3-23-01 (00:00)
  • went to rubio's for dinner tonight. after i walked in a looked up at the menu and the manager and register worker were both standing there waiting for me to decide what i was going to order. the manager guy looked at my shirt and said "cool shirt man." i told him how much shit that shirt had gotten me in today and he thought is was lame.
  • tomorrow is bound to be better than today.
  • it's amazing how many people are controlled by their desire to have control.

  • 3-22-01 (22:06)

  • the truth of the matter is that you are the only person you can depend on. you've got to be your own best friend because no one else is going to do for you what you can do for yourself.
  • today has been shitty from the moment i woke up.
  • before the ucla game i was on the happy side, but they lost and then i started to come to grips with the fact that i'm completely broke and i'm planning a trip for the summer which requires a large bankroll. i also realized that this world is mostly filled with truly retarded people.
  • i should goto work tomorrow. just called and discovered that they don't need anyone tomorrow.

  • 3-22-01 (21:07)

  • "Beliefs are dangerous. Beliefs allow the mind to stop functioning. A non-functioning mind is clinically dead. Believe in nothing..."
  • ucla lost, my day can't get much worse.
  • fuck cbs for not even allowing me to watch the game.
  • i've got absolutely nothing to do and it's pretty depressing.

  • 3-22-01 (15:37)

  • got about 9 miles from home and then the car stopped. ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.
  • aaa tow truck came by and towed it to this place in davis - didn't know there was a vw place in davis. then i got a ride from them to the amtrak station. i've got me two huge bags with me this whole time. i'm wearing my "let the fucking begin" t-shirt.
  • i walk into amtrak and ask for a ticket to los angeles - the gay says that then next one leaves at 5:35pm and won't get to la until 2:30am. i ask him a few questions about other possible routes via bus, train, going through sacramento first, etc. - anything to get me there are a bit faster. he says - "you've got the schedule right there" (he has previously handed it to me, but it's written in greek). then he says "as a side note you may want to cover up your shirt because the conductor might not like it." to hear this was unpleasant. i more or less ignored him and asked him another question about the schedule. he said again that i'd have to change my shirt so i picked up my bags and started to leave. he called at me and asked if i wanted to keep the reservation or not. i ignored him and went to a pay phone. he told me that i couldn't use that phone unless i had a calling card. then he asked if i wanted to keep the reservation. i said no. he asked me to speak up and i repeated "no, thanks." then i left and got some change at subway sandwiches. went to the phone outside and it didn't work. so i sat around for a bit and decided to give the asshole another chance. luckily for me someone else was working there. i asked for a ticket and he proceded to hook that up. then the other guy comes back in a says "i'm not going to let you buy a ticket unless you cover up that shirt." i asked why and he replied "because it's offensive...this is a family business and that shirt is offensive." "to whom is it offensive" i asked. "to me, my wife and my children" he replied. to which he added "just like if someone with body odor were to come in and try to purchase a ticket - we wouldn't let them because it's offensive. it's our policy." i really thought about breaking his face, but elected not to. then he asked me "would you want to sit next to someone with body odor?" i said that i wouldn't mind because i'm a tolerant person and that i remember that the other person is a human, just like me. i don't think this made sense to him. at this point he said that i had two choices - i could remove the shirt and wear a different one or i could leave. i told him that i was going to buy my ticket and that if any of the passengers had a problem with the shirt then i'd cover it up, but that i wasn't going to cover it up for him. then he pulled the trump card..."i'm going to ask that you leave or i will call the police." i replied "i'd like that." so he called the police and eventually some white guy with a badge came by and we all went outside to sort through this whole mess. he told the officer that i had refused to change my shirt and that i refused to leave. i told the officer that he was discriminating against me just because i was wearing something that he found offensive. i told him that when asked he refused to produce any sort of documentation or formal declaration stating that offensive clothing was not allowed by amtrak. because the other guy was willing to sell me the ticket and because the first guy didn't produce anything stating that their policy was to not allow people with "offensive clothing" to purchase tickets i thought i had a good argument for discrimination by this one individual. basically the cop backed up big business and said that since it was a private institution that they had the right to discriminate. i asked him where they drew the line - race, weight, ugly faces, people with beards, guys with long hair, people with shirts that say "fuck,"...where do they draw that line? the cop didn't have a real answer, but just said that "clearly in this case he's in the right." i replied "i feel like i'm in texas in the 1950s. i can't believe you two are so simple-minded. i mean i'm a political science major and i understand how things work, but i didn't know that it existed like this in davis." ..."calling us names isn't going to get you any where sir." said the cop, to which he added "you may be a political science major, but i've been in the force for 21 years and have had a lot more experience than you. you've obviously not experienced life, because you just need to know where the lines are..." something to that effect. then he added "you've got two choices - you can leave the premises or you can get arrested."..."what happens if you arrest me?" i asked. "i take you to the station and cite you and then you have to appear in court." this didn't sound very exciting to me, i had rather gone to jail and done some real time...going to court on my own volition at a later time just seemed like a stupid formality so it didn't really sound like it was all that special. so i said "well i guess i'll just leave then. you wanna give me a ride?" the cop asked where i lived and i told him and he agreed. so while he was driving me home we talked a bit. i told him about the hitchhiking trip last year and i told him that i didn't understand how someone could be so intolerant and not only that, but actively intolerant. i tried, unsuccessfully, to relay the fact that there is a fundamental difference between not accpeting something about a person and actively trying to change them because of it. i told him that alienating, disenfrancishing, and subjugating people because you didn't agree with them is vastly different from simply disagreeing with them. i told him that i believed that people should be able to express themselves and that people should also be more tolerant of differences, but i also acknowledged that (sadly) that's not how the world is and this experience was testament to that. he said "it's a private business so there's not much i can do..." i said "yea well i guess we see yet another negative consequence of capitalism." implying that if businesses were government run then the so called "right to refuse" service wouldn't be used to discriminate against people. he didn't really get it.
  • so two spring breaks in a row i've been in a cop car.
  • my dad once told me a story about when he was a hippie and had long hair and the bus driver refused to give him a ride because he had long hair. this world hasn't come very far.
  • i was thinking the other night about thus spoke zarathustra - the nietzsche book - and how it nietzsche's life relates a lot to dungey. dungey has been more or less alienated by all his peers because he's a post-modern thinker and in today's society we value science more than post-modern philosophic thought. nietzsche was rejected by his peers and he basically lived alone his whole life, but in thus spoke zarathustra the character of zarathustra is basically just a figure who represents nietzsche. in the book zarathustra leaves the mountains (his cave) and goes back into society and when he tries to interact with the people he finds that none of them suit him...they laugh at him, they don't understand him, they reject his ideas and he's basically forced away. i think that in a lot of ways that must be how dungey feels. and it's definitely how i feel a lot of the time. i write on here all the time how i have only a few friends, how people don't usually understand me, etc. but for the most part i still fit in. i can only imagine how it must have been to be someone like nietzsche, to basically live like a hermit and be viewed as an outcast - like a ted kaczynski type. last night i was really really sad thinking about nietzsche and how bad it must have felt to be so alienated. it really hurts me to think about that. and all this comes from people like the fat guy at amtrak who don't feel secure enough unless everyone is like them.
  • so don't be an asshole to people. disagree with everyone you wish, but don't be an asshole about it. it's a hard thing to do, at least it is for me. i try to be accepting, but i see fundamentalists with their signs predicting the apocalypse and i can't stop thinking about how dumb they are and i just want to tell them that they really have it all wrong. i guess what separates me from the amtrak guy is that i wouldn't actively alienate those people. i wouldn't refuse service to someone at the library just because they have a shirt that says "i love jesus and if you don't then you're going to burn!" i'd pity them, i'd talk about them behind their back, but i wouldn't refuse to service them. and, now that i've had an experience that every black man in the south has had a billion times by the time he's my age, i'm going to be even more acutely aware of alienating people.
  • i'm going to bomb amtrak tomorrow.
  • it's a good thing my car broke down because i had forgotten my razor and shaving cream.
  • i told the cop the churchill quote "capitalism is the worst system in the world, except for all the others." because i had mentioned the limitations of capitalism and then i said that he also said "the arabs are a backward people who eat nothing but camel dung." and said that i guess i don't agree completely with what churchill says because of that. he said "i guess he ran into just the worst of them or something." i thought that was kinda funny.
  • who knows when the car will be fixed and who knows when it'll be done - they're not open on sunday so if it's not done by tomorrow then i'll be here until monday. that would suck. fuck this situation in the anus. that's definitely the first time i've used the word "anus" on my webpage. now i've used it twice in one bullet point.
  • on my way out of davis i saw dungey in his white 80s porsche and waved to him - he waved back. i was thinking about visiting him since i have nothing better to do.
  • this way i get to watch the basketball game, it better be televised or i'm going to break some knee caps.

