoria's secrets commercials in between acts. melrose place was a better show because it was more clearly tongue-in-cheek. but both recognize, at least somewhat, the vapidity of their respective areas/subjects.
  • bought a tv today, should be delivered on sunday.
  • i eat out too frequently.
  • updated movies list.
  • just saw a kmart commercial that had three red "K"s on the screen. clicK clicK clicK. fucking white supremacists.
  • one of the worst things about not having melanie around is that i have no audience for all my witty anti-TV quips. i just watched about ten seconds of the apprentice and some girl said "i think the good thing about jennifer is that she won't take crap sitting down." which of course sounded to me like jennifer takes dumps while standing, which is sorta odd.

  • 12-14-04 (23:05)

  • i hate being sick.
  • pretty much finished setting up my audio/video equipment. still need a tv and to figure out some way of organizing my video games.
  • updated movies list.
  • it's going to be tough getting used to just being by myself. coming home to an empty place can be pretty sad.

  • 12-13-04 (19:47)

  • called in sick today. i would have only worked a half day (because it's my sixth day), but felt too shitty to even do that.
  • haven't gotten much done today. felt like watching movies all day, but i don't have my speakers set up to my computer and i don't have a tv so...
  • cds are all unpacked.
  • how much of what we do is to please or appease those around us? i think that living on my own will give me a chance to answer at least a bit of that question.
  • my new place is louder that the old place. eighth street is relatively busy so there's usually a car or truck passing by. the walls are also thinner than they were at my old place so i can hear the neighbors playing guitar and watching tv. right now i have my window open and some chick is talking on the phone outside. not sure why. also, my toilet runs at random intervals for some unknown reason and the refrigerator seems to turn on more frequently than most.

  • 12-13-04 (02:27)
  • been busy and tired all week. now i'm sick. good news is that i'm moved in and just need to organize all my shit.
  • tv is broken so i'm looking into getting a new one.

  • 12-8-04 (00:59)

  • updated movies list.
  • been pretty busy lately.
  • tonight i took all my dvds to the new place. 23 boxes of dvds is fucking silly.
  • i don't have work until later tomorrow so i'll probably take another car load of crap over in the morning, and then again after i get off work. i'll rent the truck for the big stuff as soon as i can get melanie, jon or john to help me.
  • i should get some rest in the meantime.

  • 12-7-04 (18:21)

  • pearl harbor was unfortunate.
  • got my new place today. if you need the address let me know. the phone number is the same.
  • i'm going to start moving boxes tonight. not exactly sure when i'm going to rent the truck for the big stuff.

  • 12-6-04 (02:19)

  • updated movies list.
  • pretty busy day, got a lot done.
  • jon came over and we went to best buy to get my dvd player cleaned and fixed, but they said they'd have to send it off and that it would take a couple weeks to get it back. i elected to keep it in my possession and see if the problems persist.
  • after jon left i went to ace and got some mdf cut so i could start building my speaker stands. also picked up some new light bulbs for melanie's tail lights and some cinder blocks for my lo-tech entertainment center.
  • came home, watched some seinfeld, ate some dinner and started working on the speaker stands. watched christmas story, left for sacramento to see another film and went out to dessert afterwards. came back home, watched more seinfeld, completed speaker stand assembly and then stained them. now i'm tired. i'll review my movies from the last couple days at another time.

  • 12-3-04

  • no movies tonight.
  • went to eat sushi with melanie. after that i started working on packing up my stuff. i still haven't heard from the landlady, but packing all my shit should take a couple days and it's better to get a jump on it while i have the chance. i do with, though, that i knew when she is going to let me start moving my stuff.
  • also called my grandparents to see what was new with them. talked with my grandfather for a fairly long time about movies, politics and the like. he's cool guy.
  • listened to autechre all night.
  • updated cdlist.

  • 12-2-04 (20:56)

  • updated movies list.
  • it occurred to me the other day that 50% of my friends are named john, or some variation thereof.
  • un chien andalou is coming to dvd, finally.
  • need to sleep.
  • no six day week this week. my boss always sends me home early and is pretty cool about this whole six day week during the holidays thing. he's a pretty understanding and rational person overall which makes working with him all the better.
  • updated wish list. movies i own list.
  • there's a fear that eventually people will have computer chips inserted in their brains to help them remember things or increase their memory capacity or perform certain motor functions, etc. but it seems to me that it's already happening, at least with me, to a certain extent. i attribute my poor memory to the fact that finding information on the computer has become too easy. if i forget what films philip kaufman directed, i can have the answer in a matter of seconds. if i can't remember a synonym for a certain word i can look it up with equal speed. this leads to atrophy and mental weakness. i have to wean myself away from informational sites to retrain my brain to retain this kind of information. obviously there are times when these sites are helpful, but i have become to reliant on them. no crutches is part of my philosophy and that should extend to computers and reference materials as well.

  • 12-01-04 (00:45)

  • melanie came back from home tonight.
  • i got 26 dvds in the mail today, that was a great christmas present. two i ordered from columbia house and 24 were from a representative from ryko distribution. every once in a while he'll send me a box of screener dvds. ryko distributes all the troma stuff as well as blue underground, disinformation (unprecedented, uncovered, etc.), artsmagic, synapse and some others. a lot of b movies and foreign stuff. needless to say this shipment made my day. now i own more movies that i haven't seen than some people watch in an entire year.
  • i need to get more sleep and drink more water.

  • it's 33 degrees right now. tonight's low will be 31.