went to rubio's for dinner tonight. after i walked in a looked up at the
menu and the manager and register worker were both standing there waiting
for me to decide what i was going to order. the manager guy looked at my
shirt and said "cool shirt man." i told him how much shit that shirt had
gotten me in today and he thought is was lame.
tomorrow is bound to be better than today.
it's amazing how many people are controlled by their desire to have control.
the truth of the matter is that you are the only person you can depend
on. you've got to be your own best friend because no one else is going
to do for you what you can do for yourself.
today has been shitty from the moment i woke up.
before the ucla game i was on the happy side, but they lost and then i
started to come to grips with the fact that i'm completely broke and i'm
planning a trip for the summer which requires a large bankroll. i also
realized that this world is mostly filled with truly retarded people.
i should goto work tomorrow. just called and discovered that they don't
need anyone tomorrow.
"Beliefs are dangerous. Beliefs allow the mind to stop functioning. A non-functioning
mind is clinically dead. Believe in nothing..."
ucla lost, my day can't get much worse.
fuck cbs for not even allowing me to watch the game.
i've got absolutely nothing to do and it's pretty depressing.
got about 9 miles from home and then the car stopped. ha ha ha ha ha ha
aaa tow truck came by and towed it to this place in davis - didn't know
there was a vw place in davis. then i got a ride from them to the amtrak
station. i've got me two huge bags with me this whole time. i'm wearing
my "let the fucking begin" t-shirt.
i walk into amtrak and ask for a ticket to los angeles - the gay says that
then next one leaves at 5:35pm and won't get to la until 2:30am. i ask
him a few questions about other possible routes via bus, train, going through
sacramento first, etc. - anything to get me there are a bit faster. he
says - "you've got the schedule right there" (he has previously handed
it to me, but it's written in greek). then he says "as a side note you
may want to cover up your shirt because the conductor might not like it."
to hear this was unpleasant. i more or less ignored him and asked him another
question about the schedule. he said again that i'd have to change my shirt
so i picked up my bags and started to leave. he called at me and asked
if i wanted to keep the reservation or not. i ignored him and went to a
pay phone. he told me that i couldn't use that phone unless i had a calling
card. then he asked if i wanted to keep the reservation. i said no. he
asked me to speak up and i repeated "no, thanks." then i left and got some
change at subway sandwiches. went to the phone outside and it didn't work.
so i sat around for a bit and decided to give the asshole another chance.
luckily for me someone else was working there. i asked for a ticket and
he proceded to hook that up. then the other guy comes back in a says "i'm
not going to let you buy a ticket unless you cover up that shirt." i asked
why and he replied "because it's offensive...this is a family business
and that shirt is offensive." "to whom is it offensive" i asked. "to me,
my wife and my children" he replied. to which he added "just like if someone
with body odor were to come in and try to purchase a ticket - we wouldn't
let them because it's offensive. it's our policy." i really thought about
breaking his face, but elected not to. then he asked me "would you want
to sit next to someone with body odor?" i said that i wouldn't mind because
i'm a tolerant person and that i remember that the other person is a human,
just like me. i don't think this made sense to him. at this point he said
that i had two choices - i could remove the shirt and wear a different
one or i could leave. i told him that i was going to buy my ticket and
that if any of the passengers had a problem with the shirt then i'd cover
it up, but that i wasn't going to cover it up for him. then he pulled the
trump card..."i'm going to ask that you leave or i will call the police."
i replied "i'd like that." so he called the police and eventually some
white guy with a badge came by and we all went outside to sort through
this whole mess. he told the officer that i had refused to change my shirt
and that i refused to leave. i told the officer that he was discriminating
against me just because i was wearing something that he found offensive.
i told him that when asked he refused to produce any sort of documentation
or formal declaration stating that offensive clothing was not allowed by
amtrak. because the other guy was willing to sell me the ticket and because
the first guy didn't produce anything stating that their policy was to
not allow people with "offensive clothing" to purchase tickets i thought
i had a good argument for discrimination by this one individual. basically
the cop backed up big business and said that since it was a private institution
that they had the right to discriminate. i asked him where they drew the
line - race, weight, ugly faces, people with beards, guys with long hair,
people with shirts that say "fuck,"...where do they draw that line? the
cop didn't have a real answer, but just said that "clearly in this case
he's in the right." i replied "i feel like i'm in texas in the 1950s. i
can't believe you two are so simple-minded. i mean i'm a political science
major and i understand how things work, but i didn't know that it existed
like this in davis." ..."calling us names isn't going to get you any where
sir." said the cop, to which he added "you may be a political science major,
but i've been in the force for 21 years and have had a lot more experience
than you. you've obviously not experienced life, because you just need
to know where the lines are..." something to that effect. then he added
"you've got two choices - you can leave the premises or you can get arrested."..."what
happens if you arrest me?" i asked. "i take you to the station and cite
you and then you have to appear in court." this didn't sound very exciting
to me, i had rather gone to jail and done some real time...going to court
on my own volition at a later time just seemed like a stupid formality
so it didn't really sound like it was all that special. so i said "well
i guess i'll just leave then. you wanna give me a ride?" the cop asked
where i lived and i told him and he agreed. so while he was driving me
home we talked a bit. i told him about the hitchhiking trip last year and
i told him that i didn't understand how someone could be so intolerant
and not only that, but actively intolerant. i tried, unsuccessfully, to
relay the fact that there is a fundamental difference between not accpeting
something about a person and actively trying to change them because of
it. i told him that alienating, disenfrancishing, and subjugating people
because you didn't agree with them is vastly different from simply disagreeing
with them. i told him that i believed that people should be able to express
themselves and that people should also be more tolerant of differences,
but i also acknowledged that (sadly) that's not how the world is and this
experience was testament to that. he said "it's a private business so there's
not much i can do..." i said "yea well i guess we see yet another negative
consequence of capitalism." implying that if businesses were government
run then the so called "right to refuse" service wouldn't be used to discriminate
against people. he didn't really get it.
so two spring breaks in a row i've been in a cop car.
my dad once told me a story about when he was a hippie and had long hair
and the bus driver refused to give him a ride because he had long hair.
this world hasn't come very far.
i was thinking the other night about thus spoke zarathustra - the
nietzsche book - and how it nietzsche's life relates a lot to dungey. dungey
has been more or less alienated by all his peers because he's a post-modern
thinker and in today's society we value science more than post-modern philosophic
thought. nietzsche was rejected by his peers and he basically lived alone
his whole life, but in thus spoke zarathustra the character of zarathustra
is basically just a figure who represents nietzsche. in the book zarathustra
leaves the mountains (his cave) and goes back into society and when he
tries to interact with the people he finds that none of them suit him...they
laugh at him, they don't understand him, they reject his ideas and he's
basically forced away. i think that in a lot of ways that must be how dungey
feels. and it's definitely how i feel a lot of the time. i write on here
all the time how i have only a few friends, how people don't usually understand
me, etc. but for the most part i still fit in. i can only imagine how it
must have been to be someone like nietzsche, to basically live like a hermit
and be viewed as an outcast - like a ted kaczynski type. last night i was
really really sad thinking about nietzsche and how bad it must have felt
to be so alienated. it really hurts me to think about that. and all this
comes from people like the fat guy at amtrak who don't feel secure enough
unless everyone is like them.
so don't be an asshole to people. disagree with everyone you wish, but
don't be an asshole about it. it's a hard thing to do, at least it is for
me. i try to be accepting, but i see fundamentalists with their signs predicting
the apocalypse and i can't stop thinking about how dumb they are and i
just want to tell them that they really have it all wrong. i guess what
separates me from the amtrak guy is that i wouldn't actively alienate those
people. i wouldn't refuse service to someone at the library just because
they have a shirt that says "i love jesus and if you don't then you're
going to burn!" i'd pity them, i'd talk about them behind their back, but
i wouldn't refuse to service them. and, now that i've had an experience
that every black man in the south has had a billion times by the time he's
my age, i'm going to be even more acutely aware of alienating people.
i'm going to bomb amtrak tomorrow.
it's a good thing my car broke down because i had forgotten my razor and
i told the cop the churchill quote "capitalism is the worst system in the
world, except for all the others." because i had mentioned the limitations
of capitalism and then i said that he also said "the arabs are a backward
people who eat nothing but camel dung." and said that i guess i don't agree
completely with what churchill says because of that. he said "i guess he
ran into just the worst of them or something." i thought that was kinda
who knows when the car will be fixed and who knows when it'll be done -
they're not open on sunday so if it's not done by tomorrow then i'll be
here until monday. that would suck. fuck this situation in the anus. that's
definitely the first time i've used the word "anus" on my webpage. now
i've used it twice in one bullet point.