  • 3-22-01 (00:48)

  • well i know i did well on my sociology of deviance paper because i already talked to the TA about that. the rest of my final performances are up in the air. i don't really know what to expect. i don't think i did that well on the whole, but we shall see. really it shouldn't matter - i should just grade myself based upon what i feel i've learned. nietzsche class - A+, sociology of deviance class - B, film class - B, sociology of the family class - B+...so those are my grades and anything to the contrary is bullshit.
  • going on my hegira tomorrow. i plan to slough all remnants of stress and disorder that have marked this last week. one more quarter to go and i shouldn't worry about that until the day of.
  • i didn't know that paypal paid 4.2% on your balance...that's pretty fucking good.
  • i've got to figure out some way of getting money from my credit card into cash...a lot of it. i don't have those checks that they give you, i think there's a limit on atm cash advances, and if i were to go through paypal and then withdraw the money it would take too long. hmmm. should have worried about this earlier. i'm still going to buy a car while i'm in la.
  • great minds think alike, but this holds doubly true for weak ones.
  • i don't really plan on checking my email more than once while i'm on break so you probably shouldn't bother.
  • heard some great news about bush today - he's making plans to undo more of the environmental legislation that passed in the final clinton days. bush is doing a good job of making me hate him. it seems that every day he's up to something new.
  • i love reading excerpts from his speeches because i can hear him saying it in my mind. his broken speech giving style is so damn funny. i want him to die. not kidding.
  • i really hope that the bug does well on it's 400 mile trip tomorrow.
  • got my evaluation at work today - she said that everything is good, but that i "should smile more" and should ask for work when i'm not busy. guess i'm not as productive as the ideal library worker would be. i get a quarter raise, almost forgot about that part.
  • when melanie is up here i'll watch more movies and that will be good.
  • hopefully the next time i write on this page i'll be the proud owner of a new vehicle - whether it be a ford escort or a geo metro.
  • just had a mean case of deja vu.
  • gotta sleep.

  • 3-21-01 (12:42)

  • printing that sucka out right now. it's pretty scattered and overall not as good as i would have liked, but it'll have to do. writing about nietzsche borders on impossible when you only have 7 pages. i should have made my subject more narrow. such is life.
  • it's actually really sad to read nietzsche and see what he thought of himself, others, and see how people treated him. but we know that the world isn't fair so...
  • gotta get to work now.
  • got some sleep and that was good.
  • i had too many granola bars.

  • 3-21-01 (05:20)

  • have a maximum of two pages left to go. i'll probably just write one more paragraph and then the conclusion.
  • my girlfriend is the shit.
  • i'm not very tired.

  • 3-21-01 (01:10)

  • have an even longer day ahead of me tomorrow (actually later today since i won't be getting any sleep tonight).
  • have to write the nietzsche paper, goto work, study for my film final, take my film final and then be done with the quarter.
  • the next morning i leave for la.
  • sometime before i leave i plan on putting on the last bit of beading on the car and maybe adjusting the valves.
  • called the cops because are manager types were yelling at each other. she kept saying "you don't touch my son..." so i figured it'd be best to put all that to a stop.
  • reading the prologue to thus spoke zarathustra has got to be one of the most academic undertakings of my academic career. it's some dense shit and the more you know, the more it makes sense and the more amazing it becomes. at the same time it's so wrought with symbolism and is quite cryptic at times that it borders on frustrating.
  • looked into teaching type stuff - what i need to do before i start applying, how i go about applying, etc. all this shit costs a lot of money...the cbest set me back 40 bucks, then there are three other tests which cost 70 bucks each, plus a registration fee. then there's a grad. letter service which holds letters of recommendations which i gather from former employers, TAs, professors, mentors, etc. and they store all the letters i get for up to three years and send them out to wherever i apply. kinda nice to have since i'm not going to be in contact with a lot of the people who i plan on getting recommendations from while i'm applying for credential programs or grad schools. of course the convience costs 65 bucks.
  • i'm going to buy a car while i'm in la. thus began chris's down-going.
  • i should get cracking.

  • 3-20-01 (01:31)

  • i thought it would never be the twentieth of march, but here it is. almost the one year anniversary of the hitchhiking trip. what a trip. every time i hear the trains pass in the distance i think of the trip; i really can't hear train whistles the same way ever again.
  • put beading on two more fenders - one to go and that part of the car will be done, finally.
  • lava soap is good and all, but fast orange is even better. it's got that little exfoliating sand type shit (pumice) in it that makes it even more effective for cleaning off the oil and other such grunge. my hands are almost completely clean - except in the recesses where i've been cut and such.
  • think i like colgate more than crest.
  • i just want finals to be done with.
  • long day tomorrow.
  • sleeping on the floor has been good overall, but my back still has problems on occasion. hopefully i spend a lot of time on my back this spring break. or something.
  • my room is a mess and i like it that way for now.
  • www.jdpower.com seems a pretty good site for car information. was able to find out what kind of tires i'd need for a metro there. then i shot over go www.bigo.com and got a price quote for those tires. pretty nifty.
  • i'm going to sleep. have a paper to write tomorrow. probably should study for the film final, that'll probably wait until the paper has been turned in.
  • when my car started up tonight after working on the timing it was the sweetest sound i had heard in a long time. once again, i uncontrollably sprayed my shorts.
  • some guy named jeff came up to me at 1am or so when i was working on the car. we talked about the car and finals. nice guy who has 2 finals on his birthday this thursday. he transferred from china so he's only a junior and he's turning 23. nothing wrong with that.

  • 3-19-01 (22:46)

  • all those damn tree saving liberals and their powered hand dryers are to blame for the energy crisis.
  • have 3 good ford escorts to look at while i'm in la. also have about 4-6 metros which look pretty good.
  • it hit 82 degrees today. i'm actually very warm right now. i had forgotten what it was like to be warm.
  • it would be very funny if i got to bakersfield and the bug died. ha ha ha. ugh
  • the lakers suck and that is good.
  • as predicted my ranking dropped from 1,461 out of over 500,000 to 10,246 out of 500,000 in the ncaa rankings. i'm now in the 97th percentile. i am a loser and i suck.
  • i need to get home by 7pm on thursday to watch the ucla game. i should leave before noon.
  • georgetown could surprise a lot of people.
  • yahoo sports poll has the ucla-duke matchup as the most intriguing sweet 16 matchup, as voted for by the people. i actually picked kansas-illinois, but ucla-duke is a close second, and is the game i'd rather watch.
  • rather than wasting away writing on this piece i'm going to put the seal on the decklid of my car. i'm sure i'll be back with exciting news that my engine has been stolen or something.

  • 3-19-01 (19:20)

  • the car runs, oh rejoice. note to self: don't assume you have a centrifugal advance distributor without checking first.
  • took car for a test drive and seems to be doing fairly well, will adjust valves again some time before i leave because i like to push my luck. may as well test the compression again while i'm at it.
  • need to eat.
  • should get to work on the paper earlier tomorrow, rather than later.
  • work was slow at first and then fun later on. work three hours tomorrow: 3-6. also seeing a teaching credential advisor tomorrow to make sure i've got things right in my head. sent out the cbest registration today, i'm forty bucks poorer.
  • i hope ucla beats duke's ass. what would happen if ucla played gonzaga? i'll not think about that.
  • shit, tomorrow is tuesday and i don't have class - i should play basketball with the kdvs crew. i'm going to do that. basketball is fun and a good way to put off a paper on nietzsche.
  • "what's a fat man without food in his gut?"

  • 3-18-01 (23:13)

  • the ncaa tourney is kinda like the american dream in basketball - anyone can win at any given time, they just need to work hard and sometimes have a little luck. of course it's also like the american dream because only 64 teams get to be in the tournament in the first place.
  • got to watch part of the gonzaga game and part of the michigan state game. i predict michigan state to win by 9, but that score won't reflect how close it'll be...i think gonzaga will hang within 3-6 points until the last 3-4 minutes.
  • i think temple is the dark horse of the tourney - usc was ranked higher and has less of a chance against kentucky than temple does against penn state. although the line on KY is only -4 because they're kind of a sporadic team (like ucla). in the la times it said of the first round ucla match up against hofstra "they (ucla) will win by 20, unless they lose by 20." it sounds crazy, but it's painfully accurate of ucla - who will show up against duke - the dr. jekyl or mr. hyde version of ucla? i don't know, but i know that they've got the talent to beat any team in the tournament.
  • i think georgetown could upset maryland, but i wouldn't count on it. i don't think mississippi will beat arizona. i've been impressed with the big victories by kansas. i was surprised to see penn state beat unc, at the same time i wasn't surprised to see unc lose...hope that makes sense.
  • all this march madness stuff really is exciting, can't wait until the 22nd. i think it's pretty cool that coach lavin (of ucla) benched two of his starters in the last game for leaving study hall an hour early. that takes balls and integrity. the great john wooden once said that the bench is the greatest tool a coach has.
  • watched part of the simpsons today - the who were guests on it and at the very end they played "won't get fooled again" - it was sublime. just great. it felt like everything in the show was coming together perfectly and the song capped it off just amazingly. i think i sprayed my shorts.
  • that's right, it's officially spring here in davis. i've worn shorts three days in a row now. some amazing stuff.
  • work from 12-5 tomorrow.
  • cleaned the carburetor today, going to see how/if the car runs tomorrow.
  • trued my front bike wheel - it hardly has wobble at all now.
  • it's always nice to do things, which normally cost money, for yourself for free.
  • there's no one i'd rather hear talk about basketball than magic johnson - he knows his shit and makes it sound so fucking cool. that infectous smile of his doesn't hurt either. i can't remember the last time i saw him describing a past game, but it's been too long.
  • i've actually got a good little list of cars i'm going to look into while i'm in la. then there's always the car dealerships.
  • i like soundgarden more than i remembered.

  • 3-18-01 (01:21)

  • "The average length of time a Yahoo! shareholder holds Yahoo! shares is seven days." dotcom revolution? hmmm
  • haven't updated nearly as much as usual lately.
  • had my first final today, so i've got two down (because i wrote a paper in lieu of another final) and i've got two to go; both on wednesday - one is a paper and the other is a final.
  • i've been thinking about it and i really actually need to find a car fairly soon. called a bunch of geo metro owners today and think i got one or two decent leads. i'll call the rest tomorrow and then make a list of ones to setup meeting times with for when i'm in town.
  • ice cream is good.
  • melanie is the shit.
  • bs2000 album is very cool, better than the first.
  • ucla kicks ass and so does usc. the pac-10 is doing really well, arizona should win tomorrow which will leave 4 pac-10 teams in the sweet 16 - very sweet. only lost one out of the 8 games tonight, tomorrow could be a different story. i was very surprised to see boston college get knocked out, but i'm glad that usc did it.
  • it was genuinely warm today, though not entirely sunny.
  • work from 3-6 tomorrow.
  • read part of this philosophy book today, it was pretty dense shit, but this guy was making a claim about rationality and the viability of an a priori sense of knowledge. i wasn't really able to embrace it, but i'd like to learn more about epistemological questions like that.
  • this summer trip is going to be very nice.
  • i've managed to neglect laundry for over a month - that is remarkable given the paucity of clothing in my wardrobe. i really do look like a bum sometimes. i wear the same shorts and shirts for a few days in a row. for the most part i don't car and that is nice. i like not taking a shower every day or always having crisp clean clothes. it's nice that i can get away with it too (i mean odor-wise).
  • computers crashed at the library today so we were going to have to check out books manually by writing down the bar codes of the book and the patron's libary card...it was just going to be a pain in the ass. luckily the network reset itself. society is so dependent upon technology it's sick. i said to one of the patrons "now you know what the unambomber was talking about." she gave a nervous laugh and walked away. to her the unabomber is a psycho redneck.
  • vern changed the channel to the wwf smackdown tonight and i was thrilled to see how far we have come as a society. two asian wrestlers were talking shit, as all wrestlers do. the odd thing was that their lips were moving, but they weren't in synch with what was being said - it was a play on hong kong dubbed films. i thought it was rather inventive and very progressive of the world wide wrestling federation (wwf) to be using such antiquated and racist jokes. (that's my being sarcastic by the way). what made it all worse was when the play by play announcers were talking about them and commenting on how "it's funny how it takes so many words to say something in their language compared to english." or how "they look like goldfish." frankly it made me feel very bad to be white, male, american, human, or otherwise associated with those fucking idiots.
  • it's funny because recently jason williams (sacramento kings basketball player) was admonished for saying some racist comment to an asian fan who was bothering him. the funny thing is that they made a huge deal out of that, and yet completely ignore the wwf. the wwf does far more racist, bigoted, simple mindedness than one comment from jason williams can.
  • the people upstairs are retarded.
  • the final today didn't go as planned, but that's life at it's most real.
  • i maintain my lack of hope for humanity.
  • the whole black beret business is so ludicrous i find it sad that anyone would bother to mention it on his website.
  • since i leave on the 22nd i'm going to miss the ucla versus duke/missouri game (probably end up being duke). fuck. i should get my dad to tape that for me. that's a game i'd really like to see. i guess there's a chance they're going to play at 7pm. maybe i could end up watching it then. we'll see.
  • i should get some sleep.

  • 3-16-01 (23:54)

  • 24/32 for the tourney so far so i'd have 24 points out of 32, but that'll change in the next round. the only big loss was virginia losing to gonzaga because i had them beating oklahoma in the second round, so i'm still in good shape. on the yahoo site i'm in the top 1,461 out of 526,644.
  • i've got a final tomorrow. i should get to studying for that. i don't think i'm very prepared for it at all.
  • ice cream is my vice.
  • have a ford escort i'm looking at which could be good.
  • realized today that after i take the bug down to la i'll have no way of checking out cars up here so i don't know what the hell i'm going to do. better find a car while i'm in la. jeesh.
  • after tomorrow i'll have one paper and one final left, they're both on wednesday. so having a few days off from school will be nice. naturally i have work everyone of those days, but not having school will be something of a break.
  • tomorrow should be interesting.

  • 3-16-01 (00:47)

  • 13 out of 16 on the ncaa picks. we shall see what tomorrow holds.
  • today was stressful.
  • updated movies list.
  • one week from now i'll be home.

  • 3-15-01 (17:36)

  • today has been very very hectic. wow.
  • got the paper turned in and that could have gone more smoothly.
  • got my grade adjusted for my sociology portfolio.
  • so far today i've predicted 7 out of 8 outcomes correctly in the ncaa tourney.
  • i'm going to watch some tv.

  • 3-15-01 (07:38)

  • i do much better without taking naps before writing.
  • finished it, will proofread and such at a later time.
  • maybe i can catch some shut eye right quick.
  • "Anybody who lived the way this guy was living -- he lived in a little shack with no power -- something's wrong...He wasn't your usual-type person." -- resident of Unabomber's montana town.
  • good to know that people are so progressive these days.
  • can't wait to go home.
  • can't wait for today to be over, it's going to be a long day so i'm going to sleep some.

  • 3-15-01 (03:26)

  • updated movies list.
  • updated cdlist.
  • started my paper, barely.
  • i've always thought that the second album of pink floyd's the wall should be the first, and the first should be the second.
  • here's pretty cool little quiz for those of you who need a confidence boost or something.

  • 3-14-01 (23:36)

  • look everybody it's a falling stock market. whoop whoop. we all knew this was coming, at least we should have. i sure did, i just thought it was going to happen 3 years ago, guess i was wrong, but right. at least this way we can blame it on a lack of consumer confidence thanks to bush. :)
  • have a paper due tomorrow. also have a quiz in that class so that's going to be fun.
  • work was decent.
  • march madness begins tomorrow and that is good.
  • i wish people read things without worrying about who wrote them. that's one reason that when i quote things on my page i often leave out the source. i want people to make a judgement on the merits of what is said without knowing who said it. who cares if emerson said it or if kaczynski said it, the words are the same and so should your reaction to them.
  • wonder if puffy is going to get the axe.
  • i'm going to eat and then work on the paper.

  • 3-14-01 (17:41)

  • work in 20 minutes.
  • updated movies list.
  • have a long night ahead of me, haven't gotten any work done for that paper. the paper is worth 45% of my grade, it'll make or break me for sure.

  • 3-13-01 (23:42)

  • today was kinda on the long side.
  • ice cream for breakfast works about as well as anything else.
  • last dungey class was today. he told us how this was the best quarter he has ever had as a teacher and felt it was really rewarding. i got goosebumps and he ended up crying. then, of course, he got a standing ovation which is pretty cool considering how hard the desks make it to stand up. actually it's not cool just for that reason, i'm just being silly. har har. seriously though, dungey is the shit and i'm going to talk with him tomorrow.
  • tomorrow will mostly suck thanks to the paper which is due on thursday. the good thing about that is that it's in lieu of my final so i'll get one out of the way a few days before most people will even start taking theirs.
  • updated movies list.
  • been swamped lately.
  • thinking about watching a movie before i goto bed - a short one which i've already seen before, but it's good, due on friday, and short so it's an option.
  • it's funny how much some facts change. population facts are constantly changing, political systems are always changing (sometimes not so subtly), what we consider scientific facts are even changing. naturally most facts don't change, but there are still so many facts which change with time. some former facts turn into history and others turn into myths or superstition or are just outmoded in general.
  • if i watch a movie then i pretty much have to have some ice cream, but i already brushed my teeth. decisions decisions.
  • today was more or less the first day of spring. i wore shorts during the weekend, but was slightly cold. today i could have gotten away with wearing shorts no problem.
  • isn't orbital supposed to come out with something new very soon?
  • heard the new daft punk album isn't so great.
  • i still download off napster without much trouble. guess if i searched for "britney spears" more often then i'd run into trouble.
  • it's always amazing to me how little some people struggle with life. i think that buddhists or nietzscheans would see that and think that those people are just missing the point of life. i think i'd agree. obviously i don't think seeking pain or suffering is good, but struggle is. i'm not talking struggle with regards to what you're going to wear to your wedding or having a fight with your new significant other. i'm talking struggling with deeper questions that life present daily...existence, meaning, direction, etc. some people really don't ever seriously question what they're doing with themselves. they just see that everyone else is wearing gap, think that it's cool, and go on wearing it. others think that the gap is the devil and will never wear it. i just want people to seriously question things, from why they're wearing what they're wearing to what they want to do with their life. i don't mind if people come to a different conclusion than i have - in fact i celebrate when someone has truly questioned things.
  • i also think that people feel like they are questioning things, but without an education - or some exposure to higher levels of thought - it's extremely difficult to question things at a level which will be conducive to any sort of change. i'm brain dead right now so i can't come up with any examples, but i think you get the point and you probably see it around you, and if you're really cool, within yourself.
  • can't wait to get to la. i've got a hot date with my mom lined up, even a day set aside for the old pops. oh, and then there's that melanie girl who hangs around sometime; she's pretty nifty.
  • i'm going to eat ice cream and watch el mariachi. good film, better than the remake - desperado. what a delight it was to see it on the big screen when no one even knew who robert rodriguez was. by the time four rooms came out they knew.