on my way out of davis i saw dungey in his white 80s porsche and waved
to him - he waved back. i was thinking about visiting him since i have
nothing better to do.
this way i get to watch the basketball game, it better be televised or
i'm going to break some knee caps.
well i know i did well on my sociology of deviance paper because i already
talked to the TA about that. the rest of my final performances are up in
the air. i don't really know what to expect. i don't think i did that well
on the whole, but we shall see. really it shouldn't matter - i should just
grade myself based upon what i feel i've learned. nietzsche class - A+,
sociology of deviance class - B, film class - B, sociology of the family
class - B+...so those are my grades and anything to the contrary is bullshit.
going on my hegira tomorrow. i plan to slough all remnants of stress and
disorder that have marked this last week. one more quarter to go and i
shouldn't worry about that until the day of.
i didn't know that paypal paid 4.2% on your balance...that's pretty fucking
i've got to figure out some way of getting money from my credit card into
cash...a lot of it. i don't have those checks that they give you, i think
there's a limit on atm cash advances, and if i were to go through paypal
and then withdraw the money it would take too long. hmmm. should have worried
about this earlier. i'm still going to buy a car while i'm in la.
great minds think alike, but this holds doubly true for weak ones.
i don't really plan on checking my email more than once while i'm on break
so you probably shouldn't bother.
heard some great news about bush today - he's making plans to undo more
of the environmental legislation that passed in the final clinton days.
bush is doing a good job of making me hate him. it seems that every day
he's up to something new.
i love reading excerpts from his speeches because i can hear him saying
it in my mind. his broken speech giving style is so damn funny. i want
him to die. not kidding.
i really hope that the bug does well on it's 400 mile trip tomorrow.
got my evaluation at work today - she said that everything is good, but
that i "should smile more" and should ask for work when i'm not busy. guess
i'm not as productive as the ideal library worker would be. i get a quarter
raise, almost forgot about that part.
when melanie is up here i'll watch more movies and that will be good.
hopefully the next time i write on this page i'll be the proud owner of
a new vehicle - whether it be a ford escort or a geo metro.
just had a mean case of deja vu.
printing that sucka out right now. it's pretty scattered and overall not
as good as i would have liked, but it'll have to do. writing about nietzsche
borders on impossible when you only have 7 pages. i should have made my
subject more narrow. such is life.
it's actually really sad to read nietzsche and see what he thought of himself,
others, and see how people treated him. but we know that the world isn't
gotta get to work now.
got some sleep and that was good.
i had too many granola bars.
have a maximum of two pages left to go. i'll probably just write one more
paragraph and then the conclusion.
my girlfriend is the shit.
i'm not very tired.
have an even longer day ahead of me tomorrow (actually later today since
i won't be getting any sleep tonight).
have to write the nietzsche paper, goto work, study for my film final,
take my film final and then be done with the quarter.
the next morning i leave for la.
sometime before i leave i plan on putting on the last bit of beading on
the car and maybe adjusting the valves.
called the cops because are manager types were yelling at each other. she
kept saying "you don't touch my son..." so i figured it'd be best to put
all that to a stop.
reading the prologue to thus spoke zarathustra has got to be one
of the most academic undertakings of my academic career. it's some dense
shit and the more you know, the more it makes sense and the more amazing
it becomes. at the same time it's so wrought with symbolism and is quite
cryptic at times that it borders on frustrating.
looked into teaching type stuff - what i need to do before i start applying,
how i go about applying, etc. all this shit costs a lot of money...the
cbest set me back 40 bucks, then there are three other tests which cost
70 bucks each, plus a registration fee. then there's a grad. letter service
which holds letters of recommendations which i gather from former employers,
TAs, professors, mentors, etc. and they store all the letters i get for
up to three years and send them out to wherever i apply. kinda nice to
have since i'm not going to be in contact with a lot of the people who
i plan on getting recommendations from while i'm applying for credential
programs or grad schools. of course the convience costs 65 bucks.
i'm going to buy a car while i'm in la. thus began chris's down-going.
i should get cracking.
i thought it would never be the twentieth of march, but here it is. almost
the one year anniversary of the hitchhiking trip. what a trip. every time
i hear the trains pass in the distance i think of the trip; i really can't
hear train whistles the same way ever again.
put beading on two more fenders - one to go and that part of the car will
be done, finally.
lava soap is good and all, but fast orange is even better. it's got that
little exfoliating sand type shit (pumice) in it that makes it even more
effective for cleaning off the oil and other such grunge. my hands are
almost completely clean - except in the recesses where i've been cut and
think i like colgate more than crest.
i just want finals to be done with.
long day tomorrow.
sleeping on the floor has been good overall, but my back still has problems
on occasion. hopefully i spend a lot of time on my back this spring break.
my room is a mess and i like it that way for now.
www.jdpower.com seems a pretty good site for car information. was able
to find out what kind of tires i'd need for a metro there. then i shot
over go www.bigo.com and got a price quote for those tires. pretty nifty.
i'm going to sleep. have a paper to write tomorrow. probably should study
for the film final, that'll probably wait until the paper has been turned
when my car started up tonight after working on the timing it was the sweetest
sound i had heard in a long time. once again, i uncontrollably sprayed
some guy named jeff came up to me at 1am or so when i was working on the
car. we talked about the car and finals. nice guy who has 2 finals on his
birthday this thursday. he transferred from china so he's only a junior
and he's turning 23. nothing wrong with that.
all those damn tree saving liberals and their powered hand dryers are to
blame for the energy crisis.
have 3 good ford escorts to look at while i'm in la. also have about 4-6
metros which look pretty good.
it hit 82 degrees today. i'm actually very warm right now. i had forgotten
what it was like to be warm.
it would be very funny if i got to bakersfield and the bug died. ha ha
the lakers suck and that is good.
as predicted my ranking dropped from 1,461 out of over 500,000 to 10,246
out of 500,000 in the ncaa rankings. i'm now in the 97th percentile. i
am a loser and i suck.
i need to get home by 7pm on thursday to watch the ucla game. i should
leave before noon.
georgetown could surprise a lot of people.
yahoo sports poll has the ucla-duke matchup as the most intriguing sweet
16 matchup, as voted for by the people. i actually picked kansas-illinois,
but ucla-duke is a close second, and is the game i'd rather watch.
rather than wasting away writing on this piece i'm going to put the seal
on the decklid of my car. i'm sure i'll be back with exciting news that
my engine has been stolen or something.
the car runs, oh rejoice. note to self: don't assume you have a centrifugal
advance distributor without checking first.
took car for a test drive and seems to be doing fairly well, will adjust
valves again some time before i leave because i like to push my luck. may
as well test the compression again while i'm at it.
need to eat.
should get to work on the paper earlier tomorrow, rather than later.
work was slow at first and then fun later on. work three hours tomorrow:
3-6. also seeing a teaching credential advisor tomorrow to make sure i've
got things right in my head. sent out the cbest registration today, i'm
forty bucks poorer.
i hope ucla beats duke's ass. what would happen if ucla played gonzaga?
i'll not think about that.
shit, tomorrow is tuesday and i don't have class - i should play basketball
with the kdvs crew. i'm going to do that. basketball is fun and a good
way to put off a paper on nietzsche.
"what's a fat man without food in his gut?"
the ncaa tourney is kinda like the american dream in basketball - anyone
can win at any given time, they just need to work hard and sometimes have
a little luck. of course it's also like the american dream because only
64 teams get to be in the tournament in the first place.
got to watch part of the gonzaga game and part of the michigan state game.
i predict michigan state to win by 9, but that score won't reflect how
close it'll be...i think gonzaga will hang within 3-6 points until the
last 3-4 minutes.
i think temple is the dark horse of the tourney - usc was ranked higher
and has less of a chance against kentucky than temple does against penn
state. although the line on KY is only -4 because they're kind of a sporadic
team (like ucla). in the la times it said of the first round ucla match
up against hofstra "they (ucla) will win by 20, unless they lose by 20."
it sounds crazy, but it's painfully accurate of ucla - who will show up
against duke - the dr. jekyl or mr. hyde version of ucla? i don't know,
but i know that they've got the talent to beat any team in the tournament.
i think georgetown could upset maryland, but i wouldn't count on it. i
don't think mississippi will beat arizona. i've been impressed with the
big victories by kansas. i was surprised to see penn state beat unc, at
the same time i wasn't surprised to see unc lose...hope that makes sense.
all this march madness stuff really is exciting, can't wait until the 22nd.
i think it's pretty cool that coach lavin (of ucla) benched two of his
starters in the last game for leaving study hall an hour early. that takes
balls and integrity. the great john wooden once said that the bench is
the greatest tool a coach has.
watched part of the simpsons today - the who were guests on it and at the
very end they played "won't get fooled again" - it was sublime. just great.
it felt like everything in the show was coming together perfectly and the
song capped it off just amazingly. i think i sprayed my shorts.
that's right, it's officially spring here in davis. i've worn shorts three
days in a row now. some amazing stuff.
work from 12-5 tomorrow.
cleaned the carburetor today, going to see how/if the car runs tomorrow.
trued my front bike wheel - it hardly has wobble at all now.
it's always nice to do things, which normally cost money, for yourself
there's no one i'd rather hear talk about basketball than magic johnson
- he knows his shit and makes it sound so fucking cool. that infectous
smile of his doesn't hurt either. i can't remember the last time i saw
him describing a past game, but it's been too long.
i've actually got a good little list of cars i'm going to look into while
i'm in la. then there's always the car dealerships.
i like soundgarden more than i remembered.
"The average length of time a Yahoo! shareholder holds Yahoo! shares is
seven days." dotcom revolution? hmmm
haven't updated nearly as much as usual lately.
had my first final today, so i've got two down (because i wrote a paper
in lieu of another final) and i've got two to go; both on wednesday - one
is a paper and the other is a final.
i've been thinking about it and i really actually need to find a car fairly
soon. called a bunch of geo metro owners today and think i got one or two
decent leads. i'll call the rest tomorrow and then make a list of ones
to setup meeting times with for when i'm in town.
ice cream is good.
melanie is the shit.
bs2000 album is very cool, better than the first.
ucla kicks ass and so does usc. the pac-10 is doing really well, arizona
should win tomorrow which will leave 4 pac-10 teams in the sweet 16 - very
sweet. only lost one out of the 8 games tonight, tomorrow could be a different
story. i was very surprised to see boston college get knocked out, but
i'm glad that usc did it.
it was genuinely warm today, though not entirely sunny.
work from 3-6 tomorrow.
read part of this philosophy book today, it was pretty dense shit, but
this guy was making a claim about rationality and the viability of an a
priori sense of knowledge. i wasn't really able to embrace it, but i'd
like to learn more about epistemological questions like that.
this summer trip is going to be very nice.
i've managed to neglect laundry for over a month - that is remarkable given
the paucity of clothing in my wardrobe. i really do look like a bum sometimes.
i wear the same shorts and shirts for a few days in a row. for the most
part i don't car and that is nice. i like not taking a shower every day
or always having crisp clean clothes. it's nice that i can get away with
it too (i mean odor-wise).
computers crashed at the library today so we were going to have to check
out books manually by writing down the bar codes of the book and the patron's
libary card...it was just going to be a pain in the ass. luckily the network
reset itself. society is so dependent upon technology it's sick. i said
to one of the patrons "now you know what the unambomber was talking about."
she gave a nervous laugh and walked away. to her the unabomber is a psycho
vern changed the channel to the wwf smackdown tonight and i was thrilled
to see how far we have come as a society. two asian wrestlers were talking
shit, as all wrestlers do. the odd thing was that their lips were moving,
but they weren't in synch with what was being said - it was a play on hong
kong dubbed films. i thought it was rather inventive and very progressive
of the world wide wrestling federation (wwf) to be using such antiquated
and racist jokes. (that's my being sarcastic by the way). what made it
all worse was when the play by play announcers were talking about them
and commenting on how "it's funny how it takes so many words to say something
in their language compared to english." or how "they look like goldfish."
frankly it made me feel very bad to be white, male, american, human, or
otherwise associated with those fucking idiots.
it's funny because recently jason williams (sacramento kings basketball
player) was admonished for saying some racist comment to an asian fan who
was bothering him. the funny thing is that they made a huge deal out of
that, and yet completely ignore the wwf. the wwf does far more racist,
bigoted, simple mindedness than one comment from jason williams can.
the people upstairs are retarded.
the final today didn't go as planned, but that's life at it's most real.
i maintain my lack of hope for humanity.
the whole black beret business is so ludicrous i find it sad that anyone
would bother to mention it on his website.
since i leave on the 22nd i'm going to miss the ucla versus duke/missouri
game (probably end up being duke). fuck. i should get my dad to tape that
for me. that's a game i'd really like to see. i guess there's a chance
they're going to play at 7pm. maybe i could end up watching it then. we'll
i should get some sleep.
24/32 for the tourney so far so i'd have 24 points out of 32, but that'll
change in the next round. the only big loss was virginia losing to gonzaga
because i had them beating oklahoma in the second round, so i'm still in
good shape. on the yahoo site i'm in the top 1,461 out of 526,644.
i've got a final tomorrow. i should get to studying for that. i don't think
i'm very prepared for it at all.
ice cream is my vice.
have a ford escort i'm looking at which could be good.
realized today that after i take the bug down to la i'll have no way of
checking out cars up here so i don't know what the hell i'm going to do.
better find a car while i'm in la. jeesh.
after tomorrow i'll have one paper and one final left, they're both on
wednesday. so having a few days off from school will be nice. naturally
i have work everyone of those days, but not having school will be something
of a break.
tomorrow should be interesting.
13 out of 16 on the ncaa picks. we shall see what tomorrow holds.
today was stressful.
updated movies list.
one week from now i'll be home.
today has been very very hectic. wow.
got the paper turned in and that could have gone more smoothly.
got my grade adjusted for my sociology portfolio.
so far today i've predicted 7 out of 8 outcomes correctly in the ncaa tourney.
i'm going to watch some tv.
i do much better without taking naps before writing.
finished it, will proofread and such at a later time.
maybe i can catch some shut eye right quick.
"Anybody who lived the way this guy was living -- he lived in a little
shack with no power -- something's wrong...He wasn't your usual-type person."
-- resident of Unabomber's montana town.
good to know that people are so progressive these days.
can't wait to go home.
can't wait for today to be over, it's going to be a long day so i'm going
to sleep some.
updated movies list.
started my paper, barely.
i've always thought that the second album of pink floyd's the wall should
be the first, and the first should be the second.
here's pretty cool little quiz
for those of you who need a confidence boost or something.
look everybody it's a falling stock market. whoop whoop. we all knew this
was coming, at least we should have. i sure did, i just thought it was
going to happen 3 years ago, guess i was wrong, but right. at least this
way we can blame it on a lack of consumer confidence thanks to bush. :)
have a paper due tomorrow. also have a quiz in that class so that's going
to be fun.
work was decent.
march madness begins tomorrow and that is good.
i wish people read things without worrying about who wrote them. that's
one reason that when i quote things on my page i often leave out the source.
i want people to make a judgement on the merits of what is said without
knowing who said it. who cares if emerson said it or if kaczynski said
it, the words are the same and so should your reaction to them.
wonder if puffy is going to get the axe.
i'm going to eat and then work on the paper.
work in 20 minutes.
updated movies list.
have a long night ahead of me, haven't gotten any work done for that paper.
the paper is worth 45% of my grade, it'll make or break me for sure.
today was kinda on the long side.
ice cream for breakfast works about as well as anything else.
last dungey class was today. he told us how this was the best quarter he
has ever had as a teacher and felt it was really rewarding. i got goosebumps
and he ended up crying. then, of course, he got a standing ovation which
is pretty cool considering how hard the desks make it to stand up. actually
it's not cool just for that reason, i'm just being silly. har har. seriously
though, dungey is the shit and i'm going to talk with him tomorrow.
tomorrow will mostly suck thanks to the paper which is due on thursday.
the good thing about that is that it's in lieu of my final so i'll get
one out of the way a few days before most people will even start taking
updated movies list.
been swamped lately.
thinking about watching a movie before i goto bed - a short one which i've
already seen before, but it's good, due on friday, and short so it's an
it's funny how much some facts change. population facts are constantly
changing, political systems are always changing (sometimes not so subtly),
what we consider scientific facts are even changing. naturally most facts
don't change, but there are still so many facts which change with time.
some former facts turn into history and others turn into myths or superstition
or are just outmoded in general.
if i watch a movie then i pretty much have to have some ice cream, but
i already brushed my teeth. decisions decisions.
today was more or less the first day of spring. i wore shorts during the
weekend, but was slightly cold. today i could have gotten away with wearing
shorts no problem.
isn't orbital supposed to come out with something new very soon?
heard the new daft punk album isn't so great.
i still download off napster without much trouble. guess if i searched
for "britney spears" more often then i'd run into trouble.