  • 3-12-01 (23:29)

  • what song is it that says "it's getting, it's getting, it's getting kinda hectic..."? i forget, but it is.
  • one paper down, one due on thursday (sociology) which will require not much writing, but lots of prep., and one due next wednesday (nietzsche) which will require not too much writing, but a good amount of gathering my thoughts.
  • got my midterm back from last quarter's dungey class - an 87 which means that i was really close to a b+ in that class. wish i could have gotten that because i know i deserved it.
  • weather has been really nice lately, it was even hot today if you spent enough time in the sun.
  • sent out a bunch of bills today so that's a weight off the shoulders.
  • have a new metro lead - 1995, manual, newly charged a/c, white (with some kind of potentially wack decal), 100K miles, one owner, and "if you make an offer i'll probably take it." it's this couple who have two cars and just can't afford the car anymore, it needs some work, but they're willing to take that into account on the price. so i'm thinking that i'll tell them to get the two tires replaced and get it tuned up like it needs and, so long as everything else on it is legit and the mechanics don't find any potential problems, then i'll make an offer on the way low side (1500?) and see if they take it.
  • then there's an escort in davis 1993 (not as good a year as a 95 metro), red, 94k miles, some small scratches, newly tuned, a/c, new brakes, new tags, smogged, $1800. we shall see. it's in davis so it doesn't hurt to bike over to their place and check it out.
  • i've got five movies to watch by friday, otherwise dem fees start to stack up.
  • one of these days i'll have enough time to discuss all the deep issues which have been on my mind lately. i've wanted to talk about all sorts of things from the influence the past has one people to more ramblings on the existence of humans.
  • took a quick glance at some freud today - if he was right then this world sucks more than it already does.
  • i should get some sleep soon.
  • yesterday was rather shitty, but i had an old friend there to help me out. his name was jack daniels. actually it was melanie, but if it was jack daniels you'd think i was cooler, right?
  • i really want to watch more horror films now. i've never been really into them, but after watching two of the greatest horror films of all time, and another which was directed by one of the greats, i've decided that horror films are on the cool list and i should sink myself into them for the next few video rental trips.
  • the internet is mostly boring.
  • my back is doing better.
  • march is going quickly and that is very good.
  • you should tell someone you care about them today.

  • 3-12-01 (02:14)

  • been pretty damned busy lately.
  • updated movies list.
  • going to start writing my english film paper pretty soon, decided to do it on horror films and how they differ in creating atmosphere. let me just say that romero kicks ass and that i'm going to have to start watching more horror flicks.
  • i actually ended up watching mark borchardt's two favorite horror films today. pretty cool.

  • 3-11-01 (02:19)

  • updated movies list.
  • hopefully i'll get control of my life tomorrow.

  • 3-10-01 (22:00)

  • haven't been writing much lately.
  • life has just been coasting along
  • just had deja vu, seriously, that's weird.
  • think i decided on my movies for the paper on monday.

  • 3-9-01 (22:54)

  • the joys of mid-engine cars. this is a crazy machine, just look at the pictures.

  • 3-9-01 (15:21)

  • going to get working on the car soon enough.
  • went to the bank and asked about traveler's checks and she said that they charge "1.5 percent per hundred dollars." i thought about informing her that that was redundant, but decided against it. a funny moment in the day nonetheless.
  • work wasn't too bad.
  • rap is good.
  • sleep last night didn't go so well.
  • i'm very thirsty.
  • got one compliment for my shirt today and had one black woman staring at me. her being black is relevant because, well i'll just fetch the shirt design right quick...

  • heard a vicious rumor that chris cornell might replace zack de la rocha for ratm, hmmm.
  • was trying to make an argument against the tate ruling in flordia (he's the 14 year old who killed the 6 year old two years ago by wrestling with her). apparently the damage was so bad that it couldn't have been a complete accident, but he's also mentally deficient and there might be some question as to whether he could separate the truth of wrestling from the wwf. well florida gave him 99 years in prison so i guess he'll have time to think about it. kris from work was really happy to hear the results of the trial. i tried to make an argument that maybe 99 years was a bit excessive, but she wouldn't have any of that. in fact the only time she didn't actively disagree with me was when i shifted gears and said rather exhaustedly "i think anyone who fucks up should be killed anyway." i guess she didn't have a problem with that.

  • 3-8-01 (23:09)

  • stanford gets beat. hell yea.
  • accepting the things you can't change is one of the hardest things for humans.
  • the lecture "beyond the big bang" was mostly a look at the origin of the universe from a "strictly objective scientific" standpoint. by claiming that he was being scientific, rational, logical, and objective he turned me off right away. a year ago it might have been an interesting argument, but i've grown weary of objectivity and logic since then. i just don't buy into them. they're interesting for thought experiments, but to me not very good when looking for a metaphysical answer to life or to the origin thereof. logic has it's place, and metaphysics isn't one of them.
  • to me the smartest people admit that they don't know things and they don't take stances (or maybe take all stances) on issues. maybe either believing in nothing or believing in everything is the best course. if you believe in nothing, or believe in everything then your world will never come crashing down, you and your beliefs are fluid and ever-changing. this doesn't make you fickle or capricious, rather it makes you well rounded. liking all music makes you cultured or worldly, it earns respect because it shows diversity, why can't this apply to ideologies? well because ideologies are yes and no statements - should abortion be allowed - yes or no, black and white. at least that's the way we are trained to think. is there a god? i don't know. should abortion be allowed? i don't know. when i brought this up with jon he used a quote from four rooms which essentially says one who makes fewer declarative statements will be less likely to look like a fool later on. something to that effect.
  • i think people should be more willing to give the answer "i don't know" - despite what you've been told by socrates, et al ("virtue is knowledge") it is okay not to know things. this obviously doesn't apply to all life, but i think that you're all smart enough to figure out when it does or does not apply. one thing that has impressed me about my dad is that he is always able to take the opposing side with equal fervor as the other. he's a good devil's advocate. one thing that has impressed me about dungey is that he isn't afraid to say that he struggles with ideological questions, he admits that he doesn't know where he stands on some issues. i think if one is cut and dry on everything they believe then either a) they know all the answers to the world or b) they haven't thought about the issues thoroughly enough. there are, obviously, some issues which you will answer quite readily, others will take some time not, and yet more will never present themselves as answerable throughout your life. the boring person is the person who is fixed in their beliefs. though it may be fun to argue with them at first you will soon find that there is no point. on the other end of the spectrum there are people like doc who stand in the middle on everything - those are the people that get boring even more quickly.
  • so the tax cut proposal rolled through the house. then there's the republican measure which defeats the clinton backed ergonomic standards in the work place which looks like it's going to be passed. we are actually taking away workers' rights, that's really amazing to me. the country is fucked. what's more amazing is that the republicans see it as helping business rather than hurting workers. it's funny because just the other day i was reading what nader had to say about tort reform (or what he referred to as tort deform in the hands of the likes of bush).
  • bush on how to prevent school shootings: "we need to teach our children right from wrong." that's about the only thing that i've agreed with bush on since i heard of the silly bastard. there is a difference between ideology and implementation though, and that is what i fear.
  • to tell people that the reason they shouldn't do things is because god isn't going to let you into heaven or because it's not right according to this set of rules which has been ordained from above doesn't seem to be the best way. it's just like having laws - if the only reason you don't commit crimes is because they're against the law then that's pretty sad and rather fleeting actually. because as soon as you know, or think, you can get away with it then you're scot free. so if the cop isn't looking over your shoulder then you can do it and if you don't believe in god then you're clear on that account as well. then there isn't anything holding you back. if the answer came from within, if you had your own conceptions of right and wrong then you're bound to those by yourself and that's more effective than rules from the outside or from above. the trick is ensuring that everyone has the same inner conceptions of right and wrong - this seems impossible without mass indoctrination. that's the hard part.
  • nietzsche thinks that mass indoctrination and domestication of what is right and wrong is the great injustice of history. but what is practical is indeed a mass indoctrination - religious, moral, political, educational, etc. - by any means get people to think that the same things are good or bad. without that cohabitation is impossible. the police can't be everywhere, the law isn't omnipotent or omnipresent. if society is able to make each person their own self-policing unit then society benefits, but true freedom is constricted, perhaps lost. that's the old dilemma of politics, and thus, cohabitation in general. i don't know what the answer is, but i don't think it's faith based programs funded by the government or mass indoctrination which includes learning that women comprise original temptation/sin, we're all sinners, sinning is bad and you should feel guilty and bad about yourself, heaven is waiting, but only for good people, and all the other horrible things that go along with religions of various sorts. i like that religion tells you not to kill people, but it pretty much fails me from there on. i think the bible is probably on of the most socially retarding books of all time.
  • i'm going to get some sleep soon.
  • tomorrow i shall make some headway on the car project and hopefully i get it all squared away before dusk.
  • not knowing where you're going isn't so bad. we all experience the pain of not knowing where we're going on some level. for some it's "i don't know if i'm going to be a doctor or a lawyer when i graduate" or "i don't know if i'm going to yale or stanford" for others it means a bit more, but the truth is that not knowing is fine and we should learn to accept it, and even, like it. how many times have you heard people agonizing over their not knowing where they're going in life? it's a distressing feeling, but that's because we've had this thought engrained in our heads that we need to know where we're going, we have to have goals. having goals is fine, but not having goals is okay too. having those goals change is also fine.
  • 16 more days and i'll be hanging out with melanie. one of these days i won't have to count the days anymore.