it's always amazing to me how little some people struggle with life. i
think that buddhists or nietzscheans would see that and think that those
people are just missing the point of life. i think i'd agree. obviously
i don't think seeking pain or suffering is good, but struggle is. i'm not
talking struggle with regards to what you're going to wear to your wedding
or having a fight with your new significant other. i'm talking struggling
with deeper questions that life present daily...existence, meaning, direction,
etc. some people really don't ever seriously question what they're doing
with themselves. they just see that everyone else is wearing gap, think
that it's cool, and go on wearing it. others think that the gap is the
devil and will never wear it. i just want people to seriously question
things, from why they're wearing what they're wearing to what they want
to do with their life. i don't mind if people come to a different conclusion
than i have - in fact i celebrate when someone has truly questioned things.
i also think that people feel like they are questioning things, but without
an education - or some exposure to higher levels of thought - it's extremely
difficult to question things at a level which will be conducive to any
sort of change. i'm brain dead right now so i can't come up with any examples,
but i think you get the point and you probably see it around you, and if
you're really cool, within yourself.
can't wait to get to la. i've got a hot date with my mom lined up, even
a day set aside for the old pops. oh, and then there's that melanie girl
who hangs around sometime; she's pretty nifty.
i'm going to eat ice cream and watch el mariachi. good film, better than
the remake - desperado. what a delight it was to see it on the big screen
when no one even knew who robert rodriguez was. by the time four rooms
came out they knew.
what song is it that says "it's getting, it's getting, it's getting kinda
hectic..."? i forget, but it is.
one paper down, one due on thursday (sociology) which will require not
much writing, but lots of prep., and one due next wednesday (nietzsche)
which will require not too much writing, but a good amount of gathering
got my midterm back from last quarter's dungey class - an 87 which means
that i was really close to a b+ in that class. wish i could have gotten
that because i know i deserved it.
weather has been really nice lately, it was even hot today if you spent
enough time in the sun.
sent out a bunch of bills today so that's a weight off the shoulders.
have a new metro lead - 1995, manual, newly charged a/c, white (with some
kind of potentially wack decal), 100K miles, one owner, and "if you make
an offer i'll probably take it." it's this couple who have two cars and
just can't afford the car anymore, it needs some work, but they're willing
to take that into account on the price. so i'm thinking that i'll tell
them to get the two tires replaced and get it tuned up like it needs and,
so long as everything else on it is legit and the mechanics don't find
any potential problems, then i'll make an offer on the way low side (1500?)
and see if they take it.
then there's an escort in davis 1993 (not as good a year as a 95 metro),
red, 94k miles, some small scratches, newly tuned, a/c, new brakes, new
tags, smogged, $1800. we shall see. it's in davis so it doesn't hurt to
bike over to their place and check it out.
i've got five movies to watch by friday, otherwise dem fees start to stack
one of these days i'll have enough time to discuss all the deep issues
which have been on my mind lately. i've wanted to talk about all sorts
of things from the influence the past has one people to more ramblings
on the existence of humans.
took a quick glance at some freud today - if he was right then this world
sucks more than it already does.
i should get some sleep soon.
yesterday was rather shitty, but i had an old friend there to help me out.
his name was jack daniels. actually it was melanie, but if it was jack
daniels you'd think i was cooler, right?
i really want to watch more horror films now. i've never been really into
them, but after watching two of the greatest horror films of all time,
and another which was directed by one of the greats, i've decided that
horror films are on the cool list and i should sink myself into them for
the next few video rental trips.
the internet is mostly boring.
my back is doing better.
march is going quickly and that is very good.
you should tell someone you care about them today.
been pretty damned busy lately.
updated movies list.
going to start writing my english film paper pretty soon, decided to do
it on horror films and how they differ in creating atmosphere. let me just
say that romero kicks ass and that i'm going to have to start watching
more horror flicks.
i actually ended up watching mark borchardt's two favorite horror films
today. pretty cool.
updated movies list.
hopefully i'll get control of my life tomorrow.
haven't been writing much lately.
life has just been coasting along
just had deja vu, seriously, that's weird.
think i decided on my movies for the paper on monday.
of mid-engine cars. this is a crazy machine, just look at the pictures.
going to get working on the car soon enough.
went to the bank and asked about traveler's checks and she said that they
charge "1.5 percent per hundred dollars." i thought about informing her
that that was redundant, but decided against it. a funny moment in the
work wasn't too bad.
rap is good.
sleep last night didn't go so well.
i'm very thirsty.
got one compliment for my shirt today and had one black woman staring at
me. her being black is relevant because, well i'll just fetch the shirt
design right quick...
heard a vicious rumor that chris cornell might replace zack de la rocha
for ratm, hmmm.
was trying to make an argument against the tate ruling in flordia (he's
the 14 year old who killed the 6 year old two years ago by wrestling with
her). apparently the damage was so bad that it couldn't have been a complete
accident, but he's also mentally deficient and there might be some question
as to whether he could separate the truth of wrestling from the wwf. well
florida gave him 99 years in prison so i guess he'll have time to think
about it. kris from work was really happy to hear the results of the trial.
i tried to make an argument that maybe 99 years was a bit excessive, but
she wouldn't have any of that. in fact the only time she didn't actively
disagree with me was when i shifted gears and said rather exhaustedly "i
think anyone who fucks up should be killed anyway." i guess she didn't
have a problem with that.
stanford gets beat. hell yea.
accepting the things you can't change is one of the hardest things for
the lecture "beyond the big bang" was mostly a look at the origin of the
universe from a "strictly objective scientific" standpoint. by claiming
that he was being scientific, rational, logical, and objective he turned
me off right away. a year ago it might have been an interesting argument,
but i've grown weary of objectivity and logic since then. i just don't
buy into them. they're interesting for thought experiments, but to me not
very good when looking for a metaphysical answer to life or to the origin
thereof. logic has it's place, and metaphysics isn't one of them.
to me the smartest people admit that they don't know things and they don't
take stances (or maybe take all stances) on issues. maybe either believing
in nothing or believing in everything is the best course. if you believe
in nothing, or believe in everything then your world will never come crashing
down, you and your beliefs are fluid and ever-changing. this doesn't make
you fickle or capricious, rather it makes you well rounded. liking all
music makes you cultured or worldly, it earns respect because it shows
diversity, why can't this apply to ideologies? well because ideologies
are yes and no statements - should abortion be allowed - yes or no, black
and white. at least that's the way we are trained to think. is there a
god? i don't know. should abortion be allowed? i don't know. when i brought
this up with jon he used a quote from four rooms which essentially says
one who makes fewer declarative statements will be less likely to look
like a fool later on. something to that effect.
i think people should be more willing to give the answer "i don't know"
- despite what you've been told by socrates, et al ("virtue is knowledge")
it is okay not to know things. this obviously doesn't apply to all life,
but i think that you're all smart enough to figure out when it does or
does not apply. one thing that has impressed me about my dad is that he
is always able to take the opposing side with equal fervor as the other.
he's a good devil's advocate. one thing that has impressed me about dungey
is that he isn't afraid to say that he struggles with ideological questions,
he admits that he doesn't know where he stands on some issues. i think
if one is cut and dry on everything they believe then either a) they know
all the answers to the world or b) they haven't thought about the issues
thoroughly enough. there are, obviously, some issues which you will answer
quite readily, others will take some time not, and yet more will never
present themselves as answerable throughout your life. the boring person
is the person who is fixed in their beliefs. though it may be fun to argue
with them at first you will soon find that there is no point. on the other
end of the spectrum there are people like doc who stand in the middle on
everything - those are the people that get boring even more quickly.
so the tax cut proposal rolled through the house. then there's the republican
measure which defeats the clinton backed ergonomic standards in the work
place which looks like it's going to be passed. we are actually taking
away workers' rights, that's really amazing to me. the country is fucked.
what's more amazing is that the republicans see it as helping business
rather than hurting workers. it's funny because just the other day i was
reading what nader had to say about tort reform (or what he referred to
as tort deform in the hands of the likes of bush).
bush on how to prevent school shootings: "we need to teach our children
right from wrong." that's about the only thing that i've agreed with bush
on since i heard of the silly bastard. there is a difference between ideology
and implementation though, and that is what i fear.
to tell people that the reason they shouldn't do things is because god
isn't going to let you into heaven or because it's not right according
to this set of rules which has been ordained from above doesn't seem to
be the best way. it's just like having laws - if the only reason you don't
commit crimes is because they're against the law then that's pretty sad
and rather fleeting actually. because as soon as you know, or think, you
can get away with it then you're scot free. so if the cop isn't looking
over your shoulder then you can do it and if you don't believe in god then
you're clear on that account as well. then there isn't anything holding
you back. if the answer came from within, if you had your own conceptions
of right and wrong then you're bound to those by yourself and that's more
effective than rules from the outside or from above. the trick is ensuring
that everyone has the same inner conceptions of right and wrong - this
seems impossible without mass indoctrination. that's the hard part.
nietzsche thinks that mass indoctrination and domestication of what is
right and wrong is the great injustice of history. but what is practical
is indeed a mass indoctrination - religious, moral, political, educational,
etc. - by any means get people to think that the same things are good or
bad. without that cohabitation is impossible. the police can't be everywhere,
the law isn't omnipotent or omnipresent. if society is able to make each
person their own self-policing unit then society benefits, but true freedom
is constricted, perhaps lost. that's the old dilemma of politics, and thus,
cohabitation in general. i don't know what the answer is, but i don't think
it's faith based programs funded by the government or mass indoctrination
which includes learning that women comprise original temptation/sin, we're
all sinners, sinning is bad and you should feel guilty and bad about yourself,
heaven is waiting, but only for good people, and all the other horrible
things that go along with religions of various sorts. i like that religion
tells you not to kill people, but it pretty much fails me from there on.
i think the bible is probably on of the most socially retarding books of
i'm going to get some sleep soon.
tomorrow i shall make some headway on the car project and hopefully i get
it all squared away before dusk.
not knowing where you're going isn't so bad. we all experience the pain
of not knowing where we're going on some level. for some it's "i don't
know if i'm going to be a doctor or a lawyer when i graduate" or "i don't
know if i'm going to yale or stanford" for others it means a bit more,
but the truth is that not knowing is fine and we should learn to accept
it, and even, like it. how many times have you heard people agonizing over
their not knowing where they're going in life? it's a distressing feeling,
but that's because we've had this thought engrained in our heads that we
need to know where we're going, we have to have goals. having goals is
fine, but not having goals is okay too. having those goals change is also
16 more days and i'll be hanging out with melanie. one of these days i
won't have to count the days anymore.
changed the oil and replaced the generator bolt because it was stripped
pretty bad. tomorrow i'll do the real tune-up stuff. should be sucky. wish
i had a hydraulic jack and some jack stands.
lava soap is very handy.
been thinking about the trip nonstop
i'm lazy when it comes to changing the cds in my cd player. i don't use
the shuffle option very often in fact, hardly ever.
going to the big bang lecture with jon at 7pm, have no idea when that'll
be over. it'll be interesting to see what a theologian has to say about
all that stuff. not that i really care, i think i've given up on knowing
what is beyond me, and i think that's a conclusion that takes a lot of
people a lot longer to reach. there's nothing wrong with not being able
to answer the question "do you believe in a god." i think that a lot of
people feel they have to take one side on that issue. i actually don't
think the existence of a god really matters. if i did believe in a god
(which sometimes i do and sometimes i don't) then i wouldn't think that
it was all powerful or all good or all bad or determined my fate or any
of that crap. so, for all intents and purposes, the existence of a higher
force wouldn't really matter anyway. when i do believe in a god i believe
in it as a force which just is. it's just there and it's neither wholly
good or wholly bad, it doesn't interfere with our lives, it's just a cosmic
body or something.
we'll see what mr. phd from some ivy league has to say about it all. i'll
report back on that.
class tomorrow will be early and that's a shame.
i should have eaten something before changed the oil. i need to take the
oil to a recycling place sometime. having a decent oil change pan is nice.
nine more classes and i'm done for the quarter.
the weather has been nice and i thank the lord above for granting us this
pleasantness. i owe everything to the lord, i am but his tool.
winston churchill once said that democracy is the worst political system
except all the others. he was very right in a lot of ways. remember that
democracy doesn't necessitate capitalism, in fact they are counteractive
in a lot of ways.
track 8 (wet tip hen ax) on "...i care because you do" is the shit.
money is the root of all evil. actually the real quote is "want of money
is the root of all evil." there is a difference.
cell phones aren't the devil, most cell phone users are just insanely retarded.
i'm inclined to say that alcohol is the devil, but i don't want to align
myself with fundamentalist midwestern shack dwellers.
alcohol and small pox did a lot for america and not much of it was good.
gotta jet. 18:45
done for the day, that's a nice feeling.
think i'm going to this "beyond the big bang" lecture by some doctor of
theology. it's sponsored by one of the christian organizations on campus.
i wonder (not really) what would happen if someone tried to have a satanist
organization on campus.
vern saw dungey at work today sadly he missed out on the chance to see
him throw things at students and he didn't do as much ranting and raving
has he sometimes does. nonetheless it was a valuable class.
going to sleep soon.
tomorrow should be easy enough. it'll be hard to wake up for my 130 class
though, i really don't want to go to it, but i should.
i'm poised to get some good grades if i step it up. hopefully i get inspired
in the next two weeks.
i want to get another chemical brothers album sometime soon. i also want
to finish off my orbital collection by picking up snivilizations.
thought i had all the stuff for my tune-up, but i need a spark plug wrench
because the one i have is too small. utter gayness.
talking to dungey was good. talking to michael (sociology TA) was also
good. he's got some graduate student 3-hour oral test on monday wherein
he gets grilled by the faculty about sociological stuff and he's gotta
be able to spit out all sorts of suporting evidence (from a massive list
of articles) and make thoughtful arguments on the fly. sounds "so damn
tough" (to sample the great kurtis blow).
it really is amazing how much kurtis blow has been sampled.
time to make my floor and sleep on it.
it seems that just about everyone will say that a movie based upon fiction
isn't going to be as good as the book. i wonder why so many people say
that and why some even say that movies shouldn't be made from fiction.
it seems that a lot of people seem to attach a negative label on movies
when they're adopted from books, like they're borrowing from something
that's already been done. they shouldn't even try to make a movie, or something
to that effect. "movies always steal from literature" some people say.
it just seems silly to me to squabble about movies taking ideas from books.
movies don't go to books nearly as often as the other way around because
once the movie has been made the images are already there, to write a book
would be pretty silly. with a book there is so much that is left to the
reader to interpret, and this is one of the things that is good, but limiting,
about literature. with movies there is less room for interpretation because
the images are there, the music, the framing, the mise en scene, the makeup,
the costumes, the set, etc. but anyone who has seen enough movies with
friends knows they're plenty open for interpretation too. what i'm saying
is this - movies are fucking great and i like them more than fiction books.
you may like fiction books more than movies - great i'll give you a plaque
the next time i see you, but don't knock movies as ripping off books or
claiming them to be a lower art form or anything like that because then
i'm going to have to shove that plaque up your pompous ass.
by the way, i'm not thinking of anyone in particular or a certain incident,
i'm just thinking.
the fat boys are back, and you know they'll never be wack.
i guess what i breaks down to is this - i don't like it when people claim
"a" is better than "b." whether "a" is white people "b" b is black people
or "a" is books and "b" is movies or "a" is high art and "b" is pop art.
saw steven, this guy i used to work with, while i was at work today. that
was pretty cool since i haven't seen him in a long time. he's getting married
sometime this year. i doubt i'll get invited, but it's still weird to have
a friend getting married. he's 26 or 27 so it's not that weird i guess.
i wonder who's wedding i'll be invited to first. that is to say, i wonder
who, of my friends, will get married first.
got a good amount of stuff done today, felt productive enough.
the whole school shooting shit is getting more and more out of hand these
days...i heard of three more in the last day or two. one of them was a
14 year old girl shooting a 13 year old girl in her catholic school. if
it had to happen i'm glad it happened in a catholic school - maybe it'll
open more eyes. this i not only happening with lower class teenagers, it's
not just a problem in the ghetto anymore (that lost its marketing appeal
in the late 80s). it happens to girls and boys, pagans and catholics. hopefully
it'll wake people up a little more. dubious.
what makes all this even more sad about it is the need to blame. do we
blame video games, the internet, marilyn manson, the government, the guy
who saw the warning signs, but didn't do anything about it...who do we
blame? in this world someone is always to blame, there is always a cure,
there is always a way it could have been prevented. wrong, wrong and wrong.
there are ways it can be prevented, but it can never be stopped completely.
there isn't always someone to blame, and it's almost never music, video
games, or one person. there isn't always a cure in life, people need to
realize that, too.
the thing that makes nietzsche dangerous is that he was smarter than most
other philosophers, he questioned just about everything, and he's not to
be spliced and diced for your own purposes - that is, he can be dangerous
if you don't understand him (which is hard to do in the first place) and
if you only know a little bit about him or his philosophy. nietzsche wasn't
work in 20 minutes.
got a lot done today, saw dungey and my sociology ta.