  • 3-8-01 (18:21)

  • changed the oil and replaced the generator bolt because it was stripped pretty bad. tomorrow i'll do the real tune-up stuff. should be sucky. wish i had a hydraulic jack and some jack stands.
  • lava soap is very handy.
  • been thinking about the trip nonstop
  • i'm lazy when it comes to changing the cds in my cd player. i don't use the shuffle option very often in fact, hardly ever.
  • going to the big bang lecture with jon at 7pm, have no idea when that'll be over. it'll be interesting to see what a theologian has to say about all that stuff. not that i really care, i think i've given up on knowing what is beyond me, and i think that's a conclusion that takes a lot of people a lot longer to reach. there's nothing wrong with not being able to answer the question "do you believe in a god." i think that a lot of people feel they have to take one side on that issue. i actually don't think the existence of a god really matters. if i did believe in a god (which sometimes i do and sometimes i don't) then i wouldn't think that it was all powerful or all good or all bad or determined my fate or any of that crap. so, for all intents and purposes, the existence of a higher force wouldn't really matter anyway. when i do believe in a god i believe in it as a force which just is. it's just there and it's neither wholly good or wholly bad, it doesn't interfere with our lives, it's just a cosmic body or something.
  • we'll see what mr. phd from some ivy league has to say about it all. i'll report back on that.
  • class tomorrow will be early and that's a shame.
  • i should have eaten something before changed the oil. i need to take the oil to a recycling place sometime. having a decent oil change pan is nice.
  • nine more classes and i'm done for the quarter.
  • the weather has been nice and i thank the lord above for granting us this pleasantness. i owe everything to the lord, i am but his tool.
  • winston churchill once said that democracy is the worst political system except all the others. he was very right in a lot of ways. remember that democracy doesn't necessitate capitalism, in fact they are counteractive in a lot of ways.
  • track 8 (wet tip hen ax) on "...i care because you do" is the shit.
  • money is the root of all evil. actually the real quote is "want of money is the root of all evil." there is a difference.
  • cell phones aren't the devil, most cell phone users are just insanely retarded.
  • i'm inclined to say that alcohol is the devil, but i don't want to align myself with fundamentalist midwestern shack dwellers.
  • alcohol and small pox did a lot for america and not much of it was good.
  • gotta jet. 18:45

  • 3-8-01 (16:42)

  • done for the day, that's a nice feeling.
  • think i'm going to this "beyond the big bang" lecture by some doctor of theology. it's sponsored by one of the christian organizations on campus. i wonder (not really) what would happen if someone tried to have a satanist organization on campus.
  • vern saw dungey at work today sadly he missed out on the chance to see him throw things at students and he didn't do as much ranting and raving has he sometimes does. nonetheless it was a valuable class.

  • 3-8-01 (02:00)

  • going to sleep soon.
  • tomorrow should be easy enough. it'll be hard to wake up for my 130 class though, i really don't want to go to it, but i should.
  • i'm poised to get some good grades if i step it up. hopefully i get inspired in the next two weeks.
  • i want to get another chemical brothers album sometime soon. i also want to finish off my orbital collection by picking up snivilizations.
  • thought i had all the stuff for my tune-up, but i need a spark plug wrench because the one i have is too small. utter gayness.
  • talking to dungey was good. talking to michael (sociology TA) was also good. he's got some graduate student 3-hour oral test on monday wherein he gets grilled by the faculty about sociological stuff and he's gotta be able to spit out all sorts of suporting evidence (from a massive list of articles) and make thoughtful arguments on the fly. sounds "so damn tough" (to sample the great kurtis blow).
  • it really is amazing how much kurtis blow has been sampled.
  • time to make my floor and sleep on it.

  • 3-8-01 (00:00)

  • it seems that just about everyone will say that a movie based upon fiction isn't going to be as good as the book. i wonder why so many people say that and why some even say that movies shouldn't be made from fiction. it seems that a lot of people seem to attach a negative label on movies when they're adopted from books, like they're borrowing from something that's already been done. they shouldn't even try to make a movie, or something to that effect. "movies always steal from literature" some people say. it just seems silly to me to squabble about movies taking ideas from books. movies don't go to books nearly as often as the other way around because once the movie has been made the images are already there, to write a book would be pretty silly. with a book there is so much that is left to the reader to interpret, and this is one of the things that is good, but limiting, about literature. with movies there is less room for interpretation because the images are there, the music, the framing, the mise en scene, the makeup, the costumes, the set, etc. but anyone who has seen enough movies with friends knows they're plenty open for interpretation too. what i'm saying is this - movies are fucking great and i like them more than fiction books. you may like fiction books more than movies - great i'll give you a plaque the next time i see you, but don't knock movies as ripping off books or claiming them to be a lower art form or anything like that because then i'm going to have to shove that plaque up your pompous ass.
  • by the way, i'm not thinking of anyone in particular or a certain incident, i'm just thinking.
  • the fat boys are back, and you know they'll never be wack.
  • i guess what i breaks down to is this - i don't like it when people claim "a" is better than "b." whether "a" is white people "b" b is black people or "a" is books and "b" is movies or "a" is high art and "b" is pop art.
  • saw steven, this guy i used to work with, while i was at work today. that was pretty cool since i haven't seen him in a long time. he's getting married sometime this year. i doubt i'll get invited, but it's still weird to have a friend getting married. he's 26 or 27 so it's not that weird i guess. i wonder who's wedding i'll be invited to first. that is to say, i wonder who, of my friends, will get married first.
  • got a good amount of stuff done today, felt productive enough.

  • 3-7-01 (17:40)

  • the whole school shooting shit is getting more and more out of hand these days...i heard of three more in the last day or two. one of them was a 14 year old girl shooting a 13 year old girl in her catholic school. if it had to happen i'm glad it happened in a catholic school - maybe it'll open more eyes. this i not only happening with lower class teenagers, it's not just a problem in the ghetto anymore (that lost its marketing appeal in the late 80s). it happens to girls and boys, pagans and catholics. hopefully it'll wake people up a little more. dubious.
  • what makes all this even more sad about it is the need to blame. do we blame video games, the internet, marilyn manson, the government, the guy who saw the warning signs, but didn't do anything about it...who do we blame? in this world someone is always to blame, there is always a cure, there is always a way it could have been prevented. wrong, wrong and wrong. there are ways it can be prevented, but it can never be stopped completely. there isn't always someone to blame, and it's almost never music, video games, or one person. there isn't always a cure in life, people need to realize that, too.
  • the thing that makes nietzsche dangerous is that he was smarter than most other philosophers, he questioned just about everything, and he's not to be spliced and diced for your own purposes - that is, he can be dangerous if you don't understand him (which is hard to do in the first place) and if you only know a little bit about him or his philosophy. nietzsche wasn't a nazi.
  • work in 20 minutes.
  • got a lot done today, saw dungey and my sociology ta.

  • 3-7-01 (02:00)

  • 7th day of march is here and that is good news.
  • time passing is always a good sign.
  • one of these days i'll die and that'll suck.
  • please make sure to grind me up and use me as compost, anything else would most likely be a waste.
  • please laugh a lot when i die, anything else would be no fun.
  • read part of the republic today. the thing about socrates is he really shows you that the more you think the more you realize that you know so little. strange because plato was all about making things known and definite. creating some rules and universal truth through the application of rational thought. really makes people like ayn rand seem elementary. and, thus, people like me not worth while.
  • good thing plato was wrong.
  • i haven't talked to luke in a while. he needs to update his webpage once in a while.
  • luke's interviews were always funny.
  • orbital is good, about as good as anything else i know.
  • melanie's better than orbital.
  • the movie tonight was good in a sense, but maybe i'm becoming too much of a hard ass in my old age to enjoy stuff like that.
  • i ustacould (used to be able to) laugh at horrible things.
  • i don't know what my stance is on being able to laugh at certain things. "they" say that nothing tells you more about a person than what they laugh at. maybe "they" are right.
  • i don't think
  • anything is always right
  • or always wrong.
  • not even republicans or fundamentalists are wholly bad or wrong. the only exception to that rule might be mormons.
  • maybe i'll hit up salt lake city on the trip.
  • maybe not.
  • if i get a cd player that plays cd-rs with mp3 files on them then i could have all my mp3s on just 3-4 cds. that would be very nice, though more expensive than if i were to burn all the songs onto audio cds.
  • cleaned my keyboard the other night. i was bored.
  • fans of the band "tool" seem to be more intelligent than other music fans i've come across.
  • a week from tomorrow will be the last day of class. a week from then i'll be driving home.
  • i should work on the bug on sunday. the parts should be here by then.
  • none of my family has seen the bug, except melanie.
  • got my first cd in two months today - in the mail. rem - up. bs2000 is also enroute.
  • i'm not saying much worth reading.
  • the fact that i even thought that goes to show you how much of a journal this is. at this point i'm obviously aware that i have an audience and that will make anything i write....you finish the sentence.
  • need to clean my room because it's a mess.
  • one paper due monday, one next thursday, one the wednesday after that. total of about 20 pages. that's pretty much cake. i remember the good old days when writing papers was an event worthy of a safeway trip. that was when i did drugs (read: mountain dew). then i passed out in the shower and decided against doing that ever again.
  • the kings won and that is good. when the kings win, we all win.
  • i like providing balance. i learned that from my dad, for better or worse.
  • i'm worried about becoming a dad and then sucking at it. if the first ever happens then the second may or may not happen. worry about it then.
  • the metro will be my ashram during this summer's hegira.
  • it's amazing how much one's brain can atrophy when not used fully. it's amazing what one forgets when one doesn't practice remembering.
  • i need to remember to eat and sleep more.
  • i need to forget a lot more.
  • there are things i'd like to remember such as names, facts, figures, but those don't matter so much as the things i'd like to forget.

  • 3-7-01 (00:15)

    you want to go out friday
    and you want to go forever.
    you know that it sounds childish
    that you've dreamt of alligators.
    you hope that we are with you
    and you hope you're recognized
    you want to go forever
    you see it in my eyes.
    I'm lost in the confusion
    and it doesn't seem to matter
    you really can't believe it
    and you hope it's getting better

    you want to trust the doctors
    their procedure is the best
    but the last try was a failure
    and the intern was a mess.
    and they did the same to Matthew
    and he bled 'til sunday night
    they're saying don't be frightened
    but you're weakened by the sight of it
    you lock into a pattern
    and you know that it's the last ditch
    you're trying to see through it
    and it doesn't make sense
    but they're saying don't be frightened
    and they're killing alligators
    and they're hog-tied
    and accepting of the struggle

    you want to trust religion
    and you know it's allegory
    but the people who are followers
    have written their own story.
    so you look up to the heavens
    and you hope that it's a spaceship
    and it's something from your childhood
    you're thinking don't be frightened

    you want to climb the ladder
    you want to see forever
    you want to go out friday
    and you want to go forever.
    and you want to cross your dna
    to cross your dna with something reptile.
    and you're questioning the sciences
    and questioning religion
    you're looking like an idiot
    and you no longer care.
    and you want bridge the schism,
    a built-in mechanism to protect you.
    and you're looking for salvation
    and you're looking for deliverance
    you're looking for deliverance
    you're looking like an idiot
    and you no longer care.
    you want to climb the ladder
    you want to see forever.
    you want to go out friday
    you want to go forever.

    3-6-01 (23:58)

  • updated movies list.
  • being through with monday and tuesday is always a relief.
  • i was reading something by tolstoy today in which he was talking about the whole idea that art can only be enjoyed by the few with knowledge enough to appreciate it. basically he said that that was a bunch of bullshit and that pompous assholes who claim that should suck an egg, or something. thank you tolstoy for being famous and credulous enough make people believe you more than they believe me.
  • there's something about quotes which can have a devastating impact on debates. if you say "well einstein said such and such" then that's a plus for your side.
  • the fact is that you and i have both said thinks equally as brilliant as an einstein or a nietzsche or a tolstoy, but we're not as smart as them, not as known, probably haven't said as many brilliant things as them, and probably don't put it as cleverly as they usually do. i'm tempted to jump to the conclusion that quotes are for the weak, but really they're just for the ineloquent - like me. and the sad truth is that if i say something and then back it up with a similar quote from a notable personality then you are more likely to take it to heart.
  • "And the angel of the lord came unto me, snatching me up from my place of slumber. And took me on high, and higher still until we moved to the spaces betwixt the air itself. And he brought me into a vast farmlands of our own midwest. And as we descended, cries of impending doom rose from the soil. One thousand, nay a million voices full of fear. And terror possessed me then. And I begged, "Angel of the Lord, what are these tortured screams?" And the angel said unto me, "These are the cries of the carrots, the cries of the carrots! You see, Reverend Maynard, tomorrow is harvest day and to them it is the holocaust." And I sprang from my slumber drenched in sweat like the tears of one million terrified brothers and roared, "Hear me now, I have seen the light! They have a consciousness, they have a life, they have a soul! Damn you! Let the rabbits wear glasses! Save our brothers!" Can I get an amen? Can I get a hallelujah? Thank you Jesus. Life feeds on life feeds on life feeds on life feeds on........"
  • "ice cream is heaven in a creamy frozen food form" - thoreau
  • actually i just made that up, but you believed it more coming from thoreau, didn't you?
  • we're all guilty of this, but i have to bring it up anyway....say i take a ed norton painting and give it to an art student and say "hey check out this painting i made. what do you think of it?" i think that if the art student knew my background as a non-artist that 9 out of 10 times he'd say it has promise, but isn't anything great. but you sign it "ed norton" and tell him that it's an ed norton painting and all of a sudden he finds a billion things he loves about it. i think that applies to most art. i know that if i hear a song and know it's britney spears i'm going to be biased, just as i'm going to be tendentious if it's a led zeppelin b-side i've never heard. it's all a matter of degree i suppose. it's also just a sad fact of life - people are biased. i'd like to think that if i wrote a short story as good as raymond carver that it would be recognized and lauded as highly as his stories are, but that's not the case. maybe it would be in a perfect world.
  • maybe i'm being silly, maybe objectivity is overrated.
  • i think it would be a cool experiment to take a short story written by raymond carver and a short story written by graduate student jane blow and submit them to a few professors to see what they thought. only, with one set of profs you give the stories with the names of the authors and the other set of profs don't have names on the story at all (or better yet, switch the names of the authors). you catch my meaning?
  • "It was daylight when you woke up in your ditch. You looked up at your sky then. That made blue be your color. You had your knife there with you too. When you stood up there was goo all over your clothes. Your hands were sticky. You wiped them on your grass, so now your color was green. Oh Lord, why did everything always have to keep changing like this. You were already getting nervous again. Your head hurt and it rang when you stood up. Your head was almost empty. It always hurt you when you woke up like this. You crawled up out of your ditch onto your gravel road and began to walk, waiting for the rest of your mind to come back to you. You can see the car parked far down the road and you walked toward it. "If God is our Father," you thought, "then Satan must be our cousin." Why didn't anyone else understand these important things? You got to your car and tried all the doors. They were locked. It was a red car and it was new. There was an expensive leather camera case laying on the seat. Out across your field, you could see two tiny people walking by your woods. You began to walk towards them. Now red was your color and, of course, those little people out there were yours too."
  • it would be cool if i bought a car while i was in la.

  • 3-6-01 (00:43)

  • "there's no reason a man and another man can't elope" - eminem
  • it's funny what things are filed under free speech and what things aren't.
  • dr. andrew weil is a piece of shit.
  • there is a difference between being critical and being cynical.

  • 3-5-01 (22:47)

  • updated movies list.
  • i want ice cream. in fact everytime i finish a meal it feels incomplete without ice cream. it's really hard to not go to safeway right now and buy some.
  • you judge for yourself.
  • it kinda sucks to miss all the madness of march. i guess i'll be able to see some of it later when it starts being televised nationally.
  • "Beliefs are dangerous. Beliefs allow the mind to stop functioning. A non-functioning mind is clinically dead. Believe in nothing..."