7th day of march is here and that is good news.
time passing is always a good sign.
one of these days i'll die and that'll suck.
please make sure to grind me up and use me as compost, anything else would
most likely be a waste.
please laugh a lot when i die, anything else would be no fun.
read part of the republic today. the thing about socrates is he really
shows you that the more you think the more you realize that you know so
little. strange because plato was all about making things known and definite.
creating some rules and universal truth through the application of rational
thought. really makes people like ayn rand seem elementary. and, thus,
people like me not worth while.
good thing plato was wrong.
i haven't talked to luke in a while. he needs to update his webpage once
in a while.
luke's interviews were always funny.
orbital is good, about as good as anything else i know.
melanie's better than orbital.
the movie tonight was good in a sense, but maybe i'm becoming too much
of a hard ass in my old age to enjoy stuff like that.
i ustacould (used to be able to) laugh at horrible things.
i don't know what my stance is on being able to laugh at certain things.
"they" say that nothing tells you more about a person than what they laugh
at. maybe "they" are right.
i don't think
anything is always right
or always wrong.
not even republicans or fundamentalists are wholly bad or wrong. the only
exception to that rule might be mormons.
maybe i'll hit up salt lake city on the trip.
if i get a cd player that plays cd-rs with mp3 files on them then i could
have all my mp3s on just 3-4 cds. that would be very nice, though more
expensive than if i were to burn all the songs onto audio cds.
cleaned my keyboard the other night. i was bored.
fans of the band "tool" seem to be more intelligent than other music fans
i've come across.
a week from tomorrow will be the last day of class. a week from then i'll
be driving home.
i should work on the bug on sunday. the parts should be here by then.
none of my family has seen the bug, except melanie.
got my first cd in two months today - in the mail. rem - up. bs2000 is
i'm not saying much worth reading.
the fact that i even thought that goes to show you how much of a journal
this is. at this point i'm obviously aware that i have an audience and
that will make anything i write....you finish the sentence.
need to clean my room because it's a mess.
one paper due monday, one next thursday, one the wednesday after that.
total of about 20 pages. that's pretty much cake. i remember the good old
days when writing papers was an event worthy of a safeway trip. that was
when i did drugs (read: mountain dew). then i passed out in the shower
and decided against doing that ever again.
the kings won and that is good. when the kings win, we all win.
i like providing balance. i learned that from my dad, for better or worse.
i'm worried about becoming a dad and then sucking at it. if the first ever
happens then the second may or may not happen. worry about it then.
the metro will be my ashram during this summer's hegira.
it's amazing how much one's brain can atrophy when not used fully. it's
amazing what one forgets when one doesn't practice remembering.
i need to remember to eat and sleep more.
i need to forget a lot more.
there are things i'd like to remember such as names, facts, figures, but
those don't matter so much as the things i'd like to forget.
you want to go out friday
and you want to go forever.
you know that it sounds childish
that you've dreamt of alligators.
you hope that we are with you
and you hope you're recognized
you want to go forever
you see it in my eyes.
I'm lost in the confusion
and it doesn't seem to matter
you really can't believe it
and you hope it's getting better
you want to trust the doctors
their procedure is the best
but the last try was a failure
and the intern was a mess.
and they did the same to Matthew
and he bled 'til sunday night
they're saying don't be frightened
but you're weakened by the sight of it
you lock into a pattern
and you know that it's the last ditch
you're trying to see through it
and it doesn't make sense
but they're saying don't be frightened
and they're killing alligators
and they're hog-tied
and accepting of the struggle
you want to trust religion
and you know it's allegory
but the people who are followers
have written their own story.
so you look up to the heavens
and you hope that it's a spaceship
and it's something from your childhood
you're thinking don't be frightened
you want to climb the ladder
you want to see forever
you want to go out friday
and you want to go forever.
and you want to cross your dna
to cross your dna with something reptile.
and you're questioning the sciences
and questioning religion
you're looking like an idiot
and you no longer care.
and you want bridge the schism,
a built-in mechanism to protect you.
and you're looking for salvation
and you're looking for deliverance
you're looking for deliverance
you're looking like an idiot
and you no longer care.
you want to climb the ladder
you want to see forever.
you want to go out friday
you want to go forever.
updated movies list.
being through with monday and tuesday is always a relief.
i was reading something by tolstoy today in which he was talking about
the whole idea that art can only be enjoyed by the few with knowledge enough
to appreciate it. basically he said that that was a bunch of bullshit and
that pompous assholes who claim that should suck an egg, or something.
thank you tolstoy for being famous and credulous enough make people believe
you more than they believe me.
there's something about quotes which can have a devastating impact on debates.
if you say "well einstein said such and such" then that's a plus for your
the fact is that you and i have both said thinks equally as brilliant as
an einstein or a nietzsche or a tolstoy, but we're not as smart as them,
not as known, probably haven't said as many brilliant things as them, and
probably don't put it as cleverly as they usually do. i'm tempted to jump
to the conclusion that quotes are for the weak, but really they're just
for the ineloquent - like me. and the sad truth is that if i say something
and then back it up with a similar quote from a notable personality then
you are more likely to take it to heart.
"And the angel of the lord came unto me, snatching me up from my place
of slumber. And took me on high, and higher still until we moved to the
spaces betwixt the air itself. And he brought me into a vast farmlands
of our own midwest. And as we descended, cries of impending doom rose from
the soil. One thousand, nay a million voices full of fear. And terror possessed
me then. And I begged, "Angel of the Lord, what are these tortured screams?"
And the angel said unto me, "These are the cries of the carrots, the cries
of the carrots! You see, Reverend Maynard, tomorrow is harvest day and
to them it is the holocaust." And I sprang from my slumber drenched in
sweat like the tears of one million terrified brothers and roared, "Hear
me now, I have seen the light! They have a consciousness, they have a life,
they have a soul! Damn you! Let the rabbits wear glasses! Save our brothers!"
Can I get an amen? Can I get a hallelujah? Thank you Jesus. Life feeds
on life feeds on life feeds on life feeds on........"
"ice cream is heaven in a creamy frozen food form" - thoreau
actually i just made that up, but you believed it more coming from thoreau,
we're all guilty of this, but i have to bring it up anyway....say i take
a ed norton painting and give it to an art student and say "hey check out
this painting i made. what do you think of it?" i think that if the art
student knew my background as a non-artist that 9 out of 10 times he'd
say it has promise, but isn't anything great. but you sign it "ed norton"
and tell him that it's an ed norton painting and all of a sudden he finds
a billion things he loves about it. i think that applies to most art. i
know that if i hear a song and know it's britney spears i'm going to be
biased, just as i'm going to be tendentious if it's a led zeppelin b-side
i've never heard. it's all a matter of degree i suppose. it's also just
a sad fact of life - people are biased. i'd like to think that if i wrote
a short story as good as raymond carver that it would be recognized and
lauded as highly as his stories are, but that's not the case. maybe it
would be in a perfect world.
maybe i'm being silly, maybe objectivity is overrated.
i think it would be a cool experiment to take a short story written by
raymond carver and a short story written by graduate student jane blow
and submit them to a few professors to see what they thought. only, with
one set of profs you give the stories with the names of the authors and
the other set of profs don't have names on the story at all (or better
yet, switch the names of the authors). you catch my meaning?
"It was daylight when you woke up in your ditch. You looked up at your
sky then. That made blue be your color. You had your knife there with you
too. When you stood up there was goo all over your clothes. Your hands
were sticky. You wiped them on your grass, so now your color was green.
Oh Lord, why did everything always have to keep changing like this. You
were already getting nervous again. Your head hurt and it rang when you
stood up. Your head was almost empty. It always hurt you when you woke
up like this. You crawled up out of your ditch onto your gravel road and
began to walk, waiting for the rest of your mind to come back to you. You
can see the car parked far down the road and you walked toward it. "If
God is our Father," you thought, "then Satan must be our cousin." Why didn't
anyone else understand these important things? You got to your car and
tried all the doors. They were locked. It was a red car and it was new.
There was an expensive leather camera case laying on the seat. Out across
your field, you could see two tiny people walking by your woods. You began
to walk towards them. Now red was your color and, of course, those little
people out there were yours too."
it would be cool if i bought a car while i was in la.
"there's no reason a man and another man can't elope" - eminem
it's funny what things are filed under free
speech and what things aren't.
dr. andrew weil is a piece of shit.
there is a difference between being critical and being cynical.
updated movies list.
i want ice cream. in fact everytime i finish a meal it feels incomplete
without ice cream. it's really hard to not go to safeway right now and
it kinda sucks to miss all the madness of march. i guess i'll be able to
see some of it later when it starts being televised nationally.
"Beliefs are dangerous. Beliefs allow the mind to stop functioning. A non-functioning
mind is clinically dead. Believe in nothing..."
i think i've misunderstood einstein saying "everything is relative"...i
used to take it as everything is relative to others, but i think it is
better to think of it as everything is relative to how you perceive things
- meaning that there is no absolute. in the first case if everything is
relative then the things i pride myself for (being able to overcome struggle,
thinking, being good in the sack, whatever) are all going to seem less
weighty or important because relative to others i haven't had as much struggle,
i haven't thought about as much stuff, as deeply, as others. so relative
to others i'm not that cool after all. but in the latter sense of the saying
it just takes on the meaning that things are relative to my own view of
the world. in that sense "everything is relative" is a post modern statement.
i think that if i were to employ the other interpretation of the saying
then i'd be just screwing myself over because any success i have could
be seen as, relatively speaking, inconsequential. basically it's better
to look at it as saying "there is no absolute" as opposed to "the worth
of anything you do is gauged relative to others."
got a haircut tonight.
i'm going to sleep soon.
since no one else would put this kind of shit up on their website i'll
do it and try to make it a little more balanced; this is not to say that
i have the sentiments of its author, but it's a different take so i wanted
to post it:
"He had alot to say.
He had alot of nothing to say.
We'll miss him.
We wish you well.
You told us how you weren't afraid to die.
Well then, so long.
Or feel too down.
Not all martyrs see divinity.
But at least you tried.
Standing above the crowd,
He had a voice that was strong and loud.
We'll miss him.
Ranting and pointing his finger
At everything but his heart.
We'll miss him.
No way to recall
What it was that you had said to me,
Like I care at all.
You sure could yell.
You took a stand on every little thing
And so loud.
Standing above the crowd,
He had a voice so strong and loud and I
Swallowed his facade cuz I'm so
Eager to identify with
Someone above the ground,
Someone who seemed to feel the same,
Someone prepared to lead the way, with
Someone who would die for me.
Will you? Will you now?
Would you die for me?
Don't you fuckin lie.
Don't you step out of line.
Don't you fuckin lie.
You've claimed all this time that you would die for me.
Why then are you so surprised to hear your own eulogy?
You had alot to say.
You had alot of nothing to say.
Get off your fuckin cross.
We need the fuckin space to nail the next fool martyr.
To ascend you must die.
You must be crucified
For your sins and your lies. [sic]
watched the last few minutes of an xfl game and was pretty impressed. orlando
had the ball with under 2 minutes in their own zone protecting a 2 point
lead so they were running down the clock, but the other team had 1 timeout
and it was 3rd down. so unless orlando got the first down, which was 5
yards away, they were going to have to punt it and give the other team
a chance to come within field goal range and win the game. rather than
running a counter or a comparable running play they ran a bootleg and had
the qb run it for the first down. you'd never see that in the nfl. some
of the camera shots are good and all the mics are nice, but then they start
talking about the cheerleaders and it takes a turn for the worse.
i haven't done shit all day.
going to get haircut from vern tonight.
i should watch a movie.
i should study for class or something.
i remember being about 15 and deciding that the only way i was going to
solve my problems was to be completely rational from there on. if i ever
had a question about what to do i would choose the most rational path.
if i wanted to know what love was i would look it up in the dictionary
and adopt that as my definition. the dictionary was going to be my bible.
besides the fact that the bible is more well written and has better stories,
they seemed to provide the same thing - a guide to living. it seemed a
very easy and not so bad way of living my life. i discovered later that
being completely rational was pretty hard and that the dictionary wasn't
any better a guide to life than the bible so i trashed the idea.
i called a few metro owners tonight and got at least one, and maybe 4 good
leads. a 96 with 53k on it for 2300, but i forgot to ask if it had a/c.
a 97 with 37k on it without a/c for 3700 - pricey, but basically a new
car. 500 extra to get a/c put on later. a 95 with 85k and a/c for 3200.
and a 97 4 cylinder, a/c and 75k on it for 3500. all of them have a manual
transmissions and are in southern california. then i found a 94 with 75k
on it, with a/c, automatic transmission, one owner for only 1500. i'll
likely not be able to buy any of them since i foresee them all being snatched
up by the time i get down to la in three weeks. the first 1996 looks like
the best one, but i forgot to ask about a/c and at that price it's going
to be gone soon.
nihilism (the mentality that comes with post-modern thought) is just like
democratic participation...you realize that the matter at hand (either
life, in the case of nihilism, or voting, in the case of democratic participation)
doesn't matter. that is, when you realize that all life is a matter of
opinion and that there is no real truth behind our actions, then you come
to the conclusion that one action is not preferable to the next because
there is no real truth or universal morality guiding your actions. this
knowledge can be extremely liberating or extremely depressing and lead
to complete inaction. i don't know if i'm making sense unless you have
some background on this stuff...let me try to explain it in terms of my
experience. my whole life i'm told that there is a metaphysical truth,
that there is a "chris" that i am supposed to try to discover. then one
day (or over the course of months) i realize all i think is a compilation
of my perception and that is subject to my experience..."Opinion we may
have, but certainty and knowledge are impossible." so finally knowing the
one truth (that there is no TRUTH) led me to feel extremely sad, depressed,
etc. my world was turned upside down...all that which i have done has been
for naught. everything i will do in the future will be for naught. since
there is no heaven or hell, no right or wrong, outside of me then what
am i aiming for? why should i continue to live? that's one possible reaction,
the other is the kind that the existentialists have - since there is no
right or wrong, no heaven or hell, i can create my own right and wrong,
my own world, my own morals, my own bounds - how liberating! if we embrace
the former view we are screwed. if we embrace the latter then we are as
close to free as we can ever become.
this applies to voting like this - one of these days you'll discover (if
you haven't already) that your single vote doesn't matter. despite what
they say about the florida example or the kennedy/nixon elections, one
vote didn't matter. with this knowledge you can say "well my vote doesn't
matter so i'm not going to vote." or you can affirm your role as a participant
and say "well my vote doesn't matter so i'm not going to be bound to thinking
that my vote for nader is going to put bush in office. i'm going to vote
the way i want to vote." i suggest you do that both with life and with
voting. live life as a "yes" statement. the facts are that death is coming,
change is eminent, you'll never know anything for sure, and that the only
control you have are of your actions.
you see, the thought that so many people had that "my voting for nader
is going to send bush to the presidency" parallels the same feeling that
we have about life - we can't do x because y is holding us back and so,
despite our wanting to do x, we end up doing z. unlike marx or weber or
many other social theorists, i've become less and less interested with
the origins of y - that which holds us back. it may come from above, it
make come from the bourgeoisie (marx), it may come from an amalgamation
of ideologies from the rich and the poor (hegemony), it may come from white
people, it may come from males, i don't care about that very much because
all it does is place blame and placing blame hasn't gotten much done throughout
history. what matter is that we are oppressed by our views and conceptions
of life, we are supposed to view life as being lived a certain way, there
are certain goals, aspirations, methods, correct and incorrect means to
an immutable end (whether that end be having the most toys at the end of
life or being the most like jesus - both our previously prescribed ways
to live your life and both constrain you to someone else's blueprint of
life). we need to shed both the means and the ends and create new ones
ourselves. and perhaps the most empowering way of doing this is in the
knowledge that nothing we do really means anything in the final sense anyway.
that is, in having a nihilistic outlook perhaps we will be most able to
become what it is we seek for ourselves.
"the only thing we have to fear is fear itself" - FDR
"fear is your only god" - zach de la rocha
"free yourself from yourself" - maynard james keenan
"i can't admit that maybe the past was bad. and so, for the sake of momentum,
i'm codemning the future to death so it can match the past" - aimee mann
not to completely kill an antiquated analogy (both plato and nietzsche,
and i'm sure others, have used it), but i feel like i've been in a cave
for the last 9 months of my life (i think ever since i finished reading
malcolm x). i've been gathering my thoughts and studying how others have
thought about the same things i've been thinking of, and it feels like
i've been storing up all this thought and information for living the rest
of my life. and to extend the analogy plato uses in the republic...i even
feel like i've been spending this time in my "cave" with the even goal
of getting out and bringing light back to those in the cave. though i don't
mean light in the platonic "there is a Truth" kind of way. i mean it in
a less profound less absolute way. i mean it in a "here's my experience
and thoughts on life" kind of way.
people don't read this page on sundays so why update it on sundays?
"for the most part he (man, meaning all humanity) is thus characterized
by what heidegger calls fallenness and exists inauthenitcally as "they"
do, "they" being the generality of ordinary mankind. in this mode of being,
man is dominated by what heidegger calls the "they-self," which accepts
the worlds as given and never seriously questions the prevailing order
of things. according to heidegger, the question of Being arises for humans
only when this everyday existence is called into question by an authentic
confrontation with death..."
"life is generally understood in terms of the possiblities available within
a particular world or order of beings. these possibilites seem to the they-self
to be given and immutable...."
so i was going to try and sleep early, but that never works out.
i don't like where this world has been going since it began, i'll leave
it at that.
at this point it's not even about the money, once i find the metro i want
i'm going to buy it. as it happens the metro i want is probably going to
be within my budget so that works out well.