  • 3-5-01 (00:40)

  • i think i've misunderstood einstein saying "everything is relative"...i used to take it as everything is relative to others, but i think it is better to think of it as everything is relative to how you perceive things - meaning that there is no absolute. in the first case if everything is relative then the things i pride myself for (being able to overcome struggle, thinking, being good in the sack, whatever) are all going to seem less weighty or important because relative to others i haven't had as much struggle, i haven't thought about as much stuff, as deeply, as others. so relative to others i'm not that cool after all. but in the latter sense of the saying it just takes on the meaning that things are relative to my own view of the world. in that sense "everything is relative" is a post modern statement. i think that if i were to employ the other interpretation of the saying then i'd be just screwing myself over because any success i have could be seen as, relatively speaking, inconsequential. basically it's better to look at it as saying "there is no absolute" as opposed to "the worth of anything you do is gauged relative to others."
  • got a haircut tonight.
  • i'm going to sleep soon.
  • since no one else would put this kind of shit up on their website i'll do it and try to make it a little more balanced; this is not to say that i have the sentiments of its author, but it's a different take so i wanted to post it:
  • Eulogy
    "He had alot to say.
    He had alot of nothing to say.
    We'll miss him.

    So long.
    We wish you well.
    You told us how you weren't afraid to die.
    Well then, so long.
    Don't cry.
    Or feel too down.
    Not all martyrs see divinity.
    But at least you tried.

    Standing above the crowd,
    He had a voice that was strong and loud.
    We'll miss him.
    Ranting and pointing his finger
    At everything but his heart.
    We'll miss him.

    No way to recall
    What it was that you had said to me,
    Like I care at all.

    So loud.
    You sure could yell.
    You took a stand on every little thing
    And so loud.

    Standing above the crowd,
    He had a voice so strong and loud and I
    Swallowed his facade cuz I'm so
    Eager to identify with
    Someone above the ground,
    Someone who seemed to feel the same,
    Someone prepared to lead the way, with
    Someone who would die for me.

    Will you? Will you now?
    Would you die for me?
    Don't you fuckin lie.

    Don't you step out of line.
    Don't you fuckin lie.

    You've claimed all this time that you would die for me.
    Why then are you so surprised to hear your own eulogy?

    You had alot to say.
    You had alot of nothing to say.

    Come down.
    Get off your fuckin cross.
    We need the fuckin space to nail the next fool martyr.

    To ascend you must die.
    You must be crucified
    For your sins and your lies. [sic]

    3-4-01 (18:51)

  • watched the last few minutes of an xfl game and was pretty impressed. orlando had the ball with under 2 minutes in their own zone protecting a 2 point lead so they were running down the clock, but the other team had 1 timeout and it was 3rd down. so unless orlando got the first down, which was 5 yards away, they were going to have to punt it and give the other team a chance to come within field goal range and win the game. rather than running a counter or a comparable running play they ran a bootleg and had the qb run it for the first down. you'd never see that in the nfl. some of the camera shots are good and all the mics are nice, but then they start talking about the cheerleaders and it takes a turn for the worse.
  • i haven't done shit all day.
  • going to get haircut from vern tonight.
  • i should watch a movie.
  • i should study for class or something.

  • 3-4-01 (15:40)

  • i remember being about 15 and deciding that the only way i was going to solve my problems was to be completely rational from there on. if i ever had a question about what to do i would choose the most rational path. if i wanted to know what love was i would look it up in the dictionary and adopt that as my definition. the dictionary was going to be my bible. besides the fact that the bible is more well written and has better stories, they seemed to provide the same thing - a guide to living. it seemed a very easy and not so bad way of living my life. i discovered later that being completely rational was pretty hard and that the dictionary wasn't any better a guide to life than the bible so i trashed the idea.

  • 3-3-01 (23:25)

  • i called a few metro owners tonight and got at least one, and maybe 4 good leads. a 96 with 53k on it for 2300, but i forgot to ask if it had a/c. a 97 with 37k on it without a/c for 3700 - pricey, but basically a new car. 500 extra to get a/c put on later. a 95 with 85k and a/c for 3200. and a 97 4 cylinder, a/c and 75k on it for 3500. all of them have a manual transmissions and are in southern california. then i found a 94 with 75k on it, with a/c, automatic transmission, one owner for only 1500. i'll likely not be able to buy any of them since i foresee them all being snatched up by the time i get down to la in three weeks. the first 1996 looks like the best one, but i forgot to ask about a/c and at that price it's going to be gone soon.
  • nihilism (the mentality that comes with post-modern thought) is just like democratic participation...you realize that the matter at hand (either life, in the case of nihilism, or voting, in the case of democratic participation) doesn't matter. that is, when you realize that all life is a matter of opinion and that there is no real truth behind our actions, then you come to the conclusion that one action is not preferable to the next because there is no real truth or universal morality guiding your actions. this knowledge can be extremely liberating or extremely depressing and lead to complete inaction. i don't know if i'm making sense unless you have some background on this stuff...let me try to explain it in terms of my experience. my whole life i'm told that there is a metaphysical truth, that there is a "chris" that i am supposed to try to discover. then one day (or over the course of months) i realize all i think is a compilation of my perception and that is subject to my experience..."Opinion we may have, but certainty and knowledge are impossible." so finally knowing the one truth (that there is no TRUTH) led me to feel extremely sad, depressed, etc. my world was turned upside down...all that which i have done has been for naught. everything i will do in the future will be for naught. since there is no heaven or hell, no right or wrong, outside of me then what am i aiming for? why should i continue to live? that's one possible reaction, the other is the kind that the existentialists have - since there is no right or wrong, no heaven or hell, i can create my own right and wrong, my own world, my own morals, my own bounds - how liberating! if we embrace the former view we are screwed. if we embrace the latter then we are as close to free as we can ever become.
  • this applies to voting like this - one of these days you'll discover (if you haven't already) that your single vote doesn't matter. despite what they say about the florida example or the kennedy/nixon elections, one vote didn't matter. with this knowledge you can say "well my vote doesn't matter so i'm not going to vote." or you can affirm your role as a participant and say "well my vote doesn't matter so i'm not going to be bound to thinking that my vote for nader is going to put bush in office. i'm going to vote the way i want to vote." i suggest you do that both with life and with voting. live life as a "yes" statement. the facts are that death is coming, change is eminent, you'll never know anything for sure, and that the only control you have are of your actions.
  • you see, the thought that so many people had that "my voting for nader is going to send bush to the presidency" parallels the same feeling that we have about life - we can't do x because y is holding us back and so, despite our wanting to do x, we end up doing z. unlike marx or weber or many other social theorists, i've become less and less interested with the origins of y - that which holds us back. it may come from above, it make come from the bourgeoisie (marx), it may come from an amalgamation of ideologies from the rich and the poor (hegemony), it may come from white people, it may come from males, i don't care about that very much because all it does is place blame and placing blame hasn't gotten much done throughout history. what matter is that we are oppressed by our views and conceptions of life, we are supposed to view life as being lived a certain way, there are certain goals, aspirations, methods, correct and incorrect means to an immutable end (whether that end be having the most toys at the end of life or being the most like jesus - both our previously prescribed ways to live your life and both constrain you to someone else's blueprint of life). we need to shed both the means and the ends and create new ones ourselves. and perhaps the most empowering way of doing this is in the knowledge that nothing we do really means anything in the final sense anyway. that is, in having a nihilistic outlook perhaps we will be most able to become what it is we seek for ourselves.
  • "the only thing we have to fear is fear itself" - FDR
  • "fear is your only god" - zach de la rocha
  • "free yourself from yourself" - maynard james keenan
  • "i can't admit that maybe the past was bad. and so, for the sake of momentum, i'm codemning the future to death so it can match the past" - aimee mann
  • not to completely kill an antiquated analogy (both plato and nietzsche, and i'm sure others, have used it), but i feel like i've been in a cave for the last 9 months of my life (i think ever since i finished reading malcolm x). i've been gathering my thoughts and studying how others have thought about the same things i've been thinking of, and it feels like i've been storing up all this thought and information for living the rest of my life. and to extend the analogy plato uses in the republic...i even feel like i've been spending this time in my "cave" with the even goal of getting out and bringing light back to those in the cave. though i don't mean light in the platonic "there is a Truth" kind of way. i mean it in a less profound less absolute way. i mean it in a "here's my experience and thoughts on life" kind of way.

  • 3-3-01 (21:56)

  • people don't read this page on sundays so why update it on sundays?
  • "for the most part he (man, meaning all humanity) is thus characterized by what heidegger calls fallenness and exists inauthenitcally as "they" do, "they" being the generality of ordinary mankind. in this mode of being, man is dominated by what heidegger calls the "they-self," which accepts the worlds as given and never seriously questions the prevailing order of things. according to heidegger, the question of Being arises for humans only when this everyday existence is called into question by an authentic confrontation with death..."
  • "life is generally understood in terms of the possiblities available within a particular world or order of beings. these possibilites seem to the they-self to be given and immutable...."

  • 3-2-01 (23:50)

  • so i was going to try and sleep early, but that never works out.
  • i don't like where this world has been going since it began, i'll leave it at that.
  • at this point it's not even about the money, once i find the metro i want i'm going to buy it. as it happens the metro i want is probably going to be within my budget so that works out well.