President George W. Bush addresses the National Conference of State
Legislatures at the White House, March 2, 2001. The president talked about
the need for Congress to recognize Chris Miller's girth. (Larry Downing/Reuters)
sleeping on the floor is still cool.
maybe tomorrow i'll do something with my life. wish i could just work for
12 hours tomorrow, that would be productive and legitimately tiring.
i miss melanie.
i really haven't had the desire to rent movies lately. i want to go out
and watch some films on the big screen, there's even one playing at campus
cinema for $3 i'd like to watch, but i just don't have any cash. i usually
don't like going to movies by myself.
i don't eat candy or drink soda anymore.
am i denying myself of too many things?
it's not fair that some people seemingly have complete control of their
moods. prozac really is the way to go. actually, wellbutran would probably
be better because then my sex drive wouldn't suffer. well i take it back,
prozac would be the best way to go.
it always sucks to have a lot of something that isn't doing you any good.
whether it be love, ideas, sex drive, hair, etc.
i'm definitely going to sleep early tonight.
tomorrow will be the third day of march and that is good.
maybe i'll get to watch the duke/unc game on sunday. probably not.
i should call some metro owners tomorrow, even if they are in la.
i shouldn't spend any money for a while.
when is chris webber coming back? uncle pete has been carrying the kings.
it's too bad i haven't seen any of their games this year.
i really want to play basketball. come spring quarter i hope to have tuesday
nights off so i can play with the kdvs crew. kurtis blow has a good song
this is mindless dribble. double entendre=good.
when 10% of a nation's people own 90% of the wealth there is a problem.
when they pay 60% of the taxes there is more of a problem.
if anyone honestly believes the hype that we're going to erase the debt
anytime in the next 20 years then i'd like to make a wager with you - i'm
willing to bet my left nut against any car you own that the national debt
isn't going to go under $3 trillion anytime in the next 20 years.
fridays are boring.
i literally have no friends to hang out with on fridays.
i really should just go to sleep.
all sorts of upsets are happening in the nba tonight.
i wonder what dungey does at night. i bet he's a lonely guy.
i wish there was some basketball on tv. the network tv selection sucks
computerized clothes are in development...it's actually part of a move
towards making computer hardware that is flexible and durable, unlike silicon.
so they're looking into imprinting information on plastics and fabrics,
apparently they're pretty far along. they've even got it to the point where
they can make computer chips on a piece of thin plastic by printing the
information from a regular inkjet printer. i'm not really sure how it works,
but what it means is that you can eventually make computer chips at home,
though they will be far slower than the current pentium chips. what's cool
is you could have a computer on your t-shirt which could monitor your heart
rate, temperature, all sorts of things. it could eventually even have much
of the same properties as a palm pilot, but woven into the fabric of your
jacket or shirt...what's even more cool is that they're also working on
a system that gains power from flexing, so every time you move your body
and flex your clothes some power is gained. they've used computerized shirts
in tests with the military so that when someone is shot it will tell the
medic (by lighting up the area) where the soldier was shot.
there is already a disposable cell phone which has been developed, that's
about as wasteful as disposable cameras.
it's raining now, glad it waited to rain until i got home.
did all my graduation business today, that was good to get out of the way.
my one class today was pretty cool. discussing things is good, but i usually
don't pipe up. today i did.
i really need a haircut.
i'm pretty tired, i shouldn't stay up so late.
work was slow tonight.
some woman outside of the library was lost so i gave her directions, but
she didn't understand so i walked her to where she was going. we talked
tomorrow i wake up early and bike through the rain. it rained tonight,
but it started late so i'm thinking it'll still be raining in the morning.
my girlfriend is the swellest.
found some good leads for metros on recylcer.com. most of them are down
in the la area though so i wouldn't be able to check em out until spring
i watched some entertainment tonight type show before i went to class and
learned off all sorts of juicy gossip. freddie prinze and smg are going
out and are in a scooby doo movie. found out stuff about temptation island
and survivor....everything i needed to socialize during the day. it came
in handy, sadly.
had top ramen for dinner, that was pretty good. not sure why they call
it chicken though. maybe it had some chicken bouillon powder in the packet.
i should go to sleep soon.
updated movies list.
my movie goal is basically not going to happen.
not much to say.
i'm really bored, but not tired. i want to eat or do something. i'm lonely
spending money is usually a good night cap.
got the nietzsche midterm back and it told me what i already knew.
work from 8-11 tonight. blah.
direct deposit is working now so i don't have to deposit checks the old
fashioned way anymore. the real reason i decided to finally get it was
because the checks are always on a two week lag and i don't want to wait
around after school to get my last paycheck. and since i'll be on the road
i won't be able to get the check mailed any place where i'll have access
to the money - this way it's all automatic.
called some more metro ads, where are people? do people actually have lives?
try again later i suppose.
think i'm going to do the tune-up on the bug later and just make it a big
time tune-up...i'll replace the points, condenser, distributor cap, plugs,
set the timing, adjust the valves, blah blah blah. i'll put in that order
i was tempted to skip class today, but i didn't. i'm doing worst in my
sociology of deviance class. i'll have to do well on the paper.
found a 1996 metro, automatic transmission (blah), a/c, new timing belt,
newer tires, 81K miles, for under 3000. if it was a manual i'd buy it from
updated archives, go there for
i wish santana hadn't gone so pop.
so today was ash wednesday and people walked around with crosses on their
foreheads. i guess it doesn't do any harm.
i hear that tristan (ex friend) has become a christian. that's pretty laughable
considering his former stance on organized religion. guess i ditched him
at the right time.
if i started believing in a christian god and followed the word of the
bible and believed that i'm a sinner and that jesus died for me then maybe
i'd live a better life. a) i'm a sinner so i've gotta do something to not
be such a bad person. b) god's son died for me so i really should be thankful.
c) god loves me no matter what so why can't i just do what he says? d)
heaven is cooler than anyone can imagine and all i have to do to get there
is be god's bitch, er humble servant. e) my master loves me and i should
be thankful. that sounds a lot like something they said to african-american
slaves. but with god it's different, with god it's divine - just like a
king's right to rule. hmmm. let's get back on track here - god is my creator
and that is what is important. i'm in debt to him for eternity. i like
debt because it doesn't weigh me down. i like knowing that i'm a sinner
and feeling guilty for wanting to have pre-marital sex because those things
make me a more fulfilled person. in fact, i can say that i'm almost self-actualized
BECAUSE of the lord almighty, my creator and master.
thank you god for making this webpage possible.
it seems as though some people who read my webpage don't really read it,
they just scan it from boredom. the hard thing about my webpage is that
i could be talking about getting a haircut or fixing up the bug in one
sentence and then talking about some hardcore philosophy shit then next.
then i could be taking on some alter ego where i play the part of a brainwashed
christian. it's gotta be hard for the reader to pick up on all the tone
shifts and subject changes. maybe some people see a long bullet mark coming
up and just skip it because they don't want to read my treatise on religion,
philosophy, life, drunken binges, society, etc. i hope you're not one of
feedback is good even when it's
bad. one thing about my mom is that she's always telling me what's up,
that's a good thing. my grandmother comments on important webpage topics
and that's fun as well.
it's coming up on 3am. i've got class at 130.
i should pick up my paycheck tomorrow.
work from 8-11 tomorrow. spring break is going to hurt financially.
hurt=not having money? where did society come up with this shit and why
am i perpetuating it?
i like the violent femmes, bring back memories of ymca camp in my early
teen years. life was more simple then.
kind of cool site. i just
checked out the "talk to a company" feature...i wrote to nike and told
them that they should hire different foreign workers because the ones they're
exploiting now are overpaid and not doing a good job.
this update is longer than i had expected.
i'm hungry, but i'm going to sleep instead of eating.
it's march and i'm happy about that. february seemed pretty long.
looked over my transcript today and thought about getting depressed, but
talked with co-workers about nietzsche today.
yesterday i realized that becoming a teacher is going to be harder than
i've been thinking.
had a friend who was on the track team and a big time swimmer. he told
me that when you prepare for a race you've got to forget everything in
your past - all your great victories and all your losses. the only thing
that matters is what is in front of you. i think there is some truth to
live by the gun, die by the gun.
if you buy into grades mattering when you get As, then you need to buy
into them when you get Ds too.
of course all that is far easier said than done.
i wish that i knew what i know now when i was younger.
it'll rain on friday and sunday. i might not go check out that metro in
walnut creek. if it doesn't rain on friday then i might still work on the
if anyone knows of a good search engine for autos classifieds then
tell me. i know of yahoo, autotrader.com, cars.com, and that's it.