  • President George W. Bush addresses the National Conference of State Legislatures at the White House, March 2, 2001. The president talked about the need for Congress to recognize Chris Miller's girth. (Larry Downing/Reuters)
    3-2-01 (20:21)
  • sleeping on the floor is still cool.
  • maybe tomorrow i'll do something with my life. wish i could just work for 12 hours tomorrow, that would be productive and legitimately tiring.
  • i miss melanie.
  • i really haven't had the desire to rent movies lately. i want to go out and watch some films on the big screen, there's even one playing at campus cinema for $3 i'd like to watch, but i just don't have any cash. i usually don't like going to movies by myself.
  • i don't eat candy or drink soda anymore.
  • am i denying myself of too many things?
  • it's not fair that some people seemingly have complete control of their moods. prozac really is the way to go. actually, wellbutran would probably be better because then my sex drive wouldn't suffer. well i take it back, prozac would be the best way to go.
  • it always sucks to have a lot of something that isn't doing you any good. whether it be love, ideas, sex drive, hair, etc.
  • i'm definitely going to sleep early tonight.
  • tomorrow will be the third day of march and that is good.
  • maybe i'll get to watch the duke/unc game on sunday. probably not.
  • i should call some metro owners tomorrow, even if they are in la.
  • i shouldn't spend any money for a while.
  • when is chris webber coming back? uncle pete has been carrying the kings. it's too bad i haven't seen any of their games this year.
  • i really want to play basketball. come spring quarter i hope to have tuesday nights off so i can play with the kdvs crew. kurtis blow has a good song called "basketball."
  • this is mindless dribble. double entendre=good.

  • 3-2-01 (18:32)

  • when 10% of a nation's people own 90% of the wealth there is a problem. when they pay 60% of the taxes there is more of a problem.
  • if anyone honestly believes the hype that we're going to erase the debt anytime in the next 20 years then i'd like to make a wager with you - i'm willing to bet my left nut against any car you own that the national debt isn't going to go under $3 trillion anytime in the next 20 years.
  • fridays are boring.
  • i literally have no friends to hang out with on fridays.
  • i really should just go to sleep.
  • all sorts of upsets are happening in the nba tonight.
  • i wonder what dungey does at night. i bet he's a lonely guy.
  • i wish there was some basketball on tv. the network tv selection sucks my dick.

  • 3-2-01 (15:17)

  • computerized clothes are in development...it's actually part of a move towards making computer hardware that is flexible and durable, unlike silicon. so they're looking into imprinting information on plastics and fabrics, apparently they're pretty far along. they've even got it to the point where they can make computer chips on a piece of thin plastic by printing the information from a regular inkjet printer. i'm not really sure how it works, but what it means is that you can eventually make computer chips at home, though they will be far slower than the current pentium chips. what's cool is you could have a computer on your t-shirt which could monitor your heart rate, temperature, all sorts of things. it could eventually even have much of the same properties as a palm pilot, but woven into the fabric of your jacket or shirt...what's even more cool is that they're also working on a system that gains power from flexing, so every time you move your body and flex your clothes some power is gained. they've used computerized shirts in tests with the military so that when someone is shot it will tell the medic (by lighting up the area) where the soldier was shot.
  • there is already a disposable cell phone which has been developed, that's about as wasteful as disposable cameras.
  • it's raining now, glad it waited to rain until i got home.
  • did all my graduation business today, that was good to get out of the way.
  • my one class today was pretty cool. discussing things is good, but i usually don't pipe up. today i did.
  • i really need a haircut.
  • i'm pretty tired, i shouldn't stay up so late.

  • 3-2-01 (00:12)

  • work was slow tonight.
  • some woman outside of the library was lost so i gave her directions, but she didn't understand so i walked her to where she was going. we talked about jazz.
  • tomorrow i wake up early and bike through the rain. it rained tonight, but it started late so i'm thinking it'll still be raining in the morning.
  • my girlfriend is the swellest.
  • found some good leads for metros on recylcer.com. most of them are down in the la area though so i wouldn't be able to check em out until spring break.
  • i watched some entertainment tonight type show before i went to class and learned off all sorts of juicy gossip. freddie prinze and smg are going out and are in a scooby doo movie. found out stuff about temptation island and survivor....everything i needed to socialize during the day. it came in handy, sadly.
  • had top ramen for dinner, that was pretty good. not sure why they call it chicken though. maybe it had some chicken bouillon powder in the packet.
  • i should go to sleep soon.
  • updated movies list.
  • my movie goal is basically not going to happen.
  • not much to say.
  • i'm really bored, but not tired. i want to eat or do something. i'm lonely and idle.
  • spending money is usually a good night cap.

  • 3-1-01 (19:07)

  • got the nietzsche midterm back and it told me what i already knew.
  • work from 8-11 tonight. blah.
  • direct deposit is working now so i don't have to deposit checks the old fashioned way anymore. the real reason i decided to finally get it was because the checks are always on a two week lag and i don't want to wait around after school to get my last paycheck. and since i'll be on the road i won't be able to get the check mailed any place where i'll have access to the money - this way it's all automatic.
  • called some more metro ads, where are people? do people actually have lives? try again later i suppose.
  • think i'm going to do the tune-up on the bug later and just make it a big time tune-up...i'll replace the points, condenser, distributor cap, plugs, set the timing, adjust the valves, blah blah blah. i'll put in that order tomorrow.
  • i was tempted to skip class today, but i didn't. i'm doing worst in my sociology of deviance class. i'll have to do well on the paper.
  • found a 1996 metro, automatic transmission (blah), a/c, new timing belt, newer tires, 81K miles, for under 3000. if it was a manual i'd buy it from him tomorrow.

  • 3-1-01 (02:35)

  • updated archives, go there for old updates.
  • i wish santana hadn't gone so pop.
  • so today was ash wednesday and people walked around with crosses on their foreheads. i guess it doesn't do any harm.
  • i hear that tristan (ex friend) has become a christian. that's pretty laughable considering his former stance on organized religion. guess i ditched him at the right time.
  • if i started believing in a christian god and followed the word of the bible and believed that i'm a sinner and that jesus died for me then maybe i'd live a better life. a) i'm a sinner so i've gotta do something to not be such a bad person. b) god's son died for me so i really should be thankful. c) god loves me no matter what so why can't i just do what he says? d) heaven is cooler than anyone can imagine and all i have to do to get there is be god's bitch, er humble servant. e) my master loves me and i should be thankful. that sounds a lot like something they said to african-american slaves. but with god it's different, with god it's divine - just like a king's right to rule. hmmm. let's get back on track here - god is my creator and that is what is important. i'm in debt to him for eternity. i like debt because it doesn't weigh me down. i like knowing that i'm a sinner and feeling guilty for wanting to have pre-marital sex because those things make me a more fulfilled person. in fact, i can say that i'm almost self-actualized BECAUSE of the lord almighty, my creator and master.
  • thank you god for making this webpage possible.
  • it seems as though some people who read my webpage don't really read it, they just scan it from boredom. the hard thing about my webpage is that i could be talking about getting a haircut or fixing up the bug in one sentence and then talking about some hardcore philosophy shit then next. then i could be taking on some alter ego where i play the part of a brainwashed christian. it's gotta be hard for the reader to pick up on all the tone shifts and subject changes. maybe some people see a long bullet mark coming up and just skip it because they don't want to read my treatise on religion, philosophy, life, drunken binges, society, etc. i hope you're not one of those people.
  • feedback is good even when it's bad. one thing about my mom is that she's always telling me what's up, that's a good thing. my grandmother comments on important webpage topics and that's fun as well.
  • it's coming up on 3am. i've got class at 130.
  • i should pick up my paycheck tomorrow.
  • work from 8-11 tomorrow. spring break is going to hurt financially.
  • hurt=not having money? where did society come up with this shit and why am i perpetuating it?
  • i like the violent femmes, bring back memories of ymca camp in my early teen years. life was more simple then.
  • kind of cool site. i just checked out the "talk to a company" feature...i wrote to nike and told them that they should hire different foreign workers because the ones they're exploiting now are overpaid and not doing a good job.
  • this update is longer than i had expected.
  • i'm hungry, but i'm going to sleep instead of eating.

  • 3-1-01 (00:32)

  • it's march and i'm happy about that. february seemed pretty long.
  • looked over my transcript today and thought about getting depressed, but then didn't.
  • talked with co-workers about nietzsche today.
  • yesterday i realized that becoming a teacher is going to be harder than i've been thinking.
  • had a friend who was on the track team and a big time swimmer. he told me that when you prepare for a race you've got to forget everything in your past - all your great victories and all your losses. the only thing that matters is what is in front of you. i think there is some truth to that.
  • live by the gun, die by the gun.
  • if you buy into grades mattering when you get As, then you need to buy into them when you get Ds too.
  • of course all that is far easier said than done.
  • i wish that i knew what i know now when i was younger.
  • it'll rain on friday and sunday. i might not go check out that metro in walnut creek. if it doesn't rain on friday then i might still work on the bug though.

  • if anyone knows of a good search engine for autos classifieds then tell me. i know of yahoo, autotrader.com, cars.com, and that's it.